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Most "arguments" in a relationship aren't about the actionable issue at hand. Those issues usually aren't that big they couldn't be calmly discussed if only the

by yason 6y ago

Most "arguments" in a relationship aren't about the actionable issue at hand. Those issues usually aren't that big they couldn't be calmly discussed if only they didn't reflect on and resonate with larger things, either personal to either party or long-brewing friction in the relationship due to earlier issues not having, in turn, been discussed at the time. A good way to force perspective into arguments is to just listen, not take it personally and not make a confrontation as soon as you observe that your significant other is angry. S/he just needs to lash out first after which you can get to the root of the problem which probably wasn't that mundane little thing that started "it all". In other words, don't argue at the same time, don't be angry at the same time! While those arguments are coming right at you it's rarely personal in the real sense. It makes it hard to have an argument if you don't argue back. You only start discussing when you've let the anger come out first.

raducu 6y ago
This is great insight! I've watched a coleague/friend do this and it is both amazing and disturbing -- it might seem almost robot-like to some(like, "why aren't you getting mad, doesn't the bullshit this other person said make your blood boil?"). I try to do the same, but it is incredibly hard, given the other issues in the relationship. Trying to fix smaller issues in order to create a precedent and good will and a feeling of competency feels like navigating a minefield.
rsa25519 6y ago
> In other words, don't argue at the same time, don't be angry at the same time! While those arguments are coming right at you it's rarely personal in the real sense. It makes it hard to have an argument if you don't argue back. You only start discussing when you've let the anger come out first. This applies to online disagreements, too. Responding immediately is not often better than waiting, if you choose to respond at all. Waiting lets you say those things that only come to mind while you're in the shower the next morning (metaphorically and literally)
trabant00 6y ago
If you found some strategy that works for you, great. But be wary of offering this a general solution. Specifically for your post I know several persons who start to argue with their partner with the intention of getting an emotional response. And when the other person tries not to argue they just escalate to heavier stuff. Also, sometimes arguments ARE personal. The reason for the argument is just pretext and you partner really can't stand you any more. In which case IMHO you should get out, not look for strategies to have healthy arguments. To keep it short there are a lot of particular situations and no general solutions to couple problems.
- Balgair 6y ago
  Every marriage is a universe, mundane interactions creating supernovae, spectacular histories eroded into dust, a state of existence with billions of nodes. -Leo Tolstoy
smichel17 6y ago
> Those issues usually aren't that big they couldn't be calmly discussed if only they didn't reflect on and resonate with larger things, either personal to either party or long-brewing friction in the relationship due to earlier issues not having, in turn, been discussed at the time. I'm having a really hard time parsing this sentence. I think I can guess your intended meaning by keywords and tone, but it would be nicer if I didn't have to :)
- oehpr 6y ago
  I found it was pretty clear, but rereading it, I realized I implicitly corrected a grammatical error. > Those issues usually aren't that big they couldn't be calmly discussed if only they didn't reflect on should read > Those issues usually aren't so big that they couldn't be calmly discussed, if only they didn't reflect on

by yason 6y ago

raducu 6y ago

This is great insight! I've watched a coleague/friend do this and it is both amazing and disturbing -- it might seem almost robot-like to some(like, "why aren't you getting mad, doesn't the bullshit this other person said make your blood boil?"). I try to do the same, but it is incredibly hard, given the other issues in the relationship. Trying to fix smaller issues in order to create a precedent and good will and a feeling of competency feels like navigating a minefield.

rsa25519 6y ago

> In other words, don't argue at the same time, don't be angry at the same time! While those arguments are coming right at you it's rarely personal in the real sense. It makes it hard to have an argument if you don't argue back. You only start discussing when you've let the anger come out first. This applies to online disagreements, too. Responding immediately is not often better than waiting, if you choose to respond at all. Waiting lets you say those things that only come to mind while you're in the shower the next morning (metaphorically and literally)

trabant00 6y ago

If you found some strategy that works for you, great. But be wary of offering this a general solution. Specifically for your post I know several persons who start to argue with their partner with the intention of getting an emotional response. And when the other person tries not to argue they just escalate to heavier stuff. Also, sometimes arguments ARE personal. The reason for the argument is just pretext and you partner really can't stand you any more. In which case IMHO you should get out, not look for strategies to have healthy arguments. To keep it short there are a lot of particular situations and no general solutions to couple problems.

Balgair 6y ago
Every marriage is a universe, mundane interactions creating supernovae, spectacular histories eroded into dust, a state of existence with billions of nodes. -Leo Tolstoy

smichel17 6y ago

> Those issues usually aren't that big they couldn't be calmly discussed if only they didn't reflect on and resonate with larger things, either personal to either party or long-brewing friction in the relationship due to earlier issues not having, in turn, been discussed at the time. I'm having a really hard time parsing this sentence. I think I can guess your intended meaning by keywords and tone, but it would be nicer if I didn't have to :)

oehpr 6y ago
I found it was pretty clear, but rereading it, I realized I implicitly corrected a grammatical error. > Those issues usually aren't that big they couldn't be calmly discussed if only they didn't reflect on should read > Those issues usually aren't so big that they couldn't be calmly discussed, if only they didn't reflect on