4 ms·

A lot of this rings true to me. I'm a rather bad case of type 1 (classic manic depression) and high functioning. I wrote up a blog post about how I managed to s

A lot of this rings true to me. I'm a rather bad case of type 1 (classic manic depression) and high functioning. I wrote up a blog post about how I managed to spend my entire life hiding continuous psychosis. https://kayode.co/blog/4106/living-with-psychosis/ https://kayode.co/blog/4106/living-with-psychosis/ Hiding is what I've always done. It's exhausting having to appear normal all the time. I'm fortunate to have understanding friends. Instead of me constantly bitching, we have code words for how I'm feeling. If I'm good, that makes I'm stable and relatively happy. If I'm okay, I'm probably depressed. It goes on from there. I'm able to talk about how I feel without getting into the details no one want to hear every day. At work, I'm extremely fortunate to have a boss whose wife is bipolar. I've been able to get ADA accommodations that give me the flexibility and restrictions I need to go to work every week. This is the first job I've ever had this luxury. And it really is a luxury. This is my first job where I've had any kind of accommodation. I've worked at places where I've pretended to have the flu just to take a day off for mental health. Even now everyone, except my boss and friends, treats taking time off for mental health like vacations, because that's the experience for them. I've used so much PTO, I never get a vacation. Instead, I'm always at home on days off, dealing with a hell that my coworkers have never come close to experiencing. I could go on a lot longer because there is no limit to how many things I have to deal with. But no one really wants to read that and I don't want to write it again.

Kye 6y ago
I'm glad you wrote about it! I'll add it to my TBR list. Which, coincidentally, includes a collection of stories you're in.
elboru 6y ago
If no one really wanted to read that, then your comment wouldn’t be the first one on this thread. Thank you for sharing with us.
- kayodelycaon 6y ago
  I'm very glad people want to read my story but I think this comment makes my point. It's at the top because I carefully wrote it and purposefully kept it short and digestible. The long details of my life experience are linked rather than written out. People opt in to read more. From past experience, the long, rambling, barely coherent rants I start with aren't effective or well received. :) Note: This comment was eight times longer and took about 8 minutes to reduce to what I have here. And I seriously considered deleting it because it doesn't add much to the conversation. Only 20% of the comments I write survive to be posted.
  - elboru 6y ago
    I can relate to that, I would say 50% of mine survive, I usually stop just before clicking the submit button. Anyways you have your reasons and I respect that.
    - wadkar 6y ago
      And here I was thinking I must be the only person who deletes their comments instead of submitting them! Thank you. I cannot tell you how relieved I am feeling right now.
  - chris_wot 6y ago
    Well... I think long rambling rants from people who have a diagnosed mental health condition are about as interesting as long, rambling rants from people who do not have a diagnosed mental health condition. Well, most of the time.
cmehdy 6y ago
I have a lot of respect for your ability to make a blog about something that is already overwhelming enough to "just" be suffering. Being both high functioning and with severe psychiatric issues is very weird when dealing with the world: you can sometimes drain your energy to almost have a "super" ability to do things (focus, make stuff, communicate, whatever it is), yet you're actually suffering immensely and it often doesn't help that you might get praised for the very same things that you should get help for. There's fear of losing some of those bits when you enter a path of medical treatments, there's immense energy spent doing inner work that people who are considered "healthy" never really have to be doing. It's like the neighbour is driving up a hill while you're hiking up a mountain with a broken leg. So here's a hug.
loceng 6y ago
