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I don't know if this comment will get read, it'll be buried down at the bottom... let's pretend it's a pot of gold hidden at the end of the rainbow :) In short
by rkalla 15y ago
I don't know if this comment will get read, it'll be buried down at the bottom... let's pretend it's a pot of gold hidden at the end of the rainbow :)
In short: I agree with this article (originally proposed in THIS article/video http://www.fastcompany.com/video/why-change-is-so-hard-self-control-is-exhaustible http://www.fastcompany.com/video/why-change-is-so-hard-self-...)
I moved on from my job as a project manager a few years ago and spent a year dabbling here and dabbling there on different projects. Some open source and some not.
The majority of the time I was "working" I was mostly showering myself in self-imposed guilt: "Why aren't you a huge success by now? Why don't you have an awesome startup on HN yet? Why don't you go back to work for some company and stop wasting money? Why don't you grow all your hair back?"
I enjoyed the freedom of the year, but the guilt and self-doubt was getting to be exhausting. It shook my confidence a bit, but I think my optimism towards life in general helped shore-up that weakness a bit and kept me facing mostly forward instead of giving up and falling down on the ground for a good cry or turning sideways and taking up another position somewhere just to stop the self-loathing.
Somewhere around the middle and end of the first year I made some unintended-but-welcome changes in my thinking.
The first realization I had, due to an article I read somewhere, was: "Guilt is a USELESS emotion".
The article went on and on about it, backing up the claim. Long story short, it was right. It IS useless.
In a way, Guilt is the result of you not being willing to take a stand, make a decision and move on with your life. Guilt is a lot like sitting on a fence and complaining about how your bum hurts all day long, but refusing to get off the fence. And not life decisions... just ALL decisions.
I feel guilty because I haven't called my parents. I feel guilty because I haven't done yard work. I feel guilty because I need to change the oil in my car. I feel guilty because I haven't put any pants on today... etc. etc.
I began to realize that this unwillingness to get off the fence was the source of pain-via-guilt, not the actual decisions themselves.
For the next 6 months I learned to think things through until I hit a logical conclusion, then commit to a decision. Over-thinking was never a problem for me, but committing (I realized) was, so I worked on that.
Only after a few months of almost passive-attention to sticking to my commitments did I realize my life being noticeably easier. I had no idea why, but it just felt great...
That was when I first came across this concept presented by this article: will power is a limited resource.
As a software developer there are a litany of cliched things I berate myself about... gotta work more, gotta exercise more, gotta eat better.
But given my new outlook on life I decided "Enough!", I am going to make decisions and move on with my life. So far this year I have made decisions to work... and work and work and work. Yes lots of things have taken a back seat, but instead of being wishy-washy about it, I am leveraging the mass of my will power against my desire to work and not spending it on anything else.
That means I'm eating fast food and not exercising as much as I "should", but I'm done making half-decisions.
If I decide to eat better or exercise, I'm not going to spend all day thinking about it, I'll just go do it and get on with my life.
Since I learned those two things:
1. Commit to decisions / Ignore feeling of "guilt"
2. Will power is an exhaustible resource
Life has jus become fantastic.
I've gotten a hell of a lot more clarity on the things I want and I don't sit all day rolling my hands together because I want to work on X, but my business sense tells me "NO" so instead I have to pretend that I don't want to work on X and instead I'll go work on something else.
Forget that, it's my life, if I want to work on X, I'll work on X.
I like to get up in the morning now. I like what I do. I like what I work on and I like the people I meet doing it.
I have no idea what is in store for me, but sitting under a wet blanket, grinding your teeth from stress and sweating, trying to figure out a HN-worthy business and become the next-big-thing is bullshit.
Living your life; doing things you love and having success find you on your terms... it is intoxicating and so much more accessible than a lot of people realize.
DISCLAIMER: I wouldn't recommend trying this mental shift until you are ready for it. If you are a stress ball and a pure-rage-fountain, maybe wait until you've calmed down a bit before embarking on this journey.
If you are sick of feeling trapped by guilt and inaction and are ready for a change in scenery, give this a try.
Also, but "this" I mean simply accepting that will power is limited and learning to focus it on the things you truly want out of life instead of the things you tell yourself that you want.
TIP: Having a six-pack or a social-cloud-network-web-scale-synergy-Twitter-killer company may not ACTUALLY be what you want when you finally take the time to look inside yourself. Just be ready/willing to accept that. This can be really horrifying for people to face when they start looking inwards because they define themselves so heavily in (sometimes) false terms that the idea they had it wrong this whole time is... just too unsecure/scary/unsettling/open-ended.
- Jun8 15y agoDon't know how to adequately put this, but THANK YOU!! I have similar feelings (guilt, etc.) and reading this in the morning helped my mood tremendously. Guilt is useless.
- rkalla 15y agoMost welcome; you just made my day knowing you got a boost from it! 2 days made so far and it's not even noon :)
- AbyCodes 15y ago<quote> Also, but "this" I mean simply accepting that will power is limited and learning to focus it on the things you truly want out of life instead of the things you tell yourself that you want. </quote> Spot on
- eavc 15y agoThe relevant term for what you describe in psychology circles is "rumination" in case you're interested in that kind of thing.
- rkalla 15y agoI am, thank you for that. Looked it up on Wikipedia ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rumination_(psychology) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rumination_(psychology) ) and it sounds spot on. Originally I found the cow-cud-chewing article, and that sounded less spot on, but then I found the "mental rumination" link :)
- eavc 15y agoCud-chewing is the etymology of the psych term, actually. Regurgitating the same thing over and over... Glad you enjoyed the read. It's something I deal with personally as well.
- etruong42 15y agoI think I'm on a similar realization as you. I "used to" want to be featherweight MMA champion of the world. Once I was into fighting, I kind of assumed I wanted to win (I think everyone does), but I slowly realized that I received no joy from winning. I just loved fighting, but I didn't have a drive to actually defeat my opponent. And you're right. It's fucking scary. "Wanting to be MMA champion" was so deeply ingrained into my identity at that point that questioning that made me question who I am. Am I a quitter? Some loser who can't keep his motivation up? How can I get anywhere in life if I give up? Now I realize that if I don't receive satisfaction from doing something, there's not much reason in doing it. I chose the term satisfaction very carefully here because, for example, people sometimes say eating cookies makes them happy, but they will rarely say eating cookies gives them satisfaction, especially if it's part of an unhealthy lifestyle. There is still an uncomfortable thought that lingers in mind that I just "gave up" and am trying to rationalize it and make excuses, but I also know that I am still fighting, and if defeating my opponent ever gives me the same elation as just being in the ring, I will be shooting for that goal again. Except at that time, it would be for real.