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I'm an awkward smart guy, but I'm not an egotistical ass. I'd really love a guide for social situations that would actually be of use. Mainly it would address:

I'm an awkward smart guy, but I'm not an egotistical ass. I'd really love a guide for social situations that would actually be of use. Mainly it would address: -When in a social situation, other than silence, how am I suppose to participate or excuse myself from participating in a discussion about american idol or some other topic to which I have no knowledge and may perhaps despise? Neither being quite, admitting I don't follow said topic are well received. Isn't there a positive way out of this dilemma? -When some one brings up something sad or bad that has happened is "I'm sorry to hear that" or "Don't worry, it will get better" really enough of a response? Frankly I find it hard to offer these "words of comfort" when I find no comfort in them myself. As a realistic person, I realize that sentiment does not alter a situation so it's hard to be encouraging. Should I just say them regardless? -When discussing something with some one there are occasions when I'm genuinely curious as to why they have a certain line of reasoning. I want to ask "why do you think that?" but it always comes off condescending. This is especially true when perhaps we are discussing a problem and I know the solution and they do not. I want to know what the reasoning behind their solution is rather than just telling them it's wrong or what the correct solution is--however when trying to ask them their reasoning I can't come up with a way to do it without sounding condescending. Should I not bother? -When walking leaving my office and entering the hallway, how close should a person be entering the hallway from the opposite direction be before I wave or say hello. If I wait to long, they think I ignore them. If I do it to early, then theres a great length of time that we are both still walking down the hall and having used my throw-away "Hey" I have nothing left to offer them. It's awkward. -Is there a method/statement for suggesting an attempt at becoming friends with some one? "Hey, want to be friends" is unutterable for me. No matter how I imagine saying that line it feels pathetic. If I don't drink beer or coffee is there anything else to ask someone out to do in order to have some bonding time? -How to accept a compliment. Thanks or agreement feels egotistical. Trying to act as humble by playing it down doesn't seem to be received well either.

