3 ms·
Signalling commitment. My wife and I got married in our mid 30s. If you're a strait guy with a good career, keeping yourself fit, reasonably good looking, no
by KMag 6y ago
Signalling commitment. My wife and I got married in our mid 30s. If you're a strait guy with a good career, keeping yourself fit, reasonably good looking, no kids, and without religious/cultural reasons to get married, the main advantage of marriage is to reduce relationship anxiety in your partner. A lot of single guys in my position in their mid-late 30s, some of them friends of mine, tend to date women in their mid 20s. Women in their mid 30s know there's a big risk of losing reasonably successful and fit partners to younger women, and their anxiety puts strain on the relationship. Entering into a bond of mutually assured financial and social destruction with my partner made her feel much more secure and thereby greatly reduces stress in the relationship.
When I was in my late 20s, I also had good chemistry with a female friend who was 32 or 33. She hinted pretty strongly on several occasions that she thought we'd make a good couple. Unfortunately, she had a poor relationship with her father which is a no-go for me due to past bad experiences. I remember she confided in me that she felt like she needed to start looking to date guys in their late 40s/early 50s. She was good looking and a graduate student at Columbia University at the time. A lot of women in their mid 30s who should have very good dating prospects have a lot of stress about being passed over for younger women, and unfortunately they're often not wrong to worry.
If you can't imagine leaving your partner for someone else, and they're worried about being left because they're seeing their friends getting left, words are cheap and your partner will know it. If you can't imagine leaving your partner, then there aren't many downsides to getting married, and your partner will also know this.
Of course, there are others in different situations, but that's the experience of me, my wife, some of my wife's single female friends, and some of my single female friends in their mid-30s. Several of them very pleasant good looking women with graduate degrees from Ivy League schools and good careers.
So, for me, I had gotten a bit tired of the dating scene, really liked my partner, couldn't imagine breaking up, and knew my parter was getting anxious. For us, it was a good move, and has made our relationship much stronger.
- fizwhiz 6y ago> Unfortunately, she had a poor relationship with her father which is a no-go for me due to past bad experiences. Genuinely curious why this was (for you) a leading indicator of a bad relationship?
- phkahler 6y agoThe father-daughter relationship is critical. It can affect how a woman will relate to men for the rest of her life. There are no perfect parents, but there are bad ones. Therapy can help.
- KMag 6y agoExactly. Growing up, we all subconsciously build mental models of the minds of others that help us interpret the motivations behind the actions of others and anticipate future actions. For many women, their fathers play a dominant part in their modelling of the minds of men that help them sort out situations where there's conflicting information. This is clearly a generalization, but my experiences are close enough to what I've read. I've had one girlfriend who was essentially abandoned by her father and another whose father was essentially indifferent to her emotional well being or success in life. It was pretty obvious that at least for both of them, they always had a nagging feeling that I seemed to love and support them, but maybe it was just a charade. After noticing the connection, I actively sought out women with supportive fathers who clearly cared for their daughters. My father-in-law is strict, but unquestionably supportive of my wife. My wife talks to her dad on the phone at least 5 times per week. When we were first dating, I consciously asked my wife about her father and watched her body language and listened to the way she talked about him. Even early in our dating, my wife was far more likely to have a charitable interpretation of my actions/motivations vs. my ex-girlfriends whose fathers showed little evidence of caring. On the other hand, my wife still calls me 2-3 times per day at work, but it's a small price to pay for her subconsciously believing I genuinely have an altruistic interest in her well being.
- phkahler 6y agoUgh. Get one aspect right and compromise on another :-) I know nothing but what you said in that comment, but she sounds a little something (needy? Dependent?). Calling dad 5 times a week and you 3 times a day seems a bit off. We all have issues ;-)
- 6y ago