Your version shows the problem with taking advice to "omit needless words" too far. The main virtue of good writing is clarity, and that often needs more words

Your version shows the problem with taking advice to "omit needless words" too far. The main virtue of good writing is clarity, and that often needs more words than a maximally compressed sentence. Your version omits useful information, is imprecise, and uses a vague idiom that is easily misinterpreted. In short, it doesn't say the same thing.