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I experienced this first hand when I visited my wife's family in Vietnam. All 10 or so of them live in homes side by side on the outskirts of Saigon. Everyone w

I experienced this first hand when I visited my wife's family in Vietnam. All 10 or so of them live in homes side by side on the outskirts of Saigon. Everyone woke up in the morning and cooked for each other. Every day was like a little party. It was so nice to have that much support around all the time. I have never experienced anything like that in the US. Of course having family literally at your doorstep has its pros and cons but it worked really well for them.

Swizec 6y ago
My mom always said ”Move far away enough that your parents can’t visit in their slippers, trust me you don’t want that kinda meddling” I moved to USA. “Damn it I didn’t mean that far” ~ mom My sister lives with her boyfriend in his mom’s house. There is indeed a ridiculous amount of meddling even though they’re technically separate households.
- vollmond 6y ago
  This becomes even more likely with internet communities, etc. I met my wife online, and our hometowns are 1200 miles apart. It's impossible to live less than an 8 hour drive from both our families. We lived near mine for 4 or 5 years after getting married, now near hers for about 10. It's hard to feel close to both, and have that support network.
  - iso947 6y ago
    I’m from NW England. Wife is from Cornwall - 6 hour drive away. We met at uni, 2 hours for her, 4 for me. Then my parents moved to Greece, we moved to London for career and bounced around the south east. Eventually though we settled in Cheshire, and the parents followed - one is a 10 minute walk away, the other is 20 minute drive. It’s amazing what having grandchildren does. Trouble is we’d feel guilty about moving to New Zealand now.
- burade 6y ago
  It's only meddling if you're way too stressed out by trying to keep up with capitalism. If you live a simple life without too much stress then it's not really meddling.
  - Swizec 6y ago
    No it’s definitely meddling when you’re 30+ and your mom waltzes into your kitchen and says “Mmmmm are you sure that knife goes in that drawer? And when’s the last time you did the dishes anyway look at this mess”
    - polka_haunts_us 6y ago
      And then heaven forbid if you have different political views from them, especially in 2020. My mom treats me very weirdly, not because I actually voted for Trump, but because I don't spend my days ranting about how he's Satan incarnate like she does. My sister aligns politically with my mom and she moved to MONGOLIA to get away from her. I'm glad for people who truly like their families, but not all of us won that particular genetic lottery.
      - BurningFrog 6y ago
        Political tribes are taking over the role of family, even within families.
        natchy 6y ago
        i'd say political tribes are taking over the role of the church or spiritual leaders. Work is taking over the role of the family.
        BurningFrog 6y ago
        The Blue Tribe is an alternative religion is many ways. The Red Tribe still has Christianity, so they don't need another one.
- Taylor_OD 6y ago
  The further I have moved from Family the more I have started to wish I was closer to them physically. Especially this year when our normal yearly gatherings were disrupted.
  - mwfunk 6y ago
    This is a well known phenomenon :) The best way to get closer to family is to move away, absence makes the heart grow fonder. If you want to have positive and constructive and long-lasting relationships with your family, move away from them, even if it's just an hour (whether that means an hour drive or a different time zone depends on the family).
    - Fnoord 6y ago
      Depends. We don't have a network for our (young) children. Because their aunt and grandmother live 1+ hour drive away. Things like that severely limit your freedom. If you can park the children at grandma's easily, or have grandma visit easily, it allows you to even get things done for which otherwise one would need to stay at home, or you'd have to take all children to the appt. Luckily, we got really nice neighbors, but we try to not play that joker card until inevitable. Its not something to rely on on the long term. Family is reliable. If you live near each other, you just need to make proper appointments. Something with scope & boundaries...
    - watwut 6y ago
      Yeah. But it is not real relationship with them. You are not getting to know them nor getting to understand them. It is just feeling good about people who don't show their strugglers and their real themselves to you. Speaking from experience here.
  - PEOPLEgetoff 6y ago
    Right. Totally.
