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How strange, just created an account to say that I am the same way and was thinking about this a lot last night. (Although, I don’t think I am emotionally abusi

How strange, just created an account to say that I am the same way and was thinking about this a lot last night. (Although, I don’t think I am emotionally abusive, as I feel my spouse demands things that are entirely unreasonable, like frequently asking me to leave work in the middle of the day to come help with something or buying a house and dog when we had less than $1,000 in our account). All I wanted my whole life was a happy family with a happy relationship like my parents had. That didn’t happen and now all I want is to be left alone, and it’s like everyone wants something from me but I don’t need or want anything from them. I have a great job now, so the only thing I look forward to each day is hopefully reaching financial independence before I’m 40. At least then I can “buy” some alone time.

demadog 6y ago
She’s likely wanting your presence and testing your loyalty or something? Definitely would help to see a couples therapist but if not, I think setting clear boundaries - like work time is work time - but also scheduling time together would put her at ease and prevent random requests.
- 0_____0 6y ago
  100% this. I've been working through similar issues in my personal life (complicated by COVID, natch) and what I've come to is that I need to get way better about setting clear boundaries and expectations with people I care about. This can be done in a compassionate way, and relationships will be better in the long run even if doing the boundary setting feels hard or mean in the short term.
rel-throwaway 6y ago
There has been plenty of unreasonable stuff over the years. Early in our marriage she spent close to 1000$ at the mall which left us short of funds to pay her grad school tuition that I had been saving to pay for her. Till date she refuses to understand our financial picture and will be completely lost if I were to get hit by a bus tomorrow. Also, she has not worked for >90% of our ~10 year marriage to follow her passion for art which has made ->$0 so far. I am fine with that because we don't need 2 incomes and I am happy she has the freedom to pursue her passions. Thankfully, like you, I have done pretty well in my career and could probably retire in a cheaper country or some midwestern town tomorrow. This is in addition to all the other things she has anxiety about doing -- driving the car to new places, walking the dog when it is dark outside etc. I had the exact same wish. I just wanted a happy family like my parents had. I adore my child. Now I just wish we could both get out of this without damaging him too much and I can be left alone.
- number6 6y ago
  Do you feel that she doesn't hold up her side of the deal? Did you ever talk about what you expect her to do? Why are you still together?
- ColdSolo 6y ago
  This is extremely similar to my situation. When I finish my workday I often find myself just sitting with her and watching Netflix but if I get up and go to the other room to do something I'm interested in she'll get upset. I think a lot of the issues come from the fact that I don't feel I "need" anything from her. It makes it hard to relate to her when she "needs" something from me. I actually think not needing anything from other people is the root of the issue. I'm very independent and always trying to be self-sufficient (stock piling money, etc) so that I don't need to rely on other people. I think this independence is a fault as it keeps from from "being vulnerable" and opening up more which is what leads to deeper connections with other humans. I'm trying to work on it a bit and have found that when I genuinely open up to my wife it actually frees up more time for me. Rather than spending 3 hours watching netflix we can spend 30 minutes having a deep conversation and then her needs are met and I can go do my own thing. Trying to do this regularly is really difficult though.
- 08-15 6y ago
  > she has said that me being reluctant [...] is a form of emotional abuse > her grad school tuition that I had been saving to pay for her > she has not worked for >90% of our ~10 year marriage My friend, you are not abusing your wife. She is abusing you. She is also gaslighting you into thinking you are the problem. You're not. And she is using your child to blackmail you emotionally. > things she has anxiety about doing -- driving the car to new places, walking the dog when it is dark outside This isn't anxiety, it's laziness. But if you're merely reluctant about the exact same things, she calls it "a form of emotional abuse." Brilliant. Unfortunately, the way the law is currently applied, there is nothing you can do without violating it.
- menotyou 6y ago
  I agree 100% with 08-15s reply. Looks more that she is abusing you. I was married to a woman who behaved in a similar fashion. Calling me during work days for ridiculous reasons. Never satisfied. Needed constant attention. Took all disagreements as personal attacks. Needy, prickly, never thankful to anyone. In the end we separated as everything in the marriage was one way street in her direction. Today I regret that I did not leave her more early but tried to rescue the family by letting everything her way. Looking back she had a Narcistic Personality Disorder (which was meanwhile confirmed by a psychologist). Get books on narcissism. Try to speak to a professional if you believe she is narcistic. But NPS is (almost) not treatable. So the only solution is to leave if she is narcistic. Luckily I managed that our kids stayed with me after separation. And for the kids protection, don't leave the kid with her when you leave. (Recommended Reading: "Children of the self absorbed" by Nina Brown).
trianglem 6y ago
I’m going to get downvoted for this but here goes. For a marriage to be successful, one partner has to be dominant. A marriage of equals doesn’t work and your parents (and mine) have happy relationships because this principle was followed. I converted to Islam around 8 years ago and married a Muslim woman and I could not be more happy. For the last 6 years, everyday is bliss and I’ve never performed better at work.
- mafuy 6y ago
  Well you're certainly right that it's easy to want to downvote your statement. I'd like to learn: Can you explain what the advantages of the dominant marriages are? Since you mention Islam, I assume you're the dominant one. I'm going to assume your wife is happy in her role. Do you think the female can be the dominant one in a relationship, too, or how is that decided?
  - ibn_khaldun 6y ago
    Not my post, but if I may I’d like to offer my input, please. The word “dominance” seems to carry a negative connotation in the context of interpersonal relationships. There a lot of historical factors that are the cause of this and it's beyond the scope of this conversation to delve deeply into that. Nonetheless, as far as Islam is concerned, it is the role of the man to wield the influence/be dominant in his household. This is by virtue of his responsibilities -- his attachment to the Masjid (or “Mosque” in the West), his duty to earn a living for the household and his duty as an educator and paragon of good character, not just in the home but in his community as well. The word “dominance” may suggest a sense of oppression in modern times. But in the scope of Islam, that husband who is “dominant” in reality eschews all reprehensible conduct that could be associated with the word. As I mentioned before, yes, in Islam there are expectations on the Muslim wife. But likewise there are expectations (if not more) on the Muslim husband. Again, that Muslim man assumes dominance in the household out of the necessity that is to submit himself both internally and externally to the conduct of the Prophet Muhammad (peace and prayers be upon him). The advantages of this lie in the husband assuming his natural role as prescribed by Allah and exemplified by the Messenger of Allah (peace and prayers be upon him). If the situation were to be reversed, then this could not be the case. If anything, the man would not just be neglecting his duties as a husband, but as a Muslim as well. If the situation were to be reversed, it would behove the woman to instead leverage this dominance in order to encourage her husband to fulfill the rights he owes to her and to humanity. If he accepts this, then the natural order as described above would inevitably fall into place.

