3 ms·

There has been plenty of unreasonable stuff over the years. Early in our marriage she spent close to 1000$ at the mall which left us short of funds to pay her g

There has been plenty of unreasonable stuff over the years. Early in our marriage she spent close to 1000$ at the mall which left us short of funds to pay her grad school tuition that I had been saving to pay for her. Till date she refuses to understand our financial picture and will be completely lost if I were to get hit by a bus tomorrow. Also, she has not worked for >90% of our ~10 year marriage to follow her passion for art which has made ->$0 so far. I am fine with that because we don't need 2 incomes and I am happy she has the freedom to pursue her passions. Thankfully, like you, I have done pretty well in my career and could probably retire in a cheaper country or some midwestern town tomorrow. This is in addition to all the other things she has anxiety about doing -- driving the car to new places, walking the dog when it is dark outside etc. I had the exact same wish. I just wanted a happy family like my parents had. I adore my child. Now I just wish we could both get out of this without damaging him too much and I can be left alone.

number6 6y ago
Do you feel that she doesn't hold up her side of the deal? Did you ever talk about what you expect her to do? Why are you still together?
ColdSolo 6y ago
This is extremely similar to my situation. When I finish my workday I often find myself just sitting with her and watching Netflix but if I get up and go to the other room to do something I'm interested in she'll get upset. I think a lot of the issues come from the fact that I don't feel I "need" anything from her. It makes it hard to relate to her when she "needs" something from me. I actually think not needing anything from other people is the root of the issue. I'm very independent and always trying to be self-sufficient (stock piling money, etc) so that I don't need to rely on other people. I think this independence is a fault as it keeps from from "being vulnerable" and opening up more which is what leads to deeper connections with other humans. I'm trying to work on it a bit and have found that when I genuinely open up to my wife it actually frees up more time for me. Rather than spending 3 hours watching netflix we can spend 30 minutes having a deep conversation and then her needs are met and I can go do my own thing. Trying to do this regularly is really difficult though.
08-15 6y ago
> she has said that me being reluctant [...] is a form of emotional abuse > her grad school tuition that I had been saving to pay for her > she has not worked for >90% of our ~10 year marriage My friend, you are not abusing your wife. She is abusing you. She is also gaslighting you into thinking you are the problem. You're not. And she is using your child to blackmail you emotionally. > things she has anxiety about doing -- driving the car to new places, walking the dog when it is dark outside This isn't anxiety, it's laziness. But if you're merely reluctant about the exact same things, she calls it "a form of emotional abuse." Brilliant. Unfortunately, the way the law is currently applied, there is nothing you can do without violating it.
menotyou 6y ago
I agree 100% with 08-15s reply. Looks more that she is abusing you. I was married to a woman who behaved in a similar fashion. Calling me during work days for ridiculous reasons. Never satisfied. Needed constant attention. Took all disagreements as personal attacks. Needy, prickly, never thankful to anyone. In the end we separated as everything in the marriage was one way street in her direction. Today I regret that I did not leave her more early but tried to rescue the family by letting everything her way. Looking back she had a Narcistic Personality Disorder (which was meanwhile confirmed by a psychologist). Get books on narcissism. Try to speak to a professional if you believe she is narcistic. But NPS is (almost) not treatable. So the only solution is to leave if she is narcistic. Luckily I managed that our kids stayed with me after separation. And for the kids protection, don't leave the kid with her when you leave. (Recommended Reading: "Children of the self absorbed" by Nina Brown).

number6 6y ago

Do you feel that she doesn't hold up her side of the deal? Did you ever talk about what you expect her to do? Why are you still together?

ColdSolo 6y ago

This is extremely similar to my situation. When I finish my workday I often find myself just sitting with her and watching Netflix but if I get up and go to the other room to do something I'm interested in she'll get upset. I think a lot of the issues come from the fact that I don't feel I "need" anything from her. It makes it hard to relate to her when she "needs" something from me. I actually think not needing anything from other people is the root of the issue. I'm very independent and always trying to be self-sufficient (stock piling money, etc) so that I don't need to rely on other people. I think this independence is a fault as it keeps from from "being vulnerable" and opening up more which is what leads to deeper connections with other humans. I'm trying to work on it a bit and have found that when I genuinely open up to my wife it actually frees up more time for me. Rather than spending 3 hours watching netflix we can spend 30 minutes having a deep conversation and then her needs are met and I can go do my own thing. Trying to do this regularly is really difficult though.

08-15 6y ago

> she has said that me being reluctant [...] is a form of emotional abuse > her grad school tuition that I had been saving to pay for her > she has not worked for >90% of our ~10 year marriage My friend, you are not abusing your wife. She is abusing you. She is also gaslighting you into thinking you are the problem. You're not. And she is using your child to blackmail you emotionally. > things she has anxiety about doing -- driving the car to new places, walking the dog when it is dark outside This isn't anxiety, it's laziness. But if you're merely reluctant about the exact same things, she calls it "a form of emotional abuse." Brilliant. Unfortunately, the way the law is currently applied, there is nothing you can do without violating it.

menotyou 6y ago

I agree 100% with 08-15s reply. Looks more that she is abusing you. I was married to a woman who behaved in a similar fashion. Calling me during work days for ridiculous reasons. Never satisfied. Needed constant attention. Took all disagreements as personal attacks. Needy, prickly, never thankful to anyone. In the end we separated as everything in the marriage was one way street in her direction. Today I regret that I did not leave her more early but tried to rescue the family by letting everything her way. Looking back she had a Narcistic Personality Disorder (which was meanwhile confirmed by a psychologist). Get books on narcissism. Try to speak to a professional if you believe she is narcistic. But NPS is (almost) not treatable. So the only solution is to leave if she is narcistic. Luckily I managed that our kids stayed with me after separation. And for the kids protection, don't leave the kid with her when you leave. (Recommended Reading: "Children of the self absorbed" by Nina Brown).