- FalconSensei 6y ago
  > ”Move far away enough that your parents can’t visit in their slippers, trust me you don’t want that kinda meddling” What I always heard was something like: ”Move far away enough that your parents can’t visit in their slippers, but not far enough that they have to packs their bags to visit"
  - irrational 6y ago
    My in-laws live 3 hours away and my parents 14 hours away. We have seven kids so it would be useful to have them nearer on occasion, but my wife and I agree that 3 hours is the minimum we want to live away from other family members.
    - dash2 6y ago
      Do they agree, though? And will you want your kids that far away when you are old?
      - irrational 6y ago
        Does who agree? My in laws and parents? They are fine with the distance. I wouldn’t have a problem with my kids living as far or farther away. I have 8 siblings and we are scattered all over the entire country. I’d be fine if my children did the same.
cm2012 6y ago
This model works when you have a nice family. It sucks horribly when the family is a toxic one.
- ChrisMarshallNY 6y ago
  "You can choose your friends, but not your family." Not sure when I first heard that quote.
  - Firehawke 6y ago
    I chose to make my friends my family and to stay well away from most of my blood relatives. There's at least one part of the country I'd need to be careful of not giving out my last name because one blood relative has made it problematic there.
Barrin92 6y ago
I posted this David Brooks piece here before in a similar discussion, addressing both the dire economic consequences in particular for the lower classes and social consequences of the advance of the nuclear family and the replacement of the extended family. I think there's a very good chance that it's the single most damaging cultural change the US has ever gone through. https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2020/03/the-nuclear-family-was-a-mistake/605536/ https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2020/03/the-nuc...
njharman 6y ago
I acknowledge I'm not typical. But, that sounds horrible. And torturous. Constantly smoothened by all these people. Whom I'm expected to be cordial to, regardless of how douchebag they are, because of the accident of being related. Fuck, can't even eat breakfast in peace!
an_opabinia 6y ago
> Everyone woke up in the morning and cooked for each other I am not passing judgement here. The women woke up in the morning and cooked for everyone else. > It was so nice to have that much support around all the time. People have written about this in books that are now almost four decades old. Everywhere women entered the workforce in a highly compensated way, this arrangement came to an end, the number of children went down, etc. Of course on Hacker News, where maybe 9% or less of the commenters are women, there are people fondly writing about these pastorals where the women do all this crappy work. It's completely bonkers. Or it's the men who come from immigrant backgrounds, looking at photo albums of grandmas and grandpas in school, not admitting how rare it was for the average person, in the 50s, to go to college - that your family isn't average, it was rich in all the ways that mattered, even if in some superficial sense it was a destitute or hardscrabble life. It's easy to explain the rise in time spent alone among the oldest Americans. You're really observing a trend in reduced dependence.
- tubularhells 6y ago
  This, all the way.
- crgwbr 6y ago
  It’s only crappy work if you choose to view it that way. I am a man and I have a full time career that I enjoy a lot. But despite that I still find cooking for my family to be far more rewarding than almost any aspect of my job.
  - faeyanpiraat 6y ago
    I think the crappyness comes from having to do it all the time, without choice. My SO cooks like 65% of the time, but it’ nice for her being able to just rely on me when she is overwhelmed, or just doesnt feellike it. I believe everyone should learn to cook to some degree. You can save money and eat more healthy foods that way compared to takeouts / fastfood (which would be the alternative if your SO wont cook and you cant)
  - tripzilch 6y ago
bongoman37 6y ago
I know people who lived like that and I did early in my life too and the politics are intense. Women get a short shrift and if you are in any way unusual you better move out. Someone I know moved countries so that his parents would not just take a bus or train and land up at their doorstep. Families can be toxic, large families more often so. The amount of abuse brushed under the carpet in order to keep the image of a large, happy family in front of outsiders can be staggering. Think of all the stories that come out of FLDS compounds.

