5 ms·

I struggle with this in my personal life. To most friends and acquaintances I can be friendly, personable, interesting, and engaging when we meet. But at home,

I struggle with this in my personal life. To most friends and acquaintances I can be friendly, personable, interesting, and engaging when we meet. But at home, with close family, and especially with my wife I struggle to be that person. My default state is that I mostly want to be left alone. All the people closest to me seem to want something -- time, attention, help, emotional support etc. none of which I seem to need from anybody else and leads to annoyance and resentment on my part. It doesn't help that I have a particularly stressful job managing a large team with silly interpersonal issues and politics that I have to deal with. My wife and I have our good moments, are good parents (I think), but day to day is such a struggle. It is constant cycle of me wanting to be left alone and her wanting something or the other from me and getting annoyed that I show reluctance to do it leading to resentment on both sides. Not sure how to fix it or where to turn to for help. I am not an angry person and I don't physically yell or hurt her but she has said that me being reluctant with most things is a form of emotional abuse, which after reading this concerns me and is cause for introspection.

throwaway6299 6y ago
How strange, just created an account to say that I am the same way and was thinking about this a lot last night. (Although, I don’t think I am emotionally abusive, as I feel my spouse demands things that are entirely unreasonable, like frequently asking me to leave work in the middle of the day to come help with something or buying a house and dog when we had less than $1,000 in our account). All I wanted my whole life was a happy family with a happy relationship like my parents had. That didn’t happen and now all I want is to be left alone, and it’s like everyone wants something from me but I don’t need or want anything from them. I have a great job now, so the only thing I look forward to each day is hopefully reaching financial independence before I’m 40. At least then I can “buy” some alone time.
- demadog 6y ago
  She’s likely wanting your presence and testing your loyalty or something? Definitely would help to see a couples therapist but if not, I think setting clear boundaries - like work time is work time - but also scheduling time together would put her at ease and prevent random requests.
  - 0_____0 6y ago
    100% this. I've been working through similar issues in my personal life (complicated by COVID, natch) and what I've come to is that I need to get way better about setting clear boundaries and expectations with people I care about. This can be done in a compassionate way, and relationships will be better in the long run even if doing the boundary setting feels hard or mean in the short term.
- rel-throwaway 6y ago
  There has been plenty of unreasonable stuff over the years. Early in our marriage she spent close to 1000$ at the mall which left us short of funds to pay her grad school tuition that I had been saving to pay for her. Till date she refuses to understand our financial picture and will be completely lost if I were to get hit by a bus tomorrow. Also, she has not worked for >90% of our ~10 year marriage to follow her passion for art which has made ->$0 so far. I am fine with that because we don't need 2 incomes and I am happy she has the freedom to pursue her passions. Thankfully, like you, I have done pretty well in my career and could probably retire in a cheaper country or some midwestern town tomorrow. This is in addition to all the other things she has anxiety about doing -- driving the car to new places, walking the dog when it is dark outside etc. I had the exact same wish. I just wanted a happy family like my parents had. I adore my child. Now I just wish we could both get out of this without damaging him too much and I can be left alone.
  - number6 6y ago
    Do you feel that she doesn't hold up her side of the deal? Did you ever talk about what you expect her to do? Why are you still together?
  - ColdSolo 6y ago
    This is extremely similar to my situation. When I finish my workday I often find myself just sitting with her and watching Netflix but if I get up and go to the other room to do something I'm interested in she'll get upset. I think a lot of the issues come from the fact that I don't feel I "need" anything from her. It makes it hard to relate to her when she "needs" something from me. I actually think not needing anything from other people is the root of the issue. I'm very independent and always trying to be self-sufficient (stock piling money, etc) so that I don't need to rely on other people. I think this independence is a fault as it keeps from from "being vulnerable" and opening up more which is what leads to deeper connections with other humans. I'm trying to work on it a bit and have found that when I genuinely open up to my wife it actually frees up more time for me. Rather than spending 3 hours watching netflix we can spend 30 minutes having a deep conversation and then her needs are met and I can go do my own thing. Trying to do this regularly is really difficult though.
