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I’ve learned that when I have a positive thought about someone, it’s generally worth communicating it. If I think a coworker saved me on some project, I tell th

I’ve learned that when I have a positive thought about someone, it’s generally worth communicating it. If I think a coworker saved me on some project, I tell them. If my partner is making me feel warm and fuzzy, I tell her. If someone impresses me, I say so. I don’t think people express these things nearly as often as they feel them, and I expect that many of the positive things that do end up communicated have another motive behind them. Simple earnest positive comments are very much worthwhile.

rualca 6y ago
> I don’t think people express these things nearly as often as they feel them, and I expect that many of the positive things that do end up communicated have another motive behind them. I have the displeasure of working with a team member who does the exact opposite: at every chance he gets, he expressed his displeasure regarding other team members to management. Once I confronted him about that behavior and he stated that those who fix problems get promoted while those who create them get passed over, and he believed that by pointing other people's flaws he would improve his chances of moving upward. I firmly believe that's the main reason most people don't praise anyone else. If they do, they are calling out their competitor's positive contributions, while no one reciprocates in kind.
- NicoJuicy 6y ago
  I can confirm that some people think like this ( not me). I delegated some areas during a big event and I took one of those persons asside because he was too rude. He said that he pointed out mistakes ( which was correct, but they were new) and that they would remember it better if he was this direct. I just mentioned that he should not be this rude and just explain them what they did wrong and he adjusted. It was literally his mindset ( he adjusted that evening, not his mindset)
  - deleted 6y ago
    [deleted]
- dietr1ch 6y ago
  Bad things and behaviours should be called out in order to actively fix them instead of just waiting on that they are magically fixed. But this must be done in a constructive way. Pointing that something is wrong won't fix it, and if in the meantime you manage to ruin relationships within your team you have actively made things worse just to pretend being a good leader, but just proving you are an awful person to work with (and at this point you might still be wrong about your claim on what's wrong).
  - 6gvONxR4sf7o 6y ago
    Even if you don't accidentally ruin relationships, you might ruin the good behavior alongside the bad. I'm a big fan of a feedback system I've heard called "stop start continue." Stopping these bad behaviors, and starting these good behaviors are in the same vein of fixing bad things. But continuing these existing good behaviors is really important too. If you tell people what not to change, then they won't accidentally change the good stuff in their efforts to fix orthogonal things.
- berkes 6y ago
  I hear you. But having once worked with team-members who take critique at anything, personally, I feel there is more to this. I always try to praise a person. But I also want to "reserve all rights" to say that a codebase is crap or a choice made in the past was evidently a bad choice. Finding the balance to critique work that a person contributed to, without criticising that person itself, is hard. A true challenge, I found. It becomes even harder if a project is Open Source and you truly feel you have to "warn" people against using a solution in certain cases. It then becomes really hard not to sound like a grumpy old neckbeard or someone with a grudge. I lately decided it is best to just shut up, and let people find out themselves; to let them fail, fall or possibly succeed and prove me wrong instead. I do see the arrogance of that too, though.
  - cutemonster 6y ago
    > if a project is Open Source and you truly feel you have to "warn" people against using [it] How did you go about doing that? (How did you warn others about an oss project, ... Maybe one/some project at GitHub?)
    - berkes 6y ago
      I don't do that in public. Maybe when someone somewhere asks why I don't want to include X-lib or Y-dependency, I'll explain why for this case its not a good choice. Generally, I keep this to the consultancy-reports and on-premise discussions though.
      - cutemonster 6y ago
