6 ms·

When I was younger I couldn't stand loneliness. I couldn't stand staying in on Friday night. Fear of missing out, even if I didn't even know what was I exactly

When I was younger I couldn't stand loneliness. I couldn't stand staying in on Friday night. Fear of missing out, even if I didn't even know what was I exactly missing out would burn too strong. Now in my 30s I love being alone. I can even go camping by myself in the wilderness alone, or hit a bar (pre-covid of course) by myself and not only be happy that way, but prefer it too. Sometimes I would go out by myself a few hours beforehand before meeting up with friends, to get that "I am doing things alone" fix. I am not sure what changed and I became this way. I didn't work towards it or strive for it, I just grew older I guess. So I came up with a theory. Not even a theory, more like an opinion... That when we are younger we rely on society to survive. Without a support cycle, the elements will overtake us, and our animalistic instincts light up. Our identity is tied to our social circle. But as we get more confident and more comfortable with who we are, that deep fear of loneliness decreases. I am more alone now but less lonely.

titanomachy 6y ago
I camp in the wilderness with friends pretty often and thought it would be fun to try doing it alone once. I didn't sleep at all, I kept imagining terrible things in the night coming to get me. Maybe I'll try again in my thirties.
- mpaal 6y ago
  In 2019 I went on a solo biketour and it involved a lot of nigths in a tent. While campgrounds were rather cosy as just the knowledge that others are there brought me comfort, some wildcamping spots were much more unsettling. For me it was a fear of the wilderness and just hearing some noises in the middle of the night was... tense. Such nights were usually on high alert and quite restless. 10/10 will do it again ;)
- munificent 6y ago
  A few months ago, I took an overnight trip out to the woods by myself. I slept in the bed of my truck on an abandoned forestry road somewhat deep into a state forest. I went with no pre-planned destination so I just turned onto unpaved forestry roads randomly until I eventually got to a quiet dead end that petered out. My wife knew the state forest I was in, but no one on Earth had a more precise location for me than that. It was a little nervewracking and spooky even though in truth I was only about a twenty minute drive from the edge of the park and civilization. To know that if I slipped and broke a leg or something I'd be screwed for a couple of days until a crew could find me. But I experienced it as a good kind of anxiety. I deliberately wanted to get outside of my comfort zone and spend a little time getting comfortable with being uncomfortable. It was an absolutely rewarding experience and one of the highlights of 2020 for me. I woke up the next morning refreshed, centered, and excited to return home to my family. A quote I think about a lot is J. A. Shedd's, "A ship in harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are built for."
  - octoberfranklin 6y ago
    I do this a lot. Get an EPIRB.
    - _rs 6y ago
      Any you might recommend?
      - octoberfranklin 6y ago
        I have the ACR ResQLink 400. Can't exactly "recommend" since I haven't used mine (they're single use only), but I researched this a bit before buying. Just make sure you get one that uses 406Mhz rather than two-way LEO satellites. The two-way stuff requires monthly payments and is far less reliable, won't get through forest canopy. The 406Mhz SARSAT beacons are single use only one-way transmitters (they receive GPS, not 406Mhz-SARSAT, although they still work without a GPS signal). Anything that advertises using it to send SMS messages is junk for emergency use. There's an older, lower-frequency SARSAT band somewhere in the 150mhz-ish range, but it gets so many false positives (like some ATM in Kansas) that it's basically retired. The 406Mhz protocol has a lot more checksums in it. Edit: you want this: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/International_Cospas-Sarsat_Programme https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/International_Cospas-Sarsat_...
        _rs 6y ago
        From some reading I've done, it seems the type of device I'd want is a PLB and not a EPIRB (which you register to a vessel?) It also says PLBs you'd register to yourself and have to update every 2 years - but some articles I've seen say you can use them more than once. (source: https://www.rei.com/learn/expert-advice/personal-locator-beacons.html https://www.rei.com/learn/expert-advice/personal-locator-bea...) How much of this is accurate? Also, seeing on https://www.acrartex.com/products/resqlink-400 https://www.acrartex.com/products/resqlink-400 it says "Battery Replacement: After 5 years or after emergency use, whichever is first"
        6y ago
- oAlbe 6y ago
  I wonder if those type of fears are something we grow out of with age, or if something else is going on there. I really don't understand what's behind those types of irrational fears. Some nights I can't even walk from the kitchen to the bathroom without turning the light on in the corridor. I know there's nothing behind the corner, just like I'm sure you knew there were no "terrible things in the night coming to get you", yet I must turn on the light When I was a kid, I used to think that adults are not afraid of the dark because they are adults. I'm almost 30 now, and I often wonder if I never really became an adult that's never afraid of the dark.
  - titanomachy 6y ago
    I bet if I did a few days in the wilderness my need for sleep would overcome the perceived need for vigilance, and I'd probably start sleeping better. I think there's some kind of psychological/physiological feedback loop that goes on in those moments at night where you feel compelled to run to the door or switch the lights on or whatever. Sometimes rationality just doesn't help.
