I initially thought about writing what you're concluding, but after giving it more thought my conclusion wasn't that one has to strive to be kind but instead to

I initially thought about writing what you're concluding, but after giving it more thought my conclusion wasn't that one has to strive to be kind but instead to be sincere. Kindness for its own sake might even be upsetting to me, instead of kindness "happening" alongside sincerity. But I realized that this was due to my own preferences (having more interactions that don't feel scripted, a human connection even with all the not-so-good parts), so I decided to leave it out of the message. Because I have no way to really prescribe anything to anybody, I don't know what is "best" if being kind and being sincere ever conflict, and I don't know what other people in such a vulnerable situation might react to or want. For all I know it might be diametrically opposed in a significant subset of people having gone through the same process. From the other side of things, I have had decent outcomes attempting to be both at once when someone is in crisis. Using my better judgment to figure out what to prioritize if conflict arises between the two - often based on what I perceived from the other person. There's time for advice, there's time for being heard, there's time to be. I'd hardly call that an exact science, but I remind myself and anyone who I think should hear it that you shouldn't beat yourself up for trying to help and not "succeeding". That it's not your fault, nor is it the fault of the person in pain to do something so violent because they want to stop feeling that pain. Faulting leads nowhere constructive, even though later on I could find strength to figure out (and own up to) my own part of responsibility in life - which can be constructive. I guess the HN-equivalent discussion is all the debate around the naming of "git blame" :) We just simply don't have enough information about the universe to really know better most of the time, and as a consequence of that you can't reliably predict much of it all even with the best and most genuine attempts to help. (I realize I am saying obvious things, but I'll leave it there)