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> People don't bother giving feedback to those who they don't care about or have to work with again. This mindset is basically trying to cast good intentions o

> People don't bother giving feedback to those who they don't care about or have to work with again. This mindset is basically trying to cast good intentions on the criticizer to reduce the sting of the critique. I don't like these mindsets because they aren't reliably true. While some managers or teammates will give you feedback with good intentions in mind, others will critique you out of frustration and negative emotions. Instead of tricking yourself into thinking that everyone is acting with your best interests in mind, why not accept reality. The path forward is to embrace the fact that you can't please everyone. Instead, have a deep understanding of what your goals and values are. And, act accordingly. How others react or judge your actions are only important insofar as they help you achieve your goals or align your actions with your values.

supernova87a 6y ago
Well, as I said, it depends on the company -- and also what level of work you're doing and what level of colleagues you have. Some situations, yes, your feedback is being given to document your underperformance. I'm in general not talking about that kind of feedback. At that stage, my comment (and probably the entire article about how to give constructive feedback) is inapplicable. For feedback that is at the level of (and people operating at the level of) "you're doing good work, here's how to improve", then I think my statements are true. If you're getting put on a PIP, then you've got deeper problems, and sure, your feedback is not a gift. No subtle gift is going to help you at that point.
majormajor 6y ago
>While some managers or teammates will give you feedback with good intentions in mind, others will critique you out of frustration and negative emotions. [...] > The path forward is to embrace the fact that you can't please everyone. Instead, have a deep understanding of what your goals and values are. And, act accordingly. How others react or judge your actions are only important insofar as they help you achieve your goals or align your actions with your values. I think the "feedback is a gift" perspective works regardless of "manager genuinely trying to help you improve" or "manager who will just want to get rid of you in a HR-approved way if they don't like what you're doing." And similarly, regardless if your goals are "genuine self-improvement" or even just "don't get fired." If you get negative feedback from someone who is viewing you negatively you're in a better position than not getting negative feedback from someone who views you negatively. It might only be valuable as a warning, if you are working in a fairly inhumane bureaucracy, but it's still better than not knowing where you stand. (It's important here to be able to tell "feedback" from "frustration," though. For instance, if you've got a manager who's grumpy towards everyone or about everything, you need to calibrate for that...)
- fairity 6y ago
  Totally agree that viewing negative feedback as a tool for self-improvement can be a useful and resilient perspective. My main concerns over the advice in the original comment are that: - It suggests that people only give feedback to you if they care about you or have to work with you again, which isn't true. - It implies that you should value whether people like you (or care about you). You're obviously free to choose whatever values you want, but external validation is a poor value imo because it's largely outside of your control. A more resilient mindset is to derive self-worth from intrinsic values e.g. hard work, self-improvement, kindness.
- kubanczyk 6y ago
  You assume communication can only benefit a party, because it cannot decrease the amount of information in your possession. How Shannon-esque. In my life however, I've often met people who could and did harm others (meaning: me) using verbal communication only. And so, I don't share your assumption. I don't feel responsible for processing it all. If I'm suspicious about the intent, I'll likely just cut it off and drop it on the floor like it never happened. If I see the intent is improvement and self-improvement, I'm ~100% invested right there; you can literally put me through hell and I'll be grateful.
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bird_monster 6y ago
I agree. Some people don't want feedback at all. Some people don't want feedback _from you_. The same goes with wanting feedback. Being able to decipher who's giving feedback and why, and what their possible gain could be is important when navigating complex environments. A manager's feedback may be directly oppositional to a teammate's feedback. Your manager's feedback may be directly oppositional to your Director's feedback. Sometimes someone that doesn't know what they're talking about offers feedback very aggressively for posterity. All feedback is not a gift. Lots of feedback is just noise. I think it's important to receive feedback from people you respect or want to be more like. Identifying these people is very important, as they'll have tremendous impact on your work. Just because your manager was assigned to you does not mean you respect them or are interested in changing to accommodate their vision.

supernova87a 6y ago

Well, as I said, it depends on the company -- and also what level of work you're doing and what level of colleagues you have. Some situations, yes, your feedback is being given to document your underperformance. I'm in general not talking about that kind of feedback. At that stage, my comment (and probably the entire article about how to give constructive feedback) is inapplicable. For feedback that is at the level of (and people operating at the level of) "you're doing good work, here's how to improve", then I think my statements are true. If you're getting put on a PIP, then you've got deeper problems, and sure, your feedback is not a gift. No subtle gift is going to help you at that point.

majormajor 6y ago

>While some managers or teammates will give you feedback with good intentions in mind, others will critique you out of frustration and negative emotions. [...] > The path forward is to embrace the fact that you can't please everyone. Instead, have a deep understanding of what your goals and values are. And, act accordingly. How others react or judge your actions are only important insofar as they help you achieve your goals or align your actions with your values. I think the "feedback is a gift" perspective works regardless of "manager genuinely trying to help you improve" or "manager who will just want to get rid of you in a HR-approved way if they don't like what you're doing." And similarly, regardless if your goals are "genuine self-improvement" or even just "don't get fired." If you get negative feedback from someone who is viewing you negatively you're in a better position than not getting negative feedback from someone who views you negatively. It might only be valuable as a warning, if you are working in a fairly inhumane bureaucracy, but it's still better than not knowing where you stand. (It's important here to be able to tell "feedback" from "frustration," though. For instance, if you've got a manager who's grumpy towards everyone or about everything, you need to calibrate for that...)

fairity 6y ago
Totally agree that viewing negative feedback as a tool for self-improvement can be a useful and resilient perspective. My main concerns over the advice in the original comment are that: - It suggests that people only give feedback to you if they care about you or have to work with you again, which isn't true. - It implies that you should value whether people like you (or care about you). You're obviously free to choose whatever values you want, but external validation is a poor value imo because it's largely outside of your control. A more resilient mindset is to derive self-worth from intrinsic values e.g. hard work, self-improvement, kindness.
kubanczyk 6y ago
You assume communication can only benefit a party, because it cannot decrease the amount of information in your possession. How Shannon-esque. In my life however, I've often met people who could and did harm others (meaning: me) using verbal communication only. And so, I don't share your assumption. I don't feel responsible for processing it all. If I'm suspicious about the intent, I'll likely just cut it off and drop it on the floor like it never happened. If I see the intent is improvement and self-improvement, I'm ~100% invested right there; you can literally put me through hell and I'll be grateful.

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bird_monster 6y ago

I agree. Some people don't want feedback at all. Some people don't want feedback _from you_. The same goes with wanting feedback. Being able to decipher who's giving feedback and why, and what their possible gain could be is important when navigating complex environments. A manager's feedback may be directly oppositional to a teammate's feedback. Your manager's feedback may be directly oppositional to your Director's feedback. Sometimes someone that doesn't know what they're talking about offers feedback very aggressively for posterity. All feedback is not a gift. Lots of feedback is just noise. I think it's important to receive feedback from people you respect or want to be more like. Identifying these people is very important, as they'll have tremendous impact on your work. Just because your manager was assigned to you does not mean you respect them or are interested in changing to accommodate their vision.