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I would argue that NVC emphasizes curiosity because the aim is to understand the feelings and needs (what is alive) in the other person. This requires a deep cu

by kalind 6y ago

I would argue that NVC emphasizes curiosity because the aim is to understand the feelings and needs (what is alive) in the other person. This requires a deep curiosity and being present in the current moment so that one can connect with what is going on in the other person. NVC does not encourage immediately asking questions to increase your intellectual understanding of the situation when someone is hurt/upset and it is not yet clear what that person wants from the interaction. For example, take the author's example sentence: "I’m furious with my husband. He’s never around when I need him.". I would say that it's pretty clear that the person is feeling furious because their need for support isn't being met. What is less clear is what the person wants from me right now. My guess would be that the person wants empathy and understanding of their pain, but it may also be that they want some advice on how to solve the problem they're having with their husband. Now this is where NVC says it's better to err on the side of the other person wanting empathy by guessing their feelings and needs (and this doesn't have to be done in the "classical" NVC way or even verbally at all depending on the situation). And if it turns out they actually wanted advice then of course it's fine to start asking questions to get a better intellectual understanding of the situation, but jumping immediately to "fixing" mode when the other person hasn't yet received sufficient empathy can be very hurtful.

BeetleB 6y ago
Oh, I didn't mean to imply that NVC doesn't want you to be curious. Just that the book focuses on getting you practice curiosity without telling you that the point of these questions is to spark curiosity, which leads to empathy. The problem the author had with the example is the response has a little too much mirroring. Your response: > I would say that it's pretty clear that the person is feeling furious because their need for support isn't being met. Is better as it is rephrased, and mentions support.

by kalind 6y ago

BeetleB 6y ago

Oh, I didn't mean to imply that NVC doesn't want you to be curious. Just that the book focuses on getting you practice curiosity without telling you that the point of these questions is to spark curiosity, which leads to empathy. The problem the author had with the example is the response has a little too much mirroring. Your response: > I would say that it's pretty clear that the person is feeling furious because their need for support isn't being met. Is better as it is rephrased, and mentions support.