3 ms·

Regarding [1], would you be willing to expand on what you mean by a "self determinism" versus "guided/trained" parenting approaches? Thanks ahead from one pare

Regarding [1], would you be willing to expand on what you mean by a "self determinism" versus "guided/trained" parenting approaches? Thanks ahead from one parent to another.

ChuckMcM 6y ago
Sure, nothing too deep. With the understanding that this is just peers and acquaintances, not some referred psychology paper or anything. Among my friends, there exists generally two very broad schools of thought with respect to raising children. In one school of thought, which I relate to self determinism and is how I raised my kids, is that as a parent you have no idea what the "best way" is for your kids, they aren't you. As a result, parenting is a process consisting of three things; Teaching your children the underlying reasons and rationale of the world. Sharing with your kids the choices you made, why you made them, and what you learned. And finally, helping them explore different things while giving them a framework for capturing any new learning or understanding that their exploration yielded. The other school of thought, which I think of "You'll do better than me because I'll tell you how to be a better me." is about using your understanding of the world and your experiences in it to create a path for your child that will be more successful (or as successful) as your path. Parenting in that case focuses mostly on setting the direction for your children, giving them goals to help them evaluate how far they have moved along the path, and correcting them when they stray from the chosen path. Both styles fail at the extremes. For self determinism that would be completely disengaged "observer" parents, and for guided path, that would be over functioning "helicopter" parents. Parenting is a big job, but you have to remember that you will be lucky if you to spend a total of five years worth of time being with them[1]. Planned path parenting fails kids who are completely different than their parents (in my experience) and that situation can be expressed by people who graduate from college with a degree in X and then completely change their life after they have run off the end of the list of goals their parents gave them. Anyway, my 0.02 for what it is worth. [1] Assuming at age 18 they go off to college, from about 3 yrs to 5 yrs you get to spend all day with them, then half days, then maybe a quarter day + weekends, and then mostly weekends until they are gone. Chronologically it is nearly 2 decades by in terms of face to face time, especially time where you can talk and really share ideas and thoughts, it is incredibly short.

Regarding [1], would you be willing to expand on what you mean by a "self determinism" versus "guided/trained" parenting approaches? Thanks ahead from one parent to another.

ChuckMcM 6y ago

Sure, nothing too deep. With the understanding that this is just peers and acquaintances, not some referred psychology paper or anything. Among my friends, there exists generally two very broad schools of thought with respect to raising children. In one school of thought, which I relate to self determinism and is how I raised my kids, is that as a parent you have no idea what the "best way" is for your kids, they aren't you. As a result, parenting is a process consisting of three things; Teaching your children the underlying reasons and rationale of the world. Sharing with your kids the choices you made, why you made them, and what you learned. And finally, helping them explore different things while giving them a framework for capturing any new learning or understanding that their exploration yielded. The other school of thought, which I think of "You'll do better than me because I'll tell you how to be a better me." is about using your understanding of the world and your experiences in it to create a path for your child that will be more successful (or as successful) as your path. Parenting in that case focuses mostly on setting the direction for your children, giving them goals to help them evaluate how far they have moved along the path, and correcting them when they stray from the chosen path. Both styles fail at the extremes. For self determinism that would be completely disengaged "observer" parents, and for guided path, that would be over functioning "helicopter" parents. Parenting is a big job, but you have to remember that you will be lucky if you to spend a total of five years worth of time being with them[1]. Planned path parenting fails kids who are completely different than their parents (in my experience) and that situation can be expressed by people who graduate from college with a degree in X and then completely change their life after they have run off the end of the list of goals their parents gave them. Anyway, my 0.02 for what it is worth. [1] Assuming at age 18 they go off to college, from about 3 yrs to 5 yrs you get to spend all day with them, then half days, then maybe a quarter day + weekends, and then mostly weekends until they are gone. Chronologically it is nearly 2 decades by in terms of face to face time, especially time where you can talk and really share ideas and thoughts, it is incredibly short.