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Passive isn't likable, it's boring and safe.

by Psyonic 15y ago

lsc 15y ago
I understand that's how most people feel. My point is that for those of us who don't fee that way, this truth is hard to spot. I know for me, I always thought that most passive behaviors were respectful, and most aggressive behaviors were not. Don't take up too much space. Don't interrupt people, and if someone is working, stopping to talk to them is interrupting them. Speak at a reasonable volume. Don't assume people want you around. I mean, I now see that this behavior is self-defeating. Most people prefer my loud, expansive self who assumes that you want him around until you make it very clear otherwise to my quiet, small self who assumes that you don't. If I walk by someone who is working without at least an acknowledgement of their existence, most people feel snubbed. I mean, using the word 'asshole' is a value judgement, which probably made the message come off wrong. My point is that 'likable' is a word that means very different things to different people. To this day, I prefer being around people who are less aggressive, even though I've adapted to a world dominated by people like you, who prefer behavior that I find mildly offensive when directed at me.
- Psyonic 15y ago
  I know exactly what you mean. I'm a convert myself, and while it's mostly natural now, I still fall back into passive mode on occasion.
  - lsc 15y ago
    I think it's important to remain grounded in reality. Social bullshit is important, essential even for some jobs. But for other jobs? it really has little to do with actually getting the job done. If you recognize people who are good at their jobs but who are passive in other ways and you treat those people well while others disparage them for being passive, If you can handle the social bullshit for those people and let them do their jobs, those people will feel real loyalty towards you, and not just because they feel good about you; if you can separate the 'do your job' from the 'social bullshit' those who can do the job but can't or won't deal with the social bullshit really will be much more valuable than they would have been on a team where that social bullshit was expected of everyone. If you value aggressive people over passive people in the general case, you are leaving a lot of value on the table.

Passive isn't likable, it's boring and safe.

by Psyonic 15y ago

Passive isn't likable, it's boring and safe.

lsc 15y ago

I understand that's how most people feel. My point is that for those of us who don't fee that way, this truth is hard to spot. I know for me, I always thought that most passive behaviors were respectful, and most aggressive behaviors were not. Don't take up too much space. Don't interrupt people, and if someone is working, stopping to talk to them is interrupting them. Speak at a reasonable volume. Don't assume people want you around. I mean, I now see that this behavior is self-defeating. Most people prefer my loud, expansive self who assumes that you want him around until you make it very clear otherwise to my quiet, small self who assumes that you don't. If I walk by someone who is working without at least an acknowledgement of their existence, most people feel snubbed. I mean, using the word 'asshole' is a value judgement, which probably made the message come off wrong. My point is that 'likable' is a word that means very different things to different people. To this day, I prefer being around people who are less aggressive, even though I've adapted to a world dominated by people like you, who prefer behavior that I find mildly offensive when directed at me.

Psyonic 15y ago
I know exactly what you mean. I'm a convert myself, and while it's mostly natural now, I still fall back into passive mode on occasion.
- lsc 15y ago
  I think it's important to remain grounded in reality. Social bullshit is important, essential even for some jobs. But for other jobs? it really has little to do with actually getting the job done. If you recognize people who are good at their jobs but who are passive in other ways and you treat those people well while others disparage them for being passive, If you can handle the social bullshit for those people and let them do their jobs, those people will feel real loyalty towards you, and not just because they feel good about you; if you can separate the 'do your job' from the 'social bullshit' those who can do the job but can't or won't deal with the social bullshit really will be much more valuable than they would have been on a team where that social bullshit was expected of everyone. If you value aggressive people over passive people in the general case, you are leaving a lot of value on the table.