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I wonder what are the strategies folks can adopt to see that they don't become victims of loneliness.

by asdfasgasdgasdg 6y ago

read_if_gay_ 6y ago
I think it’s just a matter of being proactive with your social life. Take and create opportunities to meet people.
Xophmeister 6y ago
Finding comfort in solitude... Don't ask me how -- I haven't figured it out yet -- but I understand it's a thing.
baron_harkonnen 6y ago
Somewhat ironically, I think the important thing here is to learn to be more comfortable spending time alone. The pandemic has surprised me with both how much people are unable to just be alone for awhile, and related to this, how much they have a difficult time being with partners and family without larger social distractions. Being able to be alone, at least in my experience, helps you to be with other people in a sincerely intimate way. People that struggle the most with their partners during the pandemic seem to be people who need socialization to distract from their own relationship problems. If two people can be "alone together" in a room for awhile, they can still refresh, and restore their energy. This allows them to be more supportive and close when they need socialization because they aren't exhausted. Loneliness is being forced to deal with your fear of being alone, without every taking the time to be comfortable being alone.
- asdfasgasdgasdg 6y ago
  I don't know if this is the sort of thing most people can use mental jiu jitsu to dodge out of. Social connection is a drive most might not be able to satisfy without actual social connection.
  - baron_harkonnen 6y ago
    I'm not recommending people become recluses, I'm recommending that now, when you have social connections, you practice taking time to enjoy being alone, and not just being distracted alone. Take a long walk by yourself, spend sometime reading in a quiet room, mediate if you enjoy it, go for a bike ride by yourself, when social spaces up again, practice going to the bar or to slowly drink a coffee by yourself, get dinner by yourself more often. And to make it clear, my point isn't "be more alone" but rather than "being comfortable being alone helps us maintain social connections better".
  - alextheparrot 6y ago
    > This allows them to be more supportive and close when they need socialization because they aren't exhausted. This part picks out an important detail, which is that if you’re capable of being alone social connection isn’t always load-bearing for your happiness and fulfillment. I don’t think this conflicts with the drive you mentioned, just that being okay without allows you to be more picky of how you are with. It is similar to the difference between cooking whatever when you’re starving and finding richness and depth in being able to develop your craft for higher-order fulfillment. This premise, of course, relies on there being the availability of or willingness to build a larder containing the necessary materials.
    - munificent 6y ago
      > if you’re capable of being alone social connection isn’t always load-bearing for your happiness and fulfillment. I don't disagree with you, but I do think it's worth considering that maybe we are happiest when social connection is load-bearing. A life where no one needs you and you need no one is a life with no stakes at all. When I think back on the experiences in my life that were the most meaningful, that made me feel my life was deeply worth living, it's almost always times where I did something important for someone or someone did something important for me. At the very least, it's times where a meaningful experience was shared with people I care about. There is a trend in the world (and all over this thread) that the ultimate goal of life is invulnerabtily. To subtract everything that could possibly hurt you. I get that. I do that too. But I have learned in the past couple of years how high a cost that carries. If you never expose your soft spots to anyone, you never experience the absolutely profound joy and connection of having someone who sees you, warts and all, and earns your trusts and loves you completely.
Broken_Hippo 6y ago
Loneliness is a feeling, not a state of being alone. It tends to go alongside feelings of not being understood, not having anyone that you can relate to, and feeling ignored: It is also a sign of depression. This is why so many folks will be lonely while surrounded by people, yet not so much when physically alone. I've generally been at my most lonely when my life was unhappy. I went through a short spout of it again after I moved countries, but in all reality, that one was different and I had some knowledge it'd pass (and it was more positive: I chose this, unlike when I was younger). I have hobbies and such, and this should serve me well into my old age, so long as I'm able to do things. I vary myself and try to keep decent mental health. (Oddly, age itself has helped with this: I'm 42 now).
souprock 6y ago
Nothing is certain. It helps to be a likable and outgoing person. It helps to make a huge family.
semicolonandson 6y ago
My personal strategies are - investing in group hobbies that remain doable later in life (e.g. My granny in her 80s can't play piano anymore due to arthritis, but still sings in 3 choirs) - making it a yearly goal to make a new friend every year, so as to fight off attrition

I wonder what are the strategies folks can adopt to see that they don't become victims of loneliness.

read_if_gay_ 6y ago

I think it’s just a matter of being proactive with your social life. Take and create opportunities to meet people.

