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The problem with allowing children at home forever is a lack of forced maturity. Why bother figuring out life as an adult when instead you can continue to live

The problem with allowing children at home forever is a lack of forced maturity. Why bother figuring out life as an adult when instead you can continue to live carefree as a child? That is problematic in that it continues to reinforce entitlements and expectations that are associated with dependence and risk aversion without consideration for the costs and consequences therein. As somebody with a high school senior I am ready for my kid to enter the world. It’s not that I want to get rid of her but instead as a responsible parent I want to push in the controlled direction of accepting greater independence and responsibility. In putting that stress upon my child, which was a normal expectation 20 years ago, I am helping my child develop continued maturity well beyond her peers.

jelliclesfarm 6y ago
I don’t see kids moving out at 18 and live in dorms become mature. Family is the first classroom for real life. Perhaps there was a time when leaving home meant getting real life experiences, but in this day and age...from school to college to work, everyone is infantalised. Take for example, FAANG employees who expect to be fed, clothed and expect to be ‘taken care’ of...this generation is a complete failure. We are seeing it plainly during this covid crisis. Absolutely helpless and have burnt bridges with family and community in favour of cubicles. I am disappointed. All my tax dollars and hopes wasted on an infant generation.
- deleted 6y ago
  [deleted]
- ido 6y ago
  I've heard American universities do a lot more hand holding than their European counterparts (not sure how this manifests). When I went to uni (and left home) it definitely helped me mature - I had to worry about cleaning, buying groceries, feeding myself, doing laundry, etc. I also had the freedom of nobody knowing or caring where I went and how late I came home (=greater responsibility for planning my time). But I understand what you mean - i had a childhood friend who went to a 2 years vocational school after highschool (during which he lived at home) and then enlisted in the army for 4-5 years (in a non-combat technical role). I suspect the army basically takes care of you when you live on base because afterwards he moved back home & I got the feeling he pretty much stayed stuck in a child role for years later (may be complicated by mental health issues). I think never having had to really be completely responsible for himself held him back.
  - jelliclesfarm 6y ago
    Military breaks one down and the. rebuilds the person acc to specs. Very few people have a self determined life after military service. It is sad. Many in industry and service sector who are ‘company men’ and never quit their first job until retirement also face the same problem. Double edged sword.
    - austincheney 6y ago
      As a military person myself this description does not apply to anyone I have ever met.
      - jelliclesfarm 6y ago
        That makes you an unreliable narrator to opine on it.
        austincheney 6y ago
        Then who is a reliable narrator?
        ido 6y ago
        I've never been to the military but I know a lot of people who have & the vast majority of them lead normal lives.
        jelliclesfarm 6y ago
        Someone who has married or has lived with or has employed or is an employee of someone who was in the military etc. AND who hasn’t been in the military themselves. in other words, the objectivity has to come from someone who has been on the receiving end without having been part of the system. For example: If I am Indian and I have an accent. Whether it’s understandable to Americans should be deemed by Americans. Not Indians.
        6y ago
- ryanwaggoner 6y ago
  this generation is a complete failure. We are seeing it plainly during this covid crisis. Absolutely helpless and have burnt bridges with family and community in favour of cubicles. I am disappointed. All my tax dollars and hopes wasted on an infant generation. This really sounds more like a personal problem that you're projecting onto tens of millions of people. Perhaps "this generation" (whatever that means) has burnt bridges with their family because they offer nothing but baseless, judgmental platitudes about the demise of the youth? Relax, friend. There is nothing new under the sun. The current generation isn't better or worse than those that came before. The world changes here and there, but most things stay the same. Don't fret so much about the future of civilization. Be present and let the rest unfold as it will.
  - jelliclesfarm 6y ago
    That’s good advice. Thanks.
war1025 6y ago
> The problem with allowing children at home forever is a lack of forced maturity. I suppose here there is a distinction to be made between "never left" and "came back." Though I guess often the "came back" turns more into "my parents live with us." I don't think there's anything wrong with kids and parents living together long term, but I agree that there needs to be the forced maturation of having to deal with your own problems at some point in between.
- refurb 6y ago
  Agreed those are entirely different. Living on your own for a few years, then staying with parents because it makes sense (parents need help, your financials need help, Covid) can be a smart move. It's the kids who are 25 and don't know how to open a bank account that are the worry.
  - mmm_grayons 6y ago
    I never understood that: even if he doesn't know how to open a bank account, do laundry, or fix something, can't he just look up how to do so? I would expect the younger generations to be more facile with such things. Not being taught how is no travesty, one can simply teach himself.
    - refurb 6y ago
      I’ve met a few! When your parents take care of all of life’s chores, sometimes there isn’t any incentive to learn how to do it. I remember helping a 30 year old do laundry because they had never done it in their entire life.
H_Pylori 6y ago
>The problem with allowing children at home forever is a lack of forced maturity. Why bother figuring out life as an adult when instead you can continue to live carefree as a child? Hey, you can figure out life as an adult even while living with your parents. Of course this does not mean spending your day in front of a PlayStation. Living with your parents in your 20's is a great money saver, and it's actually the norm outside the english speaking world. The only downside are decreased sexual opportunities, if you are in that sort of thing.
- ido 6y ago
  Experiencing serious romantic relationships (not to mention childrearing) is a big catalyst for personal growth.
  - H_Pylori 6y ago
    People do leave home when they marry. In general, where I live, people leave home when they have to. People leave home if they can't find a job nearby, to study and to marry. Very few exceptions.
- socialdemocrat 6y ago
  “Norm outside the English speaking world”? Where the hell to you have that from? Look up statistics on this. Highest percentage of people living away from parents is in fact not in countries where English is the first language. I live in one of them. English is my third language.
  - H_Pylori 6y ago
    I should've said "outside the richer parts of the western world and maybe some other countries", you are right. People in the "richer parts of the western world" take pride in achieving "independence" in their 20's. This means having the wonderful opportunity of racking up some serious debt, drinking lots of alcohol and using drugs, living in unsanitary conditions and having lots of casual sex. Not everybody is like that, of course, some people use this time to get a proper education, for example. People who live in southern Europe don't have the luxury of leaving their parents' house just to fulfill an abstract ideal of adultness. They leave when they need to. Of course it's not ideal, but nothing is.
refurb 6y ago
Indeed. It when you see 30 year olds tweeting "adulting is hard" when you see the impact. A good analogy might be a programmer. It's a night and day difference between being on a team where someone else does the hard stuff and just pushes dumb tasks your way, versus striking out on your own and having to figure everything out.
- XorNot 6y ago
  Has it occurred to you that that feeling has probably been universal for a very long time, and we just didn't have twitter and an pseudoanonymous place to express it?
ch0I9daAiO 6y ago
I agree. At 18 I have left for Uni, living in a dorm. That was the first step of forced maturity. Had to do my own laundry, get food, take the bus etc. At 20 I've rented an apartment, the second step of forced maturity. That means all the house work of cleaning, cooking, paying rent, shopping for everything. Sure you could do some at home with your parents, though it is less likely you'll have to do all of it, as you have this net that will catch you. Looking forward to the next step, of owning my own place and being tied down to a loan :).
tenebrisalietum 6y ago
As a child grows up they should be doing more and more things around the house? It's fair require your older and adult children to contribute to the upkeep of the house and in the case of a working adult, buy food, make dinner once in a while, contribute to rent/house payment, etc.
nsgi 6y ago
That's only a problem if their parents let them continue to live carefree as a child into adulthood, which they shouldn't do unless there are serious mitigating circumstances