        Thanks for explaining I would have appreciated working with you/people who gave some critical thoughts to third party dependencies. I hope that each time you go to a new employer, you try again and see if they're happy with getting such warnings
        cutemonster 6y ago
        Edit: now i noticed you've founded your own company
- MKinley 6y ago
  This is a terrible mindset to have. When I was a manager I took every opportunity to praise my employees (with meaningful compliments and feedback) and discouraged negativity. During a management team meeting I even stood against the others on promoting someone because he was always negative and I pointed out how inefficient his coworkers were around him and that he would only continue that, it didn't matter how good he was himself at the job, he needed to be encouraged to change for the better. After working with him for a while and helping him see how he was hurting others and himself, he changed his mindset, and was later promoted, I continued to coach him even after I left that location. My basic point is this, even those with the wrong mindset can be swayed with the right mindset, as long as it is sincere.
- 6gvONxR4sf7o 6y ago
  I've had peers like that too. I'm sad at the proliferation of zero-sum thinking. It's like a prisoner's dilemma. The equilibrium state is competition, but collaboration gets us all ahead in a non-zero-sum way. Or, if you really do see it all as zero sum, there's still an analytical way out. Just take the long view. Collaboration will get our group ahead of the group who competes for the smallest things. Hyperbolically, we'd all rather be a low level IC at early my-shares-will-be-worth-infinity Google than be a VP at an imploding firm. The pro-social way out of the prisoner's dilemma's shitty equilibrium requires deliberate effort to foster the sort of personal trust and collaboration-by-default attitude that makes the 8+ work hours of every weekday of most of our lives not suck. And it makes people feel good, which is personally enough for me (while recognizing the privilege that lets me say I have enough).
- whack 6y ago
  This reflects just as badly on the org's leadership, as it does on the individual. Managers and other leaders need to give people a talking to, when they engage in toxic behavior. And they need to set a good example by promoting people who are good teammates. Do this consistently, and people will change their behavior for the better.
- r00fus 6y ago
  It’s possible this individual has a personal experience or upbringing where reciprocal behaviors were not respected. It’s possible he’s correct in certain workplaces. I’d hate to work with such an individual; I’d avoid them like the plague. To me “good culture” is the de-emphasis of these kinds of mindsets (and emphasis of the opposite). To the point where it’s justification for hire/fire.
- J5892 6y ago
  He's doing you a favor. Now you know that if he gets promoted faster than you or your co-workers, it's probably time to find a better company (or a better team, if that's an option).
- confidantlake 6y ago
  I wonder if the review system is stack ranked?
kostarelo 6y ago
On every retrospective session we do, every other week, there is an additional column called “stars” or “heros” and we add a note each there giving praises to someone else for something they did those two weeks. We then read them all out followed by a round of applause for each one of them. It brings great positivity to the team.
- yiyus 6y ago
  > We then read them all out followed by a round of applause for each one of them That may be good for team building and make some people feel better but, personally, I would find that situation very uncomfortable.
  - c_s_guy 6y ago
    I imagine it might also cause adverse effects if someone happens to be missed.
    - ImaCake 6y ago
      I have personally experienced this. My otherwise really good manager had a monthly vote for the best worker in our small team where each vote was publicly announced. I, and another coworker, never got a vote while others got several. Really great way to make some of your workers feel really left out!
      - symlinkk 6y ago
        If they handed out the award to everyone it would be meaningless
        deleted 6y ago
        [deleted]
        eyelidlessness 6y ago
        On the contrary: If you have a team member who no one sees fit to find praise for, it’s probably a bad fit. Praise doesn’t need to be superlative to be sincere. Not everyone has to be a “rockstar” to deserve positive validation.
nmlpx 6y ago
