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Accepting negative feedback gets much easier if you view the feedback as partly a reflection of the person giving the feedback, and know that some people get of

Accepting negative feedback gets much easier if you view the feedback as partly a reflection of the person giving the feedback, and know that some people get off on being as critical and negative as possible. Also, sometimes a person is just having a bad day, and giving feedback is a chance for them to lash out. Remembering those things can help take away the sting so you can view the feedback in a more detached way and be more likely to get some use out of it

WoodenChair 6y ago
Totally agree, thanks for making that very important point.
kbuchanan 6y ago
Agreed. Some don't care for his sharp style, but Nicholas Taleb puts it like this: https://twitter.com/nntaleb/status/950037120030306305?lang=en https://twitter.com/nntaleb/status/950037120030306305?lang=e...
- sooheon 6y ago
  Sounds like a way to prime an internal narrative of superiority as a defense mechanism.
kqr 6y ago
Also a person feeling superior to you is more likely to mentor you instead of criticise you(r actions). Criticism more likely comes from people who -- for whatever reason -- feel inferior to you at that particular point in time. Maybe because they had a bad day. Maybe because you're the expert. There could be a million reasons but few of them relate to the matter at hand. Keeping in mind criticism frequently comes from a place of relative weakness can help build bridges across the potentially harsh content to the real emotional background. Edit: Well, obviously step one is to introspect and see what it is about your behaviour it would be reasonable to change. When that fails, step two is to find what emotions lie beneath the criticism.
- watwut 6y ago
  > a person feeling superior to you is more likely to mentor you instead of criticise you [...] Criticism more likely comes from people who -- for whatever reason -- feel inferior to you at that particular point in time. That really is not something I would observe in practice. It is tempting to think that they really feel inferior deep down or something like that, but it is pretty often not true. "He/she is just jealous" is just thing people say to make you feel good, but it is not based on reality.
- formerly_proven 6y ago
  Sounds like a great approach to broadly disregard criticism as coming from inferior people that are just jealous of your expertise.
- tkdubs 6y ago
  This dynamic of a superior vs underling criticism is an angle I find fascinating. I know that if I received criticism from people that I consider I am above in the corporate pecking order I take that criticism way differently to if I received that criticism form someone who I consider "above me".
wombatmobile 6y ago
I agree with your observation that criticism is a reflection of the person giving the feedback. Still, the criticism leaves us with a desire to neutralise its effect, and avoid receiving it in the future. How do we do that? This works great, starting with just 5 words https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zeDt9dgFXFk https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zeDt9dgFXFk
- Donckele 6y ago
  Please write them here!
  - rytis 6y ago
    "Don't let it in" - if I got the message right.
    - LeonB 6y ago
      “Thank you for sharing that” I think
  - wombatmobile 6y ago
    It's better if you listen to Marisa Peer because she says this with examples, in a way you won't forget. If you don't have 18:33, this is the essence of what she says: They say: You are so fat. or You are terrible at public speaking. or That was crap. You say, in a kind, untroubled, mildly nurturing voice: [1] Thank you for sharing that. It dissipates the tension. In your own mind, you understand their insults, sarcasms or hurts are not anything to do with you, and will not affect you if you don't let it in. So you let your thoughts move on. If they come back with another hurtfully worded criticism, you look directly into their eyes, raise your eyebrows a little, and say: [2] I'm sorry, I didn't actually hear all of that. Could you please repeat that slowly for me? They have to think about what they have said. 90% of the time, they will retract it and apologise, saying they misspoke. If they persist with criticism, you say, quizically: [3] Oh... are you trying to hurt my feelings? Often they will modify what they say to clear up the misunderstanding, by explaining that they are only trying to help you. Or whatever. Rarely, someone will go on the attack, by saying Yes, and repeating the insult. If that happens, you say [4] Well that's not going to work because I'm not going to let that in. And you don't let it in. You recognise that you are in an exchange with someone who has these exchanges with other people often because that is who they are, but it has nothing to do with who you are. If they persist, you say, in a measured, almost academic voice: [5] Did you know that critical people have the most criticism reserved for themselves? They don't like themselves. They are expressing outwards their own dissatisfaction. When you do this you are showing me, and everyone else in the office, that you are your own worst critic.
teraku 6y ago
Your name checks out ;-) On a serious note: Lashing out is not "feedback"!

