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Ask HN: Having Children

3 points by daenz 6y ago

My partner and I are approaching the age where we must start to seriously consider parenthood or it will not be an option anymore. While neither of us are particularly compelled to have children, there is still a sense of FOMO around it. We both enjoy our work and our time together immensely, and the current outlook is that we just want to enjoy comfortable lives together, without the extra life-altering chaos of children. It feels existentially lonely though, and I am wondering how other people in tech feel or have felt about the their decisions around having kids. Do you regret your decision? Did you have kids but wish you didn't? I know the latter is a taboo thought, but my understanding is a lot of parents have it from time to time.

cable2600 6y ago
You need a good daycare or babysitter so you both can work while the child is growing. Family time is quality time. Spend time with your child and watch child movies with them. Teach them how to use an iPad and get them child games. Have playdates with other children so your child can develop social skills.
stephenr 6y ago
It’s probably the most challenging but also most rewarding thing I’ve ever done.
rbecker 6y ago
> It feels existentially lonely though Do you think it will get more or less lonely as you age?
RemingtonLak 6y ago
check this post out: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=24182426 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=24182426 Long short of my existential crisis when I pondered the exact same. Late 40's and a newborn is super super hard. I realize it really comes down to state of your life, your partner and your extended family. You absolutely need support. Not even to question that. If no support then a fulltime nanny to help. I'm a fulltime dad, quit my fulltime when my now 1.5yr was born. Not really by choice but a necessity as we have no local support, especially with the pandemic. I will need go back to work. My wife works fulltime so I get up at 6a and goto bed at 1a daily. If you're happy with where you are and where you're headed i.e. retire AND you're absolutely in stride with your partner. Then you should, else I wouldn't. I never knew family. Grew up abused and alone so never had a family feeling. A child is a love hate relationship that has no recourse. the infamous commercial where a sick dad opens the door to his child and asks for a sick day? Yea, it can't happen. no matter what your mood is or what your current beef is with your significant other and boy..you don't know what a fight is until there is a child. you better learn to get over it quickly. Lastly, you absolutely will LOSE your previous life. There isn't a part of it you can retain. It's gone....period. You will need to forge a new life. Fun romcom to watch that can give you an absolute realistic even though fictional movie is: Life as we know it https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1055292/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1 https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1055292/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1 PS> I'm going to blog about this because its actually bullsh*t that there isn't answers to some basic questions about parenting. Most of what you read, reads like a marketing fluff for a blender. An article I ran into recently worth reading: https://www.scarymommy.com/okay-not-to-love-every-second-life-as-a-mom/ https://www.scarymommy.com/okay-not-to-love-every-second-lif... PPS> Join a dad's group and seek the same. It's a shame men don't have the balls to ask for advice and help...unlike you.
- daenz 6y ago
  Thanks for your post. I took a look at your other comment too and it was very insightful. I think we're going to look into Big Brothers/Sisters as well when COVID starts to clear up...maybe it will inspire us one way or another, or maybe it will fulfill the parenting need completely. >Lastly, you absolutely will LOSE your previous life. There isn't a part of it you can retain. It's gone....period. This is probably the biggest challenge against the idea of having children. We both like our lives and hobbies...a lot (we make work together as well). It's part of our identity, so the thought of giving it up is very difficult to entertain. It feels selfish, but it's who we are.
  - RemingtonLak 6y ago
    I wouldn't consider yourself selfish by not having a child. Bringing in a child into this world is simply contributing to society, but then you can do that in many other selfless ways. But I feel there will be a personal sacrifice by not having a child. I consider myself a loner beside loving my wife, I have no reason to leave a legacy. However, there is something to be said to share your life, experiences and knowledge with someone who can benefit. Passing that to someone is rewarding for sure i.e. Big Brothers, bt there is something more, something special if it is your own flesh and blood. Something very innate. Lastly, typically you and your spouse will most likely die separately. Even with families close by, there is nothing like knowing your own flesh and blood will be there. The inherent trust and bond is undeniable. >>Lastly, you absolutely will LOSE your previous life. There isn't a part of it you can retain. It's gone....period. Little overly stated since my son needs me 24/7 now. However, overtime, he'll need this space and my wife and I may be able to get back to where we were. Of course one factor to consider is age so this is where having your child at an earlier age has it's advantages. So truly get back to where we were will most likely be based on your age.
burfog 6y ago
Adding kids when you don't have a Mrs. Moffat looks hazardous for lots of reasons. The commitment to the relationship is questionable if somebody is holding back on that. Kids shouldn't be brought into an unstable uncommitted situation. Kids won't fix your relationship; they may tear it apart, making you join the ranks of miserable parents fighting over visitation rights and child support payments.
- daenz 6y ago
  My partner and I have been together for 13 years and are very happy together. The conjecture that we are unstable, unhappy and trying to "fix" our relationship is completely unfounded.
  - burfog 6y ago
    I'm sure it seems that way, without the stress of fighting over decisions related to kids. What last name would the kids get?
runawaybottle 6y ago
Try to think about your own upbringing. I’m very biased against children because my own parents didn’t really get joy from their kids and were miserable and unleashed their misery on day to day family life in various forms. Many people had a great family life growing up and conceptually don’t even entertain thoughts like that. If you guys didn’t grow up in a dysfunctional miserable family you are probably already way more qualified than many people who simply lack the experience (literal thousands of hours spent in a quality family). Start with that assessment, you have most of the facts about yourself to make the call - we don’t. Again, people that had positive family experience will not ponder if kids will cause chaos, because well, they never felt that way in their own families. You and I ponder it, which means you better dig into what’s behind that question.