tokenadult 15y ago
When some one brings up something sad or bad that has happened is "I'm sorry to hear that" or "Don't worry, it will get better" really enough of a response? You ask a very important question, because we all have occasion to hear other people's announcements of bad news. Expressing some sympathy is better than doing nothing, and is (if my experience is any guide) comforting to the person who announced the bad news. Among my several hundred Facebook friends (many of whom I know mostly via common subscription to email lists discussing parenting issues), there are friends who I don't know WELL, and whom I am unable to give any practical help, who nonetheless seem to appreciate me saying things like "Get well soon" or "I hope you get over that in a while" or even just "That's rough." Just acknowledging a fellow human being's common trouble from being part of the human condition seems to help somewhat. Perhaps I haven't given you a great deal of practical help by this reply, but I did want to reply to acknowledge that you are grappling with a tough problem.
- rdtsc 15y ago
  When saying those things in-person it matters how you say it just as much as what you say. Sometimes, if it is a co-worker that you don't talk much with, and it feels a little too awkward to say "sorry for you loss", it might be easier to offer to take some work off of them or help them with something else. Stuff like "I noticed you have this bug in your queue, assign it me if you like".
stuntgoat 15y ago
giberson said: """-When walking leaving my office and entering the hallway, how close should a person be entering the hallway from the opposite direction be before I wave or say hello. If I wait to long, they think I ignore them. If I do it to early, then theres a great length of time that we are both still walking down the hall and having used my throw-away "Hey" I have nothing left to offer them. It's awkward.""" 1) I would recommend playing music. Playing music of any kind can allow you to become a better listener and help with timing your response or initial request/comment/gesture. 2) Be sincere; be empathetic. 3) Have fun.
- johnnyjustice 15y ago
  Dude you are so right about playing music thats quite a theory you got there, all the people i know that play instruments are good listeners
- johnnyjustice 15y ago
  Dude you are so right about playing music thats quite a theory you got there, all the people i know that play instruments are good listeners
- johnnyjustice 15y ago
  Dude you are so right about playing music thats quite a theory you got there, all the people i know that play instruments are good listeners
spicycat 15y ago
1 - Try taking a small step back away from the group, this will signify that you would rather listen. Once in this position, you can escape ('go mingle') more easily. 2 - Words of comfort really don't help, they're more of a tribal signal. They're still necessary. 3 - Try saying "I'm not sure how you got to this step/result, could you explain it in more detail for me?" 4 - About 1-2 seconds of travel away. 5 - Talk about what they like, try to find common interests. Most people won't refuse a snack or dessert either. 6 - It's just "Thank you", then shut up and wait. Anything else doesn't work.
bedris 15y ago
How to accept a compliment. Thanks or agreement feels egotistical. Trying to act as humble by playing it down doesn't seem to be received well either. "The refusal of praise is only the wish to be praised twice." - Francois de La Rochefoucauld
jonmc12 15y ago
"How to accept a compliment. Thanks or agreement feels egotistical." Say thanks and smile.
- robotresearcher 15y ago
  But smile bashfully, as if you weren't expecting the compliment and are a little embarrassed by the attention. Do your basking in the glorious glow on the inside only.
boredguy8 15y ago
"How to accept a compliment. Thanks or agreement feels egotistical. Trying to act as humble by playing it down doesn't seem to be received well either." I'm now in the habit of accepting and reflecting. Not only is it generous, it also tends to be true. "Wow, Bob, you got N done really fast and you did a great job, thanks!" "My pleasure, Steve - I couldn't have done it without Mary's help." Getting in the habit of forcing myself to give others credit _really_ opened my eyes to how solo efforts are still group efforts: "My pleasure, Steve - I couldn't have done it without Mary picking up my other clients' work during this project." Worst case scenario, where you're convinced it really is solo work or where deflecting 'correctly' takes too much explanation, accept and deflect to the praiser. "My pleasure, Steve. Thanks for saying something." I'm not sure this approach is "right", but it's what I've been doing in the face of the dilemma you mention.
- natural219 15y ago
  This may be the most "socially smooth" way of handling the situation, but be careful about the classic tooting-your-own-horn problem. In some situations, it may be "socially awkward" or egotistical to take a compliment directly to yourself, but it may be advantageous for your position. Basically, try to be as nice and polite as possible; just avoid getting shat on.
brandall10 15y ago
- Either crack a joke and direct the conversation to something else, grin and bear it, or if possible calmly slip away for a few minutes. - What you say is not nearly as important as listening. Let their words be your guide. Sometimes just good eye contact, nodding, and "I understand" are more than enough. - Acknowledge the value in their reasoning and then pivot into a discussion about it. "Hmm... I've never thought about it like that before. I like what you say about a, b, and c. But have you considered for x, y, and z..." - About close enough to make solid eye contact (say 15 feet or so) then a second or two after. The lack of good eye contact is usually the issue. - "I have to say I really enjoy chatting with you Dave, truly, sometimes it's crazy how our minds seem to run on the same train of thought. I have to catch a meeting in 5 but let's continue this soon. How about lunch later this week?" And then just a natural progression from there... if you guys both have significant others, couples night out. - Flip the table. If someone did something you admired and you thanked them, how would you feel if they didn't express some gratitude back? If you're charmingly self-deprecating that's one thing, but if not it could seem like you're basically saying "your opinion does not matter." A warm thank you is never egotistical.
peteretep 15y ago
> When discussing something with some one there are occasions when I'm genuinely curious as to why they have a certain line of reasoning. I want to ask "why do you think that?" but it always comes off condescending. The degree of condescension perceived here is going to be a function of /how/ you ask; but also realize that people often don't have good answers for their reasoning or can't articulate them well. If I'm going to delve in to someone's reasoning, I'll start with "that's interesting" - said as genuinely as possible. I want someone to think I'm asking because I'm /interested/, not because I'm trying to prove them wrong. I'll normally then start to ask them questions about their reasoning, rather than ask them for the reasoning straight out: "So does x mean that y is also true?" or similar. A small amount of prodding like this, and they will usually start to talk. People fundamentally consider their views and opinions to be both important and interesting - if you can /show/ interest in them, rather than worrying them that you've about to prove them wrong, then you'll get traction. > Is there a method/statement for suggesting an attempt at becoming friends with some one? "Hey, want to be friends" is unutterable for me. No matter how I imagine saying that line it feels pathetic. If I don't drink beer or coffee is there anything else to ask someone out to do in order to have some bonding time? I always use "Hey, are you on Facebook?" Facebook is a great way of making low-pressure bonds with people, although you'll have needed to build sufficient rapport first. Invite people to come to an event that you want to attend, that you think they'd be interested in. After the first few meets, it'll be way more normal to "just hang out" but people often want an excuse at first, so they're not worried it'll be awkward. > How to accept a compliment. Thanks or agreement feels egotistical. Trying to act as humble by playing it down doesn't seem to be received well either. Big smile, and "you're very kind". Then people don't know if you agreed, or you were being humble! Social win through obscurity :)
alok-g 15y ago
-When in a social situation, other than silence, ... I need help with this too. My approach currently has been to spot moments when I can ask questions that wouldn't be dumb. This works but not for long. Also, since moments of such questions may be infrequent, I find myself in purely listening mode often. One observation though. I find it a lot easier to handle this one in small groups (2-3 people including myself). Big groups like 5-20 people and I am usually just silent. Since I share many of these concerns, I wonder if it is this observation applies to other smart people too. -When some one brings up something sad or bad A "sorry to hear that" followed by a question of the sort "how did this happen?" helps. This shows your genuine concern, shifts the conversation to them, gives them a listener and thus comfort. Issue happens when you encounter someone who's always in such bad mood. -...curious as to why they have a certain line of reasoning. This is hard indeed. I start by saying, "Hmmm, never thought of it that way. My understanding on this so far was this and that ..." This takes the conversation along without offending them, though generally does not lead to consensus. Worst is when their line of reasoning is full of logical errors and inconsistencies, in which case you just don't bother. I have also tried, "Another possible line of reasoning is ...". Doesn't generally work. -hallway, how close should a person When far, I just wave "showing no intent of a conversation or expectation of an answer". Then, if and when close enough to the person, utter a few words. -Is there a method/statement for suggesting an attempt at becoming friends with some one? More often than you may realize, the issue is that the other party is also in the same situation as you. By starting the conversation first, no matter what you say, you can get the conversation going. Yet, I find this hard with some specific people who start the conversation (good), but by asking the question that you have no answer to. (E.g.: "Don't you take your wife around?". Neither of the answers "I do!" and "No I don't" works well.)
- ma2rten 15y ago
  Since I share many of these concerns, I wonder if it is this observation applies to other smart people too. Yes.
ChuckMcM 15y ago