In theory that is great. I stopped praising colleagues after I found out that several people behaved as if they owned me afterwards. Also, I had a manager who would move everyone I praised off the team. He was paranoid about cliques.
- 6gvONxR4sf7o 6y ago
  You might need to adjust how you're praising people. A simple earnest slack DM of "thanks for the hand with that thing! i really appreciate you taking the time to do that" will still make people feel great.
- corobo 6y ago
  You don't need to stop complementing, you need to work someplace else That sounds awful
nicbou 6y ago
To an extent. As I become more generous with my compliments, I find that even a genuine compliment might be too much sometimes. That being said, I never miss a chance to praise people's work. As long as you don't make a big scene out of it, it's always appreciated.
- briandear 6y ago
  Completely agree. I prefer private praise both as a recipient and as a giver. Often I’ll send a quick note to the person’s manager as well. Occasionally, if it’s really spectacular work, I’ll cc our org’s upper management as well.
- deleted 6y ago
  [deleted]
vendiddy 6y ago
Great idea. People can usually sense when a compliment is genuine or forced. So sharing your positive thoughts ensures that most things you say are genuine. I realized that I am biased toward communicating things like feedback or suggestions. Yet I do have many positive thoughts about others that I keep to myself. I don't know why I do this.
Xavdidtheshadow 6y ago
We've got a `gratitude` channel in Slack for this exact thing! Its only purpose is to call out great work and nice gestures coworkers have done. Provides a nice little pick-me-up throughout the week.
Intermernet 6y ago
Personal thanks are just as important as monetary compensation. You build your surroundings and support your life with money, but you build your self esteem and support your motivation with gratitude.
- needsmust 6y ago
  Having self esteem dependent on others seems like a risky strategy.
  - Intermernet 6y ago
    Most people's self esteem is dependent on others. That's the pay-off for being a social animal. If you're highly self confident without any feedback from other people, chances are you're mistaken. Not guaranteed, but highly likely.
rsync 6y ago
"I’ve learned that when I have a positive thought about someone, it’s generally worth communicating it." I've started to do this on a regular, almost daily basis. If I come across something that sparks joy or interest - usually something I find here, on HN - I reach out to the author and let them know with a personal email. I also sometimes offer a free-forever-no-strings-attached rsync.net account on the off chance that they would find that useful. In reality, the Venn diagram of "people who write things that spark joy to the founder of rsync.net" and "people who aren't already self-hosting their own solution " is small. But once in a while it really makes someones day ...
- plibither8 6y ago
  I've been using rsync for months now to backup my files onto Google Drive, but that's hardly ideal. Ideally, I'd want to self-host or use a storage service other than Google Drive, but as a student I've got barely any money to spend on subscriptions.
  - RealStickman_ 6y ago
    If you don't regularly download these files, Backlaze B2 seems to be the cheapest way to store backups.
eyelidlessness 6y ago
In my last job (currently unemployed) I made a conscious effort to: 1. Always publicly thank contributors for each unit of work I encountered, no matter how mundane, and especially when I recognized the value where it wouldn’t necessarily be visible/“hot” otherwise. 2. To make regular time for specific recognition of work that stood out to me, both public and direct, again especially highlighting important work that wouldn’t otherwise get a lot of light. (By now it should be obvious that I tend to work in libraries/infrastructure where good work tends to be mostly invisible.) 3. To try to continuously add visibility where work tended to be more foundational/less visible, so others would be encouraged to add to that recognition. 4. To make sure positive feedback was included wherever general or even critical feedback was warranted. I’m not perfect and never perfected execution on those goals, but it was always an underlying part of how I interacted with my team. It improved my relationship with every team member who I most butted heads with (save one who was reflexively adversarial and invented conflict for even the tiniest work items; some people are just jerks!). And it also made a lot of people just generally more comfortable with their own contributions and better able to see their own value.

