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Depends largely on how stable the foster family is, and how much effort the kid's social worker can (or wants) to put in. I've known children who left unstruct

Depends largely on how stable the foster family is, and how much effort the kid's social worker can (or wants) to put in. I've known children who left unstructured, chaotic situations and were placed in... unstructured, chaotic foster homes. Many foster homes are like warehouses with upward of 6-8 children at a time. Fostering children is a paycheck for some foster parents. I've also known a foster child who was placed in a home wherein the foster family had biological children in the house. The biological children were treated better and more lovingly than the foster child. The foster child left an abusive situation, only to find inequitable treatment. The foster child never had anyone model a loving, supportive relationship. So they bounced around from abusive, drug-addicted partner to abusive, drug-addicted partner until they got tired of being around abusive people and drugs. Without a role model, it's hard to be equipped once you're legally an adult and don't have someone making decisions for you. Being an adult is a big responsibility, and a lot of these children weren't prepared to make healthy decisions. And they don't have health coping mechanisms.

omginternets 6y ago
Hmm. This is definitely interesting, and I appreciate the details, but I don't feel like I have a better understanding of what the maladaptive behavior looks like. I think you're describing the causes of being "not equipped", but I'm interested in how "not equipped" manifests itself in practice. That is: what is the actual behavior we see on the outside? The story about the foster kid who gravitates towards abusive relationships is closest to the level of analysis I was hoping for. In that specific case, what is still unclear to me is exactly how -- in the details -- a lack of a stable/loving home pushes one towards abusive relationships Do you perhaps have some anecdotes about specific people behaving in ways that well-adjusted people wouldn't? Speaking for the rest of us, I think it's hard to grok this kind of stuff without a lot of detail. I recognize that this is a hard question to answer, of course. It effectively asks you to become a novelist. I'm grateful for anything you can provide, but also don't want you to feel obligated.
- whoknew1122 6y ago
  What is the actual behavior we see? Higher incidence of domestic violence, drug abuse/dependency/violence. And much more. It's hard to say definitive, concrete examples because trauma is so personal. The same things can cause two divergent reactions in other people. As a random example from a single friend, I had a friend whose dad died via suicide by cop after he became addicted to drugs he prescribed as a small town's ER doctor. She saw her dad murdered by her friend's father from her living room window. This friend said I had it worse than she. While I definitely have my own scars, I don't think they're anywhere close to what she experienced. I'll share how I was ill-equipped for life. Please note that while I was never put in foster care myself, I likely should have been; the only thing that stopped me going into foster care is a terribly overburdened and underfunded Child Protective Services department. Every single one of the complaints alleged against my family (of which there were several) were true. The social workers and CPS department as a whole simply has too high a caseload and I fell through the cracks. For better or worse. I never had anyone around me that modeled how to successfully handle stress and anger. So I constantly walked around in fight or flight mode for all of my teen years and most of my twenties. It led to more than a few of assaults (both as a profession--I bounced a bit--and otherwise). I also made many other impulsive decisions, because I only knew how to solve interpersonal problems one way. It literally took me until I was in my early thirties and hospitalized with what I thought was a heart attack to figure out I had problems with anxiety, ultra-vigalence, and a hair-trigger temper with associated anti-social behaviors. That's how I was ill-equipped for life in normal society. And again I wasn't even in foster care like some of my closest friends and loved ones. Just one of those times I let my fists do the talking for me could've led to someone geting knocked out, falling the wrong way, and dying after landing with their head against a curb. That's manslaughter (at best). It's blind, stupid luck that I eventually got my shit together and work at a FAANG rather than shooting you a kite from behind bars. I have someone very close to me who did go into the foster care system, and was placed in what amounted to a juvenile jail. She had a 'bunkmate' who burned their entire house down in an attempt to kill her family. And then the bunkmate tried to burn others while in the foster care facility. Now my friend has troubles sleeping; especially in areas around which she's unfamiliar (e.g. hotels) or around people she doesn't know well (e.g. B&Bs, friend's houses, etc.).

omginternets 6y ago

Hmm. This is definitely interesting, and I appreciate the details, but I don't feel like I have a better understanding of what the maladaptive behavior looks like. I think you're describing the causes of being "not equipped", but I'm interested in how "not equipped" manifests itself in practice. That is: what is the actual behavior we see on the outside? The story about the foster kid who gravitates towards abusive relationships is closest to the level of analysis I was hoping for. In that specific case, what is still unclear to me is exactly how -- in the details -- a lack of a stable/loving home pushes one towards abusive relationships Do you perhaps have some anecdotes about specific people behaving in ways that well-adjusted people wouldn't? Speaking for the rest of us, I think it's hard to grok this kind of stuff without a lot of detail. I recognize that this is a hard question to answer, of course. It effectively asks you to become a novelist. I'm grateful for anything you can provide, but also don't want you to feel obligated.

whoknew1122 6y ago
What is the actual behavior we see? Higher incidence of domestic violence, drug abuse/dependency/violence. And much more. It's hard to say definitive, concrete examples because trauma is so personal. The same things can cause two divergent reactions in other people. As a random example from a single friend, I had a friend whose dad died via suicide by cop after he became addicted to drugs he prescribed as a small town's ER doctor. She saw her dad murdered by her friend's father from her living room window. This friend said I had it worse than she. While I definitely have my own scars, I don't think they're anywhere close to what she experienced. I'll share how I was ill-equipped for life. Please note that while I was never put in foster care myself, I likely should have been; the only thing that stopped me going into foster care is a terribly overburdened and underfunded Child Protective Services department. Every single one of the complaints alleged against my family (of which there were several) were true. The social workers and CPS department as a whole simply has too high a caseload and I fell through the cracks. For better or worse. I never had anyone around me that modeled how to successfully handle stress and anger. So I constantly walked around in fight or flight mode for all of my teen years and most of my twenties. It led to more than a few of assaults (both as a profession--I bounced a bit--and otherwise). I also made many other impulsive decisions, because I only knew how to solve interpersonal problems one way. It literally took me until I was in my early thirties and hospitalized with what I thought was a heart attack to figure out I had problems with anxiety, ultra-vigalence, and a hair-trigger temper with associated anti-social behaviors. That's how I was ill-equipped for life in normal society. And again I wasn't even in foster care like some of my closest friends and loved ones. Just one of those times I let my fists do the talking for me could've led to someone geting knocked out, falling the wrong way, and dying after landing with their head against a curb. That's manslaughter (at best). It's blind, stupid luck that I eventually got my shit together and work at a FAANG rather than shooting you a kite from behind bars. I have someone very close to me who did go into the foster care system, and was placed in what amounted to a juvenile jail. She had a 'bunkmate' who burned their entire house down in an attempt to kill her family. And then the bunkmate tried to burn others while in the foster care facility. Now my friend has troubles sleeping; especially in areas around which she's unfamiliar (e.g. hotels) or around people she doesn't know well (e.g. B&Bs, friend's houses, etc.).