I have undiagnosed ADD. I know partially because I observe my own behavior, but also because once at a party I took adderall and while everyone else franticall

I have undiagnosed ADD. I know partially because I observe my own behavior, but also because once at a party I took adderall and while everyone else frantically danced themselves into a heavy sweat, I was compelled to go into the kitchen and do all the dishes and reorganize my closet. I don’t like how stimulants make me feel, even though I know they might make it easier to fit into society. It is probably hard to describe how they make me feel to someone who does not have the underlying condition, like trying to describe how it feels to get a prosthetic arm to someone who has never lost their arm to begin with. Compared with other people, my internal experience/world seems frantic. If I sit for more than 30 seconds alone without my phone I will have wild daydreams—-my mind works kind of like the old website StumbleUpon. Or like being in a crowded restaurant and trying to follow everyone’s conversations. My favorite quote regarding ADHD: “my brain never takes the same route twice”. But I don’t think that stimulants make me have a “normal” experience like “normal” people do. Yes, on one hand the increased dopamine means that I am actually able to maintain a mental checklist for more than 5 minutes. I’m sure I would be the best employee ever, and the yessiest of yes-men. There is an element of taking stimulants that feels just like putting on noise-cancelling headphones and produces the same focusing effect. But there is also a dark side. I can’t relax. I feel absolutely driven to accomplish things. The outside world impinges so much more heavily on my mind. My access to my intuition and creativity are diminished. My jaw is clenched. Instead of forgetting to eat like normal I am just not hungry, my stomach is churning. It makes me feel like a golem. There is a chance that minus the physical side effects normal people do feel this way mentally, but it is so much more sterile. It’s like trading the lush forest of imagination for a cubicle farm of execution. My personal theory is that ADHD is just at the far end of the normal distribution of personality and that it is a trait that is very useful for raising children. In a real way there is a childish wonder that I have never lost, even as I see those around me “grow up” (i.e., become rigid). I have heard other theories regarding it being adaptive for hunting. Either way, I enjoy my existence as a space cadet. My whole life is shining with such a rich and imaginative inner experience and I don’t think I owe it to anyone to dim that brightness just so I can fit into their terribly boring, rigid, and repetitive world more easily.