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My mom always said ”Move far away enough that your parents can’t visit in their slippers, trust me you don’t want that kinda meddling” I moved to USA. “Damn i

by Swizec 6y ago

My mom always said ”Move far away enough that your parents can’t visit in their slippers, trust me you don’t want that kinda meddling” I moved to USA. “Damn it I didn’t mean that far” ~ mom My sister lives with her boyfriend in his mom’s house. There is indeed a ridiculous amount of meddling even though they’re technically separate households.

vollmond 6y ago
This becomes even more likely with internet communities, etc. I met my wife online, and our hometowns are 1200 miles apart. It's impossible to live less than an 8 hour drive from both our families. We lived near mine for 4 or 5 years after getting married, now near hers for about 10. It's hard to feel close to both, and have that support network.
- iso947 6y ago
  I’m from NW England. Wife is from Cornwall - 6 hour drive away. We met at uni, 2 hours for her, 4 for me. Then my parents moved to Greece, we moved to London for career and bounced around the south east. Eventually though we settled in Cheshire, and the parents followed - one is a 10 minute walk away, the other is 20 minute drive. It’s amazing what having grandchildren does. Trouble is we’d feel guilty about moving to New Zealand now.
burade 6y ago
It's only meddling if you're way too stressed out by trying to keep up with capitalism. If you live a simple life without too much stress then it's not really meddling.
- Swizec 6y ago
  No it’s definitely meddling when you’re 30+ and your mom waltzes into your kitchen and says “Mmmmm are you sure that knife goes in that drawer? And when’s the last time you did the dishes anyway look at this mess”
  - polka_haunts_us 6y ago
    And then heaven forbid if you have different political views from them, especially in 2020. My mom treats me very weirdly, not because I actually voted for Trump, but because I don't spend my days ranting about how he's Satan incarnate like she does. My sister aligns politically with my mom and she moved to MONGOLIA to get away from her. I'm glad for people who truly like their families, but not all of us won that particular genetic lottery.
    - BurningFrog 6y ago
      Political tribes are taking over the role of family, even within families.
      - natchy 6y ago
        i'd say political tribes are taking over the role of the church or spiritual leaders. Work is taking over the role of the family.
        BurningFrog 6y ago
        The Blue Tribe is an alternative religion is many ways. The Red Tribe still has Christianity, so they don't need another one.
        smileysteve 6y ago
        Disagree vehemently
        BurningFrog 6y ago
        Which is the typical religious response :)
    - burner831234 6y ago
      I agree with most of this One thing I've learned in my 30s is its not a genetic lottery. There are definitely very irrevocable dynamics but many can be molded with a level of concern, effort and boundary setting that we usually associate with work added with a dash of true sincerity and deep care.
- viridian 6y ago
  What does this have to do with capitalism? Some people just don't want to have to deal with their grandmother criticizing their garden productivity on the daily, or their dad picking the mail up from their mailbox and bringing it to his home.
- astura 6y ago
  What? This makes no sense. Capitalism isn't the problem, lack of boundaries is. My best friend lived upstairs from her parents for years. It was her own apartment but the arrangement was hell on earth. Multiple times a day every day her mom would come barging in (and I do mean barging) to insert herself into whatever was going on in my friend's apartment, make nasty comments, or borrow/take something. Her mom eventually just stopped buying her own stuff because she just would take whatever my friend had if she needed it, plus it gave her more reason to bother my friend more often, which seemed to be her favorite activity in the world. Her mom even stopped driving her own car and just took my friend's whenever she wanted to go somewhere. The constant stress of the situation was so bad for my friend, it legitimately was ruining her health.