* "When in a social situation, other than silence, how am I suppose to participate or excuse myself from participating in a discussion about american idol or some other topic to which I have no knowledge and may perhaps despise? Neither being quite, admitting I don't follow said topic are well received. Isn't there a positive way out of this dilemma?" * One way in which you might participate is to explore what the other person finds so fascinating about the topic. You may think its idiotic but they clearly don't, so rather than try to convince them of your point of view, find out theirs. Typical start "Oh did you see who got voted off idol last night!?" Response, "I haven't been keeping up, but it sounds like you were surprised by that, did you think that was the wrong choice?" Now you have done two things, one pointed out you have nothing to add in the discussion and two not made it seem like they are an idiot for watching it. They may have a reason behind their surprise, find out what it is, find out what kinds of music they like and why, did this person sing songs from that genre? Did they do poorly? As long as you realize it isn't a reflection on you that someone wants to talk about something you don't seek out, you can probably find some aspects of it that are at least entertaining.
- alextp 15y ago
  > One way in which you might participate is to explore what the other person finds so fascinating about the topic. You may think its idiotic but they clearly don't, so rather than try to convince them of your point of view, find out theirs. In my experience most people who follow the big fad of the day (royal wedding, big brother, american idol, etc) are never really fascinated by it. If you ask them "what fascinates you about american idol?", the answer you're most likely to hear is "wtf, what do you mean?". Many of these things are designed to be attention-grabbing and to encourage chattering about their consequences, even if there is absolutely nothing interesting or actually at stake in that. In this sort of situation I either (a) go talk to actually interesting people whenever someone starts blabbing about fad-of-the-day or (b) pretend to find it interesting and listen to what the person is saying only to be made bored very soon.
  - ChuckMcM 15y ago
    "In my experience most people who follow the big fad of the day (royal wedding, big brother, american idol, etc) are never really fascinated by it. If you ask them "what fascinates you about american idol?", the answer you're most likely to hear is "wtf, what do you mean?". Many of these things are designed to be attention-grabbing and to encourage chattering about their consequences, even if there is absolutely nothing interesting or actually at stake in that." Hmm, my experience is quite different here. Generally I find that people may start off with some big fad of the day because it's nominally a 'safe' topic and something which can start a conversation without offending or knowing another persons interests apriori. Almost any 'fad of the day' topic has a route into a more interesting topic. American idol - influence of music on society, what defines popular, changes in the music industry that make idol possible, etc. Royal wedding - the role of the monarchy in modern nation states, the role of weddings in changing fashion, is marriage as a concept out of date, etc. Big brother - voluntary surveillance vs involuntary, peoples behavior when they know they are being 'watched' vs not being watched, the role of 'reality' tv in the definition of morals in 21st century society. One of the things that can trip up folks is concluding that because someone just asked you your opinion on last night's American Idol decision they believe that the best use of your time would be watching American Idol. Take it as the equivalent of 'nice weather we're having today isn't it?' and you can often find a common discussion ground at the appropriate level.
jessedhillon 15y ago
> When in a social situation, other than silence, how am I suppose to participate or excuse myself from participating in a discussion about american idol or some other topic to which I have no knowledge and may perhaps despise? Try expressing curiosity in the other person's interest. Admit that you don't know the subject, but keep your opinion of it to yourself, and just ask questions about it. For example, what interests you about American Idol?
robotresearcher 15y ago
"If I don't drink beer or coffee is there anything else to ask someone out to do in order to have some bonding time?" You can tell them you're looking for something new to read/watch/listen to, and ask if they have any recommendations. Having a new person interested in your opinion is flattering. You can easily bond over shared tastes and experiences, and it's fun to learn new stuff. If you're interested in food, it's quite natural for a foodie chat to turn into dinner plans. You can also propose to try out a new place to get lunch. Lunch seems to be considered way less intimate than dinner, and has a naturally shortish time window so you can break it off without awkwardness.
nandemo 15y ago
> Is there a method/statement for suggesting an attempt at becoming friends with some one? Pick up a hobby that you can do with other people: sports, martial arts, improv comedy, dancing, etc. > "Hey, want to be friends" is unutterable for me. Well, that's not a problem with you, that approach is really weird.
bootload 15y ago
"... how close should a person be entering the hallway from the opposite direction be before I wave or say hello ..." From far away, Joe Navarro, "Impressing other at a distance - getting it right" ~ http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/spycatcher/201011/two-golden-opportunities-influence-others-part-1 http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/spycatcher/201011/two-go... then up close, "Influence - Up Close (Part Two) ~ http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/spycatcher/201102/influence-close-part-two http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/spycatcher/201102/influe...
deleted 15y ago
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astrofinch 15y ago
"When some one brings up something sad or bad that has happened is "I'm sorry to hear that" or "Don't worry, it will get better" really enough of a response? Frankly I find it hard to offer these "words of comfort" when I find no comfort in them myself. As a realistic person, I realize that sentiment does not alter a situation so it's hard to be encouraging. Should I just say them regardless?" One thing that could work in this situation is mirroring--something like "wow, I can't imagine how awful that must feel". In other words, communicate whatever the person is saying to you (through words, vocal tone, and body language) right back to them. "When discussing something with some one there are occasions when I'm genuinely curious as to why they have a certain line of reasoning. I want to ask "why do you think that?" but it always comes off condescending. This is especially true when perhaps we are discussing a problem and I know the solution and they do not. I want to know what the reasoning behind their solution is rather than just telling them it's wrong or what the correct solution is--however when trying to ask them their reasoning I can't come up with a way to do it without sounding condescending. Should I not bother?" How about "So what was your thinking here?" If that doesn't work, you could try being upfront: "OK, hm, I'm pretty sure that's wrong, but could you go ahead and explain your thinking to me anyway?" Then look thoughtful as the person explains their thinking, and then rub your chin as you say "OK, yeah, so I'm fairly sure that..." (Note the use of filler words and pauses at the beginning of sentences--I've found that if you hem and haw a lot when contradicting someone they seem to take it better.) "When walking leaving my office and entering the hallway, how close should a person be entering the hallway from the opposite direction be before I wave or say hello. If I wait to long, they think I ignore them. If I do it to early, then theres a great length of time that we are both still walking down the hall and having used my throw-away "Hey" I have nothing left to offer them. It's awkward." What works for me is to pretend that I don't see the person until we're close enough that there won't be much time to say anything beyond "hey". Another thing you could do is wave or salute when at a distance and leave the talking until you're closer. "Is there a method/statement for suggesting an attempt at becoming friends with some one? "Hey, want to be friends" is unutterable for me. No matter how I imagine saying that line it feels pathetic. If I don't drink beer or coffee is there anything else to ask someone out to do in order to have some bonding time?" Yeah, lunch :) If you want to be friends with someone, there's probably a reason. Maybe you tend to agree on things, maybe the person has some skill or ability that you respect, etc. So just telling the person straight up what you like about them could be a good way to indicate that you want to be friends. "How to accept a compliment. Thanks or agreement feels egotistical. Trying to act as humble by playing it down doesn't seem to be received well either." When I imagine myself saying thanks comfortably, here's what I'm doing: Saying "thank you" quickly while nodding downward and flexing my chin, thereby pushing my lower lip upward and outward in a sort of subtle, thoughtful smile. The pitch of my speech starts high and descends downwards rapidly. The emphasis is on the first syllable. My theory is that the downward nod is the most important part--by lowering my head, I'm subtly lowering my projected status as I accept the compliment, making me seem un-egotistical. Just using more syllables might also work well here: "Thank you, I appreciate that." The implication being that since you spent so many syllables expressing your thanks, the compliment the other person gave you was genuinely welcome for you to hear.
makmanalp 15y ago
Wow, so many of these are exactly stuff that I had to figure out, but I didn't know anyone else had them! Anyway, here's a few I know the answers to: - The hallway problem: The best way to mitigate this is to know something about the person. Then you can say "hey, how's that <insert thing here> coming?". Or, if your friend is wearing something interesting, say: "Hey, cool shirt!". - The magical friendship word: You don't really formally become friends with someone, say the phrase and have a ceremony and all that. Just start conversation or invite them to something you happen to be doing, like grabbing lunch or going to that <x> that you know the other person is also interested in. - Expressing sentiment: This isn't about helping, it's about sympathy and compassion. Of course it won't make the problem better, but it might make the person feel better. - Genuine curiosity: Just say "I'm not trying to be an ass, I'm really curious". And don't sound sarcastic while you do that. Does the job for me. - Participating in a conversation about things you know nothing about: Either don't come in with a positive / negative bias or just don't talk. If you do decide to talk, keep in mind there is always something interesting in everything. American Idol: "You mean these people give up their jobs for a year to just sing?" "I wonder why person <x> got selected when he's obviously a talentless moron" "I wonder what happens to the losers after the show is over". Wow, just talking about this stuff is awkward and makes me sound like a robot. I guess some people get it naturally and others like us don't.
