5 ms·

As this currently reads, this evokes intense feelings of vitriol at the mere hypothetical of a peer attempting to coerce me to engage in a pathologically transa

As this currently reads, this evokes intense feelings of vitriol at the mere hypothetical of a peer attempting to coerce me to engage in a pathologically transactional relationship I would want zero part of. In the most satisfying job roles, I would expect to endure hardship for the sake of others' success, and this would immediately put me on notice that such endurance would likely be wasteful and painful in its lack of reciprocal personal investment. It would also signal that engagement in technical subject matter was merely a means to an end rather than an inherent fascination, which would make me significantly less likely to feel comfortable sharing the war stories that drive the motivation behind the current state of the team. Am I missing something here? The post itself comes across as in-good-faith, so I'm having a hard time reconciling...

randycupertino 6y ago
It's certainly... a lot. Kind of reminding me of a coworker who kept a secret tracker of everyone in the office's dogs and kids. She considered herself a networking genius, but imo it was kind of creepy.
- rubidium 6y ago
  Sounds like it wasn’t very secret...
orf 6y ago
Yeah, I’m just imagining receiving this demanding message out of the blue on a typical busy day from a new joiner in a different team. Most of these questions seem more suited for your direct colleagues or team lead.
- jeffrallen 6y ago
  I think I might have replied politely, but also kept a mental note, "careful: possible insane colleague". Those mental notes are helpful.
  - dv35z 6y ago
    Yikes! Good to know that's how it comes across (a little too late!) . I'm a pretty friendly person "IRL" - sometimes it's tough to get your writing voice to sound close to your mental/speaking voice...
    - jeffrallen 6y ago
      Look, first impressions can change, so probably no harm done. I think possibly this is a case of "trying too hard" out of sincerely good intentions. Just take it easy, try to earn people's attention and advice by finding ways to give to them first.
      - dv35z 6y ago
        Thanks - appreciate it!
dv35z 6y ago
Wow, thanks for this comment. (as a quick aside, you have an incredible command of the language). A couple questions... (1) "attempting to coerce", "pathologically transactional" - maybe it's tough to see it in my own writing, but that is definitely not what I'm intended. My goal was to actually build a mutually beneficial relationship with the people I reached out to. In previous jobs, I've always made lots of colleague friends, helped each other out in the workplace, and in many cases, became friends outside of the workplace. What language did I use which made it feel coercive or transactional? What would you have suggested instead (again, if you had followed this approach). If you had similar goals, what other approach would you try? (2) "means to an end" vs "inherent fascination". I actually DO have a personal interest in how all the puzzle pieces fit together in an organization, and code-wise (system-wise?), I am more effective in my job when I have a good understanding of how things work under the hood (I learn a lot by "doing"). I suppose that one "means to an end" is "connect with someone I can learn from" - for this specific email/intro, I'm hoping to build some awesome colleague relationships as soon as I can. But it's less for "resource extraction" and more for developing good, mutually beneficial relationships with colleagues over the course of a career with intentionality. Again, is there different language or phrasing which would convey that better, and trigger less skepticism? Again, thanks again for your insightful feedback. It stung the ego, but that's where the learning happens!
- wool_gather 6y ago
  In fairness, a lot of what you described is probably what ambitious and extraverted hopeful executives are doing implicitly and instinctively in their heads. It's just that in the context of you being an engineer and "saying the quiet part out loud" (so to speak), it does come off as a bit overbearing and maybe mad-scientist. I think it's possible for you to execute it well, but it will require real empathy for the people who are your "targets". It sounds like you are aware of that though, so good luck with the plan!

randycupertino 6y ago

It's certainly... a lot. Kind of reminding me of a coworker who kept a secret tracker of everyone in the office's dogs and kids. She considered herself a networking genius, but imo it was kind of creepy.

rubidium 6y ago
Sounds like it wasn’t very secret...

orf 6y ago

Yeah, I’m just imagining receiving this demanding message out of the blue on a typical busy day from a new joiner in a different team. Most of these questions seem more suited for your direct colleagues or team lead.

jeffrallen 6y ago
I think I might have replied politely, but also kept a mental note, "careful: possible insane colleague". Those mental notes are helpful.
- dv35z 6y ago
  Yikes! Good to know that's how it comes across (a little too late!) . I'm a pretty friendly person "IRL" - sometimes it's tough to get your writing voice to sound close to your mental/speaking voice...
  - jeffrallen 6y ago
    Look, first impressions can change, so probably no harm done. I think possibly this is a case of "trying too hard" out of sincerely good intentions. Just take it easy, try to earn people's attention and advice by finding ways to give to them first.
    - dv35z 6y ago
      Thanks - appreciate it!

dv35z 6y ago

Wow, thanks for this comment. (as a quick aside, you have an incredible command of the language). A couple questions... (1) "attempting to coerce", "pathologically transactional" - maybe it's tough to see it in my own writing, but that is definitely not what I'm intended. My goal was to actually build a mutually beneficial relationship with the people I reached out to. In previous jobs, I've always made lots of colleague friends, helped each other out in the workplace, and in many cases, became friends outside of the workplace. What language did I use which made it feel coercive or transactional? What would you have suggested instead (again, if you had followed this approach). If you had similar goals, what other approach would you try? (2) "means to an end" vs "inherent fascination". I actually DO have a personal interest in how all the puzzle pieces fit together in an organization, and code-wise (system-wise?), I am more effective in my job when I have a good understanding of how things work under the hood (I learn a lot by "doing"). I suppose that one "means to an end" is "connect with someone I can learn from" - for this specific email/intro, I'm hoping to build some awesome colleague relationships as soon as I can. But it's less for "resource extraction" and more for developing good, mutually beneficial relationships with colleagues over the course of a career with intentionality. Again, is there different language or phrasing which would convey that better, and trigger less skepticism? Again, thanks again for your insightful feedback. It stung the ego, but that's where the learning happens!

wool_gather 6y ago
In fairness, a lot of what you described is probably what ambitious and extraverted hopeful executives are doing implicitly and instinctively in their heads. It's just that in the context of you being an engineer and "saying the quiet part out loud" (so to speak), it does come off as a bit overbearing and maybe mad-scientist. I think it's possible for you to execute it well, but it will require real empathy for the people who are your "targets". It sounds like you are aware of that though, so good luck with the plan!