Swizec 6y ago

My mom always said ”Move far away enough that your parents can’t visit in their slippers, trust me you don’t want that kinda meddling” I moved to USA. “Damn it I didn’t mean that far” ~ mom My sister lives with her boyfriend in his mom’s house. There is indeed a ridiculous amount of meddling even though they’re technically separate households.

vollmond 6y ago
This becomes even more likely with internet communities, etc. I met my wife online, and our hometowns are 1200 miles apart. It's impossible to live less than an 8 hour drive from both our families. We lived near mine for 4 or 5 years after getting married, now near hers for about 10. It's hard to feel close to both, and have that support network.
- iso947 6y ago
  I’m from NW England. Wife is from Cornwall - 6 hour drive away. We met at uni, 2 hours for her, 4 for me. Then my parents moved to Greece, we moved to London for career and bounced around the south east. Eventually though we settled in Cheshire, and the parents followed - one is a 10 minute walk away, the other is 20 minute drive. It’s amazing what having grandchildren does. Trouble is we’d feel guilty about moving to New Zealand now.
burade 6y ago
It's only meddling if you're way too stressed out by trying to keep up with capitalism. If you live a simple life without too much stress then it's not really meddling.
- Swizec 6y ago
  No it’s definitely meddling when you’re 30+ and your mom waltzes into your kitchen and says “Mmmmm are you sure that knife goes in that drawer? And when’s the last time you did the dishes anyway look at this mess”
  - polka_haunts_us 6y ago
    And then heaven forbid if you have different political views from them, especially in 2020. My mom treats me very weirdly, not because I actually voted for Trump, but because I don't spend my days ranting about how he's Satan incarnate like she does. My sister aligns politically with my mom and she moved to MONGOLIA to get away from her. I'm glad for people who truly like their families, but not all of us won that particular genetic lottery.
    - BurningFrog 6y ago
      Political tribes are taking over the role of family, even within families.
      - natchy 6y ago
        i'd say political tribes are taking over the role of the church or spiritual leaders. Work is taking over the role of the family.
        BurningFrog 6y ago
        The Blue Tribe is an alternative religion is many ways. The Red Tribe still has Christianity, so they don't need another one.
Taylor_OD 6y ago
The further I have moved from Family the more I have started to wish I was closer to them physically. Especially this year when our normal yearly gatherings were disrupted.
- mwfunk 6y ago
  This is a well known phenomenon :) The best way to get closer to family is to move away, absence makes the heart grow fonder. If you want to have positive and constructive and long-lasting relationships with your family, move away from them, even if it's just an hour (whether that means an hour drive or a different time zone depends on the family).
  - Fnoord 6y ago
    Depends. We don't have a network for our (young) children. Because their aunt and grandmother live 1+ hour drive away. Things like that severely limit your freedom. If you can park the children at grandma's easily, or have grandma visit easily, it allows you to even get things done for which otherwise one would need to stay at home, or you'd have to take all children to the appt. Luckily, we got really nice neighbors, but we try to not play that joker card until inevitable. Its not something to rely on on the long term. Family is reliable. If you live near each other, you just need to make proper appointments. Something with scope & boundaries...
  - watwut 6y ago
    Yeah. But it is not real relationship with them. You are not getting to know them nor getting to understand them. It is just feeling good about people who don't show their strugglers and their real themselves to you. Speaking from experience here.
- PEOPLEgetoff 6y ago
  Right. Totally.
FalconSensei 6y ago
> ”Move far away enough that your parents can’t visit in their slippers, trust me you don’t want that kinda meddling” What I always heard was something like: ”Move far away enough that your parents can’t visit in their slippers, but not far enough that they have to packs their bags to visit"
- irrational 6y ago
  My in-laws live 3 hours away and my parents 14 hours away. We have seven kids so it would be useful to have them nearer on occasion, but my wife and I agree that 3 hours is the minimum we want to live away from other family members.
  - dash2 6y ago
    Do they agree, though? And will you want your kids that far away when you are old?
    - irrational 6y ago
      Does who agree? My in laws and parents? They are fine with the distance. I wouldn’t have a problem with my kids living as far or farther away. I have 8 siblings and we are scattered all over the entire country. I’d be fine if my children did the same.

cm2012 6y ago

This model works when you have a nice family. It sucks horribly when the family is a toxic one.

ChrisMarshallNY 6y ago
"You can choose your friends, but not your family." Not sure when I first heard that quote.
- Firehawke 6y ago
  I chose to make my friends my family and to stay well away from most of my blood relatives. There's at least one part of the country I'd need to be careful of not giving out my last name because one blood relative has made it problematic there.

Barrin92 6y ago

I posted this David Brooks piece here before in a similar discussion, addressing both the dire economic consequences in particular for the lower classes and social consequences of the advance of the nuclear family and the replacement of the extended family. I think there's a very good chance that it's the single most damaging cultural change the US has ever gone through. https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2020/03/the-nuclear-family-was-a-mistake/605536/ https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2020/03/the-nuc...

njharman 6y ago

I acknowledge I'm not typical. But, that sounds horrible. And torturous. Constantly smoothened by all these people. Whom I'm expected to be cordial to, regardless of how douchebag they are, because of the accident of being related. Fuck, can't even eat breakfast in peace!

an_opabinia 6y ago

> Everyone woke up in the morning and cooked for each other I am not passing judgement here. The women woke up in the morning and cooked for everyone else. > It was so nice to have that much support around all the time. People have written about this in books that are now almost four decades old. Everywhere women entered the workforce in a highly compensated way, this arrangement came to an end, the number of children went down, etc. Of course on Hacker News, where maybe 9% or less of the commenters are women, there are people fondly writing about these pastorals where the women do all this crappy work. It's completely bonkers. Or it's the men who come from immigrant backgrounds, looking at photo albums of grandmas and grandpas in school, not admitting how rare it was for the average person, in the 50s, to go to college - that your family isn't average, it was rich in all the ways that mattered, even if in some superficial sense it was a destitute or hardscrabble life. It's easy to explain the rise in time spent alone among the oldest Americans. You're really observing a trend in reduced dependence.

tubularhells 6y ago
This, all the way.
crgwbr 6y ago
It’s only crappy work if you choose to view it that way. I am a man and I have a full time career that I enjoy a lot. But despite that I still find cooking for my family to be far more rewarding than almost any aspect of my job.
- faeyanpiraat 6y ago
  I think the crappyness comes from having to do it all the time, without choice. My SO cooks like 65% of the time, but it’ nice for her being able to just rely on me when she is overwhelmed, or just doesnt feellike it. I believe everyone should learn to cook to some degree. You can save money and eat more healthy foods that way compared to takeouts / fastfood (which would be the alternative if your SO wont cook and you cant)
- tripzilch 6y ago

bongoman37 6y ago

I know people who lived like that and I did early in my life too and the politics are intense. Women get a short shrift and if you are in any way unusual you better move out. Someone I know moved countries so that his parents would not just take a bus or train and land up at their doorstep. Families can be toxic, large families more often so. The amount of abuse brushed under the carpet in order to keep the image of a large, happy family in front of outsiders can be staggering. Think of all the stories that come out of FLDS compounds.