asrk 15y ago
American Idol: Admit you don't follow, but act interested and ask a few questions here and there. If you have the opportunity, try to steer the conversation to topics that interest you along the way. I think what isn't well received is only if you act like watching things like that is a stupid waste of time. Sad situations: This one took me a while to figure out. When someone came to me with their problems, I alwas thought they were searching for a solution, so I offered my opinion on how to fix the issue. Mostly this was not so well received - I think because the person is stressed out to begin with and offering solutions gives them no excuse not to act on their problems. Most people only want emotional support, or as someone else said, their problems to be acknowledged; so a simple "I'm sorry to hear that." is usually enough. Listeing is better in these cases than talking. Ask for reasoning: You can also pretend not to understand them, to put the "stupiditiy" on yourself instead of them. "I don't really understand how you arrived at that conclusion, could you elaborate a little further?" Friends: Look for things you have in common with the other person, then try to arrange doing something together. If there's a movie you are both interested in, ask them to go see it with you. If they like you back, they'll most likely try to arrange to meet again. (Though sometimes you need to be persistent because others aren't that great at friend-making either.) Compliments: Show the other person that you appreciate the compliment, because it's not something you take for granted. I think this is more humble than totally discarding them.
Void_ 15y ago
Just observe what other people do.
StuffMaster 15y ago
>When discussing something with some one there are occasions when I'm genuinely curious as to why they have a certain line of reasoning. I want to ask "why do you think that?" but it always comes off condescending. Don't use an insulting or accusative tone, use a curious tone. It makes all the difference.
yef 15y ago
People relate to each other based on emotions, rather than facts, which is the basis for most "awkward smart guy" conversations. American Idol: "I've heard a lot about this show, but I haven't seen it yet. I wonder why it's so popular. It must really resonate with people for some reason. Why do you think it's so popular?" This should appeal to anyone who's reasonably smart, whether or not they're a fan of the show. Something sad or bad: First say "I'm sorry to hear that," and then empathize by relating a similar experience that you or your friend had. Show some vulnerability, show that you understand them by conveying the emotion from a real experience that you've had. People want to feel comforted by having companionship and feeling understood. Curious as to their line of reasoning: "Why do you think that?" is fine for other awkward smart people. Find a softer more polite way for everyone else. Also, allow the possibility they might be right. "Oh, that's interesting. I always thought XYZ was true, rather than ABC, but maybe you're thinking about it differently than I am." At what distance to say Hi: It doesn't matter, as long as you acknowledge them once a day, and everyone knows this sort of thing is silly. Establish eye contact somewhere around 7-10 feet away, acknowledge them with a smile or a Hey shortly after, like 5-7 feet. Making friends: Nope, beer and coffee are the basis of all friendships. Better start getting used to it! Accepting compliments: Say thank you without making a big deal out of it. It's not egotistical at all. If you want to lighten the mood, joke that you have them fooled, and you're really quite the opposite.
- deleted 15y ago
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nl 15y ago
American Idol (etc) is actually a pretty interesting exercise in game theory. The good singers know they need to keep something in reserve for the later rounds, but if they keep too much back then they get knocked out early. Plus there are things like song choice - someone wants to appear individual and interesting so they need to choose unique songs. But they want to appeal to the widest audience possible, which means popular, well known songs. Trade offs are always interesting. Try watching for a few weeks and you'll get the idea. Then you'll never need to watch it again, because you can reuse the same comments every year: ohhh.. he thought he was so good last week and played it too safe/She should have kept that song for later when she'd built up a better fanbase/etc etc
qeorge 15y ago
Just a couple general things I think could be helpful here: 1) In conversation, you should try to listen more than you speak. Remember, everyone loves to talk about something they're interested in, and have other people actually listen. (this is probably the crux of the original article - dorks love talking about their pet topics, as does everyone, but we think our topics are better and therefore its OK to hog a conversation). From Reddit, I got this gem. When you slip into boring "what do you do for a living?" / "what are you studying in school?" Q/A time, break out of it with "do you like it?" For example: You: So what are you studying in school? Stranger: Chemistry You: Do you like it? Stranger: Well, I do, but blah blah blah... Works shockingly well. 2) Sad moments,bad things have happened - this is a really hard one. I've taken to complete honesty - "that sucks man. I hate that happened to you." Then I shut up, hug them if appropriate, and let them talk more about it if they want to. In these moments, people want to be heard, but they don't want a solution. 3) Situations where you know you're right, and the other person would be interested in knowing, but you don't want to be a dick - Start with, "I don't know much about this, but I did read the Wikipedia page the other day...(smile)" Everyone accepts Wikipedia as correct, and everyone uses it. So it turns the frame from "I'm smarter than you" to "I happened to Google it first". 4) When to say "hi"when people approach Tough one. What I do is smile all the time and try to make eye contact from 10-15 feet out (I generally try to look up though, so this doesn't seem jarring). Then I say "Hi", continue the big smile and eye contact as we pass. Seems to work well for me, especially if I remember that no one is good at this situation, and they aren't judging me. 5) Making friends - just say "let's hang out." For me, "let's grab a beer" is easy, but I don't see how that wouldn't work for anything else. Sports are fun, you could try inviting a coworker to a baseball game or something. No need to overthink this one. People are nice, and they like making friends. 6) Accepting compliments - super hard. What works for me is big smile, look down a bit like I'm slightly embarrassed, and say "Wow, you made my day." 7) In general, smile all the time, even if it feels forced. You'll find that your own mood will be so much better, and a good smile can make another person's day better. If you do one thing, just make a point to smile, and you'll see a night and day difference. Anecdotally, I often have long hair and a beard, so if I don't smile, people think I'm aggressive, standoffish, antisocial, mad, whatever (100% untrue). If I make a point to smile, people see me as accepting, non-judgemental, and friendly - which is what I hope to be. Best of luck! If you're in Raleigh, I'm always up to hang out with new people.
ChrisMac 15y ago
>I'd really love a guide for social situations that would >actually be of use. You may want to check out http://www.succeedsocially.com http://www.succeedsocially.com. It's helped me more than anything else with my own awkwardness around people. It's free and has a nice no-bullshit attitude to it.
luciferous 15y ago
Forget the other replies. The key to avoiding social awkwardness is all about broadcasting your expectations, and reading (then responding to) others' expectations. Socially awkward people tend to be poor broadcasters of what they expect from others, similarly they tend to be poor at reading what others expect from them. If you want to be less socially awkward, you must communicate your expectations to others. Look at yourself in the mirror and make sure your face and body language are communicating what you intended. Once you've learned this, you'll see that the real problem is how to deal with people who communicate their expectation of you for a response that you don't want to give.
- ChrisMac 15y ago
  I'm not sure what you mean. Can you give an example of an expectation that someone would need to broadcast to others?
  - luciferous 15y ago
    Let's bring back the example in the parent: you see a coworker down the hall, wave, then walk towards him only to pass him awkwardly. In this scenario, the wave coupled with walking towards a person sends a signal like "I have something to say to you." The awkwardness is caused because there was an expectation set up that was not what you intended. Also, the next time he sees you down the hallway he'll feel like he has to wave since that is what you did before. Instead, consider this: just ignore the guy, if he waves or says Hi, just nod while you pass him. It might seem rude/dismissive at first, but if you have no underlying reason for malice and you can prove that at a subsequent interaction (e.g. conversation at a water cooler) then what you'll have done is set up an expectation that you don't want to be bothered when you're walking from point A to point B.
JanezStupar 15y ago
Since everything else was already covered by others except of "How to accept a compliment" - here is my take. My response usually is: "Thank you very much, I'm glad you noticed it." Or something in the general direction. When I am also certain of stellar job I did I usually add: "I try very hard to get it right." Some people might take it as egotistical - but in my experience it is usually the real egotists trying to get you out of the way. I don't go around telling people how awesome I am - but when somebody thinks so, I make the most of it. I also try to pass along credit - by notifying the complimentor of who helped me out and by passing compliment along to those I put forward. I never play it down - since that might insult the complimentor. The general philosophy is what my mother taught me: "When somebody offers you something - you should gratefully accept. If you have no use for what you received then you find someone who does and pass it along."

