6 ms·

> After a breakup, cease all contact as soon as practical. The potential for drama is endless, and the potential for a good friendship is negligible. Strange.

> After a breakup, cease all contact as soon as practical. The potential for drama is endless, and the potential for a good friendship is negligible. Strange. It's a bit of a red flag if someone is in complete radio silence with all their exes, frankly. Obviously, you aren't going to enjoy hanging out next week, but I'm surprised you dated enough that there's a "breakup" if you don't enjoy each other enough to have something to salvage.

leetcrew 6y ago
this is a bit of conventional wisdom that I have always questioned. the default expectation that you would spend a few years with someone and then cut them out of your life entirely if things don't work out strikes me as kind of tragic. that person was likely one of your best friends. there are exceptions of course. if the relationship ended because of very different levels of interest, it might take some time before a healthy friendship is possible. if the relationship became codependent or ended due to some sort of betrayal, it's probably best to make a clean break.
crowbahr 6y ago
I don't bear ill will towards my exes and would be totally willing to grab a coffee with any of them. That said: it has always been my experience that cutting off contact is best for me emotionally regardless of if I broke up with them or vice versa.
- elevenoh 6y ago
  Agree. IME, cutting contact particularly useful/beneficial for men in the relationship.
HexagonalKitten 6y ago
I agree about the red-flag part for avoiding all your exes, but I also find it a red-flag when someone says how well they get along with their exes. "If so, why do you have so many, and why aren't you still with any of them?" If you were with someone with serious intent of trying to be a compatible partner, and failed despite your best efforts such that you and your partner agree the best thing is to not be together, then probably your instincts aren't as good as you would want... Maybe you don't fully understand why "being friends" won't be as helpful for either party as desired. It's important to be capable of being friendly with your exes, all the more so the less you actually get along. But it's probably unwise to put this to the test.
- npsimons 6y ago
  Honestly, I'm not in contact with any of my exes. It's not on purpose, we just grew apart and have moved on. If we happen upon a chance meeting, I'm sure we would be friendly with each other, but we're not going out of our way to seek out or avoid each other. I find these black and white rigid "rules" (such as not keeping in touch with any exes as a red flag) to be incredibly judgmental and limiting.
  - HexagonalKitten 6y ago
    The point isn't a guiding rule for you, so it's not limiting on your actions. It's where I see red flags. And yes, but judgement is a good thing.
ball_of_lint 6y ago
It's almost always good to have some period of no contact. It takes time and space to sort out difficult emotions after a breakup. Seeing the object of those emotions impedes that process. Friendship after that is possible, but will undoubtedly be a complex relationship that will take much attention and care to manage. Most of the time one (or several) simpler relationships will be better for all parties. Complete radio silence isn't the requirement, and lack of contact isn't the goal; it's a means.
elevenoh 6y ago
For most personally types, this zero-contact, zero-social-media seems to work best.
npsimons 6y ago
> It's a bit of a red flag if someone is in complete radio silence with all their exes, frankly. Why? > I'm surprised you dated enough that there's a "breakup" if you don't enjoy each other enough to have something to salvage. Some relationships are mistakes; not all of us are prescient enough to know how they will work out. Other times you simply grow apart.
- caturopath 6y ago
  > Why? The same reason why it's a bit of a red flag if someone has no long-time friends or has no job references. Because it hints at relationships going in such a way that the people don't even so much as want to talk ever again after, and the common factor is the person.

leetcrew 6y ago

this is a bit of conventional wisdom that I have always questioned. the default expectation that you would spend a few years with someone and then cut them out of your life entirely if things don't work out strikes me as kind of tragic. that person was likely one of your best friends. there are exceptions of course. if the relationship ended because of very different levels of interest, it might take some time before a healthy friendship is possible. if the relationship became codependent or ended due to some sort of betrayal, it's probably best to make a clean break.

crowbahr 6y ago

I don't bear ill will towards my exes and would be totally willing to grab a coffee with any of them. That said: it has always been my experience that cutting off contact is best for me emotionally regardless of if I broke up with them or vice versa.

elevenoh 6y ago
Agree. IME, cutting contact particularly useful/beneficial for men in the relationship.

HexagonalKitten 6y ago

I agree about the red-flag part for avoiding all your exes, but I also find it a red-flag when someone says how well they get along with their exes. "If so, why do you have so many, and why aren't you still with any of them?" If you were with someone with serious intent of trying to be a compatible partner, and failed despite your best efforts such that you and your partner agree the best thing is to not be together, then probably your instincts aren't as good as you would want... Maybe you don't fully understand why "being friends" won't be as helpful for either party as desired. It's important to be capable of being friendly with your exes, all the more so the less you actually get along. But it's probably unwise to put this to the test.

npsimons 6y ago
Honestly, I'm not in contact with any of my exes. It's not on purpose, we just grew apart and have moved on. If we happen upon a chance meeting, I'm sure we would be friendly with each other, but we're not going out of our way to seek out or avoid each other. I find these black and white rigid "rules" (such as not keeping in touch with any exes as a red flag) to be incredibly judgmental and limiting.
- HexagonalKitten 6y ago
  The point isn't a guiding rule for you, so it's not limiting on your actions. It's where I see red flags. And yes, but judgement is a good thing.

ball_of_lint 6y ago

It's almost always good to have some period of no contact. It takes time and space to sort out difficult emotions after a breakup. Seeing the object of those emotions impedes that process. Friendship after that is possible, but will undoubtedly be a complex relationship that will take much attention and care to manage. Most of the time one (or several) simpler relationships will be better for all parties. Complete radio silence isn't the requirement, and lack of contact isn't the goal; it's a means.

elevenoh 6y ago

For most personally types, this zero-contact, zero-social-media seems to work best.

npsimons 6y ago

> It's a bit of a red flag if someone is in complete radio silence with all their exes, frankly. Why? > I'm surprised you dated enough that there's a "breakup" if you don't enjoy each other enough to have something to salvage. Some relationships are mistakes; not all of us are prescient enough to know how they will work out. Other times you simply grow apart.

caturopath 6y ago
> Why? The same reason why it's a bit of a red flag if someone has no long-time friends or has no job references. Because it hints at relationships going in such a way that the people don't even so much as want to talk ever again after, and the common factor is the person.