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My wife and I adopted two older boys (10 and 12). Most of the families trying to adopt are looking for babies but we were looking for older kids. It still took

My wife and I adopted two older boys (10 and 12). Most of the families trying to adopt are looking for babies but we were looking for older kids. It still took almost 2 years to get our first kid placed with us because I think the social workers weren’t sure if my wife and I really knew what we were getting into. But once we got the first kid I think they realized we were good. Then a year later they called us out of the blue about a second kid.

Broken_Hippo 6y ago
I always find this a bit ridiculous - do folks that want babies really know what they are getting into? Heck, do folks that have babies? Probably not. The difference is that we can do things to prepare foster parents or adoptive parents for it - more so than natural birth.
- bluGill 6y ago
  Babies are easier because they don't start off bad. Teens have had years of abuse behind them. Read the reports of others here and you will see it is rare and hard to fix the kids after that trauma.
  - Broken_Hippo 6y ago
    Sure, babies don't start out with years of trauma. So what? People are willing to take classes and things and learn, are they not? It just isn't the same as babies. And to be fair, you aren't "fixing" a baby: You are doing the same thing - providing a loving home, trying to give another person the things they need. You just have a head start on some of the problems you'll be facing with a teenager - the sort of thing that blindsides parents of babies if it happens. I'm not sure why it is an issue that "things are hard".
    - watwut 6y ago
      > Sure, babies don't start out with years of trauma. So what? I think that you should look up what trauma and dysfunctional early setup does with kids. Because it can be very hard on caregiver and test all their abilities including self control. The adoption agencies themselves are quite open about these issues - they do not want people to adopt and then be unable to handle things. Which are all euphemisms mind you. Basically, there are issues with violence, inability to create relationship or even inability that relationship can be "true". Which causes whole other bunch of behavioral problems. Like, the eagerness to "test" caregiver by really going out of way to create trouble. And if caregiver fails, result is basically abuse. And the kid can't help itself, but adults should. And adults when they see they don't have time and resources and patience to deal with above, do better to adopt baby. > People are willing to take classes and things and learn, are they not? It just isn't the same as babies. What did that even means?
    - Grustaf 6y ago
      If you adopt, or give birth to, a baby, chances are very good that there will be no particular issues. If you adopt an older kid through social services, you're all but guaranteed to have a lot more problems than the average parent. Not to mention that the kid will not be as attached to you, making it doubly difficult.
- watwut 6y ago
  Adopting baby is significantly easier then older kids, because older kids are affected by their previous experiences, abandonment, massively dysfunctional familly, death of parents and so on.
- jfrankamp 6y ago
  Folks attempting to adopt older kids have a higher 'return' rate than when adopting babies. E.g. If an older kid decides to physically fight you for control, many parents will quickly run out of options, emotional reserves etc. It is undesirable to rush through an adoption in that case, years are warranted. (first hand experience w/ multiple foster/adopted teenagers + failed adoptions).

Broken_Hippo 6y ago

I always find this a bit ridiculous - do folks that want babies really know what they are getting into? Heck, do folks that have babies? Probably not. The difference is that we can do things to prepare foster parents or adoptive parents for it - more so than natural birth.

bluGill 6y ago
Babies are easier because they don't start off bad. Teens have had years of abuse behind them. Read the reports of others here and you will see it is rare and hard to fix the kids after that trauma.
- Broken_Hippo 6y ago
  Sure, babies don't start out with years of trauma. So what? People are willing to take classes and things and learn, are they not? It just isn't the same as babies. And to be fair, you aren't "fixing" a baby: You are doing the same thing - providing a loving home, trying to give another person the things they need. You just have a head start on some of the problems you'll be facing with a teenager - the sort of thing that blindsides parents of babies if it happens. I'm not sure why it is an issue that "things are hard".
  - watwut 6y ago
    > Sure, babies don't start out with years of trauma. So what? I think that you should look up what trauma and dysfunctional early setup does with kids. Because it can be very hard on caregiver and test all their abilities including self control. The adoption agencies themselves are quite open about these issues - they do not want people to adopt and then be unable to handle things. Which are all euphemisms mind you. Basically, there are issues with violence, inability to create relationship or even inability that relationship can be "true". Which causes whole other bunch of behavioral problems. Like, the eagerness to "test" caregiver by really going out of way to create trouble. And if caregiver fails, result is basically abuse. And the kid can't help itself, but adults should. And adults when they see they don't have time and resources and patience to deal with above, do better to adopt baby. > People are willing to take classes and things and learn, are they not? It just isn't the same as babies. What did that even means?
  - Grustaf 6y ago
    If you adopt, or give birth to, a baby, chances are very good that there will be no particular issues. If you adopt an older kid through social services, you're all but guaranteed to have a lot more problems than the average parent. Not to mention that the kid will not be as attached to you, making it doubly difficult.
watwut 6y ago
Adopting baby is significantly easier then older kids, because older kids are affected by their previous experiences, abandonment, massively dysfunctional familly, death of parents and so on.
jfrankamp 6y ago
Folks attempting to adopt older kids have a higher 'return' rate than when adopting babies. E.g. If an older kid decides to physically fight you for control, many parents will quickly run out of options, emotional reserves etc. It is undesirable to rush through an adoption in that case, years are warranted. (first hand experience w/ multiple foster/adopted teenagers + failed adoptions).