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I think it's important to point out that "being nice" also involves making room for people that might come across as rude, or that have difficulty expressing th

I think it's important to point out that "being nice" also involves making room for people that might come across as rude, or that have difficulty expressing themselves in a polite way, or that are just speaking directly. I often get accused of being rude in my writing because I am direct. I've known lots of people (especially devs) that don't really understand that their phrasing might be interpreted as rude. If someone is clearly just lobbing insults, that's one thing, but we also have obligations to be charitable when interpreting others, and that charity often involves couching their expression as an attempt at being "politely informative." I would also say: unless it's flagrant, learn to deal with it. It's important to be able to deal with people, and that involves dealing with unhappy people, people who are stressed or at wits end, and so on. It goes both ways.

awb 6y ago
> It's important to be able to deal with people, and that involves dealing with unhappy people, people who are stressed or at wits end, and so on. It goes both ways. That's a good rule on thumb, provided that the initiator is willing to reflect, take responsibility and repair any damage caused when the receiver indicates that their communication wasn't received well. Or, if the initiator isn't willing to do that, then being able to disconnect peacefully without judgement and further harming the receiver. "I'm sorry for coming across that way" is a pretty simple way to acknowledge the receiver's experience without feeling like you need to change or that it was your fault. It's amazing how much damage to relationships comes not from the initial blow, but rather the insistence that no blow was delivered. Many times I've seen "straight shooters" be received poorly and result to calling their receiver sensitive, etc., rather than accepting that the "straight talk" doesn't work for that person and that neither one of you has done anything wrong, it's just that the two styles aren't working for either of you. Or vice versa when an initiator tries really hard to "soften the blow" with slow, peaceful words when it ends up being more torture for the receiver than just spitting it out with whatever emotion comes with it.
jkingsbery 6y ago
So, I agree we should all be charitable, but we also shouldn't settle for "well, that's just how I am" because communication can be a practiced skill. As one example, a direct-personality coworker of mine learned to compensate by asking others for feedback before sending emails (or at least important ones to others outside the team). As another example, I've seen people with http://three.sentenc.es/ http://three.sentenc.es/ in their email signatures, and this makes it clear that the brevity comes from valuing the time of the reader.

awb 6y ago

> It's important to be able to deal with people, and that involves dealing with unhappy people, people who are stressed or at wits end, and so on. It goes both ways. That's a good rule on thumb, provided that the initiator is willing to reflect, take responsibility and repair any damage caused when the receiver indicates that their communication wasn't received well. Or, if the initiator isn't willing to do that, then being able to disconnect peacefully without judgement and further harming the receiver. "I'm sorry for coming across that way" is a pretty simple way to acknowledge the receiver's experience without feeling like you need to change or that it was your fault. It's amazing how much damage to relationships comes not from the initial blow, but rather the insistence that no blow was delivered. Many times I've seen "straight shooters" be received poorly and result to calling their receiver sensitive, etc., rather than accepting that the "straight talk" doesn't work for that person and that neither one of you has done anything wrong, it's just that the two styles aren't working for either of you. Or vice versa when an initiator tries really hard to "soften the blow" with slow, peaceful words when it ends up being more torture for the receiver than just spitting it out with whatever emotion comes with it.

jkingsbery 6y ago

So, I agree we should all be charitable, but we also shouldn't settle for "well, that's just how I am" because communication can be a practiced skill. As one example, a direct-personality coworker of mine learned to compensate by asking others for feedback before sending emails (or at least important ones to others outside the team). As another example, I've seen people with http://three.sentenc.es/ http://three.sentenc.es/ in their email signatures, and this makes it clear that the brevity comes from valuing the time of the reader.