5 ms·

I suspect that after a few years, a lot (if not most) of "regular" couples are de facto platonic and don't have romantic feelings. In a sense, these guys just s

I suspect that after a few years, a lot (if not most) of "regular" couples are de facto platonic and don't have romantic feelings. In a sense, these guys just skip the first step of sex, romance and infatuation.

dhimes 6y ago
It'll be interesting if it works backwards— if they grow to have a romantic interest in each other.
- ryanmarsh 6y ago
  You can grown to love someone the same as you can grow to hate them.
- derbOac 6y ago
  I think it almost is guaranteed to at least sometimes, if it's not already there from the beginning. I am deeply skeptical of claims of a platonic relationship in which the couple is having sex to conceive (per the article). It seems almost by definition not platonic at that point. It think the "platonic" schema is what binds the couple. A couple where the members are saying they don't want romance etc but are having sex and raising children over the long haul might just be expressing a mutual interest in a form of relational style, just like other couples that express a desire for a different relational style. If you have two people who don't want to admit they want a relationship, or want some basics but not the warm and fuzzies most people are looking for, you'd end up with something like this.
norswap 6y ago
There's probably research on that.
tokai 6y ago
It seems like you are wrong. "Contrary to what has been widely believed, long-term romantic love (with intensity, sexual interest, and engagement, but without the obsessive element common in new relationships), appears to be a real phenomenon that may be enhancing to individuals’ lives—positively associated with marital satisfaction, mental health, and overall well-being. [...] long-term marriage does not necessarily kill the romance in one's relationship" https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/10.1037/a0014226 https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/10.1037/a0014226
- buddhiajuke 6y ago
  This is the case in my marriage, but not in my parents’. They are musicians, artists, perform together and/or take active stakes in each other’s careers. They weren’t sexual as I was growing up (I’m not giving intimate details here) but they had this whole other source of cohesion. A much greater one indeed — I have fond sexual memories but my parents have dozens of live albums at cool venues. Then, maybe all of this anomie is a disease of affluence. The other thing that united my parents was that, well, they had to fight for survival and for the means if giving us kids a decent childhood experience. Maybe that alone works like continuous shared trauma, us-two-against-the-world.
- PunchTornado 6y ago
  of course there are couples like that. OP was asking about the majority. is the majority like that? that study you linked doesn't seek to answer this question.
  - tokai 6y ago
    OP had a hunch and I provided something that wasn't just an opinion. If you then looked at the literature you could have pointed out that some research support an erosion theory of relationship satisfaction. I could have answered back that there is evidence that relationship satisfaction is a huge factor for relationship stability (who would have known), and stability should support relationship longevity. In the end we wouldn't be that much closer to a sure answer to the question, but we would all have learned something worthwhile about the topic. It's a large and sprawling field of research. Why don't you dig into it yourself?
    - ac42 6y ago
      https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=24962121 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=24962121
- srtjstjsj 6y ago
  That article says romance exists, not that it's the majority situation. Even leaving aside unromantic surviving marriages, the high divorce rate is strong evidence.
andrewmcwatters 6y ago
Are you male, under 30, and unmarried? Because this seems like a wildly out of touch statement.
peteretep 6y ago
> By September, they had conceived – naturally – and were pregnant Don’t think they skipped the sex step.
tharne 6y ago
I suspect you're a young, unmarried, man. You know who has a lot of sex? Married people.
- username90 6y ago
  You know who has more sex? Unmarried couples. Sex frequency goes down with relationship duration. So if you want to have lots of sex you want to go between relationships instead of staying a long time in one. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-passion-paradox/201206/the-ins-and-outs-sexual-frequency#:~:text=Married%20couples%20report%20having%20sex,less%20than%20twice%20a%20week).&text=In%20one%20study%20of%2016%2C000,often%20(once%20a%20week) https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-passion-paradox/....
  - watwut 6y ago
    That assumes the person in question is moving from relationship to relationship quickly, as opposed to more common pattern of long stretches of time with no relationship.
  - ivanfat 6y ago
    Agreed.
steve76 6y ago
Dad lives a life without limits and runs off to Belize with John McAffee and the rest of the corporate team. Mom runs away a month later when the junkie she moved in starts OD'ing and beating her. Everyone forgets about the kid. At best he's someone who just lives in a house of a couple dozen people dumped on society roaming feral neighborhoods. At worst he is a living moving toxic wasteland leaving a trail of dead bodies in his wake until he's killed in prison under a commuted death sentence, leaving one more murderer and murder victim in the world.
ryanmarsh 6y ago
If you are correct then why get married at all? Anecdotally many are in unhappy marriages but we also have no-fault divorce. So you can end it if need be. I suspect you are wrong though. If everyone has an exit to take and everyone wants to take the exit, aside from a cohort that cannot take the exit, why don’t they?
- bilbo0s 6y ago
  Divorce statistics say that a lot of people do take the exit. But, yes, statistics also say that a lot of those people get remarried. So if people keep getting married over and over, they must like it for some reason.
- deleted 6y ago
  [deleted]

dhimes 6y ago

It'll be interesting if it works backwards— if they grow to have a romantic interest in each other.

