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Every time I think about anger, I end up concluding it must originate from fear. Frequently that fear is related to one’s status in various social groups and/or

Every time I think about anger, I end up concluding it must originate from fear. Frequently that fear is related to one’s status in various social groups and/or perceived lack of control. What fundamental fear is of in specific circumstances IMO determines whether the anger downstream is, to quote the article, “correct”. If someone stole from you a little, the underlying fear could be that it is a trend, your subsistence is directly in danger, and/or that your social status is becoming such that others feel comfortable stealing from you[0]. Payback desire is the desire to reaffirm your status and deter future occurrences. If you feel angry because of something your spouse has done, there may be a hidden fear of losing control, or losing them. Being angry is probably going to be the least optimal response, and the need for control could be something worth working on. If someone physically attacked you, what kind of fear lies behind your anger is obvious. (Anecdotally, I get a brief flash of irrational anger if I accidentally and suddenly hit my head, e.g. at some low-hanging feature. I think somehow this triggers the same response as if I was physically attacked. Lasts milliseconds.) The more confident, relaxed, and non-controlling one is, the less cause there would be for anger. [0] It doesn’t have to be, depending on circumstances: if you are an affluent tourist with a fat bank account and real estate, and someone snatches your wallet while you are walking down a night market in a developing country you are visiting, you have not much reason to be angry: sure, it’s an inconvenience to call your bank and block credit cards, but objectively you are not in trouble, and you are detached from society in which the theft took place. A local resident could have a radically different response in the same scenario.

ReactiveJelly 6y ago
That matches what I've found. I get the most angry when I can't control something, can't wait it out, can't avoid it. Then I feel cornered. "This isn't my fault, I can't escape it, and it's just going to _keep happening to me like it always does_." As soon as I think of any way to deal with something, or even if someone else says "Yeah this sucks, let's never do this again" I feel relieved. Like the time I bought some cheese sauce packets, not realizing they had been cut by a box cutter at the store and were leaking. I was angry until I realized I could just take them back to the store and exchange them. So the hard part is suppressing my anger until a solution appears. I don't know the trick to that yet.
- strogonoff 6y ago
  The feeling of being cornered rings like a great way to describe what may be the cause of anger in many circumstances. Personally, reframing anger as a manifestation of some variation of instinctive fear seems to help me dissolve it. (Fear has none of the perceived ‘righteousness’ of anger, so when I apply it to myself I think “what am I afraid of? I’m better than that”, and when I apply it to someone being angry at me I may almost feel pity for them and better resist escalating the situation by being angry in response.) Unfortunately, too often I fail to reframe quickly enough and still get hit by the initial anger, but I think it helps nevertheless.
hliyan 6y ago
This is a good insight. I reached a similar one a few years ago, but with regards to hate: i.e., that hate can only arise where there is fear, and fear is there where there is a threat (real or perceived). The quintessential example in my mind: would the Nazis have emerged and acted the way they did, had they seen the German Jews as just a quirky religious minority? Would any immigrant today, be hated if people of the host nation saw them as just just a bunch of people who look different and have quirky customs? Perhaps it is not about the differences, but fear of losing what they think is their way of life as the migrant population increases.
- strogonoff 6y ago
  Your example regarding immigrants & hate agrees with my observations. I believe those host nations that (as far as I could tell) harbour no hatred towards immigrants could be separated into two categories: countries where locals tend to feel broadly confident, and countries where locals tend to feel innately superior to non-locals. In the former countries, immigrants indeed seem to be perceived simply as a bunch of differently-looking people with quirky customs. In the latter countries, feeling of superiority seems to preclude anger or hate, but contempt seems to be possible in some circumstances (I suspect contempt might be fear in presence of superiority).
rtkaratekid 6y ago
Something like fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering?
specialist 6y ago
The book When Anger Hurts changed my life. https://www.amazon.com/When-Anger-Hurts-Quieting-Within/dp/1572243449 https://www.amazon.com/When-Anger-Hurts-Quieting-Within/dp/1... Thesis is that anger is the result of a cascade. Expectations -> Disappointment -> Resentment -> Blame -> Anger (From memory, will update if needed.) So the trick is update one's expectations, short circuit the cascade before it can even start. Separately, I learned that we can only replace habits with new habits, vs unlearn habits. Completely out of ideas, I faked being happy. One day I woke up, said to myself "Phenomenal!", and truly meant it. I was shocked that it worked. My whole transformation took about three years. YMMV. (Maybe having a life coach would work faster.)
Bancakes 6y ago
I'm having a hard time believing it's underlying fear that motivates anger generally. If some videogame AI craps out or an open source program turns out to be deprecated, I get angry at the supposed laziness and ignorance of devs. "How dare such people exist and hang their feats on a wall?" Not to mention strength follows anger, you need to be angry to handle a physical situation. Honestly I think you're trying to fit the cylinder in the square hole.

