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When we has our first child, it came as a total shock as to the amount of work that was needed. I was completely unprepared for it. Added to my wife’s work sche

by hi41 6y ago

When we has our first child, it came as a total shock as to the amount of work that was needed. I was completely unprepared for it. Added to my wife’s work schedule and mine, I was stuck between changing diapers and kitchen. I absolutely HATED fatherhood. Did anyone have the same experience and how did you overcome the frustration to become a good father.

MaximumYComb 6y ago
Babies aren't meant to be fun. I became a single dad when I had a baby and a two year old. Honestly, I don't think most men are wired for doing this role. The 4-5 years that followed were very difficult for me mentally. I was socially isolated, had no support (all support structures were mother orientated) and I had two really little kids to care for. I'm not sure if I changed, or it's simply easier for me now they're a bit older, but over time I had merged into this parenting role really well. My kids are both happy and well balanced, other kids and adults both like them and they're doing really well at school.
- watwut 6y ago
  It is mentally difficult for mothers too. Like isolation, there is reason why the stereotype of woman used to be constantly on the phone. Or taking a lot after husband came from work. Single parenthood is even harder, it sounds that you have done good job with them.
  - MaximumYComb 6y ago
    Sorry, I didn't mean to imply it's not hard on mother's too. I meant that they seem to have a better hormonal reward system with babies. Mother's seem really happy cuddling their little ones and adult women tend to enjoy cuddling babies compare to adult men. I didn't have that same connection with mine so I didn't get reward, at the time, for my efforts.
    - watwut 6y ago
      I did not meant to imply that you implied, you did not. Just that the a lot of those frustrating and isolating aspects are not that you are less made or less capable for it, it is shared frustration and depression. Tho, advantage of being mom is that you can find other mom to complain to. I agree it is harder for men who are less likely to be in that position. Hormonal things are more after birth. Moms can also get "touched out" when you don't want touch anymore. Some of cuddling is really done because you know it is good for kids. I don't want to be the one who will say your experience of being uncomfortable more does not exists. It is way more ok for women to touch other women them males touching other males. These aspects are much different between genders. Imo, a lot of women specific socialization is really about teaching women how to break isolation etc. It is the thing I realized only after I had kids. A lot of stereotypes were actually adaptation.
- 6gvONxR4sf7o 6y ago
  > Honestly, I don't think most men are wired for doing this role... I was socially isolated, had no support (all support structures were mother orientated) Maybe it's the social structures that aren't wired for men to do it, rather than the biological ones. What made you feel like the difference was biological rather than due to external society?
  - snazz 6y ago
    Biologically, I think that there are always going to be more single mothers than single fathers. Women can get pregnant without knowing who the father is. Although formula exists today, men could not feed young babies very well for most of history. These social structures are probably intended to serve a greater number of people, so they serve women better than men.
  - MaximumYComb 6y ago
    Two reasons. The first is that women tend to just like babies. Female friends want to hold a baby but male friends almost never do. Women get "clucky" around them, etc. The second is that when my youngest was 6 months old I felt nothing for him. I saw a psychologist about this and they said it was really normal for dads to not feel connected to second+ kids until the kids are past a year.
smegcicle 6y ago
> Added to my wife’s work schedule There's your problem. The idea that women have a moral right to enter the workforce being used as an argument against their necessity in the full time job of raising their own children is nonsensical.
- dang 6y ago
  Please don't attack other users (especially not over personally intimate topics like parenting), and please don't take HN threads into generic flamewar.
  - smegcicle 6y ago
    I suppose it could be read as an attack on the poster, but I meant it much more as an attack on the expectation of raising kids working out easily in that situation, as indicated in the latter sentence. Given the context of 'hating fatherhood', pointing that out seems relevant.
    - kaitai 6y ago
      You're attacking women's right to enter the workforce, which does force a lot of your baggage on women. It's unwelcome.
    - pavel_lishin 6y ago
      I read it as an attack on women.
AlphaOne1 6y ago
I will be the first to admit that becoming a father was a difficult transition. One book that I recommend that all fathers read is The Boy Crisis. With the usual disclaimer that I do not agree with everything the author states, it greatly helped me see what a crucial role I have in raising our kids (my wife and I were blessed with 5 children, including 2 sets of twins). Interestingly, the first baby was by far the hardest transition because we both felt trapped in our new roles. Now that we are a few years in, it has been extremely rewarding to watch our kids mature. My wife and I have spent hours discussing this topic and we agree that fatherhood in general is not well understood in society today. The book helped me to understand my unique role as a father in raising our kids. My wife and I share a similar value system but are often baffled by how different our approach is to parenting. I might sound antiquated but I really think we compliment each other in how we approach our children. Oh and one side note: the single most important quality of life change that my wife and I made was to get our kids to go to bed early. We now have them all in bed by 7:30 PM so the rest of the evening we have to ourselves. This takes discipline on our part especially after a long day at work but the kids are much happier with more sleep (even though it can sometimes be a battle to get them to stay in bed). Overtime you will be surprised at how much progress you can make. Try and enjoy the little things in life. Since I'm in medicine, most of my life has been a whirlwind of activity: having kids has forced me to slow down and appreciate life in a new way. One small example, is that the highlight of my week is seeing my kids super excited for the homemade pancakes I make on Saturdays. It gives mom a break :) Being a father gets better with time and I will say that parenting is the most important and rewarding undertaking of my life, even more so than programming or graduating medical school. Good luck and remember you are not alone there are literally millions of other fathers out there with similar struggles!
pavel_lishin 6y ago
My experience wasn't as bad as yours, but the first year was pretty rough. Babies aren't fun. They eat, shit and cry, and that's about it. The way to overcome it is to sort of just plod on. They grow out of the potato stage, and start becoming people you can interact with, play with, talk with. For the first few years, being a good dad largely consists of keeping your kid alive! I basically just told myself that it would get better, and stage by stage it did. Mine's nearly five now, and there are still a lot of challenges, but it's nowhere as difficult as it was for the first few years. Being a good dad is actually harder in some ways now now, because it requires more mental and emotional commitment, vs. just being able to deal with sleep deprivation and isolation, but also easier in a lot of ways because they're a person you can do things with.
darkerside 6y ago
How old is your child?