"But no one really wants to read that and I don't want to write it again." I have this same issue but with severe chronic pain that impacts my executive function greatly, worsened by physical activity further sensitizing my nervous system - so I depend on low activity routine to not make life even more intolerable for 2-3+ days it takes to recover to getting clear thought and mental function again - to be able to orient myself again; it doesn't make a difference if I do share it though either, even though there are still options I could try to reduce the pain - it's been difficult to find a doctor who's actually willing to work with me and so much time between appointments when exploring new potential avenues. The challenge I've found is mostly running into indoctrination, lack of critical thinking, lack of willingness to accommodate to read long-form explanations of what I write out for my experience to get doctors or professionals on the same page of understanding. I have mostly given up and am winding down my hopes or fantasy of a capable, productive, rewarding future now though - planning to return "home" to an unfinished, untidy, cluttered house that no one should live in, where my mother has been mostly alone the past 5 years since my father passed away horrifically - so I'm no longer paying rent anywhere nor have any obligations and will quietly disappear from the universe as barely anyone will know that I will be gone.
- luckylion 6y ago
  I can understand the issue you describe with doctors not being willing to deviate from their standard training. It's exhausting when they don't listen ("right, right, you've read something on the internet, yes, yes... why don't you let me take a look at it first") or they only try their common approaches that have failed before and if you don't fit that mold, well, too bad. I hope you find a way to manage (or better yet, get rid of) your pain. It's such a waste that, unless you're famous, rich or a rare, scientifically interesting case, the point of "sorry, there's nothing else I'm willing to do for you" comes rather quickly. It seems with most chronic problems, you need to become an expert and then find and convince somebody who is certified and can write a prescription.
- gnramires 6y ago
  I encourage you to investigate your issue. I've heard countless cases of people going to countless doctors until they've found one that could pin down their issue. Look for ones interested in investigating your condition, it could be a journey. I had a number of issues giving me chronic headaches for years, and it took a while slowly removing variables and pinning things down until I got better; then it was like having a second life.
cannaceo 6y ago
Can I ask what ADA accommodations you were able to seek? My sister has type 1 and is currently in mania. She worked for me for the last 2 years because she is “unable to hold a regular job” but I won’t be able to continue employing her after this episode.
- kayodelycaon 6y ago
  This is what I have documented: - Intermittent FMLA. (1) - Being able take extended breaks during the day and make up hours without using FMLA. (Flex time) - Work from home when I need to. - No on call. (Company has to respect my consistent sleep schedule.) - No overtime. Maximum of 40 working hours per week. - Ability to take extended leave for inpatient care. My team knows I'm out occasionally for medical issues but they don't have an issue with it. I really do work for a wonderful company that takes care of their employees. Having someone's kid interrupt a zoom meeting is common right now and no one except the parent gets annoyed by it. Even the CEO isn't immune from his kids interrupting an all hands meeting. He just laughs and sets the tone for the rest of the company. :) 1: Basically, I can take time off in 1 hour increments for any medical reason, any time.
kingkawn 6y ago
Infinite respect to you for facing and surviving your experience of life. I wish that society had a meaningful role for people who have had this experience that could make full use of their emotional depth in a way that was valuable to us all and allowed you to not feel like you have to hide your interior world. Someday we, as a broad group, will get to that point, rather than stigmatizing and hiding it to your and everyone’s detriment. Your effort to speak openly about all of this is heroic. Thank you.
- kayodelycaon 6y ago
  > wish that society had a meaningful role We kind of do. Storytellers. I write fiction. (And a few blog posts) A lot of my own experience with the extremes of the human emotion gets rolled into what I create.
  - kingkawn 6y ago
    That is one of the most insightful things I’ve read all year. Thanks!
deleted 6y ago
[deleted]
aspaceman 6y ago
> Instead of me constantly bitching, we have code words for how I'm feeling. If I'm good, that makes I'm stable and relatively happy. If I'm okay, I'm probably depressed. It goes on from there. I'm able to talk about how I feel without getting into the details no one want to hear every day. I want to mention how kind and empathetic this is. My mother had bipolar disorder and I’m very appreciative reading this comment from you.

