This is a very sensitive, pointed topic for me now. I've achieved many of the goals I set myself, but my career has operated at a lower scale than what I can

This is a very sensitive, pointed topic for me now. I've achieved many of the goals I set myself, but my career has operated at a lower scale than what I can confidently describe as successful. I’m an artist & designer. The biggest issue for me is being a parent. Being a parent puts a huge damper on my time, as well as my capacity for immersion and risk. My work necessitates being freelance in a fiercely competitive environment, there are no paid positions in my niche. It’s essential to have continuous periods of total absorption in order to perform at a high level. It is very hard to keep within 40 hours per week. All of this is sharply at odds with my responsibilities as a parent. Yet I feel deeply committed to being a responsible parent. But if that were true, I would've quit already. This inconsistency has created an unresolvable split internally, whereby I fall short at my standards of parenting, yet also at work. Worse, I increasingly hold back at seizing prized opportunities in my career, because I worry about the effect on my family. Such opportunities keep being offered, although fewer every year. I realize I'm in a terminal spin. Yet everyone I know, even the two therapists I've seen, encourage me to commit to chasing this dream, albeit in a responsible way. I’ve tried diluting what do into very commercial service, ie working for advertising agencies. I found decent clients, yet felt like shit about it. The working conditions are only marginally improved, but the output is massively less unrewarding. What I’ve learned: - A drastic change to another field would likely have been better strategy over the long haul, than a middling compromise. - Competition and proximate opportunity keep you trapped in the game. It’s very hard to disengage from a game you feel involved in, either as player or observer. Other people’s ambitions are infectious, and you model their moves. - When chasing a risky dream, the introduction of a dependent hugely decreases appetite for risk. You need to have reached a relatively comfortable position, above the messy middle, in order to keep playing. If I was childless, if it was only my welfare on the line, there is no question as to what I would do. I would chase the dream relentlessly and recklessly. The fact is, it was time to let go of it, years ago. I'm just amazed at my own and society's illusions of romantic perseverance when it comes to following your passions.