  - DamnYuppie 6y ago
    That is almost a form of abuse to be honest. I hope your friend has learned to set boundaries and enforce them. People like her mom are very good at manipulating their children and seeing absolutely nothing wrong with it.
    - felipemnoa 6y ago
      I imagine that the only way to truly set boundaries would be for the daughter to move away.
      - cgriswald 6y ago
        The underlying problem is the lack of boundaries. Moving away does not solve that problem. Only setting and enforcing the boundaries will solve the problem.
        dredmorbius 6y ago
        Boundaries are a function of respect, assertion, community support, physical barriers, and distance. Distance and cutting off contact (restraining order if necessary) are profoundly effective boundaries.
- ch4s3 6y ago
  I have a childhood friend who helps his father run a family business and lives on the corner of the family farm. His wife left him about a year ago, because his mother wouldn't give them a moment alone and was constantly letting herself into their house. These folks had a fairly traditional life and multi-generational family structure, but his mother suffocated their marriage. Had nothing to do with their engagement with markets.
- mwfunk 6y ago
  No it's boundary issues and meddling and it's not remotely OK.
- ekianjo 6y ago
  > It's only meddling if you're way too stressed out by trying to keep up with capitalism. Funny you bring up capitalism where the story is about parent-children relations.
Taylor_OD 6y ago
The further I have moved from Family the more I have started to wish I was closer to them physically. Especially this year when our normal yearly gatherings were disrupted.
- mwfunk 6y ago
  This is a well known phenomenon :) The best way to get closer to family is to move away, absence makes the heart grow fonder. If you want to have positive and constructive and long-lasting relationships with your family, move away from them, even if it's just an hour (whether that means an hour drive or a different time zone depends on the family).
  - Fnoord 6y ago
    Depends. We don't have a network for our (young) children. Because their aunt and grandmother live 1+ hour drive away. Things like that severely limit your freedom. If you can park the children at grandma's easily, or have grandma visit easily, it allows you to even get things done for which otherwise one would need to stay at home, or you'd have to take all children to the appt. Luckily, we got really nice neighbors, but we try to not play that joker card until inevitable. Its not something to rely on on the long term. Family is reliable. If you live near each other, you just need to make proper appointments. Something with scope & boundaries...
  - watwut 6y ago
    Yeah. But it is not real relationship with them. You are not getting to know them nor getting to understand them. It is just feeling good about people who don't show their strugglers and their real themselves to you. Speaking from experience here.
- PEOPLEgetoff 6y ago
  Right. Totally.
FalconSensei 6y ago
> ”Move far away enough that your parents can’t visit in their slippers, trust me you don’t want that kinda meddling” What I always heard was something like: ”Move far away enough that your parents can’t visit in their slippers, but not far enough that they have to packs their bags to visit"
- irrational 6y ago
  My in-laws live 3 hours away and my parents 14 hours away. We have seven kids so it would be useful to have them nearer on occasion, but my wife and I agree that 3 hours is the minimum we want to live away from other family members.
  - dash2 6y ago
    Do they agree, though? And will you want your kids that far away when you are old?
    - irrational 6y ago
      Does who agree? My in laws and parents? They are fine with the distance. I wouldn’t have a problem with my kids living as far or farther away. I have 8 siblings and we are scattered all over the entire country. I’d be fine if my children did the same.

