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I’ve always found it hard, if not impossible, to “join” groups. It feels like everyone already has the friends they need. I don’t know how to fix that. This ha
by SoftwareMaven 15y ago
I’ve always found it hard, if not impossible, to “join” groups. It feels like everyone already has the friends they need. I don’t know how to fix that.
This has always been a problem for me. I used to think it was a sides-effect of the dysfunctional home that moved, on average, every three months that I grew up in. I knew I developed coping skills that put a wall between me and others. You can only say good-bye to friends so many times before you stop getting close enough to care that you are saying good-bye.
Then I had kids and saw much of my own personality reflected back at me, but in different ways and degrees. At that point, I realized I probably always would have had difficulty making friends and would probably only had a couple friends. My upbringing made that worse, but wasn't likely the entire cause.
Now, I find that I don't know how to get around that. Articles everywhere say, "meet with people", but I feel more lonely in those situations because I don't know how to break into the conversation. Depression makes it worse, because you are constantly asking yourself, "why would they even want to know about me?" There's only so many times you can go to the entrepreneur meet-up and not talk to people (even after presenting) before it starts doing more harm than good.
I agree with the article that connecting with other people is of number one importance to fighting depression. I would really like to find the guidebook for doing that. :/
- antonp 15y agoOdds are your last sentence was a figure of speech, but I will go ahead and post this as a reference: "Intimate connections" by David Burns is a well regarded book on the somewhat related subject of building relationships. http://www.amazon.com/Intimate-Connections-David-D-Burns/dp/0451148452 http://www.amazon.com/Intimate-Connections-David-D-Burns/dp/...
- SoftwareMaven 15y agoThanks for the pointer. I've ordered it and will give it a try.
- retro212 15y agoI would try to join martial arts class. Stuff like brazilian jiu jitsu force you to be close (in proximity) to other people. When you train in pair, and change your training partners few times per training session you're forced to connect with people. I had this problem (although in pretty mild variant) before I started to train. And the best part is that you can take it slow if you want. You can just introduce yourself and focus on the technique, and after few sessions you will start to talk to people, and maybe even connect with some of them. I still get anxious when I come to the new club, but it lasts shorter every time.
- bluekite2000 15y agoMy friend and I recently came up w/ a phrase that we say out loud whenever we go out. It is "I DONT GIVE A SHIT" Ultimately it doesnt matter if they want to talk to you, if people are watching, if you bomb, etc because in the end it doesn't matter. Not at all. Try it and let me know if it works for you.
- killerdark 15y agoNihilist.
- MartinCron 15y agoAnother guidebook is "Unwritten Rules of Social Interactioms" by Temple Grandin. Well worth reading.
- guelo 15y agoJoining a church or other group such as a volunteer group can be a good way to increase your social support. These are groups where other people are going to take on the roll of initiating conversations and where there are regular meetings over time so that longer term relationships can form. Even if you're not super religious many churches are open and friendly.