  - hombre_fatal 6y ago
    I think fear of the dark isn’t so much childish but rather an antagonistic imagination that triggers your own flight response kind of like a panic attack’s negative feedback loop divorced from any idea that you were in danger. I have a fear of the dark, for lack of a better term. I can put myself in the shoes of characters in horror movies and feel their fear. Meanwhile my girlfriend is incapable of it. Not because I somehow believe in things that go bump in the night (I don’t) and she doesn’t, but rather it’s some sort of mental quirk that she doesn’t experience. I’ve embraced it, though. Whenever I’m doing something like solo camping or running through the woods at night, I like to enumerate terrifying scenarios and then when I get home, jot them into my notes app and sometimes stub them out into short stories that I submit to those scary story youtube channels or r/nosleep. Anyways, I’ve thought a lot about why I would have this fear reflex while others don’t. Doesn’t seem to be much explanation. I’m in my thirties. Embrace the thrill.
- dnr 6y ago
  Solo backpacking (i.e. in the backcountry, not campgrounds) is a very different experience than with friends. The first time I did a longer trip (6 days) solo, I was terrified for the first 24 hours, but then eased into it and ended up having a really good experience. It can be intense, though. Even after the fear passes, other strong emotions might come up. Overall I prefer going with friends but I'm glad I've done some long solo trips too.
  - titanomachy 6y ago
    That sounds like a good experience. I'll have to try it someday.
deleted 6y ago
[deleted]
allenu 6y ago
I'm going to be 43 in a day, and I have definitely noticed less reliance on others for validation or meaning as I grow older. I think it's normal. When you're younger, you're trying to figure out who you are and a big part of it is seeking out new people to learn about the world and yourself. I think you also tend to need others to validate you more. I can definitely tell that when I was younger I would share more about my hobbies or interests with others in the hopes that they would like them too and want to share in them with me, with a little bit of wanting to be complimented on my uniqueness. Now that I'm older, I do that far less.
- abhiminator 6y ago
  Happy birthday in advance. As a 24 y/o who struggled with forming meaningful friendships in my teen years, your comment as someone in their 40s was soothing. I'd like to reach that stage of life where I internalize the fact that other's validation doesn't matter as much as I think it does. I completely and wholly understand -- intellectually -- that other folks opinion and/or attention toward me shouldn't have an impact on my self-esteem and well-being (and just like many others, I've even read whole books on this very topic), but putting it into practice has been a struggle and I find it super hard to fight against the in-built and well-oiled 'validation seeking' neural circuitry up in my head.
- 1-6 6y ago
  There are also other factors at play. I don't necessarily think that age alone has that influence. What about the increased network connectivity we have around us and the plethora of devices which carry that data? We're finding our validation through sites like HN instead of finding a human who shares our interests.
  - 1-6 6y ago
    I find that I can have more specialized 'talks' with strangers over the internet rather than with actual people who I've known for years.
- combatentropy 6y ago
  In your teens and 20s, you care what other people think about you. In your 30s and 40s, you stop caring what other people think about you. In your 50s and 60s, you realize that no one was really thinking about you after all.
alexpetralia 6y ago
To riff on your hypothesis in a totally speculative way, perhaps when we are younger we have "more" to give and take from communities. It would be evolutionarily adaptive for this to be primary focus, then. But as we age, we have less to give and take, and so it is no longer as adaptive. Just like when we are younger, we explore more, but as we age, we exploit more. Alas, I speculate!
- pantelisk 6y ago
  Ha, I love your hypothesis btw! Because I came from the "I am older and know myself better"-angle, and you from the "it's nature's way of telling me I should move towards the sidelines, making way for new" (paraphrasing of course, no offense). It's a humbling concept. So pretty interesting to think about. Maybe there is a bit of both!
Florin_Andrei 6y ago
Yeah, most people have a stronger bias to socialize when they're young. I mean, you gotta spread those genes somehow. As they get older, that drive diminishes, like all things related to gene spreading.
WildGreenLeave 6y ago
I am in my mid 20's and I am experiencing what you describe as the fear of missing out. I will do whatever I can to hang out with friends to have fun and enjoy my time, even if that means when some people think it isn't worth it. (either money wise or time wise) You saying this gives me some kind of weird feeling of knowing that it will probably get less in the future. I don't mind the feeling now and it keeps my on my feet and makes me do things, but I don't think I'd want to keep this feeling when I'm approaching the 40s.
agumonkey 6y ago
I think youth is way more influenced by fear than necessary. Age just give you enough data to know that there was nothing there worth much. I even believe that midlife crisis is a 2nd phase of the same issue. You run after the job market trusting the laws, seeking success.. and after 20 years of seeing what a mess it is you just can't avoid jolting back to your natural needs.