jelliclesfarm 6y ago

I don’t see kids moving out at 18 and live in dorms become mature. Family is the first classroom for real life. Perhaps there was a time when leaving home meant getting real life experiences, but in this day and age...from school to college to work, everyone is infantalised. Take for example, FAANG employees who expect to be fed, clothed and expect to be ‘taken care’ of...this generation is a complete failure. We are seeing it plainly during this covid crisis. Absolutely helpless and have burnt bridges with family and community in favour of cubicles. I am disappointed. All my tax dollars and hopes wasted on an infant generation.

deleted 6y ago
[deleted]
ido 6y ago
I've heard American universities do a lot more hand holding than their European counterparts (not sure how this manifests). When I went to uni (and left home) it definitely helped me mature - I had to worry about cleaning, buying groceries, feeding myself, doing laundry, etc. I also had the freedom of nobody knowing or caring where I went and how late I came home (=greater responsibility for planning my time). But I understand what you mean - i had a childhood friend who went to a 2 years vocational school after highschool (during which he lived at home) and then enlisted in the army for 4-5 years (in a non-combat technical role). I suspect the army basically takes care of you when you live on base because afterwards he moved back home & I got the feeling he pretty much stayed stuck in a child role for years later (may be complicated by mental health issues). I think never having had to really be completely responsible for himself held him back.
- jelliclesfarm 6y ago
  Military breaks one down and the. rebuilds the person acc to specs. Very few people have a self determined life after military service. It is sad. Many in industry and service sector who are ‘company men’ and never quit their first job until retirement also face the same problem. Double edged sword.
  - austincheney 6y ago
    As a military person myself this description does not apply to anyone I have ever met.
    - jelliclesfarm 6y ago
      That makes you an unreliable narrator to opine on it.
      - austincheney 6y ago
        Then who is a reliable narrator?
        ido 6y ago
        I've never been to the military but I know a lot of people who have & the vast majority of them lead normal lives.
        jelliclesfarm 6y ago
        Someone who has married or has lived with or has employed or is an employee of someone who was in the military etc. AND who hasn’t been in the military themselves. in other words, the objectivity has to come from someone who has been on the receiving end without having been part of the system. For example: If I am Indian and I have an accent. Whether it’s understandable to Americans should be deemed by Americans. Not Indians.
        6y ago
ryanwaggoner 6y ago
this generation is a complete failure. We are seeing it plainly during this covid crisis. Absolutely helpless and have burnt bridges with family and community in favour of cubicles. I am disappointed. All my tax dollars and hopes wasted on an infant generation. This really sounds more like a personal problem that you're projecting onto tens of millions of people. Perhaps "this generation" (whatever that means) has burnt bridges with their family because they offer nothing but baseless, judgmental platitudes about the demise of the youth? Relax, friend. There is nothing new under the sun. The current generation isn't better or worse than those that came before. The world changes here and there, but most things stay the same. Don't fret so much about the future of civilization. Be present and let the rest unfold as it will.
- jelliclesfarm 6y ago
  That’s good advice. Thanks.