- trianglem 6y ago
  I’m going to get downvoted for this but here goes. For a marriage to be successful, one partner has to be dominant. A marriage of equals doesn’t work and your parents (and mine) have happy relationships because this principle was followed. I converted to Islam around 8 years ago and married a Muslim woman and I could not be more happy. For the last 6 years, everyday is bliss and I’ve never performed better at work.
  - mafuy 6y ago
    Well you're certainly right that it's easy to want to downvote your statement. I'd like to learn: Can you explain what the advantages of the dominant marriages are? Since you mention Islam, I assume you're the dominant one. I'm going to assume your wife is happy in her role. Do you think the female can be the dominant one in a relationship, too, or how is that decided?
    - ibn_khaldun 6y ago
      Not my post, but if I may I’d like to offer my input, please. The word “dominance” seems to carry a negative connotation in the context of interpersonal relationships. There a lot of historical factors that are the cause of this and it's beyond the scope of this conversation to delve deeply into that. Nonetheless, as far as Islam is concerned, it is the role of the man to wield the influence/be dominant in his household. This is by virtue of his responsibilities -- his attachment to the Masjid (or “Mosque” in the West), his duty to earn a living for the household and his duty as an educator and paragon of good character, not just in the home but in his community as well. The word “dominance” may suggest a sense of oppression in modern times. But in the scope of Islam, that husband who is “dominant” in reality eschews all reprehensible conduct that could be associated with the word. As I mentioned before, yes, in Islam there are expectations on the Muslim wife. But likewise there are expectations (if not more) on the Muslim husband. Again, that Muslim man assumes dominance in the household out of the necessity that is to submit himself both internally and externally to the conduct of the Prophet Muhammad (peace and prayers be upon him). The advantages of this lie in the husband assuming his natural role as prescribed by Allah and exemplified by the Messenger of Allah (peace and prayers be upon him). If the situation were to be reversed, then this could not be the case. If anything, the man would not just be neglecting his duties as a husband, but as a Muslim as well. If the situation were to be reversed, it would behove the woman to instead leverage this dominance in order to encourage her husband to fulfill the rights he owes to her and to humanity. If he accepts this, then the natural order as described above would inevitably fall into place.
demadog 6y ago
Just a thought, but what if you set a daily time limit of being fully engaged and present with your wife, say for an hour or two, but then it is understood that you need ~3 hrs of alone time. Sounds like you’re an introvert and need time to recharge from managing a team and you’re burnt out from that. I think she’d be delighted with an hour a day of full presence, perhaps more on the weekend.
- Pet_Ant 6y ago
  I’m not sure how I would feel if my partner wanted to spend 3 times as much time alone as with me. That’s kind of degrading unless you are both into that. What are you getting out of the relationship at all? Sounds like they should leave and be alone.
  - anotherman554 6y ago
    In the TV show Six Feet Under one of the couples found happiness when they realized they shouldn't live together but they were happy to date each other and see each other regularly, just not all the time, because the boyfriend went through cycles when he enjoyed socializing and cycles when he wanted to be alone. That strikes me as fine if both people are happy with the arrangement, but if kids are in the picture or one of the partners is unhappy with this arrangement I don't know if it will work.
  - demadog 6y ago
    Yea for sure but I think the message is that 1 hour of engaged time - such as going on a short date (at home or other) is much better than 4 hours disengaged and thinking of work while watching Netflix
- rel-throwaway 6y ago
  This is a good suggestion and something I am going to attempt to negotiate. I think part of the problem is something a person called out below -- we are fundamentally different. She does not need the same amount of time alone and may resent me for wanting that. But something to try.
alsetmusic 6y ago
Have you considered getting a psych evaluation? I’m not trying to swipe at you, I’m approaching this with the most positive of intent. What you’re describing sounds like a personality disorder of some sort. Identifying such may help surface strategies for lessening those feelings. Disclaimer: not a mental health professional, but have had a couple in my personal life.