by hi41 6y ago

MaximumYComb 6y ago

Babies aren't meant to be fun. I became a single dad when I had a baby and a two year old. Honestly, I don't think most men are wired for doing this role. The 4-5 years that followed were very difficult for me mentally. I was socially isolated, had no support (all support structures were mother orientated) and I had two really little kids to care for. I'm not sure if I changed, or it's simply easier for me now they're a bit older, but over time I had merged into this parenting role really well. My kids are both happy and well balanced, other kids and adults both like them and they're doing really well at school.

watwut 6y ago
It is mentally difficult for mothers too. Like isolation, there is reason why the stereotype of woman used to be constantly on the phone. Or taking a lot after husband came from work. Single parenthood is even harder, it sounds that you have done good job with them.
- MaximumYComb 6y ago
  Sorry, I didn't mean to imply it's not hard on mother's too. I meant that they seem to have a better hormonal reward system with babies. Mother's seem really happy cuddling their little ones and adult women tend to enjoy cuddling babies compare to adult men. I didn't have that same connection with mine so I didn't get reward, at the time, for my efforts.
  - watwut 6y ago
    I did not meant to imply that you implied, you did not. Just that the a lot of those frustrating and isolating aspects are not that you are less made or less capable for it, it is shared frustration and depression. Tho, advantage of being mom is that you can find other mom to complain to. I agree it is harder for men who are less likely to be in that position. Hormonal things are more after birth. Moms can also get "touched out" when you don't want touch anymore. Some of cuddling is really done because you know it is good for kids. I don't want to be the one who will say your experience of being uncomfortable more does not exists. It is way more ok for women to touch other women them males touching other males. These aspects are much different between genders. Imo, a lot of women specific socialization is really about teaching women how to break isolation etc. It is the thing I realized only after I had kids. A lot of stereotypes were actually adaptation.
6gvONxR4sf7o 6y ago
> Honestly, I don't think most men are wired for doing this role... I was socially isolated, had no support (all support structures were mother orientated) Maybe it's the social structures that aren't wired for men to do it, rather than the biological ones. What made you feel like the difference was biological rather than due to external society?
- snazz 6y ago
  Biologically, I think that there are always going to be more single mothers than single fathers. Women can get pregnant without knowing who the father is. Although formula exists today, men could not feed young babies very well for most of history. These social structures are probably intended to serve a greater number of people, so they serve women better than men.
- MaximumYComb 6y ago
  Two reasons. The first is that women tend to just like babies. Female friends want to hold a baby but male friends almost never do. Women get "clucky" around them, etc. The second is that when my youngest was 6 months old I felt nothing for him. I saw a psychologist about this and they said it was really normal for dads to not feel connected to second+ kids until the kids are past a year.