war1025 6y ago

> The problem with allowing children at home forever is a lack of forced maturity. I suppose here there is a distinction to be made between "never left" and "came back." Though I guess often the "came back" turns more into "my parents live with us." I don't think there's anything wrong with kids and parents living together long term, but I agree that there needs to be the forced maturation of having to deal with your own problems at some point in between.

refurb 6y ago
Agreed those are entirely different. Living on your own for a few years, then staying with parents because it makes sense (parents need help, your financials need help, Covid) can be a smart move. It's the kids who are 25 and don't know how to open a bank account that are the worry.
- mmm_grayons 6y ago
  I never understood that: even if he doesn't know how to open a bank account, do laundry, or fix something, can't he just look up how to do so? I would expect the younger generations to be more facile with such things. Not being taught how is no travesty, one can simply teach himself.
  - refurb 6y ago
    I’ve met a few! When your parents take care of all of life’s chores, sometimes there isn’t any incentive to learn how to do it. I remember helping a 30 year old do laundry because they had never done it in their entire life.

H_Pylori 6y ago

>The problem with allowing children at home forever is a lack of forced maturity. Why bother figuring out life as an adult when instead you can continue to live carefree as a child? Hey, you can figure out life as an adult even while living with your parents. Of course this does not mean spending your day in front of a PlayStation. Living with your parents in your 20's is a great money saver, and it's actually the norm outside the english speaking world. The only downside are decreased sexual opportunities, if you are in that sort of thing.

ido 6y ago
Experiencing serious romantic relationships (not to mention childrearing) is a big catalyst for personal growth.
- H_Pylori 6y ago
  People do leave home when they marry. In general, where I live, people leave home when they have to. People leave home if they can't find a job nearby, to study and to marry. Very few exceptions.
socialdemocrat 6y ago
“Norm outside the English speaking world”? Where the hell to you have that from? Look up statistics on this. Highest percentage of people living away from parents is in fact not in countries where English is the first language. I live in one of them. English is my third language.
- H_Pylori 6y ago
  I should've said "outside the richer parts of the western world and maybe some other countries", you are right. People in the "richer parts of the western world" take pride in achieving "independence" in their 20's. This means having the wonderful opportunity of racking up some serious debt, drinking lots of alcohol and using drugs, living in unsanitary conditions and having lots of casual sex. Not everybody is like that, of course, some people use this time to get a proper education, for example. People who live in southern Europe don't have the luxury of leaving their parents' house just to fulfill an abstract ideal of adultness. They leave when they need to. Of course it's not ideal, but nothing is.

refurb 6y ago

Indeed. It when you see 30 year olds tweeting "adulting is hard" when you see the impact. A good analogy might be a programmer. It's a night and day difference between being on a team where someone else does the hard stuff and just pushes dumb tasks your way, versus striking out on your own and having to figure everything out.

XorNot 6y ago
Has it occurred to you that that feeling has probably been universal for a very long time, and we just didn't have twitter and an pseudoanonymous place to express it?

ch0I9daAiO 6y ago

I agree. At 18 I have left for Uni, living in a dorm. That was the first step of forced maturity. Had to do my own laundry, get food, take the bus etc. At 20 I've rented an apartment, the second step of forced maturity. That means all the house work of cleaning, cooking, paying rent, shopping for everything. Sure you could do some at home with your parents, though it is less likely you'll have to do all of it, as you have this net that will catch you. Looking forward to the next step, of owning my own place and being tied down to a loan :).

tenebrisalietum 6y ago

As a child grows up they should be doing more and more things around the house? It's fair require your older and adult children to contribute to the upkeep of the house and in the case of a working adult, buy food, make dinner once in a while, contribute to rent/house payment, etc.

nsgi 6y ago

That's only a problem if their parents let them continue to live carefree as a child into adulthood, which they shouldn't do unless there are serious mitigating circumstances