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Some of my biggest regrets are doing what I thought was best when I should have done what everyone else was doing. This ranges from from not buying an overprice

Some of my biggest regrets are doing what I thought was best when I should have done what everyone else was doing. This ranges from from not buying an overpriced house 20 years ago, to not partying at college, to following some interesting but unpopular technology. Its not all bad doing things your own way but you have to be careful about straying too much.

ryan-duve 6y ago
When I catch myself with thoughts like these I remind myself of the lesson from https://xkcd.com/584/ https://xkcd.com/584/ One thing that helps is keeping in touch with friends that made such decisions and hearing their regrets today.
whateveracct 6y ago
> I wish in the past I had tried more things 'cause now I know that being in trouble is a fake idea http://achewood.com/?date=01272005 http://achewood.com/?date=01272005
Kranar 6y ago
Fair enough but I did all the things you regret and I am very very happy I did them. Bought a house in 2009 when everyone said it was stupid because of the great recession, avoided partying, drinking or doing any kind of drugs, or "having fun" all throughout high school and university, and instead of using all the newest and greatest popular technologies I made my own libraries. That house is now worth 3 times more today than when I bought it, almost all popular technologies from 10 years ago are dead and unmaintained today whereas the technology I made for myself forms the basis of my software company, and frankly I don't know many people in their 30s who still continue to maintain the same kind of friendship with their party buddies. All this to say that it's irrelevant whether you do things everyone else does or do things no one else does. It's just a very poor way of reasoning about anything in life.
- VoodooJuJu 6y ago
  I think that's exactly what they're saying - that they regret not partying and not buying that nice house.
  - Kranar 6y ago
    Fair enough, my interpretation is that he wishes he did party in college and chose not to because he thought it was best in spite of what everyone else was doing and that he regrets not buying the house simply on the basis that everyone was telling him that he should when he felt that he shouldn't. My response is simply that it's irrelevant what everyone else is doing and to not make decisions on that basis. Sometimes most people do things for good reasons and it's worth knowing those reasons and participating in the same actions. Sometimes most people do things for bad reasons and you should avoid doing them even though it will make you unpopular. Don't decide to buy a house because everyone else is doing it or not doing it, buy a house because it's a sound financial decision based on your own personal life situation. In general, focus on the reasons, not on the popularity.
- ska 6y ago
  > Bought a house in 2009 when everyone said it was stupid I don't know who your "everyone" is, but to do this is extremely conventional financial advice...
  - Kranar 6y ago
    Doing something that most people advise against is by definition unconventional but we can agree to disagree on this matter.
    - ska 6y ago
      The point was that I think the conventional wisdom here is to do exactly what you did, not the other way around.
      - Kranar 6y ago
        Maybe that's conventional wisdom, but I simply disagree then. Just because everyone tells you not to buy a house doesn't mean you should buy one. I didn't buy my house because everyone told me not to, that would be incredibly stupid. In fact I would even go further and say that doing the opposite of what everyone tells you to do for the sake of being contrarian is worse than just going with the flow. You can listen to people's reasons and try to appreciate where they are coming from and you can definitely learn from that, but making a decision on the basis of what everyone else is saying to do, one way or another, is bad advice.
        lilactown 6y ago
        I am 99% sure ska is saying that "lots of people would have suggested to buy a house in 2009." I was not in a position to buy then, but IIRC the market had plummeted the previous year and was at an all-time low; if you were in a position to buy, it was a great time to do it.
        ska 6y ago
        Exactly. So Kranar's scenario I think boils down to "although conventional financial planning says it's a great time to buy a house, I thought through my own situation before doing it". I can't argue with the logic but not sure what it contributes to the OP point.
mettamage 6y ago
IMO trade-offs in a lot of cases. There is rarely a decision that's better, except when you've lived through it once, but that doesn't count, as none of us have do-overs.
Yajirobe 6y ago
whats wrong with not partying in college?
- onemoresoop 6y ago
  Absolutely nothing but some people feel that they missed out and it remains as one of those things forever lingering in their minds. Had they done it they'd probably wished otherwise
  - gauchojs 6y ago
    Most likely, those experiences wouldn't be as remarkable as those who missed it imagine. Still...
powersnail 6y ago
