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If the kids were indeed happy and were go-getters, then it appears the parents have raised their kids to take control of what they want to do instead of the oth

If the kids were indeed happy and were go-getters, then it appears the parents have raised their kids to take control of what they want to do instead of the other way around. I just started reading a book that talked about that, called "The self-driven child", and the main message of what the book is trying to say is, give your kids "control". Instead of telling them to do this or that, provide them choices and let them decide for themselves. And let them feel confident and not worry about failing. Honestly, I'm still going through the book and curious to see how we can apply to our kids.

nja 6y ago
> give your kids "control". Instead of telling them to do this or that, provide them choices and let them decide for themselves. And let them feel confident and not worry about failing. This is great, but the _last part_ is so important. A lot of parents try to follow this path, but they end up providing the kids only with false choices. Think "do you want to do your chores or play outside?" where the only answer the parent will actually accept is "do your chores". This is ultimately still parents telling their kids what to do, but framed as though the parents were _helping_ the kids. Children faced with these sorts of questions can grow up always seeking validation, always trying to pick "the right answer" -- leading to failure avoidance, lack of confidence, etc. This can lead to an adult who cannot make choices for themselves (everyone knows people who are always paralyzed by decision-making). Works great for training kids to do well in school, though, since school follows a similar pattern of always having one "correct" answer...
clairity 6y ago
i did this (gave control) with my rescued dog, who was 3 when i got her 2 years ago, and exhibited a variety of induced fears and anxieties which initially meant that she was constantly looking to me for permission, assurance, and validation, because her previous pack leader(s) were apparently capricious and menacing. out in the world, she's a relative independent creature free to explore and make decisions (it's my job to be patient and supportive, but not overly so). of course i steer her away from sitatuions that are certain to overwhelm her, exposing her to them a little at a time so she eventually learns to handle them herself without otherwise damaging regression to her self-assurance. exposure to small risks, and overcoming them, allows her to build that confidence herself, with minimal intervention on my part. she's had a few (minor) mishaps, but she's also grown quite a bit in her self-confidence and trust (especially at home, where the relative confinement manifested in near constant anxiety behaviors before). she's learned how to approach other dogs, and the social etiquette therein, able to disengage with (usually fearful) aggressors on her own without my intervention. she's learning that not every large human is a danger to her, but that cars (and roads) are. she knows squirrels and pigeons are fun to chase, but not cats (she lives with a feline sister who's friendly and kind, but still has claws). it's how animals develop self-sufficiency in the wild, including us if we weren't so obscured by domestication.

nja 6y ago

> give your kids "control". Instead of telling them to do this or that, provide them choices and let them decide for themselves. And let them feel confident and not worry about failing. This is great, but the _last part_ is so important. A lot of parents try to follow this path, but they end up providing the kids only with false choices. Think "do you want to do your chores or play outside?" where the only answer the parent will actually accept is "do your chores". This is ultimately still parents telling their kids what to do, but framed as though the parents were _helping_ the kids. Children faced with these sorts of questions can grow up always seeking validation, always trying to pick "the right answer" -- leading to failure avoidance, lack of confidence, etc. This can lead to an adult who cannot make choices for themselves (everyone knows people who are always paralyzed by decision-making). Works great for training kids to do well in school, though, since school follows a similar pattern of always having one "correct" answer...

clairity 6y ago

i did this (gave control) with my rescued dog, who was 3 when i got her 2 years ago, and exhibited a variety of induced fears and anxieties which initially meant that she was constantly looking to me for permission, assurance, and validation, because her previous pack leader(s) were apparently capricious and menacing. out in the world, she's a relative independent creature free to explore and make decisions (it's my job to be patient and supportive, but not overly so). of course i steer her away from sitatuions that are certain to overwhelm her, exposing her to them a little at a time so she eventually learns to handle them herself without otherwise damaging regression to her self-assurance. exposure to small risks, and overcoming them, allows her to build that confidence herself, with minimal intervention on my part. she's had a few (minor) mishaps, but she's also grown quite a bit in her self-confidence and trust (especially at home, where the relative confinement manifested in near constant anxiety behaviors before). she's learned how to approach other dogs, and the social etiquette therein, able to disengage with (usually fearful) aggressors on her own without my intervention. she's learning that not every large human is a danger to her, but that cars (and roads) are. she knows squirrels and pigeons are fun to chase, but not cats (she lives with a feline sister who's friendly and kind, but still has claws). it's how animals develop self-sufficiency in the wild, including us if we weren't so obscured by domestication.