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Wow what huge expectations (edit: which is fine btw, just probably inhibiting to a relationship). I respect my wife, am amazed at what she does on instinct and
by teekert 6y ago
Wow what huge expectations (edit: which is fine btw, just probably inhibiting to a relationship). I respect my wife, am amazed at what she does on instinct and emotion (compared to my incessant need to validate choices rationally) and learn from that every day. This was not something I could have ever foreseen (so among the things one doesn't know one doesn't know). She is great with the kids and as a result they are nice kids (one can learn a lot from nice kids). I actually like that she's not into scifi it gives me some alone time. We also bicker sometimes, her communication can be quite imprecise and my ability to quickly determine context correctly is limited. I guess I'm good a picking that one possible way of misinterpreting her.
Is she my perfect mate (meaning the best there is on the planet)? Very probably not, I would certainly like to tweak some things here and there (I want more sex, she wants more romance, the standard chicken and egg story. I guess that's why they tell you to keep working on your relationship).
Is the search for a potentially better mate worth the pain on me, her and the kids? No. I'm happy and can do most things I want. I appreciate that she wants the same life as me (a rural house near nature), we certainly agree on how we want to raise the kids, I find her attractive physically and have learned to appreciate her strong will (over time). I guess the big things are important, don't let the little things get in the way of happiness, and keep working at it ;)
Remember: Happiness = Reality - Expectations
- mcnichol 6y agoI feel like you summarized my life. I have four areas I think of relationships in; physical, intellectual, emotional, spiritual. We don't have to align perfectly in any or all areas, but there has to be activity and I do have a belief that people have a minimum they can tolerate in any one of those areas. I think expectations are well... expected. It's just that some are socially obvious and others are unique to the individual. Willing to navigate these as a partner (or any relationship at different levels) provides a connection for doing this "better together".
- randomsearch 6y ago> Wow what huge expectations If "I want someone who has the same cultural taste as me" in terms of films etc. is "huge" then I guess we should just marry at random.
- teekert 6y agoI was reacting more to "if a person doesn't share my tastes and isn’t willing to sit with me during all these moving and emotionally rich experiences day in and day out", especially the "day in and day out" part. That said, if I would limit my mate choice to someone who likes the same films as me I'd be setting myself up for a lonely life ;) (especially since I am already not the best at approaching women I'm interested in (or at least I wasn't, some 20 years ago).
- randomsearch 6y agoAh, ok, I see, sorry if I came across accusingly. Think my tone was a bit harash. Did you find someone? How did you do it, given how shy you say you are/were?
- teekert 6y agoNp :) Its a long story but involved first developing a friendship and months of fighting feelings of loosing control until giving in and replacing the fear of rejection by a fear being abandoned and being jealous as a result. Actually it is a miracle she became my wife later on... We first met in a bar, our friends knew each other. We went swimming weekly with a small group of friends and started doing more and more together. It was the time of the first sms text messages, what a time that was, now I almost feel old...
- randomsearch 6y agoThanks very much for sharing. You know, that does sound quite romantic after all :-D