I have the opposite regrets. I have a very persuadable personality, and despite my anxiety in social interactions, I was often pushed into things that everyone was doing, but I wasn't enjoying doing. So much time was spent playing games I don't like, doing sports that weren't my strength. When I reflect on my younger years, I'd probably had been less sullen and depressed if I allowed myself to stay in my apartments, studying, making music, and just not concerning so much about people's invitations. I should've just taken the damn violin classes instead of going to tennis courts; or written my damn novel, instead of going to the party watching people drink alcohol and blow on ping-pong balls. For those who enjoy parties, they were fond memories. For me, they only exacerbated my loneliness. There are two realizations that came to me too late: 1). I don't need to appease to every interests of my immediate circle to maintain friendships; it's in fact somewhat counter-productive. 2). however niche a hobby is, there are probably enough people also doing it to give me enough society, especially in the age of internet. By first asserting to myself my actual passions, and seeking friends based on that, I actually get a broader circle of friends in a more organic way.
- mrandish 6y ago
  I've had similar experiences. I find both your post and the immediate parent valuable because they contrast different ways we can choose to interpret experiences many of us have. I've certainly regretted not doing some kinds of things and then regretted doing very similar types of things. For me, the "best" posture isn't a fixed default but varies depending context and even the phase of life I was in at the time. Over the years, PG has written other useful essays on leveraging better mental models when facing uncertainty, increasing situational awareness in spite of contextual or cultural biases and applying Bayesian reasoning toward more effective life choices. My key takeaway has been that I'm now less likely to beat myself up over past mistaken choices, as long I had... 1. Evaluated the decision with diligence appropriate to the value or risk I perceived. 2. Applied the most appropriate mental model I had. 3. Was not knowingly in conflict with my core values at the time (given my current resources, abilities and maturity). This helps me learn and grow from my major mistakes while reducing unproductive rumination and inappropriate self-blame. Considering alternative possible context and motivations in the absence of information helps me avoid leaping to unjustified conclusions. This has led to being more reflective and understanding when it comes to the mistakes of others. The tangible benefit externally has been improved relationships with family, friends and co-workers. Internally, I seem to accrue negative emotional life baggage at a lower rate than before.
MetalGuru 6y ago
What made you think those decisions were best at the time? Maybe the issue isn’t that you went against the grain, but rather that what you thought was best wasn’t thought through enough?
deleted 6y ago
[deleted]
Animats 6y ago
I know that feeling. It's led me down some dead ends. Proof of correctness, 30 years too early. Ragdoll physics by spring-damper methods, 20 years too early. Mobile robotics, which never took off. Legged robot locomotion, which only works if you can lose a lot of money on it. I once thought Gopher was the future, that spread-spectrum would beat TDMA, that video over the Internet was too inefficient to be useful, and that web design, like book design, would stabilize and become routine.
WhompingWindows 6y ago
You regret not partying at college? My biggest regret from college is binge drinking and staying up too late to basically faff around chasing frivolous pleasure. If I had drank half as much and partied half as much, I'd have gotten much more accomplished.
- acalzycalzy 6y ago
  “I’d have gotten much more accomplished” Not really. You say that now as if your non partying time would have been perfectly spent toward a goal of bettering yourself. In actuality you probably would have just putzed around in your dorm not doing anything that would have impacted your professional life trajectory.
  - belval 6y ago
    Exactly, it's like the common "wow you spent 250 hours on that game, that would be 250 * hourly salary you could've made!". Yes, but actually no. Forcing yourself to be productive usually has diminishing returns after a while.
    - read_if_gay_ 6y ago
      But it depends on the balance you're striking. If all you're doing is playing the game, then that calculation pretty much checks out. Or even just if you're playing the game when you could well be working. You "just" gotta know when you're kidding yourself, and when you're not.
golemiprague 6y ago
Life is a mixed bag of good and bad decisions, it has nothing to do with going against or with the grain. Your alternative story could be that you partied too much in college, not finishing it, buying a house beyond your means and going bankrupt and then succeeding with some obscure technology that suddenly became fashionable and important.
alde 6y ago
I am sure that if you took the other path you would likely regret it just the same. Grass is always greener on the other side.
mmkos 6y ago
This hit so close to home that I had to comment. I can completely relate. I tried to be different and chose a path that ended up wasting 3 years of my life with nothing to show for it (PhD, ended up dropping out). Then I joined a big company to work on a product with massive (legacy) codebase, where I ended up learning relatively little w.r.t end-to-end project development. I feel as if I'd have been miles ahead if I had just done what most of my uni colleagues did instead of trying to somehow skip a step or two.

