4 ms·

for me there is definitely a "grass is greener" effect with friends. I seem to go through an endless cycle of having either too many or too few. I prefer to spe

for me there is definitely a "grass is greener" effect with friends. I seem to go through an endless cycle of having either too many or too few. I prefer to spend most of my day-to-day alone, but I feel very lonely when I don't have enough local friends to reliably find a social event on friday/saturday nights. on the flip side, having too many friends quickly becomes stressful. I don't know how to gracefully handle the situation where I get invited to do more things in a week than I have the social energy for. sometimes it gets to the point where just replying to all the invitations saps most of my social "budget" for that week. I end up doing a lot of stuff that I don't really want to do just to avoid declining someone's invitations over and over. eventually, I semi-intentionally let friendships fizzle out and forgo forging new ones (since I am still in the "excess" mindset). then I am back to square one and the cycle restarts. I think there is a sort of critical mass effect with friends. when I only have one or two, I have to try really hard to make a third. once I hit a certain number of friends with overlapping circles of their own, it's easy to make new friends whenever I want. but then it starts snowballing fast and suddenly I find myself in a deluge of messages and invitations that I don't want. I'd love to be able to hover in that sweet spot, but I don't know how to make that happen.

d33lio 6y ago
I've observed this too. There's certainly a threshold to break out of my own thought / reality bubble. However, I've caught myself exploiting the "positives" of this, in that I still only have so much social energy. Even when events go well, I tend to get worse at managing my social time. However, finding outlets for being social that I actually enjoy and don't find tiresome is a risk worth taking. Generally, I'm glad that at this point I've sort of stopped caring about being "like-able", "cool" or socially "known" in my circles.
pkghost 6y ago
Relatable content! Just get comfortable saying no without explaining yourself. The fact is that your calendar should not have public read-only permissions, which is the way you're behaving when you feel obligated to justify a declination of an invitation. It's possible to say no for no reason at all without being rude or discouraging: "Thanks for the invite — can't tonight. Raincheck?". If you really like the person and want to develop more intimacy, you can be even more transparent, "I'd love to, but I'm over-socialized this week. Gonna chill tonight. Have fun!" The fact is that we LOVE IT when others set and maintain healthy boundaries. It removes ambiguity from the relationship, which makes it easier to feel comfortable in. It also sets an example that the other can follow without fear of alienating you. There's also the side effect of giving people the impression that your presence is precious commodity, and should be valued—which it should be! Being a well-connected introvert can be fun and easy ;P
extremelearning 6y ago
this a hundred times, for me. Thank you for expressing this so well.

d33lio 6y ago

I've observed this too. There's certainly a threshold to break out of my own thought / reality bubble. However, I've caught myself exploiting the "positives" of this, in that I still only have so much social energy. Even when events go well, I tend to get worse at managing my social time. However, finding outlets for being social that I actually enjoy and don't find tiresome is a risk worth taking. Generally, I'm glad that at this point I've sort of stopped caring about being "like-able", "cool" or socially "known" in my circles.

pkghost 6y ago

Relatable content! Just get comfortable saying no without explaining yourself. The fact is that your calendar should not have public read-only permissions, which is the way you're behaving when you feel obligated to justify a declination of an invitation. It's possible to say no for no reason at all without being rude or discouraging: "Thanks for the invite — can't tonight. Raincheck?". If you really like the person and want to develop more intimacy, you can be even more transparent, "I'd love to, but I'm over-socialized this week. Gonna chill tonight. Have fun!" The fact is that we LOVE IT when others set and maintain healthy boundaries. It removes ambiguity from the relationship, which makes it easier to feel comfortable in. It also sets an example that the other can follow without fear of alienating you. There's also the side effect of giving people the impression that your presence is precious commodity, and should be valued—which it should be! Being a well-connected introvert can be fun and easy ;P

extremelearning 6y ago

this a hundred times, for me. Thank you for expressing this so well.