4 ms·

Sorry, but I really do hate your attitude. It takes a very big person to never think of yourself as better than anyone else (I'm definitely not that person), bu

by corin_ 15y ago

Sorry, but I really do hate your attitude. It takes a very big person to never think of yourself as better than anyone else (I'm definitely not that person), but a few points: - Why does the fact that it is people who are less important than you screwing up annoy you more than anyone else? I get just as pissed when I'm screwed around by a CEO as when I get screwed around by a taxi driver. - Some people find it difficult not to get angry at stuff, I don't know if that's just because they've learned to be that way or if it's unavoidable. But for lots of us it's possible to, for example, have a drink spilt on you and think "fuck that's annoying" without getting mad at, or even blaming, the person whose fault it was. Even if for some reason it does make you angry, you shouldn't need any motive for hiding that anger rather than being a jerk about it, assuming they didn't do it on purpose (again, no-one's perfect, few people manage to never act like a jerk, and, again, I'm not trying to preach, I'm a long way from perfect when it comes to being a dick to others.) - The fact that people have done less well in life (and/or were less lucky) means you can think "I've done better than them", you can't think "I am better than them". They're not "inferiors", and you're not at the "top of the pyramid", at least not in society, just (I assume) in your wealth. Being rich doesn't mean you're good for or important to society. And for all your comments about having come across badly in your comments, that really hits at the heart of the problem so many people have with this rule. The last time the "waiter rule" came up on HN it was talked about in comments as a "yes, you should always be nice to waiters or you will appear like a jerk". No, that's missing the point; you should be nice to waiters because otherwise you are a jerk. And the fact that normally these views are kept in your head rather than spoken outloud doesn't change the fact that they are your views, your problem isn't that you told us, your problem is that you have them. I know I've been pretty negative to you, but I do feel like you were asking for it.

rdtsc 15y ago
> you should be nice to waiters because otherwise you are a jerk. It is interesting how this is a good analysis story for HNers. It is sort of a nice open-ended parable and it seems how it is interpreted tells something about the person interpreting it. Some identify with the waiter -- they imagine making a mistake and someone yelling at them and them thinking "what a pompous ass". Others identify with the CEO -- they imagine how they would have pity on the waiter (assuming they are somehow superior because they have $X more money in the account or that many employees they control), or how they are leading by example and not showing their anger (yet still are cursing the hell of out of the person in their head), some are worried about _looking_ bad so they imagine acting well if someone is watching ...
- StavrosK 15y ago
  I identify with the CEO. Not because I am superior or because I have money in my account, but just because I seem to make fewer mistakes and be less clumsy than people around me. I don't get mad at the waiter for making a mistake, because I don't know him, and this might have really been a one in a million thing for him, in which case, it just happens. I do get mad at my girlfriend, though, for example, who always seems to bump into things, or who doesn't think very far ahead to anticipate things, or notice things, or remember things as well as I do, etc. I guess that she can't help it any more than she can help a random occurrence, but I can't help but think that the situation would be greatly improved if only she just paid more attention to things around her. Anyway, it irks me when people have difficulty doing things that seem trivial to me. It irks me precisely because I don't think I'm better than them, and thus am confounded as to why they seem to have more difficulty. If I thought "I'm just smarter than them", it wouldn't irk me any more because it's an innate difference that can't change, but I don't believe that...
  - nithyad 15y ago
    "Anyway, it irks me when people have difficulty doing things that seem trivial to me. It irks me precisely because I don't think I'm better than them, and thus am confounded as to why they seem to have more difficulty." - You sound like my husband. I keep dropping things and I keep forgetting stuff. But, he getting irked only makes things worse for me; I get super-conscious and nervous and end up blundering more. I manage everything smooth when I can tell myself that how he feels doesn't matter.
    - StavrosK 15y ago
      I never said I'm right to be irked, I just do... I wish I weren't.
      - mitcheme 15y ago
        I find this really ironic. Being easily annoyed isn't an innate difference you can't change, you know. It's hard to change, but not any harder than becoming less clumsy. Most of the people you're getting annoyed at probably have the same mindset about their flaws as you do yours.
ericflo 15y ago
"I've done better than them" vs. "I am better than them" is such an important distinction, it really is those subtle differences in attitude that make all the difference in how we view the world and what we get out of the world. Somewhat off-topic example: my mom told me later in life that, when I was younger and I did something stupid and my parents scolded me they always phrased it as "that was a stupid thing to do" instead of "you are stupid for doing that thing." It's a minor difference in phrasing and attitude, but it's a major difference in impact. The former makes you feel bad, you understand that you screwed up, and you don't want to do it again. With the latter, you either A) accept subtly that you're stupid, which has all kinds of negative consequences, or B) you reject the notion that you're stupid, so you don't feel the need to change the behavior and your anger can then be directed at your parents for calling you stupid.
- tuhin 15y ago
  Exactly! I was reading this book " How We Decide" (must read by the way) and one of the examples was this distinction between two groups of students who scored well in an easy test. One group was told, "Wow you must be smart" and the other "Wow, you must have worked really hard at this". The first group showed deteriorating performance with increasing level of difficulty of test and gradually accepting maybe they were not as smart as they were told. While the other group kept trying even in higher test and score far better. Of course both the groups were divided equally in terms of intelligence and attitude. Very important perspective for every walk of life.

