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My wife gave birth to our child this past year in Palo Alto. While at the hospital, my wife and I noticed that no questions at all were addressed to me (the hu
by throwaway713 6y ago
My wife gave birth to our child this past year in Palo Alto. While at the hospital, my wife and I noticed that no questions at all were addressed to me (the husband), particularly questions that I could have answered while she was in pain during delivery.
Afterward, we were provided with a form to fill out for the birth certificate, which required a parental signature. I filled the form out and returned it to the office, at which point I noticed that the clerk changed the signature to state my wife's name when inputting it into the system.
Later in the day, a social worker came by and began to ask questions about my income (when I told her I worked for one of the large tech companies, she immediately left and stopped questioning me). She independently took my wife aside to ask questions, and my wife later told me that she did not ask about her income, but did ask to make sure she was not being abused, a question I was never asked.
All in all, we felt it was a very poor experience (not to mention multiple mistakes were made during delivery because the anesthesiologist was distracted by the television), and we were surprised by the degree of sexism in what we thought was one of the more progressive cities in the U.S.
- spacemark 6y agoWhen I was younger I thought it absolutely baffling that some of my educated, reasonable friends and relatives elected for home births, given the obvious increases in risk. It wasn't until I realized how absolutely terrible the hospital experience is, amplified 10x with birth, rife with shocking biases and sexism, that their behavior began to make perfect sense. Horror story after horror story of human beings being treated little better than cattle. I fear for when I get older and have to deal with the medical system on a more regular basis.
- moftz 6y agoAs long as there are no known issues and everyone is healthy, a home birth is probably safe. A hospital is usually safe too but definitely more expensive.
- Balgair 6y ago> no known issues and everyone is healthy I know a few people that thought the same thing about their deliveries and ended up being wrong. Fortunately, everyone is ok now, but it got dicey for a few people.
- david38 6y agoThis is why you have a plan. You actively check for the usual suspects and know exactly where you’re going in case of an emergency.
- sneak 6y agoBabies are 2x as likely to die in a home birth as in a hospital. It's trendy and perhaps more comfortable/convenient, but it massively amplifies the risk.
- clarkevans 6y agoThere is a compromise -- dedicated birthing centers that are operated by midwifes, where getting to the emergency room and NICU is expedited. Birth shouldn't be treated as a medical procedure, unless there is a serious complication.
- WarOnPrivacy 6y agoWe did both. One delivery at home then two at centers. We liked the extra support a center provides.
- loonster 6y agoThis is a case where it would be much more useful to state terms in absolute risk instead of relative risk. A 10x increase on a .001% chance doesn't mean anything. A 1.1x increase on a 10% risk is huge.
- pc86 6y agoIs this true? Even ignoring the emotional aspect of a newborn child dying, I'm not sure it is. 10x is 10x, and if you know that figure and opt for home birth, and something happens, you might always wonder if it was your desire for a "more comfortable experience" that ended up being the deciding factor. I'd rather mitigate the risk as much as possible, regardless of how small it might be initially.
- david38 6y ago10x isn’t just 10x. Everyone knows that low numbers can be skewed wildly. Most people don’t mitigate risk as much as possible. Even hospitals don’t don’t do this. Hospitals routinely give unnecessary c-sections, drugs, etc to save THEIR time. A home birth eliminates these. Did you earn as much money as possible and fly to the absolute best hospital in the world? Did you or the mother strictly watch weight? Obesity is a known risk that is poorly mitigated. Is the house free of all known toxins? Did you verify this with a particle sensor? Did the mother practice how do a birth without need for drugs? With my wife’s home birth, we did these. My wife was is tip top shape, and my environmental engineer father brought over his array of very expensive sensors that measure down to parts per quadrillion.
- WarOnPrivacy 6y agoWe first did a home birth & later two center births. These were so my wife could better control her deliveries. Our last birth was twins and our midwife directed us to a 100% female OB/GYN practice. They were beyond fantastic.
- circlefavshape 6y ago> the anesthesiologist was distracted by the television What? The fucking television????
- throwaway713 6y agoThere was a young anesthesiologist in training (resident?) who was administering the epidural while a more experienced anesthesiologist was supposed to be watching. The trainee put the epidural in the wrong spot three times and ended up giving my wife Horner's syndrome after the final insert. The older anesthesiologist didn't notice the failed attempts because he was staring at something on the TV in the room. I eventually told him he needed to pay attention because his resident kept screwing up. Also, I suspect (but cannot prove) that our daughter ended up in the NICU because of additional failings during delivery related to a very long period of trying to induce while our daughter did not have sufficient oxygen.
- tartoran 6y agoThat’s malpractice and you could sue. That would most likely prevent this from happening in the future
- novok 6y agoThere is a difference between ideals and reality, otherwise you could sue for residents being malpractice since they are usually sleep deprived and make mistakes of sleep deprivation, often.
- nipponese 6y agoThat’s nothing. In our case he was engaged in a text message conversation.