ReactiveJelly 6y ago

That matches what I've found. I get the most angry when I can't control something, can't wait it out, can't avoid it. Then I feel cornered. "This isn't my fault, I can't escape it, and it's just going to _keep happening to me like it always does_." As soon as I think of any way to deal with something, or even if someone else says "Yeah this sucks, let's never do this again" I feel relieved. Like the time I bought some cheese sauce packets, not realizing they had been cut by a box cutter at the store and were leaking. I was angry until I realized I could just take them back to the store and exchange them. So the hard part is suppressing my anger until a solution appears. I don't know the trick to that yet.

strogonoff 6y ago
The feeling of being cornered rings like a great way to describe what may be the cause of anger in many circumstances. Personally, reframing anger as a manifestation of some variation of instinctive fear seems to help me dissolve it. (Fear has none of the perceived ‘righteousness’ of anger, so when I apply it to myself I think “what am I afraid of? I’m better than that”, and when I apply it to someone being angry at me I may almost feel pity for them and better resist escalating the situation by being angry in response.) Unfortunately, too often I fail to reframe quickly enough and still get hit by the initial anger, but I think it helps nevertheless.

hliyan 6y ago

This is a good insight. I reached a similar one a few years ago, but with regards to hate: i.e., that hate can only arise where there is fear, and fear is there where there is a threat (real or perceived). The quintessential example in my mind: would the Nazis have emerged and acted the way they did, had they seen the German Jews as just a quirky religious minority? Would any immigrant today, be hated if people of the host nation saw them as just just a bunch of people who look different and have quirky customs? Perhaps it is not about the differences, but fear of losing what they think is their way of life as the migrant population increases.

strogonoff 6y ago
Your example regarding immigrants & hate agrees with my observations. I believe those host nations that (as far as I could tell) harbour no hatred towards immigrants could be separated into two categories: countries where locals tend to feel broadly confident, and countries where locals tend to feel innately superior to non-locals. In the former countries, immigrants indeed seem to be perceived simply as a bunch of differently-looking people with quirky customs. In the latter countries, feeling of superiority seems to preclude anger or hate, but contempt seems to be possible in some circumstances (I suspect contempt might be fear in presence of superiority).

rtkaratekid 6y ago

Something like fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering?

specialist 6y ago

The book When Anger Hurts changed my life. https://www.amazon.com/When-Anger-Hurts-Quieting-Within/dp/1572243449 https://www.amazon.com/When-Anger-Hurts-Quieting-Within/dp/1... Thesis is that anger is the result of a cascade. Expectations -> Disappointment -> Resentment -> Blame -> Anger (From memory, will update if needed.) So the trick is update one's expectations, short circuit the cascade before it can even start. Separately, I learned that we can only replace habits with new habits, vs unlearn habits. Completely out of ideas, I faked being happy. One day I woke up, said to myself "Phenomenal!", and truly meant it. I was shocked that it worked. My whole transformation took about three years. YMMV. (Maybe having a life coach would work faster.)

Bancakes 6y ago

I'm having a hard time believing it's underlying fear that motivates anger generally. If some videogame AI craps out or an open source program turns out to be deprecated, I get angry at the supposed laziness and ignorance of devs. "How dare such people exist and hang their feats on a wall?" Not to mention strength follows anger, you need to be angry to handle a physical situation. Honestly I think you're trying to fit the cylinder in the square hole.