5 ms·

As someone who is largely aromantic and asexual, I have many times considered adopting a child with a close friend, because although romantic/sexual relationshi

As someone who is largely aromantic and asexual, I have many times considered adopting a child with a close friend, because although romantic/sexual relationships don't appeal to me much, I would still love to be a parent, and have a (somewhat) traditional nuclear family. It's definitely a possibility, let's see if it works out.

k__ 6y ago
To me it's the other way around. I'm neither aromantic nor asexual and I like the idea of procreating. Creating partial copies of myself and such things sounds interesting. But I can't bear the idea of actually raising a child. That responsibility...
- tartoran 6y ago
  It is a lot of responsibility indeed but it comes with benefits too. Parenting is an experience you can skip on, but you can’t know what you’re missing until you go through it. Lots of people change their perspective once they become parents and few regret it - it’s like reaching a new stage in development/life.
  - k__ 6y ago
    Yes, this is true. At least my sister is up and about to get at least four kids, so maybe I can get a partial taste, haha.
    - marakeesh 6y ago
      That's how it started for me. Then, my child came along and was already warmed up to that idea and everything else just happened naturally. Yes, this is an experience that I would not want to skip on having but if you asked me before whether I am ready to make this step I would probably give you the answer: "I'm not sure" and I completely understand people who hesitate starting family. I've also changed after becoming a parent.
  - ck425 6y ago
    I do wonder how many actually regret it. It's socially unacceptable to regret having kids, plus it would be awful on the kids if you openly regretted it. I'd expect that the numbers who do regret it are probably higher than those who admit it, but how high I've no idea.
    - mirsadm 6y ago
      It's not a straight forward answer though. It changes day to day. Some days are very tough but others are amazing.
    - Angostura 6y ago
      I don't think it's all-or-nothing issue. As a stay at home dad, there were times when I was so tired and depressed that I was on the verge of tears taking my toddlers to the playground. Did I regret having them? If you asked me in that 5 minutes - I my have said yes. It complicates your life, makes things harder introduces additional stress into what could otherwise be a simple, uncomplicated life. It makes you worry more about - say - the outcome of elections. Overall though? I share a house with two teenagers who I love deeply, who are lots of fun and I can't imagine being without.
      - ck425 6y ago
        That's a very good point. I wonder how any regrets of not having them work? Not having kids strikes me as far easier to consistently be at peace with.
    - Pet_Ant 6y ago
      Even if they are a wonderful human being it basically limits your own choices and potential. If you had moved to a dead-end city with your partner and then break-up... it can be soul killing. ...for a friend. That's it.
  - throwaway12319 6y ago
    > ... change their perspective once they become parents and few regret it Citation needed. Psychological research clearly shows otherwise. Plenty of parents show symptoms of resentfulness, guilt and depression.
  - everdrive 6y ago
    This is my big fear. What if I don't switch, and I really did, deeply regret it? There's no way out. It seems like very serious commitment is necessary.
    - srtjstjsj 6y ago
      You can buy out your obligations with money.
  - toyg 6y ago
    Plenty regret it, but they will never admit it so you’ll never know for sure - not unlike voting for certain candidates. And it gets re-evaluated with time. I did regret it for some time. I still regret it many, many times in a day. Other times the kids save my life and it all looks somewhat worth it. But I just don’t see it as some mystical experience, on balance. It’s probably different for mothers though.
- notRobot 6y ago
  In that case, make sure that you're always using at least two forms of contraception! Condoms+pill, condoms+IUD, vasectomy+condoms, etc. https://www.bustle.com/p/should-i-use-more-than-one-birth-control-method-the-truth-about-combining-contraceptives-according-to-experts-10017980 https://www.bustle.com/p/should-i-use-more-than-one-birth-co...