by corin_ 15y ago

rdtsc 15y ago

> you should be nice to waiters because otherwise you are a jerk. It is interesting how this is a good analysis story for HNers. It is sort of a nice open-ended parable and it seems how it is interpreted tells something about the person interpreting it. Some identify with the waiter -- they imagine making a mistake and someone yelling at them and them thinking "what a pompous ass". Others identify with the CEO -- they imagine how they would have pity on the waiter (assuming they are somehow superior because they have $X more money in the account or that many employees they control), or how they are leading by example and not showing their anger (yet still are cursing the hell of out of the person in their head), some are worried about _looking_ bad so they imagine acting well if someone is watching ...

StavrosK 15y ago
I identify with the CEO. Not because I am superior or because I have money in my account, but just because I seem to make fewer mistakes and be less clumsy than people around me. I don't get mad at the waiter for making a mistake, because I don't know him, and this might have really been a one in a million thing for him, in which case, it just happens. I do get mad at my girlfriend, though, for example, who always seems to bump into things, or who doesn't think very far ahead to anticipate things, or notice things, or remember things as well as I do, etc. I guess that she can't help it any more than she can help a random occurrence, but I can't help but think that the situation would be greatly improved if only she just paid more attention to things around her. Anyway, it irks me when people have difficulty doing things that seem trivial to me. It irks me precisely because I don't think I'm better than them, and thus am confounded as to why they seem to have more difficulty. If I thought "I'm just smarter than them", it wouldn't irk me any more because it's an innate difference that can't change, but I don't believe that...
- nithyad 15y ago
  "Anyway, it irks me when people have difficulty doing things that seem trivial to me. It irks me precisely because I don't think I'm better than them, and thus am confounded as to why they seem to have more difficulty." - You sound like my husband. I keep dropping things and I keep forgetting stuff. But, he getting irked only makes things worse for me; I get super-conscious and nervous and end up blundering more. I manage everything smooth when I can tell myself that how he feels doesn't matter.
  - StavrosK 15y ago
    I never said I'm right to be irked, I just do... I wish I weren't.
    - mitcheme 15y ago
      I find this really ironic. Being easily annoyed isn't an innate difference you can't change, you know. It's hard to change, but not any harder than becoming less clumsy. Most of the people you're getting annoyed at probably have the same mindset about their flaws as you do yours.

ericflo 15y ago

"I've done better than them" vs. "I am better than them" is such an important distinction, it really is those subtle differences in attitude that make all the difference in how we view the world and what we get out of the world. Somewhat off-topic example: my mom told me later in life that, when I was younger and I did something stupid and my parents scolded me they always phrased it as "that was a stupid thing to do" instead of "you are stupid for doing that thing." It's a minor difference in phrasing and attitude, but it's a major difference in impact. The former makes you feel bad, you understand that you screwed up, and you don't want to do it again. With the latter, you either A) accept subtly that you're stupid, which has all kinds of negative consequences, or B) you reject the notion that you're stupid, so you don't feel the need to change the behavior and your anger can then be directed at your parents for calling you stupid.

tuhin 15y ago
Exactly! I was reading this book " How We Decide" (must read by the way) and one of the examples was this distinction between two groups of students who scored well in an easy test. One group was told, "Wow you must be smart" and the other "Wow, you must have worked really hard at this". The first group showed deteriorating performance with increasing level of difficulty of test and gradually accepting maybe they were not as smart as they were told. While the other group kept trying even in higher test and score far better. Of course both the groups were divided equally in terms of intelligence and attitude. Very important perspective for every walk of life.