titanomachy 6y ago

I camp in the wilderness with friends pretty often and thought it would be fun to try doing it alone once. I didn't sleep at all, I kept imagining terrible things in the night coming to get me. Maybe I'll try again in my thirties.

mpaal 6y ago
In 2019 I went on a solo biketour and it involved a lot of nigths in a tent. While campgrounds were rather cosy as just the knowledge that others are there brought me comfort, some wildcamping spots were much more unsettling. For me it was a fear of the wilderness and just hearing some noises in the middle of the night was... tense. Such nights were usually on high alert and quite restless. 10/10 will do it again ;)
munificent 6y ago
A few months ago, I took an overnight trip out to the woods by myself. I slept in the bed of my truck on an abandoned forestry road somewhat deep into a state forest. I went with no pre-planned destination so I just turned onto unpaved forestry roads randomly until I eventually got to a quiet dead end that petered out. My wife knew the state forest I was in, but no one on Earth had a more precise location for me than that. It was a little nervewracking and spooky even though in truth I was only about a twenty minute drive from the edge of the park and civilization. To know that if I slipped and broke a leg or something I'd be screwed for a couple of days until a crew could find me. But I experienced it as a good kind of anxiety. I deliberately wanted to get outside of my comfort zone and spend a little time getting comfortable with being uncomfortable. It was an absolutely rewarding experience and one of the highlights of 2020 for me. I woke up the next morning refreshed, centered, and excited to return home to my family. A quote I think about a lot is J. A. Shedd's, "A ship in harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are built for."
- octoberfranklin 6y ago
  I do this a lot. Get an EPIRB.
  - _rs 6y ago
    Any you might recommend?
    - octoberfranklin 6y ago
      I have the ACR ResQLink 400. Can't exactly "recommend" since I haven't used mine (they're single use only), but I researched this a bit before buying. Just make sure you get one that uses 406Mhz rather than two-way LEO satellites. The two-way stuff requires monthly payments and is far less reliable, won't get through forest canopy. The 406Mhz SARSAT beacons are single use only one-way transmitters (they receive GPS, not 406Mhz-SARSAT, although they still work without a GPS signal). Anything that advertises using it to send SMS messages is junk for emergency use. There's an older, lower-frequency SARSAT band somewhere in the 150mhz-ish range, but it gets so many false positives (like some ATM in Kansas) that it's basically retired. The 406Mhz protocol has a lot more checksums in it. Edit: you want this: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/International_Cospas-Sarsat_Programme https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/International_Cospas-Sarsat_...
      - _rs 6y ago
        From some reading I've done, it seems the type of device I'd want is a PLB and not a EPIRB (which you register to a vessel?) It also says PLBs you'd register to yourself and have to update every 2 years - but some articles I've seen say you can use them more than once. (source: https://www.rei.com/learn/expert-advice/personal-locator-beacons.html https://www.rei.com/learn/expert-advice/personal-locator-bea...) How much of this is accurate? Also, seeing on https://www.acrartex.com/products/resqlink-400 https://www.acrartex.com/products/resqlink-400 it says "Battery Replacement: After 5 years or after emergency use, whichever is first"
        6y ago
oAlbe 6y ago
I wonder if those type of fears are something we grow out of with age, or if something else is going on there. I really don't understand what's behind those types of irrational fears. Some nights I can't even walk from the kitchen to the bathroom without turning the light on in the corridor. I know there's nothing behind the corner, just like I'm sure you knew there were no "terrible things in the night coming to get you", yet I must turn on the light When I was a kid, I used to think that adults are not afraid of the dark because they are adults. I'm almost 30 now, and I often wonder if I never really became an adult that's never afraid of the dark.
- titanomachy 6y ago
  I bet if I did a few days in the wilderness my need for sleep would overcome the perceived need for vigilance, and I'd probably start sleeping better. I think there's some kind of psychological/physiological feedback loop that goes on in those moments at night where you feel compelled to run to the door or switch the lights on or whatever. Sometimes rationality just doesn't help.
- hombre_fatal 6y ago
  I think fear of the dark isn’t so much childish but rather an antagonistic imagination that triggers your own flight response kind of like a panic attack’s negative feedback loop divorced from any idea that you were in danger. I have a fear of the dark, for lack of a better term. I can put myself in the shoes of characters in horror movies and feel their fear. Meanwhile my girlfriend is incapable of it. Not because I somehow believe in things that go bump in the night (I don’t) and she doesn’t, but rather it’s some sort of mental quirk that she doesn’t experience. I’ve embraced it, though. Whenever I’m doing something like solo camping or running through the woods at night, I like to enumerate terrifying scenarios and then when I get home, jot them into my notes app and sometimes stub them out into short stories that I submit to those scary story youtube channels or r/nosleep. Anyways, I’ve thought a lot about why I would have this fear reflex while others don’t. Doesn’t seem to be much explanation. I’m in my thirties. Embrace the thrill.
dnr 6y ago
Solo backpacking (i.e. in the backcountry, not campgrounds) is a very different experience than with friends. The first time I did a longer trip (6 days) solo, I was terrified for the first 24 hours, but then eased into it and ended up having a really good experience. It can be intense, though. Even after the fear passes, other strong emotions might come up. Overall I prefer going with friends but I'm glad I've done some long solo trips too.
- titanomachy 6y ago
  That sounds like a good experience. I'll have to try it someday.