  - k__ 6y ago
    I always do and my partners all don't want kids, so that's something too.
  - gwbas1c 6y ago
    I gotta point out that my wife and I conceived while she was on an IUD. (In 2020) It wasn't a big deal for us, because we were about to go off of birth control. The point is, IUDs aren't foolproof.
  - crankyoldcrank 6y ago
    Can you imagine being married, having a vasectomy, and still using condoms? Awful. Might as well be celibate, fuck. That's no way to live. Condoms feel terrible. Double up with some other birth control and be monogamous so you don't have to worry about disease. And fucking feel something. Condoms + vasectomy. Jesus. I'd rather eat nothing but kale the rest of my life than get a vasectomy and continue to use condoms with my wife.
- x87678r 6y ago
  > But I can't bear the idea of actually raising a child. That responsibility Most people are like this. When you see friends with kids you realize it isn't rocket science.
  - Loughla 6y ago
    >When you see friends with kids you realize it isn't rocket science. It isn't hard to do, it's exceedingly hard to do consistently and well. That being said, all of the headaches are outweighed by watching a hot weirdo develop out of the tiny baby you made. It is amazingly funny to watch children figure out the world.
    - toyg 6y ago
      > exceedingly hard to do consistently and well We hardly even agree on what that means. An ISIS terrorist grown of a family of ISIS terrorists would be “job well done” from the parents’ perspective.
      - wolfram74 6y ago
        Not all the time, there are enough examples of "I never wanted this life for you" in fiction that I can't believe it's entirely made up.
        toyg 6y ago
        There are just as many examples of “I just wanted you to inherit the family business / uphold our traditional mores / have a simple life like we do”. It’s a very contentious topic and in many ways it was not even considered on a large scale until the 1960s, the default assumption being that someone born in a family of X should accept he is a X too, and the duty of their family was to raise them to be that X. This was even enforced legally, with aristocracy, slavery, castes, etc. Personal wishes and individual psychological wellbeing were just not a thing. Still today, the degree of conformity enforced on kids, that you see in many cultures, makes it extremely difficult to find a common definition of “good parenting”. Would a “good parent” force you to fast from sunrise to sunset for a month, or encourage you to join an organization that requires permanent celibacy? What about pushing you to prominently display your faith in everyday situations, despite the real possibility of physical violence against you? Or inviting you to mate inside the same ethnic community as your parents, “to keep traditions alive”? Or even just pushing you to follow fitness regimes, because “healthy”, even though you hate sports and exercise? Is that good or bad? These are very big questions and I don’t think we’re anywhere near finding common answers for them.
- mlboss 6y ago
  Its part responsibility, part love. You do it because it is the most rewarding thing you will ever do.
  - srtjstjsj 6y ago
    For some people. For others it's the least rewarding.
- fcantournet 6y ago
  "Creating partial copies of myself and such things sounds interesting" Right... please see a professional about this. Soonish.
gwbas1c 6y ago
> As someone who is largely aromantic and asexual I don't know how old you are, but that's how I was up until my mid 20's. When I "dated" in college and in my 20s, I was mostly looking for companionship. Something clicked when I turned 30, and then I found my wife. Anyway, makes me wonder if there's a niche for aromantic and asexual "dating?" I used to hear stories of couples who didn't have a lot of sex and were just in it for the friendship.
- ConceptJunkie 6y ago
  > Anyway, makes me wonder if there's a niche for aromantic and asexual "dating?" What niche? It's called "being friends", right?
- hateful 6y ago
  I didn't have a word for this until recently - demisexual. "a sexual orientation on the asexual spectrum defined as someone who does not experience sexual attraction until they have formed a deep emotional connection with someone." https://lgbta.wikia.org/wiki/Demisexual https://lgbta.wikia.org/wiki/Demisexual