tokenadult 15y ago

When some one brings up something sad or bad that has happened is "I'm sorry to hear that" or "Don't worry, it will get better" really enough of a response? You ask a very important question, because we all have occasion to hear other people's announcements of bad news. Expressing some sympathy is better than doing nothing, and is (if my experience is any guide) comforting to the person who announced the bad news. Among my several hundred Facebook friends (many of whom I know mostly via common subscription to email lists discussing parenting issues), there are friends who I don't know WELL, and whom I am unable to give any practical help, who nonetheless seem to appreciate me saying things like "Get well soon" or "I hope you get over that in a while" or even just "That's rough." Just acknowledging a fellow human being's common trouble from being part of the human condition seems to help somewhat. Perhaps I haven't given you a great deal of practical help by this reply, but I did want to reply to acknowledge that you are grappling with a tough problem.

rdtsc 15y ago
When saying those things in-person it matters how you say it just as much as what you say. Sometimes, if it is a co-worker that you don't talk much with, and it feels a little too awkward to say "sorry for you loss", it might be easier to offer to take some work off of them or help them with something else. Stuff like "I noticed you have this bug in your queue, assign it me if you like".

stuntgoat 15y ago

giberson said: """-When walking leaving my office and entering the hallway, how close should a person be entering the hallway from the opposite direction be before I wave or say hello. If I wait to long, they think I ignore them. If I do it to early, then theres a great length of time that we are both still walking down the hall and having used my throw-away "Hey" I have nothing left to offer them. It's awkward.""" 1) I would recommend playing music. Playing music of any kind can allow you to become a better listener and help with timing your response or initial request/comment/gesture. 2) Be sincere; be empathetic. 3) Have fun.

johnnyjustice 15y ago
Dude you are so right about playing music thats quite a theory you got there, all the people i know that play instruments are good listeners
johnnyjustice 15y ago
Dude you are so right about playing music thats quite a theory you got there, all the people i know that play instruments are good listeners
johnnyjustice 15y ago
Dude you are so right about playing music thats quite a theory you got there, all the people i know that play instruments are good listeners

spicycat 15y ago

1 - Try taking a small step back away from the group, this will signify that you would rather listen. Once in this position, you can escape ('go mingle') more easily. 2 - Words of comfort really don't help, they're more of a tribal signal. They're still necessary. 3 - Try saying "I'm not sure how you got to this step/result, could you explain it in more detail for me?" 4 - About 1-2 seconds of travel away. 5 - Talk about what they like, try to find common interests. Most people won't refuse a snack or dessert either. 6 - It's just "Thank you", then shut up and wait. Anything else doesn't work.

bedris 15y ago

How to accept a compliment. Thanks or agreement feels egotistical. Trying to act as humble by playing it down doesn't seem to be received well either. "The refusal of praise is only the wish to be praised twice." - Francois de La Rochefoucauld

jonmc12 15y ago

"How to accept a compliment. Thanks or agreement feels egotistical." Say thanks and smile.

robotresearcher 15y ago
But smile bashfully, as if you weren't expecting the compliment and are a little embarrassed by the attention. Do your basking in the glorious glow on the inside only.

boredguy8 15y ago

"How to accept a compliment. Thanks or agreement feels egotistical. Trying to act as humble by playing it down doesn't seem to be received well either." I'm now in the habit of accepting and reflecting. Not only is it generous, it also tends to be true. "Wow, Bob, you got N done really fast and you did a great job, thanks!" "My pleasure, Steve - I couldn't have done it without Mary's help." Getting in the habit of forcing myself to give others credit _really_ opened my eyes to how solo efforts are still group efforts: "My pleasure, Steve - I couldn't have done it without Mary picking up my other clients' work during this project." Worst case scenario, where you're convinced it really is solo work or where deflecting 'correctly' takes too much explanation, accept and deflect to the praiser. "My pleasure, Steve. Thanks for saying something." I'm not sure this approach is "right", but it's what I've been doing in the face of the dilemma you mention.

natural219 15y ago
This may be the most "socially smooth" way of handling the situation, but be careful about the classic tooting-your-own-horn problem. In some situations, it may be "socially awkward" or egotistical to take a compliment directly to yourself, but it may be advantageous for your position. Basically, try to be as nice and polite as possible; just avoid getting shat on.

brandall10 15y ago

- Either crack a joke and direct the conversation to something else, grin and bear it, or if possible calmly slip away for a few minutes. - What you say is not nearly as important as listening. Let their words be your guide. Sometimes just good eye contact, nodding, and "I understand" are more than enough. - Acknowledge the value in their reasoning and then pivot into a discussion about it. "Hmm... I've never thought about it like that before. I like what you say about a, b, and c. But have you considered for x, y, and z..." - About close enough to make solid eye contact (say 15 feet or so) then a second or two after. The lack of good eye contact is usually the issue. - "I have to say I really enjoy chatting with you Dave, truly, sometimes it's crazy how our minds seem to run on the same train of thought. I have to catch a meeting in 5 but let's continue this soon. How about lunch later this week?" And then just a natural progression from there... if you guys both have significant others, couples night out. - Flip the table. If someone did something you admired and you thanked them, how would you feel if they didn't express some gratitude back? If you're charmingly self-deprecating that's one thing, but if not it could seem like you're basically saying "your opinion does not matter." A warm thank you is never egotistical.