- throwaway1492 6y agoYour story reminded of the time I had a really bad experience attending a Ob-gyn appointment with my wife while she was pregnant with our first. I tried to ask a question and was pointedly ignored, to the point the (female) Dr didn't look at me for the rest of the visit. It was very odd and uncomfortable for me and my wife. I got the message loud and clear that I was less than zero in the whole process, in that Dr's eyes at least.
- deleted 6y ago[deleted]
- clarkevans 6y agoIn my opinion, a midwife is essential for navigating birth in our medicalized system. Think of it as going to court -- you don't want to be representing yourself. A midwife is not only helpful support for you, but they've seen all the various problems and know how to address them... or coax the nurse/doctor into doing the right thing. Edit: responder used the correct word, "doula" not "midwife"; thank you.
- ed25519FUUU 6y agoA doula is a more common version of what you’re describing. A midwife actually delivers the baby. Anecdotally, I highly recommend a midwife birth versus doctor if you have the option. A midewife’s only job is to deliver healthy babies. Unlike doctors who do many things. https://www.today.com/health/what-doula-here-s-what-doulas-do-how-much-they-t150220 https://www.today.com/health/what-doula-here-s-what-doulas-d...
- rich_sasha 6y ago+1. Also, doctors job is to intervene in something going wrong to make it right. For most labours this can actually be counterproductive, as for the most part, they go well throughout. Except the ones that don’t of course, and then you really need a doctor.
- ip26 6y agoI'm not going to argue that's a great experience. But I think it's important to remember a lot of very dysfunctional families come through the birthing center. Questions you as the husband are perfectly capable of answering, another husband may simply lie. Yes, she and I agreed not to use any pain medication, for example. It's also a good time to catch abused, controlled, or manipulated women at an extremely vulnerable point in their lives. This doesn't mean men are never abused- but childbirth doesn't exactly seem like the place to discover it. I've been through the experience. I think it's important to remember that, as the father, you are very much party- but you are not the patient.
- ed25519FUUU 6y agoA lot of hospitals now separate the husbands and wives when they come in together, and will usually ask those questions very carefully when the husband is not present. It’s a good practice, but pretty annoying if the wife has anxiety and wants to stay together.
- ed25519FUUU 6y agoWe had our first in very similar fashion, but part of our “birth plan” was that me (the husband) can make decisions both for my wife and child, and that I’m also always present if the child is taken out of our room. I felt treated as an equal, and several times they would ask a question and say we can discuss it together before making a decisions before leaving the room. I don’t know if it was the birth plan or something else, but our experience was excellent. I recommend anyone worried about this also create a birth plan and bring it with them.
- tartoran 6y agoI was also rendered a paperweight when my wife was in labor and took her to the hospital. I was there to respond to banal questions, age, address, etc. They insisted that she answers those questions instead and yeah - it took them a while to get them in between her screams of agony and pain. I was sent to the “family room” and told not to come back until they call me. My wife really wanted me there, the whole thing was so frustrating. Of course they asked her whether I was abusing her and I sort of understand why but still, I was treated negatively and they assumed the worst. Eventually I was allowed to be present at the birth as we knew the doctor from previous visits but again..
- chmod600 6y agoWhat happens if you don't answer the questions? The implied threat is that they will make your life miserable, potentially taking your child away. But to force someone to answer questions like that seems to be a violation of the fourth and/or fifth amaendments.
- tristor 6y ago> we were surprised by the degree of sexism in what we thought was one of the more progressive cities in the U.S I have observed similar things with friends who had kids. There's still something unique in how society deals with children that is fundamentally misandrist. At every level of our society, we assume mothers are the primary caretaker and primary authority with children and men are explicitly and intentionally excluded and distrusted. It's unfair to women as well, because it shoehorns them into a role they may not be comfortable with.
- dragonwriter 6y ago“Medical staff directed questions to their actual patient, even when there was a man present who thought he could answer them as well,” isn't sexism. Expecting anything else, though, is.
- throwaway713 6y ago> there was a man present who thought he could answer them as well That’s a funny way to characterize a bunch of male doctors ignoring my wife’s request for them to ask me simple questions instead of her because she was incapacitated with pain, particularly when in a previous situation I broke my ankle and my request for questions to be addressed to her went fulfilled without any objections by the hospital staff. But I will be sure to let my wife know that a stranger on the internet thinks her claims of sexism at the hospital are unfounded.
- imbnwa 6y ago>She independently took my wife aside to ask questions, and my wife later told me that she did not ask about her income, but did ask to make sure she was not being abused, a question I was never asked. Why would they ask you that for a transparent answer given where they're coming from? Or is this, "how dare they do routine questions that implicate my status"?
- david38 6y agoNot surprised. I live right up the street. Palo Alto is so progressive and woke that they assume every woman is a likely victim. Unless the husband is a minority I suppose, then it would be politically incorrect to ask.