k__ 6y ago

To me it's the other way around. I'm neither aromantic nor asexual and I like the idea of procreating. Creating partial copies of myself and such things sounds interesting. But I can't bear the idea of actually raising a child. That responsibility...

tartoran 6y ago
It is a lot of responsibility indeed but it comes with benefits too. Parenting is an experience you can skip on, but you can’t know what you’re missing until you go through it. Lots of people change their perspective once they become parents and few regret it - it’s like reaching a new stage in development/life.
- k__ 6y ago
  Yes, this is true. At least my sister is up and about to get at least four kids, so maybe I can get a partial taste, haha.
  - marakeesh 6y ago
    That's how it started for me. Then, my child came along and was already warmed up to that idea and everything else just happened naturally. Yes, this is an experience that I would not want to skip on having but if you asked me before whether I am ready to make this step I would probably give you the answer: "I'm not sure" and I completely understand people who hesitate starting family. I've also changed after becoming a parent.
- ck425 6y ago
  I do wonder how many actually regret it. It's socially unacceptable to regret having kids, plus it would be awful on the kids if you openly regretted it. I'd expect that the numbers who do regret it are probably higher than those who admit it, but how high I've no idea.
  - mirsadm 6y ago
    It's not a straight forward answer though. It changes day to day. Some days are very tough but others are amazing.
  - Angostura 6y ago
    I don't think it's all-or-nothing issue. As a stay at home dad, there were times when I was so tired and depressed that I was on the verge of tears taking my toddlers to the playground. Did I regret having them? If you asked me in that 5 minutes - I my have said yes. It complicates your life, makes things harder introduces additional stress into what could otherwise be a simple, uncomplicated life. It makes you worry more about - say - the outcome of elections. Overall though? I share a house with two teenagers who I love deeply, who are lots of fun and I can't imagine being without.
    - ck425 6y ago
      That's a very good point. I wonder how any regrets of not having them work? Not having kids strikes me as far easier to consistently be at peace with.
  - Pet_Ant 6y ago
    Even if they are a wonderful human being it basically limits your own choices and potential. If you had moved to a dead-end city with your partner and then break-up... it can be soul killing. ...for a friend. That's it.
- throwaway12319 6y ago
  > ... change their perspective once they become parents and few regret it Citation needed. Psychological research clearly shows otherwise. Plenty of parents show symptoms of resentfulness, guilt and depression.
- everdrive 6y ago
  This is my big fear. What if I don't switch, and I really did, deeply regret it? There's no way out. It seems like very serious commitment is necessary.
  - srtjstjsj 6y ago
    You can buy out your obligations with money.
- toyg 6y ago
  Plenty regret it, but they will never admit it so you’ll never know for sure - not unlike voting for certain candidates. And it gets re-evaluated with time. I did regret it for some time. I still regret it many, many times in a day. Other times the kids save my life and it all looks somewhat worth it. But I just don’t see it as some mystical experience, on balance. It’s probably different for mothers though.
notRobot 6y ago
In that case, make sure that you're always using at least two forms of contraception! Condoms+pill, condoms+IUD, vasectomy+condoms, etc. https://www.bustle.com/p/should-i-use-more-than-one-birth-control-method-the-truth-about-combining-contraceptives-according-to-experts-10017980 https://www.bustle.com/p/should-i-use-more-than-one-birth-co...
- k__ 6y ago
  I always do and my partners all don't want kids, so that's something too.
- gwbas1c 6y ago
  I gotta point out that my wife and I conceived while she was on an IUD. (In 2020) It wasn't a big deal for us, because we were about to go off of birth control. The point is, IUDs aren't foolproof.
- crankyoldcrank 6y ago
  Can you imagine being married, having a vasectomy, and still using condoms? Awful. Might as well be celibate, fuck. That's no way to live. Condoms feel terrible. Double up with some other birth control and be monogamous so you don't have to worry about disease. And fucking feel something. Condoms + vasectomy. Jesus. I'd rather eat nothing but kale the rest of my life than get a vasectomy and continue to use condoms with my wife.
x87678r 6y ago
> But I can't bear the idea of actually raising a child. That responsibility Most people are like this. When you see friends with kids you realize it isn't rocket science.
- Loughla 6y ago
  >When you see friends with kids you realize it isn't rocket science. It isn't hard to do, it's exceedingly hard to do consistently and well. That being said, all of the headaches are outweighed by watching a hot weirdo develop out of the tiny baby you made. It is amazingly funny to watch children figure out the world.
  - toyg 6y ago
    > exceedingly hard to do consistently and well We hardly even agree on what that means. An ISIS terrorist grown of a family of ISIS terrorists would be “job well done” from the parents’ perspective.
    - wolfram74 6y ago
      Not all the time, there are enough examples of "I never wanted this life for you" in fiction that I can't believe it's entirely made up.
      - toyg 6y ago
        There are just as many examples of “I just wanted you to inherit the family business / uphold our traditional mores / have a simple life like we do”. It’s a very contentious topic and in many ways it was not even considered on a large scale until the 1960s, the default assumption being that someone born in a family of X should accept he is a X too, and the duty of their family was to raise them to be that X. This was even enforced legally, with aristocracy, slavery, castes, etc. Personal wishes and individual psychological wellbeing were just not a thing. Still today, the degree of conformity enforced on kids, that you see in many cultures, makes it extremely difficult to find a common definition of “good parenting”. Would a “good parent” force you to fast from sunrise to sunset for a month, or encourage you to join an organization that requires permanent celibacy? What about pushing you to prominently display your faith in everyday situations, despite the real possibility of physical violence against you? Or inviting you to mate inside the same ethnic community as your parents, “to keep traditions alive”? Or even just pushing you to follow fitness regimes, because “healthy”, even though you hate sports and exercise? Is that good or bad? These are very big questions and I don’t think we’re anywhere near finding common answers for them.
mlboss 6y ago
Its part responsibility, part love. You do it because it is the most rewarding thing you will ever do.
- srtjstjsj 6y ago
  For some people. For others it's the least rewarding.
fcantournet 6y ago
"Creating partial copies of myself and such things sounds interesting" Right... please see a professional about this. Soonish.

gwbas1c 6y ago

> As someone who is largely aromantic and asexual I don't know how old you are, but that's how I was up until my mid 20's. When I "dated" in college and in my 20s, I was mostly looking for companionship. Something clicked when I turned 30, and then I found my wife. Anyway, makes me wonder if there's a niche for aromantic and asexual "dating?" I used to hear stories of couples who didn't have a lot of sex and were just in it for the friendship.

ConceptJunkie 6y ago
> Anyway, makes me wonder if there's a niche for aromantic and asexual "dating?" What niche? It's called "being friends", right?
hateful 6y ago
I didn't have a word for this until recently - demisexual. "a sexual orientation on the asexual spectrum defined as someone who does not experience sexual attraction until they have formed a deep emotional connection with someone." https://lgbta.wikia.org/wiki/Demisexual https://lgbta.wikia.org/wiki/Demisexual