ryanmarsh 6y ago
You can grown to love someone the same as you can grow to hate them.
derbOac 6y ago
I think it almost is guaranteed to at least sometimes, if it's not already there from the beginning. I am deeply skeptical of claims of a platonic relationship in which the couple is having sex to conceive (per the article). It seems almost by definition not platonic at that point. It think the "platonic" schema is what binds the couple. A couple where the members are saying they don't want romance etc but are having sex and raising children over the long haul might just be expressing a mutual interest in a form of relational style, just like other couples that express a desire for a different relational style. If you have two people who don't want to admit they want a relationship, or want some basics but not the warm and fuzzies most people are looking for, you'd end up with something like this.

norswap 6y ago

There's probably research on that.

tokai 6y ago

It seems like you are wrong. "Contrary to what has been widely believed, long-term romantic love (with intensity, sexual interest, and engagement, but without the obsessive element common in new relationships), appears to be a real phenomenon that may be enhancing to individuals’ lives—positively associated with marital satisfaction, mental health, and overall well-being. [...] long-term marriage does not necessarily kill the romance in one's relationship" https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/10.1037/a0014226 https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/10.1037/a0014226

buddhiajuke 6y ago
This is the case in my marriage, but not in my parents’. They are musicians, artists, perform together and/or take active stakes in each other’s careers. They weren’t sexual as I was growing up (I’m not giving intimate details here) but they had this whole other source of cohesion. A much greater one indeed — I have fond sexual memories but my parents have dozens of live albums at cool venues. Then, maybe all of this anomie is a disease of affluence. The other thing that united my parents was that, well, they had to fight for survival and for the means if giving us kids a decent childhood experience. Maybe that alone works like continuous shared trauma, us-two-against-the-world.
PunchTornado 6y ago
of course there are couples like that. OP was asking about the majority. is the majority like that? that study you linked doesn't seek to answer this question.
- tokai 6y ago
  OP had a hunch and I provided something that wasn't just an opinion. If you then looked at the literature you could have pointed out that some research support an erosion theory of relationship satisfaction. I could have answered back that there is evidence that relationship satisfaction is a huge factor for relationship stability (who would have known), and stability should support relationship longevity. In the end we wouldn't be that much closer to a sure answer to the question, but we would all have learned something worthwhile about the topic. It's a large and sprawling field of research. Why don't you dig into it yourself?
  - ac42 6y ago
    https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=24962121 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=24962121
srtjstjsj 6y ago
That article says romance exists, not that it's the majority situation. Even leaving aside unromantic surviving marriages, the high divorce rate is strong evidence.

andrewmcwatters 6y ago

Are you male, under 30, and unmarried? Because this seems like a wildly out of touch statement.

peteretep 6y ago

> By September, they had conceived – naturally – and were pregnant Don’t think they skipped the sex step.

tharne 6y ago

I suspect you're a young, unmarried, man. You know who has a lot of sex? Married people.

username90 6y ago
You know who has more sex? Unmarried couples. Sex frequency goes down with relationship duration. So if you want to have lots of sex you want to go between relationships instead of staying a long time in one. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-passion-paradox/201206/the-ins-and-outs-sexual-frequency#:~:text=Married%20couples%20report%20having%20sex,less%20than%20twice%20a%20week).&text=In%20one%20study%20of%2016%2C000,often%20(once%20a%20week) https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-passion-paradox/....
- watwut 6y ago
  That assumes the person in question is moving from relationship to relationship quickly, as opposed to more common pattern of long stretches of time with no relationship.
- ivanfat 6y ago
  Agreed.

steve76 6y ago

Dad lives a life without limits and runs off to Belize with John McAffee and the rest of the corporate team. Mom runs away a month later when the junkie she moved in starts OD'ing and beating her. Everyone forgets about the kid. At best he's someone who just lives in a house of a couple dozen people dumped on society roaming feral neighborhoods. At worst he is a living moving toxic wasteland leaving a trail of dead bodies in his wake until he's killed in prison under a commuted death sentence, leaving one more murderer and murder victim in the world.

ryanmarsh 6y ago

If you are correct then why get married at all? Anecdotally many are in unhappy marriages but we also have no-fault divorce. So you can end it if need be. I suspect you are wrong though. If everyone has an exit to take and everyone wants to take the exit, aside from a cohort that cannot take the exit, why don’t they?

bilbo0s 6y ago
Divorce statistics say that a lot of people do take the exit. But, yes, statistics also say that a lot of those people get remarried. So if people keep getting married over and over, they must like it for some reason.
deleted 6y ago
[deleted]