demadog 6y ago

She’s likely wanting your presence and testing your loyalty or something? Definitely would help to see a couples therapist but if not, I think setting clear boundaries - like work time is work time - but also scheduling time together would put her at ease and prevent random requests.

0_____0 6y ago
100% this. I've been working through similar issues in my personal life (complicated by COVID, natch) and what I've come to is that I need to get way better about setting clear boundaries and expectations with people I care about. This can be done in a compassionate way, and relationships will be better in the long run even if doing the boundary setting feels hard or mean in the short term.

rel-throwaway 6y ago

There has been plenty of unreasonable stuff over the years. Early in our marriage she spent close to 1000$ at the mall which left us short of funds to pay her grad school tuition that I had been saving to pay for her. Till date she refuses to understand our financial picture and will be completely lost if I were to get hit by a bus tomorrow. Also, she has not worked for >90% of our ~10 year marriage to follow her passion for art which has made ->$0 so far. I am fine with that because we don't need 2 incomes and I am happy she has the freedom to pursue her passions. Thankfully, like you, I have done pretty well in my career and could probably retire in a cheaper country or some midwestern town tomorrow. This is in addition to all the other things she has anxiety about doing -- driving the car to new places, walking the dog when it is dark outside etc. I had the exact same wish. I just wanted a happy family like my parents had. I adore my child. Now I just wish we could both get out of this without damaging him too much and I can be left alone.