peteretep 15y ago

> When discussing something with some one there are occasions when I'm genuinely curious as to why they have a certain line of reasoning. I want to ask "why do you think that?" but it always comes off condescending. The degree of condescension perceived here is going to be a function of /how/ you ask; but also realize that people often don't have good answers for their reasoning or can't articulate them well. If I'm going to delve in to someone's reasoning, I'll start with "that's interesting" - said as genuinely as possible. I want someone to think I'm asking because I'm /interested/, not because I'm trying to prove them wrong. I'll normally then start to ask them questions about their reasoning, rather than ask them for the reasoning straight out: "So does x mean that y is also true?" or similar. A small amount of prodding like this, and they will usually start to talk. People fundamentally consider their views and opinions to be both important and interesting - if you can /show/ interest in them, rather than worrying them that you've about to prove them wrong, then you'll get traction. > Is there a method/statement for suggesting an attempt at becoming friends with some one? "Hey, want to be friends" is unutterable for me. No matter how I imagine saying that line it feels pathetic. If I don't drink beer or coffee is there anything else to ask someone out to do in order to have some bonding time? I always use "Hey, are you on Facebook?" Facebook is a great way of making low-pressure bonds with people, although you'll have needed to build sufficient rapport first. Invite people to come to an event that you want to attend, that you think they'd be interested in. After the first few meets, it'll be way more normal to "just hang out" but people often want an excuse at first, so they're not worried it'll be awkward. > How to accept a compliment. Thanks or agreement feels egotistical. Trying to act as humble by playing it down doesn't seem to be received well either. Big smile, and "you're very kind". Then people don't know if you agreed, or you were being humble! Social win through obscurity :)

alok-g 15y ago

-When in a social situation, other than silence, ... I need help with this too. My approach currently has been to spot moments when I can ask questions that wouldn't be dumb. This works but not for long. Also, since moments of such questions may be infrequent, I find myself in purely listening mode often. One observation though. I find it a lot easier to handle this one in small groups (2-3 people including myself). Big groups like 5-20 people and I am usually just silent. Since I share many of these concerns, I wonder if it is this observation applies to other smart people too. -When some one brings up something sad or bad A "sorry to hear that" followed by a question of the sort "how did this happen?" helps. This shows your genuine concern, shifts the conversation to them, gives them a listener and thus comfort. Issue happens when you encounter someone who's always in such bad mood. -...curious as to why they have a certain line of reasoning. This is hard indeed. I start by saying, "Hmmm, never thought of it that way. My understanding on this so far was this and that ..." This takes the conversation along without offending them, though generally does not lead to consensus. Worst is when their line of reasoning is full of logical errors and inconsistencies, in which case you just don't bother. I have also tried, "Another possible line of reasoning is ...". Doesn't generally work. -hallway, how close should a person When far, I just wave "showing no intent of a conversation or expectation of an answer". Then, if and when close enough to the person, utter a few words. -Is there a method/statement for suggesting an attempt at becoming friends with some one? More often than you may realize, the issue is that the other party is also in the same situation as you. By starting the conversation first, no matter what you say, you can get the conversation going. Yet, I find this hard with some specific people who start the conversation (good), but by asking the question that you have no answer to. (E.g.: "Don't you take your wife around?". Neither of the answers "I do!" and "No I don't" works well.)

ma2rten 15y ago
Since I share many of these concerns, I wonder if it is this observation applies to other smart people too. Yes.

ChuckMcM 15y ago

* "When in a social situation, other than silence, how am I suppose to participate or excuse myself from participating in a discussion about american idol or some other topic to which I have no knowledge and may perhaps despise? Neither being quite, admitting I don't follow said topic are well received. Isn't there a positive way out of this dilemma?" * One way in which you might participate is to explore what the other person finds so fascinating about the topic. You may think its idiotic but they clearly don't, so rather than try to convince them of your point of view, find out theirs. Typical start "Oh did you see who got voted off idol last night!?" Response, "I haven't been keeping up, but it sounds like you were surprised by that, did you think that was the wrong choice?" Now you have done two things, one pointed out you have nothing to add in the discussion and two not made it seem like they are an idiot for watching it. They may have a reason behind their surprise, find out what it is, find out what kinds of music they like and why, did this person sing songs from that genre? Did they do poorly? As long as you realize it isn't a reflection on you that someone wants to talk about something you don't seek out, you can probably find some aspects of it that are at least entertaining.

alextp 15y ago
> One way in which you might participate is to explore what the other person finds so fascinating about the topic. You may think its idiotic but they clearly don't, so rather than try to convince them of your point of view, find out theirs. In my experience most people who follow the big fad of the day (royal wedding, big brother, american idol, etc) are never really fascinated by it. If you ask them "what fascinates you about american idol?", the answer you're most likely to hear is "wtf, what do you mean?". Many of these things are designed to be attention-grabbing and to encourage chattering about their consequences, even if there is absolutely nothing interesting or actually at stake in that. In this sort of situation I either (a) go talk to actually interesting people whenever someone starts blabbing about fad-of-the-day or (b) pretend to find it interesting and listen to what the person is saying only to be made bored very soon.
- ChuckMcM 15y ago
  "In my experience most people who follow the big fad of the day (royal wedding, big brother, american idol, etc) are never really fascinated by it. If you ask them "what fascinates you about american idol?", the answer you're most likely to hear is "wtf, what do you mean?". Many of these things are designed to be attention-grabbing and to encourage chattering about their consequences, even if there is absolutely nothing interesting or actually at stake in that." Hmm, my experience is quite different here. Generally I find that people may start off with some big fad of the day because it's nominally a 'safe' topic and something which can start a conversation without offending or knowing another persons interests apriori. Almost any 'fad of the day' topic has a route into a more interesting topic. American idol - influence of music on society, what defines popular, changes in the music industry that make idol possible, etc. Royal wedding - the role of the monarchy in modern nation states, the role of weddings in changing fashion, is marriage as a concept out of date, etc. Big brother - voluntary surveillance vs involuntary, peoples behavior when they know they are being 'watched' vs not being watched, the role of 'reality' tv in the definition of morals in 21st century society. One of the things that can trip up folks is concluding that because someone just asked you your opinion on last night's American Idol decision they believe that the best use of your time would be watching American Idol. Take it as the equivalent of 'nice weather we're having today isn't it?' and you can often find a common discussion ground at the appropriate level.

jessedhillon 15y ago

> When in a social situation, other than silence, how am I suppose to participate or excuse myself from participating in a discussion about american idol or some other topic to which I have no knowledge and may perhaps despise? Try expressing curiosity in the other person's interest. Admit that you don't know the subject, but keep your opinion of it to yourself, and just ask questions about it. For example, what interests you about American Idol?