by Swizec 6y ago

vollmond 6y ago

This becomes even more likely with internet communities, etc. I met my wife online, and our hometowns are 1200 miles apart. It's impossible to live less than an 8 hour drive from both our families. We lived near mine for 4 or 5 years after getting married, now near hers for about 10. It's hard to feel close to both, and have that support network.

iso947 6y ago
I’m from NW England. Wife is from Cornwall - 6 hour drive away. We met at uni, 2 hours for her, 4 for me. Then my parents moved to Greece, we moved to London for career and bounced around the south east. Eventually though we settled in Cheshire, and the parents followed - one is a 10 minute walk away, the other is 20 minute drive. It’s amazing what having grandchildren does. Trouble is we’d feel guilty about moving to New Zealand now.

burade 6y ago

It's only meddling if you're way too stressed out by trying to keep up with capitalism. If you live a simple life without too much stress then it's not really meddling.

Swizec 6y ago
No it’s definitely meddling when you’re 30+ and your mom waltzes into your kitchen and says “Mmmmm are you sure that knife goes in that drawer? And when’s the last time you did the dishes anyway look at this mess”
- polka_haunts_us 6y ago
  And then heaven forbid if you have different political views from them, especially in 2020. My mom treats me very weirdly, not because I actually voted for Trump, but because I don't spend my days ranting about how he's Satan incarnate like she does. My sister aligns politically with my mom and she moved to MONGOLIA to get away from her. I'm glad for people who truly like their families, but not all of us won that particular genetic lottery.
  - BurningFrog 6y ago
    Political tribes are taking over the role of family, even within families.
    - natchy 6y ago
      i'd say political tribes are taking over the role of the church or spiritual leaders. Work is taking over the role of the family.
      - BurningFrog 6y ago
        The Blue Tribe is an alternative religion is many ways. The Red Tribe still has Christianity, so they don't need another one.
        smileysteve 6y ago
        Disagree vehemently
        BurningFrog 6y ago
        Which is the typical religious response :)
  - burner831234 6y ago
    I agree with most of this One thing I've learned in my 30s is its not a genetic lottery. There are definitely very irrevocable dynamics but many can be molded with a level of concern, effort and boundary setting that we usually associate with work added with a dash of true sincerity and deep care.
viridian 6y ago
What does this have to do with capitalism? Some people just don't want to have to deal with their grandmother criticizing their garden productivity on the daily, or their dad picking the mail up from their mailbox and bringing it to his home.
astura 6y ago
What? This makes no sense. Capitalism isn't the problem, lack of boundaries is. My best friend lived upstairs from her parents for years. It was her own apartment but the arrangement was hell on earth. Multiple times a day every day her mom would come barging in (and I do mean barging) to insert herself into whatever was going on in my friend's apartment, make nasty comments, or borrow/take something. Her mom eventually just stopped buying her own stuff because she just would take whatever my friend had if she needed it, plus it gave her more reason to bother my friend more often, which seemed to be her favorite activity in the world. Her mom even stopped driving her own car and just took my friend's whenever she wanted to go somewhere. The constant stress of the situation was so bad for my friend, it legitimately was ruining her health.
- DamnYuppie 6y ago
  That is almost a form of abuse to be honest. I hope your friend has learned to set boundaries and enforce them. People like her mom are very good at manipulating their children and seeing absolutely nothing wrong with it.
  - felipemnoa 6y ago
    I imagine that the only way to truly set boundaries would be for the daughter to move away.
    - cgriswald 6y ago
      The underlying problem is the lack of boundaries. Moving away does not solve that problem. Only setting and enforcing the boundaries will solve the problem.
      - dredmorbius 6y ago
        Boundaries are a function of respect, assertion, community support, physical barriers, and distance. Distance and cutting off contact (restraining order if necessary) are profoundly effective boundaries.
ch4s3 6y ago
I have a childhood friend who helps his father run a family business and lives on the corner of the family farm. His wife left him about a year ago, because his mother wouldn't give them a moment alone and was constantly letting herself into their house. These folks had a fairly traditional life and multi-generational family structure, but his mother suffocated their marriage. Had nothing to do with their engagement with markets.
mwfunk 6y ago
No it's boundary issues and meddling and it's not remotely OK.
ekianjo 6y ago
> It's only meddling if you're way too stressed out by trying to keep up with capitalism. Funny you bring up capitalism where the story is about parent-children relations.

Taylor_OD 6y ago

The further I have moved from Family the more I have started to wish I was closer to them physically. Especially this year when our normal yearly gatherings were disrupted.

mwfunk 6y ago
This is a well known phenomenon :) The best way to get closer to family is to move away, absence makes the heart grow fonder. If you want to have positive and constructive and long-lasting relationships with your family, move away from them, even if it's just an hour (whether that means an hour drive or a different time zone depends on the family).
- Fnoord 6y ago
  Depends. We don't have a network for our (young) children. Because their aunt and grandmother live 1+ hour drive away. Things like that severely limit your freedom. If you can park the children at grandma's easily, or have grandma visit easily, it allows you to even get things done for which otherwise one would need to stay at home, or you'd have to take all children to the appt. Luckily, we got really nice neighbors, but we try to not play that joker card until inevitable. Its not something to rely on on the long term. Family is reliable. If you live near each other, you just need to make proper appointments. Something with scope & boundaries...
- watwut 6y ago
  Yeah. But it is not real relationship with them. You are not getting to know them nor getting to understand them. It is just feeling good about people who don't show their strugglers and their real themselves to you. Speaking from experience here.
PEOPLEgetoff 6y ago
Right. Totally.

FalconSensei 6y ago

> ”Move far away enough that your parents can’t visit in their slippers, trust me you don’t want that kinda meddling” What I always heard was something like: ”Move far away enough that your parents can’t visit in their slippers, but not far enough that they have to packs their bags to visit"

irrational 6y ago
My in-laws live 3 hours away and my parents 14 hours away. We have seven kids so it would be useful to have them nearer on occasion, but my wife and I agree that 3 hours is the minimum we want to live away from other family members.
- dash2 6y ago
  Do they agree, though? And will you want your kids that far away when you are old?
  - irrational 6y ago
    Does who agree? My in laws and parents? They are fine with the distance. I wouldn’t have a problem with my kids living as far or farther away. I have 8 siblings and we are scattered all over the entire country. I’d be fine if my children did the same.