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In the end, HOW you deliver feedback matters. Personally, I have three important characteristics for a feedback. Point 1 : "Be Specific". I can not stress this

In the end, HOW you deliver feedback matters. Personally, I have three important characteristics for a feedback. Point 1 : "Be Specific". I can not stress this enough. Please point out specific observable behaviour. Point 2 : Frame feedback in terms of team/organisational goals. Every team has a purpose within the organisation. It's a team game and every team member should know the feedback in context of the team game. Individual feedback, team context. Point 3 : Cite the past but look for future changes in behaviour. You can not change the past but you can influence the future. For example, "Hey John! When you do X, it helps the team achieve Y. Please continue doing so!" or "Hey John! When you do Z, it lets the team down. What can you do differently?".

UpsilonAlpha 6y ago
To add on to this. Following these steps will often avoid the problem described by GP. If you can't find specific actions to praise, then there is a good chance the recipient will feel the praise is hollow.
- cutemonster 6y ago
  What are good things to say, if one is to give feedback but cannot think of anything to praise? But indeed can think of things the other person could do better / improve upon. (However, maybe only "criticizing" isn't so nice)
didibus 6y ago
You should write a book for managers, and every page should just be this comment repeated for 200 pages.
ChuckMcM 6y ago
FWIW I strongly agree with this comment. I have painful experience from not doing each of these things at various times.
palimpsests 6y ago
Completely agree that HOW matters so much! To me and probably many others (albeit often subconsciously), point 3 comes across as blaming, overly-generalized, and lacking in personal (and group) accountability for your experiences. What about something like, "Hey John, the last time you did X, Y happened, which had Z consequences. I felt { disappointed / let down / concerned / irritated / worried / angry / $whatever_emotions_came_up_for_YOU }. Other team members reported feeling $emotions. What was going on there for you? How can I / we help you to avoid X in the future? Do you have any ideas about what you could focus or work on in order for Y not to happen again? Here are some specific requests I have for you in order to avoid this kind of thing in the future: $requests " The edgy part about this for many people is taking ownership for their experience, we live in a society with a lot of deconditioning around this . Nobody else but you is responsible for how you feel. John didn't let you down, you had expectations about what he was going to do, and to your assessment, he didn't meet those expectations (that's also a reasonable thing to say, I think -- I would give more detail and context about specifically how those expectations weren't met). That you felt one way or another about this has nothing to do with John, and there's a lot of subtle and overt problems that can arise in a relationship when we attribute our experience to another person with our language. I also mention that it sounds overly-generalized because saying "when you do X" has an implicit assumption that he will continue doing X in the future, and isn't really all that specific about why X has certain consequences - I think it's better to use specific situations in the past when X happened and to talk about what came up when that occurred. This is basically what I'm hearing you say in Point 2 :) edit: fixed variables, wording
- lazyasciiart 6y ago
  I used to see a therapist who told me to do that, and eventually I realized it was a bullshit idea and I should not be working on reframing my expectations of colleagues so I was OK with them actively lying about work, so I quit and it was fantastic. You can try and change yourself to make things work, but it's not always the right or even healthy way to approach a problem.
  - karpierz 6y ago
    The point isn't to lower your expectations, the point is acknowledge that the way you feel is under your control and it's up to you to do something about it. So if your coworkers let you down, they don't make you feel let down, your own expectations make you feel let down. How you fix that is your responsibility. You can try and help your colleagues, you can rely on them less, or you can quit your job. Blaming your colleagues and making them responsible for your feelings means feeling shitty and feeling powerless to feel better.
tomnipotent 6y ago
> Cite the past but look for future changes in behaviour. I've heard this referred to as "feedforward" before (as opposed to feedback). Instead of saying "last time you did X, you made a mistake and should instead do Y" you phrase it "next time you do X, make sure to do Y". It's subtle, with the goal of avoiding defensiveness.

UpsilonAlpha 6y ago

To add on to this. Following these steps will often avoid the problem described by GP. If you can't find specific actions to praise, then there is a good chance the recipient will feel the praise is hollow.

cutemonster 6y ago
What are good things to say, if one is to give feedback but cannot think of anything to praise? But indeed can think of things the other person could do better / improve upon. (However, maybe only "criticizing" isn't so nice)

didibus 6y ago

You should write a book for managers, and every page should just be this comment repeated for 200 pages.

ChuckMcM 6y ago

FWIW I strongly agree with this comment. I have painful experience from not doing each of these things at various times.

palimpsests 6y ago

Completely agree that HOW matters so much! To me and probably many others (albeit often subconsciously), point 3 comes across as blaming, overly-generalized, and lacking in personal (and group) accountability for your experiences. What about something like, "Hey John, the last time you did X, Y happened, which had Z consequences. I felt { disappointed / let down / concerned / irritated / worried / angry / $whatever_emotions_came_up_for_YOU }. Other team members reported feeling $emotions. What was going on there for you? How can I / we help you to avoid X in the future? Do you have any ideas about what you could focus or work on in order for Y not to happen again? Here are some specific requests I have for you in order to avoid this kind of thing in the future: $requests " The edgy part about this for many people is taking ownership for their experience, we live in a society with a lot of deconditioning around this . Nobody else but you is responsible for how you feel. John didn't let you down, you had expectations about what he was going to do, and to your assessment, he didn't meet those expectations (that's also a reasonable thing to say, I think -- I would give more detail and context about specifically how those expectations weren't met). That you felt one way or another about this has nothing to do with John, and there's a lot of subtle and overt problems that can arise in a relationship when we attribute our experience to another person with our language. I also mention that it sounds overly-generalized because saying "when you do X" has an implicit assumption that he will continue doing X in the future, and isn't really all that specific about why X has certain consequences - I think it's better to use specific situations in the past when X happened and to talk about what came up when that occurred. This is basically what I'm hearing you say in Point 2 :) edit: fixed variables, wording

lazyasciiart 6y ago
I used to see a therapist who told me to do that, and eventually I realized it was a bullshit idea and I should not be working on reframing my expectations of colleagues so I was OK with them actively lying about work, so I quit and it was fantastic. You can try and change yourself to make things work, but it's not always the right or even healthy way to approach a problem.
- karpierz 6y ago
  The point isn't to lower your expectations, the point is acknowledge that the way you feel is under your control and it's up to you to do something about it. So if your coworkers let you down, they don't make you feel let down, your own expectations make you feel let down. How you fix that is your responsibility. You can try and help your colleagues, you can rely on them less, or you can quit your job. Blaming your colleagues and making them responsible for your feelings means feeling shitty and feeling powerless to feel better.

tomnipotent 6y ago

> Cite the past but look for future changes in behaviour. I've heard this referred to as "feedforward" before (as opposed to feedback). Instead of saying "last time you did X, you made a mistake and should instead do Y" you phrase it "next time you do X, make sure to do Y". It's subtle, with the goal of avoiding defensiveness.