WoodenChair 6y ago

Totally agree, thanks for making that very important point.

kbuchanan 6y ago

Agreed. Some don't care for his sharp style, but Nicholas Taleb puts it like this: https://twitter.com/nntaleb/status/950037120030306305?lang=en https://twitter.com/nntaleb/status/950037120030306305?lang=e...

sooheon 6y ago
Sounds like a way to prime an internal narrative of superiority as a defense mechanism.

kqr 6y ago

Also a person feeling superior to you is more likely to mentor you instead of criticise you(r actions). Criticism more likely comes from people who -- for whatever reason -- feel inferior to you at that particular point in time. Maybe because they had a bad day. Maybe because you're the expert. There could be a million reasons but few of them relate to the matter at hand. Keeping in mind criticism frequently comes from a place of relative weakness can help build bridges across the potentially harsh content to the real emotional background. Edit: Well, obviously step one is to introspect and see what it is about your behaviour it would be reasonable to change. When that fails, step two is to find what emotions lie beneath the criticism.

watwut 6y ago
> a person feeling superior to you is more likely to mentor you instead of criticise you [...] Criticism more likely comes from people who -- for whatever reason -- feel inferior to you at that particular point in time. That really is not something I would observe in practice. It is tempting to think that they really feel inferior deep down or something like that, but it is pretty often not true. "He/she is just jealous" is just thing people say to make you feel good, but it is not based on reality.
formerly_proven 6y ago
Sounds like a great approach to broadly disregard criticism as coming from inferior people that are just jealous of your expertise.
tkdubs 6y ago
This dynamic of a superior vs underling criticism is an angle I find fascinating. I know that if I received criticism from people that I consider I am above in the corporate pecking order I take that criticism way differently to if I received that criticism form someone who I consider "above me".

wombatmobile 6y ago

I agree with your observation that criticism is a reflection of the person giving the feedback. Still, the criticism leaves us with a desire to neutralise its effect, and avoid receiving it in the future. How do we do that? This works great, starting with just 5 words https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zeDt9dgFXFk https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zeDt9dgFXFk

Donckele 6y ago
Please write them here!
- rytis 6y ago
  "Don't let it in" - if I got the message right.
  - LeonB 6y ago
    “Thank you for sharing that” I think
- wombatmobile 6y ago
  It's better if you listen to Marisa Peer because she says this with examples, in a way you won't forget. If you don't have 18:33, this is the essence of what she says: They say: You are so fat. or You are terrible at public speaking. or That was crap. You say, in a kind, untroubled, mildly nurturing voice: [1] Thank you for sharing that. It dissipates the tension. In your own mind, you understand their insults, sarcasms or hurts are not anything to do with you, and will not affect you if you don't let it in. So you let your thoughts move on. If they come back with another hurtfully worded criticism, you look directly into their eyes, raise your eyebrows a little, and say: [2] I'm sorry, I didn't actually hear all of that. Could you please repeat that slowly for me? They have to think about what they have said. 90% of the time, they will retract it and apologise, saying they misspoke. If they persist with criticism, you say, quizically: [3] Oh... are you trying to hurt my feelings? Often they will modify what they say to clear up the misunderstanding, by explaining that they are only trying to help you. Or whatever. Rarely, someone will go on the attack, by saying Yes, and repeating the insult. If that happens, you say [4] Well that's not going to work because I'm not going to let that in. And you don't let it in. You recognise that you are in an exchange with someone who has these exchanges with other people often because that is who they are, but it has nothing to do with who you are. If they persist, you say, in a measured, almost academic voice: [5] Did you know that critical people have the most criticism reserved for themselves? They don't like themselves. They are expressing outwards their own dissatisfaction. When you do this you are showing me, and everyone else in the office, that you are your own worst critic.

teraku 6y ago

Your name checks out ;-) On a serious note: Lashing out is not "feedback"!