ryan-duve 6y ago

When I catch myself with thoughts like these I remind myself of the lesson from https://xkcd.com/584/ https://xkcd.com/584/ One thing that helps is keeping in touch with friends that made such decisions and hearing their regrets today.

whateveracct 6y ago

> I wish in the past I had tried more things 'cause now I know that being in trouble is a fake idea http://achewood.com/?date=01272005 http://achewood.com/?date=01272005

Kranar 6y ago

Fair enough but I did all the things you regret and I am very very happy I did them. Bought a house in 2009 when everyone said it was stupid because of the great recession, avoided partying, drinking or doing any kind of drugs, or "having fun" all throughout high school and university, and instead of using all the newest and greatest popular technologies I made my own libraries. That house is now worth 3 times more today than when I bought it, almost all popular technologies from 10 years ago are dead and unmaintained today whereas the technology I made for myself forms the basis of my software company, and frankly I don't know many people in their 30s who still continue to maintain the same kind of friendship with their party buddies. All this to say that it's irrelevant whether you do things everyone else does or do things no one else does. It's just a very poor way of reasoning about anything in life.

VoodooJuJu 6y ago
I think that's exactly what they're saying - that they regret not partying and not buying that nice house.
- Kranar 6y ago
  Fair enough, my interpretation is that he wishes he did party in college and chose not to because he thought it was best in spite of what everyone else was doing and that he regrets not buying the house simply on the basis that everyone was telling him that he should when he felt that he shouldn't. My response is simply that it's irrelevant what everyone else is doing and to not make decisions on that basis. Sometimes most people do things for good reasons and it's worth knowing those reasons and participating in the same actions. Sometimes most people do things for bad reasons and you should avoid doing them even though it will make you unpopular. Don't decide to buy a house because everyone else is doing it or not doing it, buy a house because it's a sound financial decision based on your own personal life situation. In general, focus on the reasons, not on the popularity.
ska 6y ago
> Bought a house in 2009 when everyone said it was stupid I don't know who your "everyone" is, but to do this is extremely conventional financial advice...
- Kranar 6y ago
  Doing something that most people advise against is by definition unconventional but we can agree to disagree on this matter.
  - ska 6y ago
    The point was that I think the conventional wisdom here is to do exactly what you did, not the other way around.
    - Kranar 6y ago
      Maybe that's conventional wisdom, but I simply disagree then. Just because everyone tells you not to buy a house doesn't mean you should buy one. I didn't buy my house because everyone told me not to, that would be incredibly stupid. In fact I would even go further and say that doing the opposite of what everyone tells you to do for the sake of being contrarian is worse than just going with the flow. You can listen to people's reasons and try to appreciate where they are coming from and you can definitely learn from that, but making a decision on the basis of what everyone else is saying to do, one way or another, is bad advice.
      - lilactown 6y ago
        I am 99% sure ska is saying that "lots of people would have suggested to buy a house in 2009." I was not in a position to buy then, but IIRC the market had plummeted the previous year and was at an all-time low; if you were in a position to buy, it was a great time to do it.
        ska 6y ago
        Exactly. So Kranar's scenario I think boils down to "although conventional financial planning says it's a great time to buy a house, I thought through my own situation before doing it". I can't argue with the logic but not sure what it contributes to the OP point.

mettamage 6y ago

IMO trade-offs in a lot of cases. There is rarely a decision that's better, except when you've lived through it once, but that doesn't count, as none of us have do-overs.

Yajirobe 6y ago

whats wrong with not partying in college?

onemoresoop 6y ago
Absolutely nothing but some people feel that they missed out and it remains as one of those things forever lingering in their minds. Had they done it they'd probably wished otherwise
- gauchojs 6y ago
  Most likely, those experiences wouldn't be as remarkable as those who missed it imagine. Still...