number6 6y ago
Do you feel that she doesn't hold up her side of the deal? Did you ever talk about what you expect her to do? Why are you still together?
ColdSolo 6y ago
This is extremely similar to my situation. When I finish my workday I often find myself just sitting with her and watching Netflix but if I get up and go to the other room to do something I'm interested in she'll get upset. I think a lot of the issues come from the fact that I don't feel I "need" anything from her. It makes it hard to relate to her when she "needs" something from me. I actually think not needing anything from other people is the root of the issue. I'm very independent and always trying to be self-sufficient (stock piling money, etc) so that I don't need to rely on other people. I think this independence is a fault as it keeps from from "being vulnerable" and opening up more which is what leads to deeper connections with other humans. I'm trying to work on it a bit and have found that when I genuinely open up to my wife it actually frees up more time for me. Rather than spending 3 hours watching netflix we can spend 30 minutes having a deep conversation and then her needs are met and I can go do my own thing. Trying to do this regularly is really difficult though.
08-15 6y ago
> she has said that me being reluctant [...] is a form of emotional abuse > her grad school tuition that I had been saving to pay for her > she has not worked for >90% of our ~10 year marriage My friend, you are not abusing your wife. She is abusing you. She is also gaslighting you into thinking you are the problem. You're not. And she is using your child to blackmail you emotionally. > things she has anxiety about doing -- driving the car to new places, walking the dog when it is dark outside This isn't anxiety, it's laziness. But if you're merely reluctant about the exact same things, she calls it "a form of emotional abuse." Brilliant. Unfortunately, the way the law is currently applied, there is nothing you can do without violating it.
menotyou 6y ago
I agree 100% with 08-15s reply. Looks more that she is abusing you. I was married to a woman who behaved in a similar fashion. Calling me during work days for ridiculous reasons. Never satisfied. Needed constant attention. Took all disagreements as personal attacks. Needy, prickly, never thankful to anyone. In the end we separated as everything in the marriage was one way street in her direction. Today I regret that I did not leave her more early but tried to rescue the family by letting everything her way. Looking back she had a Narcistic Personality Disorder (which was meanwhile confirmed by a psychologist). Get books on narcissism. Try to speak to a professional if you believe she is narcistic. But NPS is (almost) not treatable. So the only solution is to leave if she is narcistic. Luckily I managed that our kids stayed with me after separation. And for the kids protection, don't leave the kid with her when you leave. (Recommended Reading: "Children of the self absorbed" by Nina Brown).

trianglem 6y ago

I’m going to get downvoted for this but here goes. For a marriage to be successful, one partner has to be dominant. A marriage of equals doesn’t work and your parents (and mine) have happy relationships because this principle was followed. I converted to Islam around 8 years ago and married a Muslim woman and I could not be more happy. For the last 6 years, everyday is bliss and I’ve never performed better at work.

mafuy 6y ago
Well you're certainly right that it's easy to want to downvote your statement. I'd like to learn: Can you explain what the advantages of the dominant marriages are? Since you mention Islam, I assume you're the dominant one. I'm going to assume your wife is happy in her role. Do you think the female can be the dominant one in a relationship, too, or how is that decided?
- ibn_khaldun 6y ago
  Not my post, but if I may I’d like to offer my input, please. The word “dominance” seems to carry a negative connotation in the context of interpersonal relationships. There a lot of historical factors that are the cause of this and it's beyond the scope of this conversation to delve deeply into that. Nonetheless, as far as Islam is concerned, it is the role of the man to wield the influence/be dominant in his household. This is by virtue of his responsibilities -- his attachment to the Masjid (or “Mosque” in the West), his duty to earn a living for the household and his duty as an educator and paragon of good character, not just in the home but in his community as well. The word “dominance” may suggest a sense of oppression in modern times. But in the scope of Islam, that husband who is “dominant” in reality eschews all reprehensible conduct that could be associated with the word. As I mentioned before, yes, in Islam there are expectations on the Muslim wife. But likewise there are expectations (if not more) on the Muslim husband. Again, that Muslim man assumes dominance in the household out of the necessity that is to submit himself both internally and externally to the conduct of the Prophet Muhammad (peace and prayers be upon him). The advantages of this lie in the husband assuming his natural role as prescribed by Allah and exemplified by the Messenger of Allah (peace and prayers be upon him). If the situation were to be reversed, then this could not be the case. If anything, the man would not just be neglecting his duties as a husband, but as a Muslim as well. If the situation were to be reversed, it would behove the woman to instead leverage this dominance in order to encourage her husband to fulfill the rights he owes to her and to humanity. If he accepts this, then the natural order as described above would inevitably fall into place.