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> My girlfriend of 13 years left me the day after my birthday This is something I'll never understand. How can someone be with another person for so long and b

> My girlfriend of 13 years left me the day after my birthday This is something I'll never understand. How can someone be with another person for so long and be able to end up things in such drastic manner (assuming there wasn't any toxicity in the relationship)? I mean, if you hadn't any idea that this could happen then did your partner never try to fix whatever problem you had before taking that decision?

mettamage 6y ago
> (assuming there wasn't any toxicity in the relationship) That's a big assumption. Maybe it's me, but when I look around, I see a lot of hidden tensions in people who've been together for a long time. In most cases, I'd say it borders toxicity. Relationships are tough. IMO what predicts that people stay together is that they're capable of navigating it, it doesn't even matter if the navigation is unhealthy (i.e. like some of my family members, they'll stay together until death, but there are some painful sacrifices both parties are making).
- Fumtumi 6y ago
  I'm very direct sometimes. Like it could be that my wife wants to be nice to me and buys something specific and i just say 'ah you shouldn't buy that, it produces so much garbage (lots of wrapping)' and she answers 'yeah i know but i thought you like it so i bought it for you'. Might not be the perfect example but whenever something similar happens, it feels to me that i took a little bit of 'fun' and 'nice gesture' out of our relationship by saying this kind of things. On the other hand, if i would never say something (and of course vice versa) we would be stuck but we would not have those small disappointments in our relationship. But i regret those things because it is much nicer to see your significant other being happy about making you happy. It is so much easier not to offend someone when you just follow your own set of rules for yourself. Like not telling someone, who just 'drooped' garbage that they just 'drooped' garbage. It is 100 times harder when it is your partner. Now we don't have any secrets between each other anymore. But that was a long long way and not easy. Now imagine a Relationship which wouldn't do that. You can easily start living next to each other over a longer period of time and then suddenly you realize that you crossed that border.
mlang23 6y ago
I see what you mean. Still, I have had that happen to me once. It was just for 2 years, but I was still pretty surprised when she came home from visiting her adventist church, telling me she will move out. When I asked about the whys, she suddenly had a complete list of things which she couldn't stand anymore. However, she never tried to talk about any of them prior to this event. In fact, I even asked her a few months about one of the topic on her list, and she told me straight out it was fine with her. To be honest, I really should have sticked to my rule of not dating religious women. I still suspect her church mates had something to do with the sudden change in attitude. However, I never learnt what was really going on. Go figure. The upside of such events, which has been mentioned by others already, is that you are now free to find the right person for you. Breakups, while sometimes being pretty emotional, are almost always for the better.
marcinostefano 6y ago
Briffault's law, once girl doesn't have any benefits from relationship, she leaves, simple as that.
- FinanceAnon 6y ago
  Could you not say the same thing about men? "Laws" like this are overly simplistic. There are some nasty people in the world, but not everyone is like that.
  - marcinostefano 6y ago
    No, cause woman is not a gatekeeper of relationship, men is (at least should be).
    - FinanceAnon 6y ago
      It takes two willing people to form a relationship. There is no single gender being a "gatekeeper" - all people are different and enter relationships for different reasons.
- Fumtumi 6y ago
  Oh boy :| My relationship is a giving and taking on both sides. We talked through a lot of things and still do even now after nearly 10 years. A real relationship is not a one person show.
kls 6y ago
It's not a popular observation and it is not a blanket statement but it is age old wisdom, the reality is for most relationships: Men get comfortable and Women get board. If you are a man, strive to not get comfortable that is all you can do.

mettamage 6y ago

> (assuming there wasn't any toxicity in the relationship) That's a big assumption. Maybe it's me, but when I look around, I see a lot of hidden tensions in people who've been together for a long time. In most cases, I'd say it borders toxicity. Relationships are tough. IMO what predicts that people stay together is that they're capable of navigating it, it doesn't even matter if the navigation is unhealthy (i.e. like some of my family members, they'll stay together until death, but there are some painful sacrifices both parties are making).

Fumtumi 6y ago
I'm very direct sometimes. Like it could be that my wife wants to be nice to me and buys something specific and i just say 'ah you shouldn't buy that, it produces so much garbage (lots of wrapping)' and she answers 'yeah i know but i thought you like it so i bought it for you'. Might not be the perfect example but whenever something similar happens, it feels to me that i took a little bit of 'fun' and 'nice gesture' out of our relationship by saying this kind of things. On the other hand, if i would never say something (and of course vice versa) we would be stuck but we would not have those small disappointments in our relationship. But i regret those things because it is much nicer to see your significant other being happy about making you happy. It is so much easier not to offend someone when you just follow your own set of rules for yourself. Like not telling someone, who just 'drooped' garbage that they just 'drooped' garbage. It is 100 times harder when it is your partner. Now we don't have any secrets between each other anymore. But that was a long long way and not easy. Now imagine a Relationship which wouldn't do that. You can easily start living next to each other over a longer period of time and then suddenly you realize that you crossed that border.

mlang23 6y ago

I see what you mean. Still, I have had that happen to me once. It was just for 2 years, but I was still pretty surprised when she came home from visiting her adventist church, telling me she will move out. When I asked about the whys, she suddenly had a complete list of things which she couldn't stand anymore. However, she never tried to talk about any of them prior to this event. In fact, I even asked her a few months about one of the topic on her list, and she told me straight out it was fine with her. To be honest, I really should have sticked to my rule of not dating religious women. I still suspect her church mates had something to do with the sudden change in attitude. However, I never learnt what was really going on. Go figure. The upside of such events, which has been mentioned by others already, is that you are now free to find the right person for you. Breakups, while sometimes being pretty emotional, are almost always for the better.

marcinostefano 6y ago

Briffault's law, once girl doesn't have any benefits from relationship, she leaves, simple as that.

FinanceAnon 6y ago
Could you not say the same thing about men? "Laws" like this are overly simplistic. There are some nasty people in the world, but not everyone is like that.
- marcinostefano 6y ago
  No, cause woman is not a gatekeeper of relationship, men is (at least should be).
  - FinanceAnon 6y ago
    It takes two willing people to form a relationship. There is no single gender being a "gatekeeper" - all people are different and enter relationships for different reasons.
Fumtumi 6y ago
Oh boy :| My relationship is a giving and taking on both sides. We talked through a lot of things and still do even now after nearly 10 years. A real relationship is not a one person show.

kls 6y ago

It's not a popular observation and it is not a blanket statement but it is age old wisdom, the reality is for most relationships: Men get comfortable and Women get board. If you are a man, strive to not get comfortable that is all you can do.