rualca 6y ago

> I don’t think people express these things nearly as often as they feel them, and I expect that many of the positive things that do end up communicated have another motive behind them. I have the displeasure of working with a team member who does the exact opposite: at every chance he gets, he expressed his displeasure regarding other team members to management. Once I confronted him about that behavior and he stated that those who fix problems get promoted while those who create them get passed over, and he believed that by pointing other people's flaws he would improve his chances of moving upward. I firmly believe that's the main reason most people don't praise anyone else. If they do, they are calling out their competitor's positive contributions, while no one reciprocates in kind.

NicoJuicy 6y ago
I can confirm that some people think like this ( not me). I delegated some areas during a big event and I took one of those persons asside because he was too rude. He said that he pointed out mistakes ( which was correct, but they were new) and that they would remember it better if he was this direct. I just mentioned that he should not be this rude and just explain them what they did wrong and he adjusted. It was literally his mindset ( he adjusted that evening, not his mindset)
- deleted 6y ago
  [deleted]
dietr1ch 6y ago
Bad things and behaviours should be called out in order to actively fix them instead of just waiting on that they are magically fixed. But this must be done in a constructive way. Pointing that something is wrong won't fix it, and if in the meantime you manage to ruin relationships within your team you have actively made things worse just to pretend being a good leader, but just proving you are an awful person to work with (and at this point you might still be wrong about your claim on what's wrong).
- 6gvONxR4sf7o 6y ago
  Even if you don't accidentally ruin relationships, you might ruin the good behavior alongside the bad. I'm a big fan of a feedback system I've heard called "stop start continue." Stopping these bad behaviors, and starting these good behaviors are in the same vein of fixing bad things. But continuing these existing good behaviors is really important too. If you tell people what not to change, then they won't accidentally change the good stuff in their efforts to fix orthogonal things.
berkes 6y ago
I hear you. But having once worked with team-members who take critique at anything, personally, I feel there is more to this. I always try to praise a person. But I also want to "reserve all rights" to say that a codebase is crap or a choice made in the past was evidently a bad choice. Finding the balance to critique work that a person contributed to, without criticising that person itself, is hard. A true challenge, I found. It becomes even harder if a project is Open Source and you truly feel you have to "warn" people against using a solution in certain cases. It then becomes really hard not to sound like a grumpy old neckbeard or someone with a grudge. I lately decided it is best to just shut up, and let people find out themselves; to let them fail, fall or possibly succeed and prove me wrong instead. I do see the arrogance of that too, though.
- cutemonster 6y ago
  > if a project is Open Source and you truly feel you have to "warn" people against using [it] How did you go about doing that? (How did you warn others about an oss project, ... Maybe one/some project at GitHub?)
  - berkes 6y ago
    I don't do that in public. Maybe when someone somewhere asks why I don't want to include X-lib or Y-dependency, I'll explain why for this case its not a good choice. Generally, I keep this to the consultancy-reports and on-premise discussions though.
    - cutemonster 6y ago
      Thanks for explaining I would have appreciated working with you/people who gave some critical thoughts to third party dependencies. I hope that each time you go to a new employer, you try again and see if they're happy with getting such warnings
      - cutemonster 6y ago
        Edit: now i noticed you've founded your own company
MKinley 6y ago
This is a terrible mindset to have. When I was a manager I took every opportunity to praise my employees (with meaningful compliments and feedback) and discouraged negativity. During a management team meeting I even stood against the others on promoting someone because he was always negative and I pointed out how inefficient his coworkers were around him and that he would only continue that, it didn't matter how good he was himself at the job, he needed to be encouraged to change for the better. After working with him for a while and helping him see how he was hurting others and himself, he changed his mindset, and was later promoted, I continued to coach him even after I left that location. My basic point is this, even those with the wrong mindset can be swayed with the right mindset, as long as it is sincere.
6gvONxR4sf7o 6y ago
I've had peers like that too. I'm sad at the proliferation of zero-sum thinking. It's like a prisoner's dilemma. The equilibrium state is competition, but collaboration gets us all ahead in a non-zero-sum way. Or, if you really do see it all as zero sum, there's still an analytical way out. Just take the long view. Collaboration will get our group ahead of the group who competes for the smallest things. Hyperbolically, we'd all rather be a low level IC at early my-shares-will-be-worth-infinity Google than be a VP at an imploding firm. The pro-social way out of the prisoner's dilemma's shitty equilibrium requires deliberate effort to foster the sort of personal trust and collaboration-by-default attitude that makes the 8+ work hours of every weekday of most of our lives not suck. And it makes people feel good, which is personally enough for me (while recognizing the privilege that lets me say I have enough).
whack 6y ago
This reflects just as badly on the org's leadership, as it does on the individual. Managers and other leaders need to give people a talking to, when they engage in toxic behavior. And they need to set a good example by promoting people who are good teammates. Do this consistently, and people will change their behavior for the better.
r00fus 6y ago
It’s possible this individual has a personal experience or upbringing where reciprocal behaviors were not respected. It’s possible he’s correct in certain workplaces. I’d hate to work with such an individual; I’d avoid them like the plague. To me “good culture” is the de-emphasis of these kinds of mindsets (and emphasis of the opposite). To the point where it’s justification for hire/fire.
J5892 6y ago
He's doing you a favor. Now you know that if he gets promoted faster than you or your co-workers, it's probably time to find a better company (or a better team, if that's an option).
confidantlake 6y ago
I wonder if the review system is stack ranked?

kostarelo 6y ago

On every retrospective session we do, every other week, there is an additional column called “stars” or “heros” and we add a note each there giving praises to someone else for something they did those two weeks. We then read them all out followed by a round of applause for each one of them. It brings great positivity to the team.

