4 ms·

This post resonates with me, but I definitely don't think it's hopeless. I'm in my early 30s, and have "no friends". There are people I would consider my friend

by dx87 6y ago

This post resonates with me, but I definitely don't think it's hopeless. I'm in my early 30s, and have "no friends". There are people I would consider my friends, but as we grew up, we got adult responsiblities like jobs and family, most moved to different states for work, so I haven't actually been able to see them for years. Recently I've been working to improve my life, so I've been going out for walks around my neighborhood more. Just by leaving my house more often, I think I've talked to my neighbors more in the past 2 months than I have in the 10 prior years I've lived here. Now they ask me to get their mail when they're out of town, they ask if I need any help after my wife's surgery, etc. When I go out, I rarely see anyone else my age, it's normally older people out doing things around the neighborhood. I say older, but I'm not exactly young; I was starting high school when my parents were my age. I really believe that the "loneliness epidemic" is a product of a generation that socializes almost completely online, and has no connection with their community. That's how I used to be, and I realize now how shallow and fake online relationships are.

frenchy 6y ago
I think this experience is surprisingly common. Modern society affords us a lot of mobility, but I don't think we realise how much it costs us in terms of stable friendships. I have a young kid, and he's still too young to really have "friends" (when you're young enough, any stranger is a friend), but eventually we'll either have to decide to live in the same place for a long time, or he's going to have get used to constantly switching friends.
- toomuchtodo 6y ago
  Maybe we don’t need the mobility with the concept of remote working normalizing. Community is underrated.
  - dx87 6y ago
    I think you're right. Not building meaningful relationships with friends, family, and neighbors, is one of my biggest regrets of my 20s. It adds a lot of stress thinking how small my support system is, which prevents me from wanting to take risks that could further my career or life goals. It reminds me of the African proverb "If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together."
- MiroF 6y ago
  Hot take: Maybe this is less about modern society and more about what stage of life you're in? I think that urban professionals have been moving around a lot for decades and that settling down in a community as you get older is the pervasive norm.
- ntsplnkv2 6y ago
  How many people actually take advantage of that mobility? Most of the men who fit the article's profile I know have never left hometown.
  - frenchy 6y ago
    It probably depends a lot on where you're from. I would be amiss to forget that this hasn't changed for a lot of people, probably the overwhelming majority of people. However, for people who work in the tertiary sector of the economy (ala the three-sector model of economics) this is fairly common. Most of the people on this forum would fall there, and that sector has been growing.
    - ntsplnkv2 6y ago
      Do you think that sector is referring to the males the article is? I highly doubt it.
freddie_mercury 6y ago
> I really believe that the "loneliness epidemic" is a product of a generation that socializes almost completely online, and has no connection with their community. I agree about "connection with their community" but I'm less sure that socializing online is the root cause, though I agree it almost certainly a contributing factor at this point. I live in a developing country which has substantially more street life, community, know your neighbors, etc than most places US/Australia/Europe. And a lot of it is simply due to the quality of housing. When you've got 6 family members living in a house that might only be 300 square feet and there's no air conditioning...there's little surprise that in the evening so many people are sitting outside where natural interactions happen. I can't find a reference now but I saw an academic article showing the same effect in the US South. There used to be a "porch culture" where in the evenings people would sit outside on their porches. This made it much easier for neighbors to interact. Then with the rise of air conditioning, suddenly being inside was noticeably more comfortable than being outside. And it isn't just air conditioning. Consider all of the other changes in the past -- I dunno, 30 years? -- that have made "being inside" much more comfortable. When I was a kid it was pretty common for kids to share bedrooms, for a house to have only a single television, there were only three TV stations anyway, definitely no handheld gaming/video watching/etc...all of those things were factors that would push you to go outside.
- dx87 6y ago
  I think another thing could be how easy it is to only interact with people who share your interests when you were raised doing it mainly online. Older coworkers have said that before the Internet became widely used, being able to find common ground with your neighbors and coworkers was the only way to have any social interaction. Now though, it's so easy to find an online group with common interests that it can seem like a chore to talk to someone who doesn't share a lot of things in common. Even when people do go out in social situations, it's not uncommon to see a lot of people sitting on their phones. Like you said, air conditioning made it so you didn't have to interact as much if you didn't want to. Now with the Internet, you can sit in the AC all day and think you are being social because you're talking to likeminded people online, even though you likely aren't making meaningful connections. As an aside, my wife is from the US South, and what you read is spot on. Even if it wasn't sitting on the porch, it might be going to a local creek or lake to cool off. Even now with AC, it's not uncommon for friends or family to be driving by the house and decide to stop by and talk just because it's part of the culture now.
ccvannorman 6y ago
I'm in my late 30s. 5 years ago, I had "no friends". Keep at it; I've only just now started to make a few really great ones.