smegcicle 6y ago

> Added to my wife’s work schedule There's your problem. The idea that women have a moral right to enter the workforce being used as an argument against their necessity in the full time job of raising their own children is nonsensical.

dang 6y ago
Please don't attack other users (especially not over personally intimate topics like parenting), and please don't take HN threads into generic flamewar.
- smegcicle 6y ago
  I suppose it could be read as an attack on the poster, but I meant it much more as an attack on the expectation of raising kids working out easily in that situation, as indicated in the latter sentence. Given the context of 'hating fatherhood', pointing that out seems relevant.
  - kaitai 6y ago
    You're attacking women's right to enter the workforce, which does force a lot of your baggage on women. It's unwelcome.
  - pavel_lishin 6y ago
    I read it as an attack on women.

AlphaOne1 6y ago

I will be the first to admit that becoming a father was a difficult transition. One book that I recommend that all fathers read is The Boy Crisis. With the usual disclaimer that I do not agree with everything the author states, it greatly helped me see what a crucial role I have in raising our kids (my wife and I were blessed with 5 children, including 2 sets of twins). Interestingly, the first baby was by far the hardest transition because we both felt trapped in our new roles. Now that we are a few years in, it has been extremely rewarding to watch our kids mature. My wife and I have spent hours discussing this topic and we agree that fatherhood in general is not well understood in society today. The book helped me to understand my unique role as a father in raising our kids. My wife and I share a similar value system but are often baffled by how different our approach is to parenting. I might sound antiquated but I really think we compliment each other in how we approach our children. Oh and one side note: the single most important quality of life change that my wife and I made was to get our kids to go to bed early. We now have them all in bed by 7:30 PM so the rest of the evening we have to ourselves. This takes discipline on our part especially after a long day at work but the kids are much happier with more sleep (even though it can sometimes be a battle to get them to stay in bed). Overtime you will be surprised at how much progress you can make. Try and enjoy the little things in life. Since I'm in medicine, most of my life has been a whirlwind of activity: having kids has forced me to slow down and appreciate life in a new way. One small example, is that the highlight of my week is seeing my kids super excited for the homemade pancakes I make on Saturdays. It gives mom a break :) Being a father gets better with time and I will say that parenting is the most important and rewarding undertaking of my life, even more so than programming or graduating medical school. Good luck and remember you are not alone there are literally millions of other fathers out there with similar struggles!

pavel_lishin 6y ago

My experience wasn't as bad as yours, but the first year was pretty rough. Babies aren't fun. They eat, shit and cry, and that's about it. The way to overcome it is to sort of just plod on. They grow out of the potato stage, and start becoming people you can interact with, play with, talk with. For the first few years, being a good dad largely consists of keeping your kid alive! I basically just told myself that it would get better, and stage by stage it did. Mine's nearly five now, and there are still a lot of challenges, but it's nowhere as difficult as it was for the first few years. Being a good dad is actually harder in some ways now now, because it requires more mental and emotional commitment, vs. just being able to deal with sleep deprivation and isolation, but also easier in a lot of ways because they're a person you can do things with.

darkerside 6y ago

How old is your child?