You seem to be conflicted on what you believe on many of these topics. Which is understandable for such a profound question. There is a very good game called S

You seem to be conflicted on what you believe on many of these topics. Which is understandable for such a profound question. There is a very good game called Soma which explores many of these topics, which may help explore your own beliefs and subconscious reactions to the questions of instantiation and your own relation to the various modes and levels of existence of consciousness and self. I highly recommend you play it if you have time and haven't already.