yiyus 6y ago
> We then read them all out followed by a round of applause for each one of them That may be good for team building and make some people feel better but, personally, I would find that situation very uncomfortable.
- c_s_guy 6y ago
  I imagine it might also cause adverse effects if someone happens to be missed.
  - ImaCake 6y ago
    I have personally experienced this. My otherwise really good manager had a monthly vote for the best worker in our small team where each vote was publicly announced. I, and another coworker, never got a vote while others got several. Really great way to make some of your workers feel really left out!
    - symlinkk 6y ago
      If they handed out the award to everyone it would be meaningless
      - deleted 6y ago
        [deleted]
      - eyelidlessness 6y ago
        On the contrary: If you have a team member who no one sees fit to find praise for, it’s probably a bad fit. Praise doesn’t need to be superlative to be sincere. Not everyone has to be a “rockstar” to deserve positive validation.

nmlpx 6y ago

In theory that is great. I stopped praising colleagues after I found out that several people behaved as if they owned me afterwards. Also, I had a manager who would move everyone I praised off the team. He was paranoid about cliques.

6gvONxR4sf7o 6y ago
You might need to adjust how you're praising people. A simple earnest slack DM of "thanks for the hand with that thing! i really appreciate you taking the time to do that" will still make people feel great.
corobo 6y ago
You don't need to stop complementing, you need to work someplace else That sounds awful

nicbou 6y ago

To an extent. As I become more generous with my compliments, I find that even a genuine compliment might be too much sometimes. That being said, I never miss a chance to praise people's work. As long as you don't make a big scene out of it, it's always appreciated.

briandear 6y ago
Completely agree. I prefer private praise both as a recipient and as a giver. Often I’ll send a quick note to the person’s manager as well. Occasionally, if it’s really spectacular work, I’ll cc our org’s upper management as well.
deleted 6y ago
[deleted]

vendiddy 6y ago

Great idea. People can usually sense when a compliment is genuine or forced. So sharing your positive thoughts ensures that most things you say are genuine. I realized that I am biased toward communicating things like feedback or suggestions. Yet I do have many positive thoughts about others that I keep to myself. I don't know why I do this.

Xavdidtheshadow 6y ago

We've got a `gratitude` channel in Slack for this exact thing! Its only purpose is to call out great work and nice gestures coworkers have done. Provides a nice little pick-me-up throughout the week.

Intermernet 6y ago

Personal thanks are just as important as monetary compensation. You build your surroundings and support your life with money, but you build your self esteem and support your motivation with gratitude.

needsmust 6y ago
Having self esteem dependent on others seems like a risky strategy.
- Intermernet 6y ago
  Most people's self esteem is dependent on others. That's the pay-off for being a social animal. If you're highly self confident without any feedback from other people, chances are you're mistaken. Not guaranteed, but highly likely.

rsync 6y ago

"I’ve learned that when I have a positive thought about someone, it’s generally worth communicating it." I've started to do this on a regular, almost daily basis. If I come across something that sparks joy or interest - usually something I find here, on HN - I reach out to the author and let them know with a personal email. I also sometimes offer a free-forever-no-strings-attached rsync.net account on the off chance that they would find that useful. In reality, the Venn diagram of "people who write things that spark joy to the founder of rsync.net" and "people who aren't already self-hosting their own solution " is small. But once in a while it really makes someones day ...

plibither8 6y ago
I've been using rsync for months now to backup my files onto Google Drive, but that's hardly ideal. Ideally, I'd want to self-host or use a storage service other than Google Drive, but as a student I've got barely any money to spend on subscriptions.
- RealStickman_ 6y ago
  If you don't regularly download these files, Backlaze B2 seems to be the cheapest way to store backups.

eyelidlessness 6y ago

In my last job (currently unemployed) I made a conscious effort to: 1. Always publicly thank contributors for each unit of work I encountered, no matter how mundane, and especially when I recognized the value where it wouldn’t necessarily be visible/“hot” otherwise. 2. To make regular time for specific recognition of work that stood out to me, both public and direct, again especially highlighting important work that wouldn’t otherwise get a lot of light. (By now it should be obvious that I tend to work in libraries/infrastructure where good work tends to be mostly invisible.) 3. To try to continuously add visibility where work tended to be more foundational/less visible, so others would be encouraged to add to that recognition. 4. To make sure positive feedback was included wherever general or even critical feedback was warranted. I’m not perfect and never perfected execution on those goals, but it was always an underlying part of how I interacted with my team. It improved my relationship with every team member who I most butted heads with (save one who was reflexively adversarial and invented conflict for even the tiniest work items; some people are just jerks!). And it also made a lot of people just generally more comfortable with their own contributions and better able to see their own value.