Kye 6y ago

I'm glad you wrote about it! I'll add it to my TBR list. Which, coincidentally, includes a collection of stories you're in.

elboru 6y ago

If no one really wanted to read that, then your comment wouldn’t be the first one on this thread. Thank you for sharing with us.

kayodelycaon 6y ago
I'm very glad people want to read my story but I think this comment makes my point. It's at the top because I carefully wrote it and purposefully kept it short and digestible. The long details of my life experience are linked rather than written out. People opt in to read more. From past experience, the long, rambling, barely coherent rants I start with aren't effective or well received. :) Note: This comment was eight times longer and took about 8 minutes to reduce to what I have here. And I seriously considered deleting it because it doesn't add much to the conversation. Only 20% of the comments I write survive to be posted.
- elboru 6y ago
  I can relate to that, I would say 50% of mine survive, I usually stop just before clicking the submit button. Anyways you have your reasons and I respect that.
  - wadkar 6y ago
    And here I was thinking I must be the only person who deletes their comments instead of submitting them! Thank you. I cannot tell you how relieved I am feeling right now.
- chris_wot 6y ago
  Well... I think long rambling rants from people who have a diagnosed mental health condition are about as interesting as long, rambling rants from people who do not have a diagnosed mental health condition. Well, most of the time.

cmehdy 6y ago

I have a lot of respect for your ability to make a blog about something that is already overwhelming enough to "just" be suffering. Being both high functioning and with severe psychiatric issues is very weird when dealing with the world: you can sometimes drain your energy to almost have a "super" ability to do things (focus, make stuff, communicate, whatever it is), yet you're actually suffering immensely and it often doesn't help that you might get praised for the very same things that you should get help for. There's fear of losing some of those bits when you enter a path of medical treatments, there's immense energy spent doing inner work that people who are considered "healthy" never really have to be doing. It's like the neighbour is driving up a hill while you're hiking up a mountain with a broken leg. So here's a hug.

loceng 6y ago

"But no one really wants to read that and I don't want to write it again." I have this same issue but with severe chronic pain that impacts my executive function greatly, worsened by physical activity further sensitizing my nervous system - so I depend on low activity routine to not make life even more intolerable for 2-3+ days it takes to recover to getting clear thought and mental function again - to be able to orient myself again; it doesn't make a difference if I do share it though either, even though there are still options I could try to reduce the pain - it's been difficult to find a doctor who's actually willing to work with me and so much time between appointments when exploring new potential avenues. The challenge I've found is mostly running into indoctrination, lack of critical thinking, lack of willingness to accommodate to read long-form explanations of what I write out for my experience to get doctors or professionals on the same page of understanding. I have mostly given up and am winding down my hopes or fantasy of a capable, productive, rewarding future now though - planning to return "home" to an unfinished, untidy, cluttered house that no one should live in, where my mother has been mostly alone the past 5 years since my father passed away horrifically - so I'm no longer paying rent anywhere nor have any obligations and will quietly disappear from the universe as barely anyone will know that I will be gone.

luckylion 6y ago
I can understand the issue you describe with doctors not being willing to deviate from their standard training. It's exhausting when they don't listen ("right, right, you've read something on the internet, yes, yes... why don't you let me take a look at it first") or they only try their common approaches that have failed before and if you don't fit that mold, well, too bad. I hope you find a way to manage (or better yet, get rid of) your pain. It's such a waste that, unless you're famous, rich or a rare, scientifically interesting case, the point of "sorry, there's nothing else I'm willing to do for you" comes rather quickly. It seems with most chronic problems, you need to become an expert and then find and convince somebody who is certified and can write a prescription.
gnramires 6y ago
I encourage you to investigate your issue. I've heard countless cases of people going to countless doctors until they've found one that could pin down their issue. Look for ones interested in investigating your condition, it could be a journey. I had a number of issues giving me chronic headaches for years, and it took a while slowly removing variables and pinning things down until I got better; then it was like having a second life.

cannaceo 6y ago

Can I ask what ADA accommodations you were able to seek? My sister has type 1 and is currently in mania. She worked for me for the last 2 years because she is “unable to hold a regular job” but I won’t be able to continue employing her after this episode.

kayodelycaon 6y ago
This is what I have documented: - Intermittent FMLA. (1) - Being able take extended breaks during the day and make up hours without using FMLA. (Flex time) - Work from home when I need to. - No on call. (Company has to respect my consistent sleep schedule.) - No overtime. Maximum of 40 working hours per week. - Ability to take extended leave for inpatient care. My team knows I'm out occasionally for medical issues but they don't have an issue with it. I really do work for a wonderful company that takes care of their employees. Having someone's kid interrupt a zoom meeting is common right now and no one except the parent gets annoyed by it. Even the CEO isn't immune from his kids interrupting an all hands meeting. He just laughs and sets the tone for the rest of the company. :) 1: Basically, I can take time off in 1 hour increments for any medical reason, any time.

kingkawn 6y ago

Infinite respect to you for facing and surviving your experience of life. I wish that society had a meaningful role for people who have had this experience that could make full use of their emotional depth in a way that was valuable to us all and allowed you to not feel like you have to hide your interior world. Someday we, as a broad group, will get to that point, rather than stigmatizing and hiding it to your and everyone’s detriment. Your effort to speak openly about all of this is heroic. Thank you.

kayodelycaon 6y ago
> wish that society had a meaningful role We kind of do. Storytellers. I write fiction. (And a few blog posts) A lot of my own experience with the extremes of the human emotion gets rolled into what I create.
- kingkawn 6y ago
  That is one of the most insightful things I’ve read all year. Thanks!

deleted 6y ago

[deleted]

aspaceman 6y ago

> Instead of me constantly bitching, we have code words for how I'm feeling. If I'm good, that makes I'm stable and relatively happy. If I'm okay, I'm probably depressed. It goes on from there. I'm able to talk about how I feel without getting into the details no one want to hear every day. I want to mention how kind and empathetic this is. My mother had bipolar disorder and I’m very appreciative reading this comment from you.