5 ms·

I met my now-wife through online dating, and used online dating over a year. I'll share my experience before my theory. I never used matches. I assume this is

I met my now-wife through online dating, and used online dating over a year. I'll share my experience before my theory. I never used matches. I assume this is some variation on the "like" or "swipe-right" system. Women get bombarded with these. Conversely, women don't a high ratio of high quality messages. I maybe looked at the compatibility score if it's there (e.g. OKCupid), read through the profiles, and if there was enough to grab my interest I'd write a message that at least makes some reference to what's mentioned in their profile. I got a response 8-9/10 times. Personally I think I look average enough and don't have amazing conversation skills, I just put in the work to send thoughtful messages. As to why the match system doesn't work, the sheer amount of noise in online dating (and over-representation of men, I think) is such that these "match" systems amount to glancing through a ton of pictures and picking the best-looking ones. Particularly since profiles are best fairly compact, and don't tell you a ton about a person at the onset. You're a complete stranger to women on these platforms, with 0 trust value to your name, and so actually having a meaningful interaction is a great way to expedite that trust. You won't get there with "hey babe", "nice pic", "nice outfit", "nice smile". I mean, maybe you can if you're one of the fortunate few to cut through the noise and get someone's interest on the strength of your "playboy" looking mug. But most likely, it's a weak approach. EDIT: worth taking a good picture of yourself. Get a second opinion on it.

tdfx 6y ago
> worth taking a good picture of yourself. Get a second opinion on it. Wow, this 1000%. Every time I hear a guy complaining about how bad their online dating experience is I ask to see their pictures. It's almost always cringeworthy what they selected. Another underlying problem is that people who aren't of above average attractiveness don't like having their photo taken. Then they have less pictures to select from and end up settling for some really awful ones. As parent poster stated, please get feedback from multiple people on your photos, particularly people of the gender you're targeting. You will most likely be surprised at their feedback.
- everdrive 6y ago
  >Every time I hear a guy complaining about how bad their online dating experience is I ask to see their pictures. How often are you having these conversations?
  - tdfx 6y ago
    During the pandemic: alarmingly often.
Kalium 6y ago
> I maybe looked at the compatibility score if it's there (e.g. OKCupid), read through the profiles, and if there was enough to grab my interest I'd write a message that at least makes some reference to what's mentioned in their profile. I got a response 8-9/10 times. Personally I think I look average enough and don't have amazing conversation skills, I just put in the work to send thoughtful messages. Dating apps have all converged on being swipe-to-match based. Generally you cannot just try to send a message to start a conversation anymore. The option of sending a thoughtful message to get a conversation started is just gone.
- slothtrop 6y ago
  Without knowing what apps you're talking about, I used OkCupid and PlentyOfFish. It's only been 3 years, I'm sure they still allow direct messaging
  - Kalium 6y ago
    OKCupid moved to being swipe-based several years ago.
    - slothtrop 6y ago
      They had matches, and you could still message. I don't imagine the app version was much different than the web version in that respect and I used the latter. It's really not hard to look up. See here: https://help.okcupid.com/article/40-how-to-send-an-introductory-message-to-someone https://help.okcupid.com/article/40-how-to-send-an-introduct... The only thing that's changed since I used it is they want you to hit "like" on their profile before you send a message. That's not an impediment. The option to send messages is not gone. Use it.

tdfx 6y ago

> worth taking a good picture of yourself. Get a second opinion on it. Wow, this 1000%. Every time I hear a guy complaining about how bad their online dating experience is I ask to see their pictures. It's almost always cringeworthy what they selected. Another underlying problem is that people who aren't of above average attractiveness don't like having their photo taken. Then they have less pictures to select from and end up settling for some really awful ones. As parent poster stated, please get feedback from multiple people on your photos, particularly people of the gender you're targeting. You will most likely be surprised at their feedback.

everdrive 6y ago
>Every time I hear a guy complaining about how bad their online dating experience is I ask to see their pictures. How often are you having these conversations?
- tdfx 6y ago
  During the pandemic: alarmingly often.

Kalium 6y ago

> I maybe looked at the compatibility score if it's there (e.g. OKCupid), read through the profiles, and if there was enough to grab my interest I'd write a message that at least makes some reference to what's mentioned in their profile. I got a response 8-9/10 times. Personally I think I look average enough and don't have amazing conversation skills, I just put in the work to send thoughtful messages. Dating apps have all converged on being swipe-to-match based. Generally you cannot just try to send a message to start a conversation anymore. The option of sending a thoughtful message to get a conversation started is just gone.

slothtrop 6y ago
Without knowing what apps you're talking about, I used OkCupid and PlentyOfFish. It's only been 3 years, I'm sure they still allow direct messaging
- Kalium 6y ago
  OKCupid moved to being swipe-based several years ago.
  - slothtrop 6y ago
    They had matches, and you could still message. I don't imagine the app version was much different than the web version in that respect and I used the latter. It's really not hard to look up. See here: https://help.okcupid.com/article/40-how-to-send-an-introductory-message-to-someone https://help.okcupid.com/article/40-how-to-send-an-introduct... The only thing that's changed since I used it is they want you to hit "like" on their profile before you send a message. That's not an impediment. The option to send messages is not gone. Use it.