Xophmeister 6y ago

Finding comfort in solitude... Don't ask me how -- I haven't figured it out yet -- but I understand it's a thing.

baron_harkonnen 6y ago

Somewhat ironically, I think the important thing here is to learn to be more comfortable spending time alone. The pandemic has surprised me with both how much people are unable to just be alone for awhile, and related to this, how much they have a difficult time being with partners and family without larger social distractions. Being able to be alone, at least in my experience, helps you to be with other people in a sincerely intimate way. People that struggle the most with their partners during the pandemic seem to be people who need socialization to distract from their own relationship problems. If two people can be "alone together" in a room for awhile, they can still refresh, and restore their energy. This allows them to be more supportive and close when they need socialization because they aren't exhausted. Loneliness is being forced to deal with your fear of being alone, without every taking the time to be comfortable being alone.

asdfasgasdgasdg 6y ago
I don't know if this is the sort of thing most people can use mental jiu jitsu to dodge out of. Social connection is a drive most might not be able to satisfy without actual social connection.
- baron_harkonnen 6y ago
  I'm not recommending people become recluses, I'm recommending that now, when you have social connections, you practice taking time to enjoy being alone, and not just being distracted alone. Take a long walk by yourself, spend sometime reading in a quiet room, mediate if you enjoy it, go for a bike ride by yourself, when social spaces up again, practice going to the bar or to slowly drink a coffee by yourself, get dinner by yourself more often. And to make it clear, my point isn't "be more alone" but rather than "being comfortable being alone helps us maintain social connections better".
- alextheparrot 6y ago
  > This allows them to be more supportive and close when they need socialization because they aren't exhausted. This part picks out an important detail, which is that if you’re capable of being alone social connection isn’t always load-bearing for your happiness and fulfillment. I don’t think this conflicts with the drive you mentioned, just that being okay without allows you to be more picky of how you are with. It is similar to the difference between cooking whatever when you’re starving and finding richness and depth in being able to develop your craft for higher-order fulfillment. This premise, of course, relies on there being the availability of or willingness to build a larder containing the necessary materials.
  - munificent 6y ago
    > if you’re capable of being alone social connection isn’t always load-bearing for your happiness and fulfillment. I don't disagree with you, but I do think it's worth considering that maybe we are happiest when social connection is load-bearing. A life where no one needs you and you need no one is a life with no stakes at all. When I think back on the experiences in my life that were the most meaningful, that made me feel my life was deeply worth living, it's almost always times where I did something important for someone or someone did something important for me. At the very least, it's times where a meaningful experience was shared with people I care about. There is a trend in the world (and all over this thread) that the ultimate goal of life is invulnerabtily. To subtract everything that could possibly hurt you. I get that. I do that too. But I have learned in the past couple of years how high a cost that carries. If you never expose your soft spots to anyone, you never experience the absolutely profound joy and connection of having someone who sees you, warts and all, and earns your trusts and loves you completely.

Broken_Hippo 6y ago

Loneliness is a feeling, not a state of being alone. It tends to go alongside feelings of not being understood, not having anyone that you can relate to, and feeling ignored: It is also a sign of depression. This is why so many folks will be lonely while surrounded by people, yet not so much when physically alone. I've generally been at my most lonely when my life was unhappy. I went through a short spout of it again after I moved countries, but in all reality, that one was different and I had some knowledge it'd pass (and it was more positive: I chose this, unlike when I was younger). I have hobbies and such, and this should serve me well into my old age, so long as I'm able to do things. I vary myself and try to keep decent mental health. (Oddly, age itself has helped with this: I'm 42 now).

souprock 6y ago

Nothing is certain. It helps to be a likable and outgoing person. It helps to make a huge family.

semicolonandson 6y ago

My personal strategies are - investing in group hobbies that remain doable later in life (e.g. My granny in her 80s can't play piano anymore due to arthritis, but still sings in 3 choirs) - making it a yearly goal to make a new friend every year, so as to fight off attrition