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Watch out for saying no. People you work with learn what things you will say no to and rephrase the question to avoid a let down or start asking the wrong quest

by qz2 6y ago

Watch out for saying no. People you work with learn what things you will say no to and rephrase the question to avoid a let down or start asking the wrong question and then misquoting themselves later. This becomes a cat and mouse game of trying to determine what people’s intent really is. Humans are built for deception. I tend to respond with “let me sit down and think about this” then send them an email with their question and my answer. That gives both parties an opportunity to defend a position later or be honest about what the intent was as it’s amazing who emails get forwarded to when there’s a disagreement.

thelightthat 6y ago
Interesting. Could you give an example of rephrasing and being tricky/evasive?
- unnouinceput 6y ago
  Here is one, with my wife: Me: "Honey, I'm horny, let's have sex" Her: "No, I am tired, i just got off from work, I need to lay down in bed to catch my breath" Me: "No need to do anything then. You'll catch your breath, and I'll do the work %wink% %wink%" Her: "It never happens like that and you know it" Me: "Nope, not today, trust me" And eventually she gives up, we have sex and guess what! It wasn't like that today either. And she always knows it. But she enjoys it nevertheless. C'est la vie ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
- qz2 6y ago
  My wife is a fine example: Problem: coffee machine not working. Her representation of the problem: we need to buy a new coffee machine. Really what’s going on: coffee machine needs cleaning properly but it doesn’t match the rest of the stuff in the kitchen now. Edit: I'm sure this analogy probably works better for the folk downvoting when you look at it in terms of computation. Perhaps I should have write "the developer wants to rewrite this function as a microservice" whereas the real problem is "we need to fix this defect". The real thing is the developer wants to write a new shiny microservice full of new bugs rather than actually fix the damn bugs. Same as my wife wants a new shiny coffee machine but doesn't want to clean the old one (which is a shitty job, which I did in the end anyway because I made the faulty decision of saying yes to myself too quickly. I also fixed the bug)
  - raziel2p 6y ago
    There are 2 problems: The coffee machine doesn't work, AND it doesn't match the kitchen. Possibly 3, the machine is high maintenance. In your comment, you neglected 2 of those problems. Yes, there's a bug in the production services, but maybe it's a nightmare to maintain and there are more and more bugs creeping in and a microservice might help make it more stable - and maybe the developers want more experience with new tech to grow professionally as well.
  - elboru 6y ago
    It seems like communication is missing in both cases. It is easy to try to guess the other’s person motivations, but it’s actually hard to be 100% correct, and even if we’re 100% correct, who says our motivation is more valid than the other’s person? sure sometimes our motivation is objectively better, but the other person won’t agree without communication. Probably after reading “No More Mr Nice Guy” everyone should read “How to Win Friends and Influence People”
  - x87678r 6y ago
    The real issue is that your wife is in control of the kitchen, if she wants to buy a new machine that looks nicer, she is the boss and you shouldn't be arguing. :)
jeromenerf 6y ago
It reads like a glass half empty. The half full maybe to let people know what you say "yes" to. Carrot and stick. I personally don’t deal well with evasive behavior, asking or being asked.
- qz2 6y ago
  Yes it is glass half empty and intentionally so. The point is that it takes time to reason about problems, understand more than individual perspectives and evaluate solutions to problems. I have shot myself so many times in the past by having a quick answer to a question even if I was previously convinced it was a good idea. As for letting people know what you say yes to, all problems need the same evaluation therefore which leads to assumptions that you will say yes. Sometimes people don't ask and just assume. Another road to hell. It's not evasive either. There's nothing to say that you're not going to sit there and work through it with them, engage with other people and come up with a solution based on pooled ideas. Perhaps I should say I never say yes or no until the adequate amount of research has been done.
darkerside 6y ago
Working these things out in real-time in the presence of conflict and tension is an immeasurably valuable life skill. If you don't practice it, you'll never get better. Consider your wife's coffee maker conversation practice for times where the stakes are much higher.

by qz2 6y ago

thelightthat 6y ago

Interesting. Could you give an example of rephrasing and being tricky/evasive?

unnouinceput 6y ago
Here is one, with my wife: Me: "Honey, I'm horny, let's have sex" Her: "No, I am tired, i just got off from work, I need to lay down in bed to catch my breath" Me: "No need to do anything then. You'll catch your breath, and I'll do the work %wink% %wink%" Her: "It never happens like that and you know it" Me: "Nope, not today, trust me" And eventually she gives up, we have sex and guess what! It wasn't like that today either. And she always knows it. But she enjoys it nevertheless. C'est la vie ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
qz2 6y ago
My wife is a fine example: Problem: coffee machine not working. Her representation of the problem: we need to buy a new coffee machine. Really what’s going on: coffee machine needs cleaning properly but it doesn’t match the rest of the stuff in the kitchen now. Edit: I'm sure this analogy probably works better for the folk downvoting when you look at it in terms of computation. Perhaps I should have write "the developer wants to rewrite this function as a microservice" whereas the real problem is "we need to fix this defect". The real thing is the developer wants to write a new shiny microservice full of new bugs rather than actually fix the damn bugs. Same as my wife wants a new shiny coffee machine but doesn't want to clean the old one (which is a shitty job, which I did in the end anyway because I made the faulty decision of saying yes to myself too quickly. I also fixed the bug)
- raziel2p 6y ago
  There are 2 problems: The coffee machine doesn't work, AND it doesn't match the kitchen. Possibly 3, the machine is high maintenance. In your comment, you neglected 2 of those problems. Yes, there's a bug in the production services, but maybe it's a nightmare to maintain and there are more and more bugs creeping in and a microservice might help make it more stable - and maybe the developers want more experience with new tech to grow professionally as well.
- elboru 6y ago
  It seems like communication is missing in both cases. It is easy to try to guess the other’s person motivations, but it’s actually hard to be 100% correct, and even if we’re 100% correct, who says our motivation is more valid than the other’s person? sure sometimes our motivation is objectively better, but the other person won’t agree without communication. Probably after reading “No More Mr Nice Guy” everyone should read “How to Win Friends and Influence People”
- x87678r 6y ago
  The real issue is that your wife is in control of the kitchen, if she wants to buy a new machine that looks nicer, she is the boss and you shouldn't be arguing. :)

jeromenerf 6y ago

It reads like a glass half empty. The half full maybe to let people know what you say "yes" to. Carrot and stick. I personally don’t deal well with evasive behavior, asking or being asked.

qz2 6y ago
Yes it is glass half empty and intentionally so. The point is that it takes time to reason about problems, understand more than individual perspectives and evaluate solutions to problems. I have shot myself so many times in the past by having a quick answer to a question even if I was previously convinced it was a good idea. As for letting people know what you say yes to, all problems need the same evaluation therefore which leads to assumptions that you will say yes. Sometimes people don't ask and just assume. Another road to hell. It's not evasive either. There's nothing to say that you're not going to sit there and work through it with them, engage with other people and come up with a solution based on pooled ideas. Perhaps I should say I never say yes or no until the adequate amount of research has been done.

darkerside 6y ago

Working these things out in real-time in the presence of conflict and tension is an immeasurably valuable life skill. If you don't practice it, you'll never get better. Consider your wife's coffee maker conversation practice for times where the stakes are much higher.