robotresearcher 15y ago

"If I don't drink beer or coffee is there anything else to ask someone out to do in order to have some bonding time?" You can tell them you're looking for something new to read/watch/listen to, and ask if they have any recommendations. Having a new person interested in your opinion is flattering. You can easily bond over shared tastes and experiences, and it's fun to learn new stuff. If you're interested in food, it's quite natural for a foodie chat to turn into dinner plans. You can also propose to try out a new place to get lunch. Lunch seems to be considered way less intimate than dinner, and has a naturally shortish time window so you can break it off without awkwardness.

nandemo 15y ago

> Is there a method/statement for suggesting an attempt at becoming friends with some one? Pick up a hobby that you can do with other people: sports, martial arts, improv comedy, dancing, etc. > "Hey, want to be friends" is unutterable for me. Well, that's not a problem with you, that approach is really weird.

bootload 15y ago

"... how close should a person be entering the hallway from the opposite direction be before I wave or say hello ..." From far away, Joe Navarro, "Impressing other at a distance - getting it right" ~ http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/spycatcher/201011/two-golden-opportunities-influence-others-part-1 http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/spycatcher/201011/two-go... then up close, "Influence - Up Close (Part Two) ~ http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/spycatcher/201102/influence-close-part-two http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/spycatcher/201102/influe...

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astrofinch 15y ago

"When some one brings up something sad or bad that has happened is "I'm sorry to hear that" or "Don't worry, it will get better" really enough of a response? Frankly I find it hard to offer these "words of comfort" when I find no comfort in them myself. As a realistic person, I realize that sentiment does not alter a situation so it's hard to be encouraging. Should I just say them regardless?" One thing that could work in this situation is mirroring--something like "wow, I can't imagine how awful that must feel". In other words, communicate whatever the person is saying to you (through words, vocal tone, and body language) right back to them. "When discussing something with some one there are occasions when I'm genuinely curious as to why they have a certain line of reasoning. I want to ask "why do you think that?" but it always comes off condescending. This is especially true when perhaps we are discussing a problem and I know the solution and they do not. I want to know what the reasoning behind their solution is rather than just telling them it's wrong or what the correct solution is--however when trying to ask them their reasoning I can't come up with a way to do it without sounding condescending. Should I not bother?" How about "So what was your thinking here?" If that doesn't work, you could try being upfront: "OK, hm, I'm pretty sure that's wrong, but could you go ahead and explain your thinking to me anyway?" Then look thoughtful as the person explains their thinking, and then rub your chin as you say "OK, yeah, so I'm fairly sure that..." (Note the use of filler words and pauses at the beginning of sentences--I've found that if you hem and haw a lot when contradicting someone they seem to take it better.) "When walking leaving my office and entering the hallway, how close should a person be entering the hallway from the opposite direction be before I wave or say hello. If I wait to long, they think I ignore them. If I do it to early, then theres a great length of time that we are both still walking down the hall and having used my throw-away "Hey" I have nothing left to offer them. It's awkward." What works for me is to pretend that I don't see the person until we're close enough that there won't be much time to say anything beyond "hey". Another thing you could do is wave or salute when at a distance and leave the talking until you're closer. "Is there a method/statement for suggesting an attempt at becoming friends with some one? "Hey, want to be friends" is unutterable for me. No matter how I imagine saying that line it feels pathetic. If I don't drink beer or coffee is there anything else to ask someone out to do in order to have some bonding time?" Yeah, lunch :) If you want to be friends with someone, there's probably a reason. Maybe you tend to agree on things, maybe the person has some skill or ability that you respect, etc. So just telling the person straight up what you like about them could be a good way to indicate that you want to be friends. "How to accept a compliment. Thanks or agreement feels egotistical. Trying to act as humble by playing it down doesn't seem to be received well either." When I imagine myself saying thanks comfortably, here's what I'm doing: Saying "thank you" quickly while nodding downward and flexing my chin, thereby pushing my lower lip upward and outward in a sort of subtle, thoughtful smile. The pitch of my speech starts high and descends downwards rapidly. The emphasis is on the first syllable. My theory is that the downward nod is the most important part--by lowering my head, I'm subtly lowering my projected status as I accept the compliment, making me seem un-egotistical. Just using more syllables might also work well here: "Thank you, I appreciate that." The implication being that since you spent so many syllables expressing your thanks, the compliment the other person gave you was genuinely welcome for you to hear.

makmanalp 15y ago

Wow, so many of these are exactly stuff that I had to figure out, but I didn't know anyone else had them! Anyway, here's a few I know the answers to: - The hallway problem: The best way to mitigate this is to know something about the person. Then you can say "hey, how's that <insert thing here> coming?". Or, if your friend is wearing something interesting, say: "Hey, cool shirt!". - The magical friendship word: You don't really formally become friends with someone, say the phrase and have a ceremony and all that. Just start conversation or invite them to something you happen to be doing, like grabbing lunch or going to that <x> that you know the other person is also interested in. - Expressing sentiment: This isn't about helping, it's about sympathy and compassion. Of course it won't make the problem better, but it might make the person feel better. - Genuine curiosity: Just say "I'm not trying to be an ass, I'm really curious". And don't sound sarcastic while you do that. Does the job for me. - Participating in a conversation about things you know nothing about: Either don't come in with a positive / negative bias or just don't talk. If you do decide to talk, keep in mind there is always something interesting in everything. American Idol: "You mean these people give up their jobs for a year to just sing?" "I wonder why person <x> got selected when he's obviously a talentless moron" "I wonder what happens to the losers after the show is over". Wow, just talking about this stuff is awkward and makes me sound like a robot. I guess some people get it naturally and others like us don't.

asrk 15y ago

American Idol: Admit you don't follow, but act interested and ask a few questions here and there. If you have the opportunity, try to steer the conversation to topics that interest you along the way. I think what isn't well received is only if you act like watching things like that is a stupid waste of time. Sad situations: This one took me a while to figure out. When someone came to me with their problems, I alwas thought they were searching for a solution, so I offered my opinion on how to fix the issue. Mostly this was not so well received - I think because the person is stressed out to begin with and offering solutions gives them no excuse not to act on their problems. Most people only want emotional support, or as someone else said, their problems to be acknowledged; so a simple "I'm sorry to hear that." is usually enough. Listeing is better in these cases than talking. Ask for reasoning: You can also pretend not to understand them, to put the "stupiditiy" on yourself instead of them. "I don't really understand how you arrived at that conclusion, could you elaborate a little further?" Friends: Look for things you have in common with the other person, then try to arrange doing something together. If there's a movie you are both interested in, ask them to go see it with you. If they like you back, they'll most likely try to arrange to meet again. (Though sometimes you need to be persistent because others aren't that great at friend-making either.) Compliments: Show the other person that you appreciate the compliment, because it's not something you take for granted. I think this is more humble than totally discarding them.

Void_ 15y ago

Just observe what other people do.