throwaway6299 6y ago

How strange, just created an account to say that I am the same way and was thinking about this a lot last night. (Although, I don’t think I am emotionally abusive, as I feel my spouse demands things that are entirely unreasonable, like frequently asking me to leave work in the middle of the day to come help with something or buying a house and dog when we had less than $1,000 in our account). All I wanted my whole life was a happy family with a happy relationship like my parents had. That didn’t happen and now all I want is to be left alone, and it’s like everyone wants something from me but I don’t need or want anything from them. I have a great job now, so the only thing I look forward to each day is hopefully reaching financial independence before I’m 40. At least then I can “buy” some alone time.

demadog 6y ago
She’s likely wanting your presence and testing your loyalty or something? Definitely would help to see a couples therapist but if not, I think setting clear boundaries - like work time is work time - but also scheduling time together would put her at ease and prevent random requests.
- 0_____0 6y ago
  100% this. I've been working through similar issues in my personal life (complicated by COVID, natch) and what I've come to is that I need to get way better about setting clear boundaries and expectations with people I care about. This can be done in a compassionate way, and relationships will be better in the long run even if doing the boundary setting feels hard or mean in the short term.
rel-throwaway 6y ago
There has been plenty of unreasonable stuff over the years. Early in our marriage she spent close to 1000$ at the mall which left us short of funds to pay her grad school tuition that I had been saving to pay for her. Till date she refuses to understand our financial picture and will be completely lost if I were to get hit by a bus tomorrow. Also, she has not worked for >90% of our ~10 year marriage to follow her passion for art which has made ->$0 so far. I am fine with that because we don't need 2 incomes and I am happy she has the freedom to pursue her passions. Thankfully, like you, I have done pretty well in my career and could probably retire in a cheaper country or some midwestern town tomorrow. This is in addition to all the other things she has anxiety about doing -- driving the car to new places, walking the dog when it is dark outside etc. I had the exact same wish. I just wanted a happy family like my parents had. I adore my child. Now I just wish we could both get out of this without damaging him too much and I can be left alone.
- number6 6y ago
  Do you feel that she doesn't hold up her side of the deal? Did you ever talk about what you expect her to do? Why are you still together?
- ColdSolo 6y ago
  This is extremely similar to my situation. When I finish my workday I often find myself just sitting with her and watching Netflix but if I get up and go to the other room to do something I'm interested in she'll get upset. I think a lot of the issues come from the fact that I don't feel I "need" anything from her. It makes it hard to relate to her when she "needs" something from me. I actually think not needing anything from other people is the root of the issue. I'm very independent and always trying to be self-sufficient (stock piling money, etc) so that I don't need to rely on other people. I think this independence is a fault as it keeps from from "being vulnerable" and opening up more which is what leads to deeper connections with other humans. I'm trying to work on it a bit and have found that when I genuinely open up to my wife it actually frees up more time for me. Rather than spending 3 hours watching netflix we can spend 30 minutes having a deep conversation and then her needs are met and I can go do my own thing. Trying to do this regularly is really difficult though.
trianglem 6y ago
I’m going to get downvoted for this but here goes. For a marriage to be successful, one partner has to be dominant. A marriage of equals doesn’t work and your parents (and mine) have happy relationships because this principle was followed. I converted to Islam around 8 years ago and married a Muslim woman and I could not be more happy. For the last 6 years, everyday is bliss and I’ve never performed better at work.
- mafuy 6y ago
  Well you're certainly right that it's easy to want to downvote your statement. I'd like to learn: Can you explain what the advantages of the dominant marriages are? Since you mention Islam, I assume you're the dominant one. I'm going to assume your wife is happy in her role. Do you think the female can be the dominant one in a relationship, too, or how is that decided?
  - ibn_khaldun 6y ago
    Not my post, but if I may I’d like to offer my input, please. The word “dominance” seems to carry a negative connotation in the context of interpersonal relationships. There a lot of historical factors that are the cause of this and it's beyond the scope of this conversation to delve deeply into that. Nonetheless, as far as Islam is concerned, it is the role of the man to wield the influence/be dominant in his household. This is by virtue of his responsibilities -- his attachment to the Masjid (or “Mosque” in the West), his duty to earn a living for the household and his duty as an educator and paragon of good character, not just in the home but in his community as well. The word “dominance” may suggest a sense of oppression in modern times. But in the scope of Islam, that husband who is “dominant” in reality eschews all reprehensible conduct that could be associated with the word. As I mentioned before, yes, in Islam there are expectations on the Muslim wife. But likewise there are expectations (if not more) on the Muslim husband. Again, that Muslim man assumes dominance in the household out of the necessity that is to submit himself both internally and externally to the conduct of the Prophet Muhammad (peace and prayers be upon him). The advantages of this lie in the husband assuming his natural role as prescribed by Allah and exemplified by the Messenger of Allah (peace and prayers be upon him). If the situation were to be reversed, then this could not be the case. If anything, the man would not just be neglecting his duties as a husband, but as a Muslim as well. If the situation were to be reversed, it would behove the woman to instead leverage this dominance in order to encourage her husband to fulfill the rights he owes to her and to humanity. If he accepts this, then the natural order as described above would inevitably fall into place.

demadog 6y ago

Just a thought, but what if you set a daily time limit of being fully engaged and present with your wife, say for an hour or two, but then it is understood that you need ~3 hrs of alone time. Sounds like you’re an introvert and need time to recharge from managing a team and you’re burnt out from that. I think she’d be delighted with an hour a day of full presence, perhaps more on the weekend.

Pet_Ant 6y ago
I’m not sure how I would feel if my partner wanted to spend 3 times as much time alone as with me. That’s kind of degrading unless you are both into that. What are you getting out of the relationship at all? Sounds like they should leave and be alone.
- anotherman554 6y ago
  In the TV show Six Feet Under one of the couples found happiness when they realized they shouldn't live together but they were happy to date each other and see each other regularly, just not all the time, because the boyfriend went through cycles when he enjoyed socializing and cycles when he wanted to be alone. That strikes me as fine if both people are happy with the arrangement, but if kids are in the picture or one of the partners is unhappy with this arrangement I don't know if it will work.
- demadog 6y ago
  Yea for sure but I think the message is that 1 hour of engaged time - such as going on a short date (at home or other) is much better than 4 hours disengaged and thinking of work while watching Netflix
rel-throwaway 6y ago
This is a good suggestion and something I am going to attempt to negotiate. I think part of the problem is something a person called out below -- we are fundamentally different. She does not need the same amount of time alone and may resent me for wanting that. But something to try.

alsetmusic 6y ago

Have you considered getting a psych evaluation? I’m not trying to swipe at you, I’m approaching this with the most positive of intent. What you’re describing sounds like a personality disorder of some sort. Identifying such may help surface strategies for lessening those feelings. Disclaimer: not a mental health professional, but have had a couple in my personal life.