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Ask HN: Best Joke You Know?

16 points by studius 6y ago

In 2021, I want to keep things light. What's the best joke you know, so the rest of us can seem wittier?

ohiovr 6y ago
http://wikibon.org/wiki/v/Prepare_three_envelopes http://wikibon.org/wiki/v/Prepare_three_envelopes
c-smile 6y ago
Record in resume: experienced kamikaze.
bokchoi 6y ago
What does a dog do that you step into? Pants!
kian 6y ago
What do you call a modern-day couch potato? A YouTuber.
sudgwexe 6y ago
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vyrotek 6y ago
Before interviewing candidates I print the resumes and mix them up. Then I throw half the pile into the trash to eliminate the unlucky people.
cbanek 6y ago
When is a door not a door? When it is ajar.
exaltation 6y ago
What is the difference between a cat and a comma? A cat has claws at the end of paws and a comma is a pause at the end of a clause.
conception 6y ago
3 guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion. The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating. The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish. First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm. Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him. Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions. The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish. First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more. Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already. Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around. The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways. Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years." Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed." Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says: "Guys, I think I fucked up."
- smrq 6y ago
  I knew the punchline for this one as soon as I read the first line-- because the first time I saw this joke I couldn't stop myself from laughing hysterically for ages. I tried telling it to my girlfriend to explain just what the hell was so funny, but I couldn't get more than a few lines out at a time before thinking about the ending and cracking up again.
Henk0 6y ago
Three high-jumpers stumbled into a bar. Blame competition organizers for setting the bar too low. Barred from further competition. Just made that up. Chuckle or cringe, it’s all good
deleted 6y ago
[deleted]
baby 6y ago
I subscribe to r/jokes and honestly I find written jokes not funny.
runawaybottle 6y ago
It’s not a joke, but wallstreetbets had a funny comment that I can’t over: https://postimg.cc/kV7HjyLw https://postimg.cc/kV7HjyLw
bjourne 6y ago
Two tomatoes were crossing the street. One of them was run over by a truck and the other said: "Come on, let's go ketchup."
timoth3y 6y ago
What do they give each Elmo doll before it leaves the factory? . . . Two test tickles.
threwawaysoff 6y ago
The one when Guy Kawasaki was totally blitz in The Wine Room on Romana St asked me this. I regurgitated some stupid joke a woman told me the day before. Crowdsourcing at its finest.

16 points by studius 6y ago

In 2021, I want to keep things light. What's the best joke you know, so the rest of us can seem wittier?

ohiovr 6y ago

http://wikibon.org/wiki/v/Prepare_three_envelopes http://wikibon.org/wiki/v/Prepare_three_envelopes

c-smile 6y ago

Record in resume: experienced kamikaze.

bokchoi 6y ago

What does a dog do that you step into? Pants!

kian 6y ago

What do you call a modern-day couch potato? A YouTuber.

sudgwexe 6y ago

Steel Bite Pro Reviews As per the official website, Steel Bite Pro is a natural product which contains only natural ingredients. However, we will expose the ingredients details later. Natural ingredients do not have any side effects on body. In fact, there are 23 types of natural ingredients included in this product and all of them are free from side effects. http://supplementsnetwork.org/steel-bite-pro/ http://supplementsnetwork.org/steel-bite-pro/ http://supplementsnetwork.org/ http://supplementsnetwork.org/ https://twitter.com/SteelBitePro3/status/1343575812616855553 https://twitter.com/SteelBitePro3/status/1343575812616855553 https://publons.com/researcher/4132847/steel-bite-pro-get-50-off-today/ https://publons.com/researcher/4132847/steel-bite-pro-get-50... https://tocal.instructure.com/eportfolios/9590/ https://tocal.instructure.com/eportfolios/9590/ https://gocrowdera.com/US/other/steel-bite-pro/ https://gocrowdera.com/US/other/steel-bite-pro/ https://www.bonfire.com/steel-bite-pro/ https://www.bonfire.com/steel-bite-pro/ https://www.stageit.com/SteelBitePro https://www.stageit.com/SteelBitePro https://teletype.in/@steelbitepro/zXzJRVoPp https://teletype.in/@steelbitepro/zXzJRVoPp https://share.naturalnews.com/p/3641359 https://share.naturalnews.com/p/3641359

vyrotek 6y ago

Before interviewing candidates I print the resumes and mix them up. Then I throw half the pile into the trash to eliminate the unlucky people.

cbanek 6y ago

When is a door not a door? When it is ajar.

exaltation 6y ago

What is the difference between a cat and a comma? A cat has claws at the end of paws and a comma is a pause at the end of a clause.

conception 6y ago

3 guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion. The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating. The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish. First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm. Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him. Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions. The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish. First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more. Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already. Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around. The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways. Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years." Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed." Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says: "Guys, I think I fucked up."

smrq 6y ago
I knew the punchline for this one as soon as I read the first line-- because the first time I saw this joke I couldn't stop myself from laughing hysterically for ages. I tried telling it to my girlfriend to explain just what the hell was so funny, but I couldn't get more than a few lines out at a time before thinking about the ending and cracking up again.

Henk0 6y ago

Three high-jumpers stumbled into a bar. Blame competition organizers for setting the bar too low. Barred from further competition. Just made that up. Chuckle or cringe, it’s all good

deleted 6y ago

[deleted]

baby 6y ago

I subscribe to r/jokes and honestly I find written jokes not funny.

runawaybottle 6y ago

It’s not a joke, but wallstreetbets had a funny comment that I can’t over: https://postimg.cc/kV7HjyLw https://postimg.cc/kV7HjyLw

bjourne 6y ago

Two tomatoes were crossing the street. One of them was run over by a truck and the other said: "Come on, let's go ketchup."

timoth3y 6y ago

What do they give each Elmo doll before it leaves the factory? . . . Two test tickles.

threwawaysoff 6y ago

The one when Guy Kawasaki was totally blitz in The Wine Room on Romana St asked me this. I regurgitated some stupid joke a woman told me the day before. Crowdsourcing at its finest.