StuffMaster 15y ago

yef 15y ago

People relate to each other based on emotions, rather than facts, which is the basis for most "awkward smart guy" conversations. American Idol: "I've heard a lot about this show, but I haven't seen it yet. I wonder why it's so popular. It must really resonate with people for some reason. Why do you think it's so popular?" This should appeal to anyone who's reasonably smart, whether or not they're a fan of the show. Something sad or bad: First say "I'm sorry to hear that," and then empathize by relating a similar experience that you or your friend had. Show some vulnerability, show that you understand them by conveying the emotion from a real experience that you've had. People want to feel comforted by having companionship and feeling understood. Curious as to their line of reasoning: "Why do you think that?" is fine for other awkward smart people. Find a softer more polite way for everyone else. Also, allow the possibility they might be right. "Oh, that's interesting. I always thought XYZ was true, rather than ABC, but maybe you're thinking about it differently than I am." At what distance to say Hi: It doesn't matter, as long as you acknowledge them once a day, and everyone knows this sort of thing is silly. Establish eye contact somewhere around 7-10 feet away, acknowledge them with a smile or a Hey shortly after, like 5-7 feet. Making friends: Nope, beer and coffee are the basis of all friendships. Better start getting used to it! Accepting compliments: Say thank you without making a big deal out of it. It's not egotistical at all. If you want to lighten the mood, joke that you have them fooled, and you're really quite the opposite.

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nl 15y ago

American Idol (etc) is actually a pretty interesting exercise in game theory. The good singers know they need to keep something in reserve for the later rounds, but if they keep too much back then they get knocked out early. Plus there are things like song choice - someone wants to appear individual and interesting so they need to choose unique songs. But they want to appeal to the widest audience possible, which means popular, well known songs. Trade offs are always interesting. Try watching for a few weeks and you'll get the idea. Then you'll never need to watch it again, because you can reuse the same comments every year: ohhh.. he thought he was so good last week and played it too safe/She should have kept that song for later when she'd built up a better fanbase/etc etc

qeorge 15y ago

Just a couple general things I think could be helpful here: 1) In conversation, you should try to listen more than you speak. Remember, everyone loves to talk about something they're interested in, and have other people actually listen. (this is probably the crux of the original article - dorks love talking about their pet topics, as does everyone, but we think our topics are better and therefore its OK to hog a conversation). From Reddit, I got this gem. When you slip into boring "what do you do for a living?" / "what are you studying in school?" Q/A time, break out of it with "do you like it?" For example: You: So what are you studying in school? Stranger: Chemistry You: Do you like it? Stranger: Well, I do, but blah blah blah... Works shockingly well. 2) Sad moments,bad things have happened - this is a really hard one. I've taken to complete honesty - "that sucks man. I hate that happened to you." Then I shut up, hug them if appropriate, and let them talk more about it if they want to. In these moments, people want to be heard, but they don't want a solution. 3) Situations where you know you're right, and the other person would be interested in knowing, but you don't want to be a dick - Start with, "I don't know much about this, but I did read the Wikipedia page the other day...(smile)" Everyone accepts Wikipedia as correct, and everyone uses it. So it turns the frame from "I'm smarter than you" to "I happened to Google it first". 4) When to say "hi"when people approach Tough one. What I do is smile all the time and try to make eye contact from 10-15 feet out (I generally try to look up though, so this doesn't seem jarring). Then I say "Hi", continue the big smile and eye contact as we pass. Seems to work well for me, especially if I remember that no one is good at this situation, and they aren't judging me. 5) Making friends - just say "let's hang out." For me, "let's grab a beer" is easy, but I don't see how that wouldn't work for anything else. Sports are fun, you could try inviting a coworker to a baseball game or something. No need to overthink this one. People are nice, and they like making friends. 6) Accepting compliments - super hard. What works for me is big smile, look down a bit like I'm slightly embarrassed, and say "Wow, you made my day." 7) In general, smile all the time, even if it feels forced. You'll find that your own mood will be so much better, and a good smile can make another person's day better. If you do one thing, just make a point to smile, and you'll see a night and day difference. Anecdotally, I often have long hair and a beard, so if I don't smile, people think I'm aggressive, standoffish, antisocial, mad, whatever (100% untrue). If I make a point to smile, people see me as accepting, non-judgemental, and friendly - which is what I hope to be. Best of luck! If you're in Raleigh, I'm always up to hang out with new people.

ChrisMac 15y ago

>I'd really love a guide for social situations that would >actually be of use. You may want to check out http://www.succeedsocially.com http://www.succeedsocially.com. It's helped me more than anything else with my own awkwardness around people. It's free and has a nice no-bullshit attitude to it.

luciferous 15y ago

Forget the other replies. The key to avoiding social awkwardness is all about broadcasting your expectations, and reading (then responding to) others' expectations. Socially awkward people tend to be poor broadcasters of what they expect from others, similarly they tend to be poor at reading what others expect from them. If you want to be less socially awkward, you must communicate your expectations to others. Look at yourself in the mirror and make sure your face and body language are communicating what you intended. Once you've learned this, you'll see that the real problem is how to deal with people who communicate their expectation of you for a response that you don't want to give.

ChrisMac 15y ago
I'm not sure what you mean. Can you give an example of an expectation that someone would need to broadcast to others?
- luciferous 15y ago
  Let's bring back the example in the parent: you see a coworker down the hall, wave, then walk towards him only to pass him awkwardly. In this scenario, the wave coupled with walking towards a person sends a signal like "I have something to say to you." The awkwardness is caused because there was an expectation set up that was not what you intended. Also, the next time he sees you down the hallway he'll feel like he has to wave since that is what you did before. Instead, consider this: just ignore the guy, if he waves or says Hi, just nod while you pass him. It might seem rude/dismissive at first, but if you have no underlying reason for malice and you can prove that at a subsequent interaction (e.g. conversation at a water cooler) then what you'll have done is set up an expectation that you don't want to be bothered when you're walking from point A to point B.

JanezStupar 15y ago

Since everything else was already covered by others except of "How to accept a compliment" - here is my take. My response usually is: "Thank you very much, I'm glad you noticed it." Or something in the general direction. When I am also certain of stellar job I did I usually add: "I try very hard to get it right." Some people might take it as egotistical - but in my experience it is usually the real egotists trying to get you out of the way. I don't go around telling people how awesome I am - but when somebody thinks so, I make the most of it. I also try to pass along credit - by notifying the complimentor of who helped me out and by passing compliment along to those I put forward. I never play it down - since that might insult the complimentor. The general philosophy is what my mother taught me: "When somebody offers you something - you should gratefully accept. If you have no use for what you received then you find someone who does and pass it along."