by dx87 6y ago

frenchy 6y ago

I think this experience is surprisingly common. Modern society affords us a lot of mobility, but I don't think we realise how much it costs us in terms of stable friendships. I have a young kid, and he's still too young to really have "friends" (when you're young enough, any stranger is a friend), but eventually we'll either have to decide to live in the same place for a long time, or he's going to have get used to constantly switching friends.

toomuchtodo 6y ago
Maybe we don’t need the mobility with the concept of remote working normalizing. Community is underrated.
- dx87 6y ago
  I think you're right. Not building meaningful relationships with friends, family, and neighbors, is one of my biggest regrets of my 20s. It adds a lot of stress thinking how small my support system is, which prevents me from wanting to take risks that could further my career or life goals. It reminds me of the African proverb "If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together."
MiroF 6y ago
Hot take: Maybe this is less about modern society and more about what stage of life you're in? I think that urban professionals have been moving around a lot for decades and that settling down in a community as you get older is the pervasive norm.
ntsplnkv2 6y ago
How many people actually take advantage of that mobility? Most of the men who fit the article's profile I know have never left hometown.
- frenchy 6y ago
  It probably depends a lot on where you're from. I would be amiss to forget that this hasn't changed for a lot of people, probably the overwhelming majority of people. However, for people who work in the tertiary sector of the economy (ala the three-sector model of economics) this is fairly common. Most of the people on this forum would fall there, and that sector has been growing.
  - ntsplnkv2 6y ago
    Do you think that sector is referring to the males the article is? I highly doubt it.

freddie_mercury 6y ago

> I really believe that the "loneliness epidemic" is a product of a generation that socializes almost completely online, and has no connection with their community. I agree about "connection with their community" but I'm less sure that socializing online is the root cause, though I agree it almost certainly a contributing factor at this point. I live in a developing country which has substantially more street life, community, know your neighbors, etc than most places US/Australia/Europe. And a lot of it is simply due to the quality of housing. When you've got 6 family members living in a house that might only be 300 square feet and there's no air conditioning...there's little surprise that in the evening so many people are sitting outside where natural interactions happen. I can't find a reference now but I saw an academic article showing the same effect in the US South. There used to be a "porch culture" where in the evenings people would sit outside on their porches. This made it much easier for neighbors to interact. Then with the rise of air conditioning, suddenly being inside was noticeably more comfortable than being outside. And it isn't just air conditioning. Consider all of the other changes in the past -- I dunno, 30 years? -- that have made "being inside" much more comfortable. When I was a kid it was pretty common for kids to share bedrooms, for a house to have only a single television, there were only three TV stations anyway, definitely no handheld gaming/video watching/etc...all of those things were factors that would push you to go outside.

dx87 6y ago
I think another thing could be how easy it is to only interact with people who share your interests when you were raised doing it mainly online. Older coworkers have said that before the Internet became widely used, being able to find common ground with your neighbors and coworkers was the only way to have any social interaction. Now though, it's so easy to find an online group with common interests that it can seem like a chore to talk to someone who doesn't share a lot of things in common. Even when people do go out in social situations, it's not uncommon to see a lot of people sitting on their phones. Like you said, air conditioning made it so you didn't have to interact as much if you didn't want to. Now with the Internet, you can sit in the AC all day and think you are being social because you're talking to likeminded people online, even though you likely aren't making meaningful connections. As an aside, my wife is from the US South, and what you read is spot on. Even if it wasn't sitting on the porch, it might be going to a local creek or lake to cool off. Even now with AC, it's not uncommon for friends or family to be driving by the house and decide to stop by and talk just because it's part of the culture now.

ccvannorman 6y ago

I'm in my late 30s. 5 years ago, I had "no friends". Keep at it; I've only just now started to make a few really great ones.