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Just curious, how did you find out that you were hiding your depression from yourself? (I assume you wrote from personal experience) Especially when other peopl

Just curious, how did you find out that you were hiding your depression from yourself? (I assume you wrote from personal experience) Especially when other people tell you that they think you have depression?

GordonS 6y ago
Yes, I'm writing from personal experience. I'm pushing 40, and I've felt this way since I was a young kid. I think because it started so early, it was just the way things had always been. Probably as a kid I didn't have the emotional maturity to recognise what was happening either. Nobody has ever told me they think I have depression - I'm very good at hiding it. My main coping mechanism, if you can call it that, was to bury my head in the sand and pretend everything was fine. As for how I found out, it was very slowly, over a period of a few years, as I matured into an adult. Looking back I can see that my mental state deteriorated, likely due to stress caused by various life events and (physical) health issues, and everything kind of came to a head. At some point I couldn't bury my head in the sand and ignore it anymore and think "it's just me, I'm weird". But even once deep down I recognised it as "depression", it was a long time before I'd even say in my head "I have depression". This was 15-20 years ago, and there was even more stigma around mental health then than there is now, and my shame was probably tempered by how one of my parents (with manic depression) had been viewed while I grew up. I also felt guilty - I had a wife, house, job, plenty of disposable income etc; how could I still feel like this when my life seemed so superficially perfect? Even though I admit it to myself now, I doubt I'll ever tell anyone else, even my wife. Would anyone even believe me, believe that it was possible to hide such a thing my entire life? But now I'm rambling, I'll end it there :)
- NalNezumi 6y ago
  No thank you for your rambling, it is for me (in my late 20's) an anecdote most valuable. I asked because I don't consider myself remotely close to it, having good job (well until today my last day) and a good safety net. But in the past few days, my SO & a friend have told me that I should maybe seek therapy. My first instinct is to dismiss is and focus my time on betterment of myself through other means, but your anecdote made me think of the possibility that I might just be oblivious about it. Unfortunately I live in a country where mental health is still a stigma and my insurance is gone with the work, but your experience at least nudge me towards trying to seek out professionals for it. (when I one day return to my homecountry where it isn't a stigma)

GordonS 6y ago

Yes, I'm writing from personal experience. I'm pushing 40, and I've felt this way since I was a young kid. I think because it started so early, it was just the way things had always been. Probably as a kid I didn't have the emotional maturity to recognise what was happening either. Nobody has ever told me they think I have depression - I'm very good at hiding it. My main coping mechanism, if you can call it that, was to bury my head in the sand and pretend everything was fine. As for how I found out, it was very slowly, over a period of a few years, as I matured into an adult. Looking back I can see that my mental state deteriorated, likely due to stress caused by various life events and (physical) health issues, and everything kind of came to a head. At some point I couldn't bury my head in the sand and ignore it anymore and think "it's just me, I'm weird". But even once deep down I recognised it as "depression", it was a long time before I'd even say in my head "I have depression". This was 15-20 years ago, and there was even more stigma around mental health then than there is now, and my shame was probably tempered by how one of my parents (with manic depression) had been viewed while I grew up. I also felt guilty - I had a wife, house, job, plenty of disposable income etc; how could I still feel like this when my life seemed so superficially perfect? Even though I admit it to myself now, I doubt I'll ever tell anyone else, even my wife. Would anyone even believe me, believe that it was possible to hide such a thing my entire life? But now I'm rambling, I'll end it there :)

NalNezumi 6y ago
No thank you for your rambling, it is for me (in my late 20's) an anecdote most valuable. I asked because I don't consider myself remotely close to it, having good job (well until today my last day) and a good safety net. But in the past few days, my SO & a friend have told me that I should maybe seek therapy. My first instinct is to dismiss is and focus my time on betterment of myself through other means, but your anecdote made me think of the possibility that I might just be oblivious about it. Unfortunately I live in a country where mental health is still a stigma and my insurance is gone with the work, but your experience at least nudge me towards trying to seek out professionals for it. (when I one day return to my homecountry where it isn't a stigma)