3 points by daenz 6y ago

cable2600 6y ago

You need a good daycare or babysitter so you both can work while the child is growing. Family time is quality time. Spend time with your child and watch child movies with them. Teach them how to use an iPad and get them child games. Have playdates with other children so your child can develop social skills.

stephenr 6y ago

It’s probably the most challenging but also most rewarding thing I’ve ever done.

rbecker 6y ago

> It feels existentially lonely though Do you think it will get more or less lonely as you age?

RemingtonLak 6y ago

check this post out: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=24182426 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=24182426 Long short of my existential crisis when I pondered the exact same. Late 40's and a newborn is super super hard. I realize it really comes down to state of your life, your partner and your extended family. You absolutely need support. Not even to question that. If no support then a fulltime nanny to help. I'm a fulltime dad, quit my fulltime when my now 1.5yr was born. Not really by choice but a necessity as we have no local support, especially with the pandemic. I will need go back to work. My wife works fulltime so I get up at 6a and goto bed at 1a daily. If you're happy with where you are and where you're headed i.e. retire AND you're absolutely in stride with your partner. Then you should, else I wouldn't. I never knew family. Grew up abused and alone so never had a family feeling. A child is a love hate relationship that has no recourse. the infamous commercial where a sick dad opens the door to his child and asks for a sick day? Yea, it can't happen. no matter what your mood is or what your current beef is with your significant other and boy..you don't know what a fight is until there is a child. you better learn to get over it quickly. Lastly, you absolutely will LOSE your previous life. There isn't a part of it you can retain. It's gone....period. You will need to forge a new life. Fun romcom to watch that can give you an absolute realistic even though fictional movie is: Life as we know it https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1055292/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1 https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1055292/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1 PS> I'm going to blog about this because its actually bullsh*t that there isn't answers to some basic questions about parenting. Most of what you read, reads like a marketing fluff for a blender. An article I ran into recently worth reading: https://www.scarymommy.com/okay-not-to-love-every-second-life-as-a-mom/ https://www.scarymommy.com/okay-not-to-love-every-second-lif... PPS> Join a dad's group and seek the same. It's a shame men don't have the balls to ask for advice and help...unlike you.

daenz 6y ago
Thanks for your post. I took a look at your other comment too and it was very insightful. I think we're going to look into Big Brothers/Sisters as well when COVID starts to clear up...maybe it will inspire us one way or another, or maybe it will fulfill the parenting need completely. >Lastly, you absolutely will LOSE your previous life. There isn't a part of it you can retain. It's gone....period. This is probably the biggest challenge against the idea of having children. We both like our lives and hobbies...a lot (we make work together as well). It's part of our identity, so the thought of giving it up is very difficult to entertain. It feels selfish, but it's who we are.
- RemingtonLak 6y ago
  I wouldn't consider yourself selfish by not having a child. Bringing in a child into this world is simply contributing to society, but then you can do that in many other selfless ways. But I feel there will be a personal sacrifice by not having a child. I consider myself a loner beside loving my wife, I have no reason to leave a legacy. However, there is something to be said to share your life, experiences and knowledge with someone who can benefit. Passing that to someone is rewarding for sure i.e. Big Brothers, bt there is something more, something special if it is your own flesh and blood. Something very innate. Lastly, typically you and your spouse will most likely die separately. Even with families close by, there is nothing like knowing your own flesh and blood will be there. The inherent trust and bond is undeniable. >>Lastly, you absolutely will LOSE your previous life. There isn't a part of it you can retain. It's gone....period. Little overly stated since my son needs me 24/7 now. However, overtime, he'll need this space and my wife and I may be able to get back to where we were. Of course one factor to consider is age so this is where having your child at an earlier age has it's advantages. So truly get back to where we were will most likely be based on your age.

burfog 6y ago

Adding kids when you don't have a Mrs. Moffat looks hazardous for lots of reasons. The commitment to the relationship is questionable if somebody is holding back on that. Kids shouldn't be brought into an unstable uncommitted situation. Kids won't fix your relationship; they may tear it apart, making you join the ranks of miserable parents fighting over visitation rights and child support payments.

daenz 6y ago
My partner and I have been together for 13 years and are very happy together. The conjecture that we are unstable, unhappy and trying to "fix" our relationship is completely unfounded.
- burfog 6y ago
  I'm sure it seems that way, without the stress of fighting over decisions related to kids. What last name would the kids get?

runawaybottle 6y ago

Try to think about your own upbringing. I’m very biased against children because my own parents didn’t really get joy from their kids and were miserable and unleashed their misery on day to day family life in various forms. Many people had a great family life growing up and conceptually don’t even entertain thoughts like that. If you guys didn’t grow up in a dysfunctional miserable family you are probably already way more qualified than many people who simply lack the experience (literal thousands of hours spent in a quality family). Start with that assessment, you have most of the facts about yourself to make the call - we don’t. Again, people that had positive family experience will not ponder if kids will cause chaos, because well, they never felt that way in their own families. You and I ponder it, which means you better dig into what’s behind that question.