I think both versions are kinda lacking in rhythm. Here's my attempt, certainly imperfect too: If you make an effort to omit unnecessary words, your sentences

I think both versions are kinda lacking in rhythm. Here's my attempt, certainly imperfect too: If you make an effort to omit unnecessary words, your sentences will be easy for readers to understand without slowing down. It also reduces the chance that readers will get bored and quit. I used to uncritically accept the idea that concision was the single important thing about writing. The problem is, if you only ever write in short sentences, you'll neglect the skill of writing longer sentences that flow. And if you're writing anything longer than a tweet, you really need that skill! Having a natural mix of long and short sentences leads to a less "stuttery" feeling, and has a kind of hypnotic effect pulling the reader into your text and making them feel at home.