6 ms·

> upon finding out my situation, make it abundantly clear that they would not date me, despite me not asking. I refer to this as "pre-jection." That sounds awf

> upon finding out my situation, make it abundantly clear that they would not date me, despite me not asking. I refer to this as "pre-jection." That sounds awful. How exactly do they go about this?

at_a_remove 6y ago
Just as an example: one gal asked about my living situation, with regards to roommates. I was forthright about it, gave a little "what can you do?" shrug. I was a little startled as her vocal tone immediately changed to a mocking one as she delivered a "Awww, widdle at_a_remove wivves with his Mooo-mmy!" and then sneered. (Note that this person would describe herself as kind, liberal, thoughtful, and so on) Similarly, if less vituperatively, some simply announce "I could never date a guy who lives with his mother!" immediately after, although I had not offered a date. It is sometimes a struggle to be pleasant in these situations. I sometimes do want to ask if they would like to be abandoned by their children if they were older and fell upon hard times, but I restrain myself.
- fakedang 6y ago
  Egalitarianism fur alles. If they've made it such an impolite comment, then clearly you've both disqualified each other, so you can be snarky about it too.
- toomuchtodo 6y ago
  It's a quality litmus test for partner material. I steered clear of anyone who took issue with me having to provide a material amount of care for a parent (and that parent living with me) before they passed. Someone who belittles you for being a compassionate human being has no place in your present, nor your future (imho). As @stronglikedan says in a comment in this thread, "most people suck." It's a bit broad, but it ain't wrong.
  - at_a_remove 6y ago
    If I were in a stronger position with regards to dating, I could certainly see that. However, I have descended past "beggars can't be choosers" into the benthic depths of "even if I didn't have this working against me ..." Right now it is merely a sad observation from the permanently sidelined.
    - toomuchtodo 6y ago
      I have found relationships in the most unexpected of places and circumstances, and I wish you the same. There are good, decent folks out there waiting to be found.
- pedalpete 6y ago
  I'm wondering if you're missing the opportunity here. You mention your "what can you do?" shrug. From what I understand of your situation, you should be proud of what you're doing. You aren't living with your mother because you can't stand to leave the nest, you are taking care of your aging mother because she can't take care of herself (small assumption on my part). If you were able to succinctly describe this in a way you are proud of, which shows that you are mature, responsible, and caring, I wonder if you'd get a better response. I think the stereotype (as the article somewhat alludes to), is that young adults are living with their parents due to negative circumstances (economic, psychological, etc). It may be ignoring another underlying metric which is that as parents have children later in life, the parents are less able to care for themselves as the child reaches the age when most would be leaving the home.
  - at_a_remove 6y ago
    I of course have tried a variety of ways of phrasing it, as I certainly do not enjoy that sort of reaction. The most positive of responses would be a condescending acknowledgement that it was "sweet," a word I have come to loathe, at least with the intonation with which it is typically spoken as a response. In any case, there is no opportunity; I am not dating material for numerous other reasons and have accepted that.
- hn_user82179 6y ago
  Bizarre. I'd like to think the majority of people don't fall into "baby talk" - that's just incredibly immature. To be honest, they sound like terrible people and probably aren't people that you'd want to date. I'm not sure of your age but I'm sure it'll be less of an issue as you grow older, and the dating pool around you also starts dealing with aging parents, and they understand the difficulties.
- flycaliguy 6y ago
  The "I could never date..." girl could have been an opening to challenge her a bit. If you want to date more you just have to come up with some good zingers to counter their "shit-test".
  - epicureanideal 6y ago
    But do you want to live your life passing tests? At this point, I'd rather be alone the rest of my life than live a fake life passing tests.
    - flycaliguy 6y ago
      Always test your potential mate, big consequences for yourself if they don't pass them.

> upon finding out my situation, make it abundantly clear that they would not date me, despite me not asking. I refer to this as "pre-jection." That sounds awful. How exactly do they go about this?

at_a_remove 6y ago

Just as an example: one gal asked about my living situation, with regards to roommates. I was forthright about it, gave a little "what can you do?" shrug. I was a little startled as her vocal tone immediately changed to a mocking one as she delivered a "Awww, widdle at_a_remove wivves with his Mooo-mmy!" and then sneered. (Note that this person would describe herself as kind, liberal, thoughtful, and so on) Similarly, if less vituperatively, some simply announce "I could never date a guy who lives with his mother!" immediately after, although I had not offered a date. It is sometimes a struggle to be pleasant in these situations. I sometimes do want to ask if they would like to be abandoned by their children if they were older and fell upon hard times, but I restrain myself.

fakedang 6y ago
Egalitarianism fur alles. If they've made it such an impolite comment, then clearly you've both disqualified each other, so you can be snarky about it too.
toomuchtodo 6y ago
It's a quality litmus test for partner material. I steered clear of anyone who took issue with me having to provide a material amount of care for a parent (and that parent living with me) before they passed. Someone who belittles you for being a compassionate human being has no place in your present, nor your future (imho). As @stronglikedan says in a comment in this thread, "most people suck." It's a bit broad, but it ain't wrong.
- at_a_remove 6y ago
  If I were in a stronger position with regards to dating, I could certainly see that. However, I have descended past "beggars can't be choosers" into the benthic depths of "even if I didn't have this working against me ..." Right now it is merely a sad observation from the permanently sidelined.
  - toomuchtodo 6y ago
    I have found relationships in the most unexpected of places and circumstances, and I wish you the same. There are good, decent folks out there waiting to be found.
pedalpete 6y ago
I'm wondering if you're missing the opportunity here. You mention your "what can you do?" shrug. From what I understand of your situation, you should be proud of what you're doing. You aren't living with your mother because you can't stand to leave the nest, you are taking care of your aging mother because she can't take care of herself (small assumption on my part). If you were able to succinctly describe this in a way you are proud of, which shows that you are mature, responsible, and caring, I wonder if you'd get a better response. I think the stereotype (as the article somewhat alludes to), is that young adults are living with their parents due to negative circumstances (economic, psychological, etc). It may be ignoring another underlying metric which is that as parents have children later in life, the parents are less able to care for themselves as the child reaches the age when most would be leaving the home.
- at_a_remove 6y ago
  I of course have tried a variety of ways of phrasing it, as I certainly do not enjoy that sort of reaction. The most positive of responses would be a condescending acknowledgement that it was "sweet," a word I have come to loathe, at least with the intonation with which it is typically spoken as a response. In any case, there is no opportunity; I am not dating material for numerous other reasons and have accepted that.
hn_user82179 6y ago
Bizarre. I'd like to think the majority of people don't fall into "baby talk" - that's just incredibly immature. To be honest, they sound like terrible people and probably aren't people that you'd want to date. I'm not sure of your age but I'm sure it'll be less of an issue as you grow older, and the dating pool around you also starts dealing with aging parents, and they understand the difficulties.
flycaliguy 6y ago
The "I could never date..." girl could have been an opening to challenge her a bit. If you want to date more you just have to come up with some good zingers to counter their "shit-test".
- epicureanideal 6y ago
  But do you want to live your life passing tests? At this point, I'd rather be alone the rest of my life than live a fake life passing tests.
  - flycaliguy 6y ago
    Always test your potential mate, big consequences for yourself if they don't pass them.