powersnail 6y ago

I have the opposite regrets. I have a very persuadable personality, and despite my anxiety in social interactions, I was often pushed into things that everyone was doing, but I wasn't enjoying doing. So much time was spent playing games I don't like, doing sports that weren't my strength. When I reflect on my younger years, I'd probably had been less sullen and depressed if I allowed myself to stay in my apartments, studying, making music, and just not concerning so much about people's invitations. I should've just taken the damn violin classes instead of going to tennis courts; or written my damn novel, instead of going to the party watching people drink alcohol and blow on ping-pong balls. For those who enjoy parties, they were fond memories. For me, they only exacerbated my loneliness. There are two realizations that came to me too late: 1). I don't need to appease to every interests of my immediate circle to maintain friendships; it's in fact somewhat counter-productive. 2). however niche a hobby is, there are probably enough people also doing it to give me enough society, especially in the age of internet. By first asserting to myself my actual passions, and seeking friends based on that, I actually get a broader circle of friends in a more organic way.

mrandish 6y ago
I've had similar experiences. I find both your post and the immediate parent valuable because they contrast different ways we can choose to interpret experiences many of us have. I've certainly regretted not doing some kinds of things and then regretted doing very similar types of things. For me, the "best" posture isn't a fixed default but varies depending context and even the phase of life I was in at the time. Over the years, PG has written other useful essays on leveraging better mental models when facing uncertainty, increasing situational awareness in spite of contextual or cultural biases and applying Bayesian reasoning toward more effective life choices. My key takeaway has been that I'm now less likely to beat myself up over past mistaken choices, as long I had... 1. Evaluated the decision with diligence appropriate to the value or risk I perceived. 2. Applied the most appropriate mental model I had. 3. Was not knowingly in conflict with my core values at the time (given my current resources, abilities and maturity). This helps me learn and grow from my major mistakes while reducing unproductive rumination and inappropriate self-blame. Considering alternative possible context and motivations in the absence of information helps me avoid leaping to unjustified conclusions. This has led to being more reflective and understanding when it comes to the mistakes of others. The tangible benefit externally has been improved relationships with family, friends and co-workers. Internally, I seem to accrue negative emotional life baggage at a lower rate than before.

MetalGuru 6y ago

What made you think those decisions were best at the time? Maybe the issue isn’t that you went against the grain, but rather that what you thought was best wasn’t thought through enough?

deleted 6y ago

[deleted]

Animats 6y ago

I know that feeling. It's led me down some dead ends. Proof of correctness, 30 years too early. Ragdoll physics by spring-damper methods, 20 years too early. Mobile robotics, which never took off. Legged robot locomotion, which only works if you can lose a lot of money on it. I once thought Gopher was the future, that spread-spectrum would beat TDMA, that video over the Internet was too inefficient to be useful, and that web design, like book design, would stabilize and become routine.

WhompingWindows 6y ago

You regret not partying at college? My biggest regret from college is binge drinking and staying up too late to basically faff around chasing frivolous pleasure. If I had drank half as much and partied half as much, I'd have gotten much more accomplished.

acalzycalzy 6y ago
“I’d have gotten much more accomplished” Not really. You say that now as if your non partying time would have been perfectly spent toward a goal of bettering yourself. In actuality you probably would have just putzed around in your dorm not doing anything that would have impacted your professional life trajectory.
- belval 6y ago
  Exactly, it's like the common "wow you spent 250 hours on that game, that would be 250 * hourly salary you could've made!". Yes, but actually no. Forcing yourself to be productive usually has diminishing returns after a while.
  - read_if_gay_ 6y ago
    But it depends on the balance you're striking. If all you're doing is playing the game, then that calculation pretty much checks out. Or even just if you're playing the game when you could well be working. You "just" gotta know when you're kidding yourself, and when you're not.

golemiprague 6y ago

Life is a mixed bag of good and bad decisions, it has nothing to do with going against or with the grain. Your alternative story could be that you partied too much in college, not finishing it, buying a house beyond your means and going bankrupt and then succeeding with some obscure technology that suddenly became fashionable and important.

alde 6y ago

I am sure that if you took the other path you would likely regret it just the same. Grass is always greener on the other side.

mmkos 6y ago

This hit so close to home that I had to comment. I can completely relate. I tried to be different and chose a path that ended up wasting 3 years of my life with nothing to show for it (PhD, ended up dropping out). Then I joined a big company to work on a product with massive (legacy) codebase, where I ended up learning relatively little w.r.t end-to-end project development. I feel as if I'd have been miles ahead if I had just done what most of my uni colleagues did instead of trying to somehow skip a step or two.