deleted 6y ago

[deleted]

allenu 6y ago

I'm going to be 43 in a day, and I have definitely noticed less reliance on others for validation or meaning as I grow older. I think it's normal. When you're younger, you're trying to figure out who you are and a big part of it is seeking out new people to learn about the world and yourself. I think you also tend to need others to validate you more. I can definitely tell that when I was younger I would share more about my hobbies or interests with others in the hopes that they would like them too and want to share in them with me, with a little bit of wanting to be complimented on my uniqueness. Now that I'm older, I do that far less.

abhiminator 6y ago
Happy birthday in advance. As a 24 y/o who struggled with forming meaningful friendships in my teen years, your comment as someone in their 40s was soothing. I'd like to reach that stage of life where I internalize the fact that other's validation doesn't matter as much as I think it does. I completely and wholly understand -- intellectually -- that other folks opinion and/or attention toward me shouldn't have an impact on my self-esteem and well-being (and just like many others, I've even read whole books on this very topic), but putting it into practice has been a struggle and I find it super hard to fight against the in-built and well-oiled 'validation seeking' neural circuitry up in my head.
1-6 6y ago
There are also other factors at play. I don't necessarily think that age alone has that influence. What about the increased network connectivity we have around us and the plethora of devices which carry that data? We're finding our validation through sites like HN instead of finding a human who shares our interests.
- 1-6 6y ago
  I find that I can have more specialized 'talks' with strangers over the internet rather than with actual people who I've known for years.
combatentropy 6y ago
In your teens and 20s, you care what other people think about you. In your 30s and 40s, you stop caring what other people think about you. In your 50s and 60s, you realize that no one was really thinking about you after all.

alexpetralia 6y ago

To riff on your hypothesis in a totally speculative way, perhaps when we are younger we have "more" to give and take from communities. It would be evolutionarily adaptive for this to be primary focus, then. But as we age, we have less to give and take, and so it is no longer as adaptive. Just like when we are younger, we explore more, but as we age, we exploit more. Alas, I speculate!

pantelisk 6y ago
Ha, I love your hypothesis btw! Because I came from the "I am older and know myself better"-angle, and you from the "it's nature's way of telling me I should move towards the sidelines, making way for new" (paraphrasing of course, no offense). It's a humbling concept. So pretty interesting to think about. Maybe there is a bit of both!

Florin_Andrei 6y ago

Yeah, most people have a stronger bias to socialize when they're young. I mean, you gotta spread those genes somehow. As they get older, that drive diminishes, like all things related to gene spreading.

WildGreenLeave 6y ago

I am in my mid 20's and I am experiencing what you describe as the fear of missing out. I will do whatever I can to hang out with friends to have fun and enjoy my time, even if that means when some people think it isn't worth it. (either money wise or time wise) You saying this gives me some kind of weird feeling of knowing that it will probably get less in the future. I don't mind the feeling now and it keeps my on my feet and makes me do things, but I don't think I'd want to keep this feeling when I'm approaching the 40s.

agumonkey 6y ago

I think youth is way more influenced by fear than necessary. Age just give you enough data to know that there was nothing there worth much. I even believe that midlife crisis is a 2nd phase of the same issue. You run after the job market trusting the laws, seeking success.. and after 20 years of seeing what a mess it is you just can't avoid jolting back to your natural needs.